Monday, November 19, 2007

ah the guilt

yes, guinea pig (see comments on impending doom) there is so much guilt associated with the holidays.

it is much like my sil says. we go a month or so without hearing from my mom and then she likes to make believe we're this one big close happy family for her sisters. i do feel guilty because i don't really like my parents and don't really want to spend the holidays with them.

i keep thinking there's something in me that should forgive them for being the parents they are and that if i were a better person i would just accept them, but i can't.

sometimes i feel like the hubs and wish we could just invite people we like to our house for thanksgiving. the only family that would involve would be the bro/sil/nephew. i don't just say this because she reads the blog, but really and truly they are the only part of my family that i truly enjoy being around and i miss it when i don't see them.

i don't know how to escape the guilt. sometimes i wish i were strong enough to say, you know what, this is how i want my holiday to be this year and i'm sorry but it doesn't include you. you do not add joy to my life, it does not make me happy to be around you and i am so very very tired of the phoniness that oozes from you during the holidays. don't spend money you don't have buying my kids toys they don't need because that does not make up for the fact that you otherwise suck as a grandparent.

i think this is probably another reason halloween is my favorite holiday, fewer expectations.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Ah yes, the holidays and all the emotional turmoil that ensues. THIS is the reason that my fav holidays are summer and fall.

The only way I got out of the guilt of not wanting to be around my crazy family was moving out of the state. I don't recommend it actually, and there is always that day of reckoning, either while they are alive or not.

My experience has taught me to TRY to lower my expectations of how people should act or show love, and that sometimes helps. I do believe tho, that there are a lot more families similar to yours (and how mine was before everyone died) than the pablum they show on the boob tube.

Hang on to those that you do cherish seeing and say a silent (or loud) Why, bless your freakin' heart to all the others!

-Spanx

Creative Kerfuffle said...

spanx--well, right now moving out of state isn't an option, though i don't hate the idea. i have lowered my expectations though--honestly i don't really have any. sometimes i am wistful and wish i had wonderful parents but i don't i never will and that's life. i guess i've also made peace in the fact that my family (no my biological family) is really made up of people i love and cherish in my life.

guinea pig said...

woohoo! my existential and familial angst lead to a blog post. i feel so special.

Creative Kerfuffle said...

oh gp, you know i love you more than my luggage : ) (quick, what movie is that quote from?) you and your skinny ass self rule my sarcastic world ; )

guinea pig said...

did you honestly think i wouldn't know that reference???
steel magnolias ms. weezer, steel magnolias.


may the force be with you this turkey day. and i promise, when I am not praying for my own survival, i will be praying for yours.

skinny ass! are you kidding me? but thanks.