Saturday, March 31, 2007
(This is the African daisy.)
I weeded the front flower bed, which has tons of shoots of stuff in it. I'm bad about planting things and forgetting what I've planted, so there's no telling what bulbs are in that bed.
Maw-Maw's peony, the one I transplanted from her yard, is coming up and I think it's even spreading. I will be so happy if it actually blooms this year. So far I'm just thankful I haven't killed it! The day lilies we got from Big T last year (or the year before) also are coming up and spreading. Thanks Big T! The yard is starting to come together all in all.
We also did some cleaning, grocery shopping and we're doing laundry now. Gotta get things done so we can go to the beach Monday! Yeah! The last time we went was with the SIL and The Bro and nephew a year or more ago. We had a blast then. I love the beach, not all the touristy crap, but the sound of the waves, the sand, the shells, the water.
The Hubs and I went to the beach for our honeymoon--it was the first time he'd seen the ocean. Amazing. Though my memory isn't that great I remember we found a German restaurant that we now go back to whenever we're there; we walked on the beach at night, we had dinner at a restaurant on the pier and danced to Wonderful Tonight by Eric Clapton, I talked him into getting his ear pierced because I thought it was sexy : ), there were stray cats living in the hotel parking lot and we left our handcuffs (the ones we'd bought in the hotel gift shop) in the room when we checked out and I was completely embarrassed : ) LOL
This is really the first vacation we've had since, geez, I can't even remember. We didn't take one last Spring break and I don't think we really took one the year before. I was off with the kids at Christmas but that wasn't like going on vacation. We need to do this more often.
At the same time I'm sort of paranoid about work. Aside from Christmas when nobody is around anyway, this is the first time I've been out this long since starting this job last April. I get the impression that vacations are frowned upon for the most part, like you're supposed to live and breathe the company regardless. I think I'm doing a good job, at least most of the time, but this job is so much more stressful than my other position. I really didn't realize how good I had it then. OK, no more work talk, I'm on vacation.
While The Hubs napped this evening and the kids watched the Nick Choice Awards (what a cool idea for kids, they vote on best actors, singers, etc. very neat idea. Interesting young hottie--Drake from Drake & Josh. I'm sure he's barely 20 or somewhere around there, but he's hot for a young guy, plays guitar and sings. I digress.) I fiddled around online hitting the Next Blog button. I used to find interesting blogs that way, but now it seems they're all in another language or are ads for something or another. I did stumbled upon one which was pretty scary. I don't even know how to describe it. It was an S&M thing, written by the submissive slave. She described her beatings, etc. I was stunned. How and why do people find that sexually exciting? Humiliated, tortured and exposed and that's exciting? Uh, no thank you.
Friday, March 30, 2007
Anyway, so I was telling The Hubs about this Top Ten list I heard on the radio. It was a list of the Presidents who've been involved in sexual scandal. I can't remember all of the names but Clinton, believe it or not was #10. Kennedy was #5 or 6 then there was Johnson, Harding, Taft, Jefferson, Washington (#1) and a Roosevelt. I misspoke and said FDR and The Hubs was like, uh, how does that work, he was in a wheelchair.
This is what led to what he says is the most effed up thing I've ever said to him. I simply said that if he were in a wheelchair I'd sort of have to...you know, seek additional human help. Oral is great and wonderful but at some point you need something else, something not plastic or man-made.
He was creative and offered alternatives, but ladies...am I wrong? God forbid something happens to the man in your life but are you ready to say right here and now you could spend the rest of your life without intercourse?
I for one can't.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
The kids were talking in the car after he'd picked them up from daycare. The Boy was saying something about being a Knot Head (one of the things The Hubs calls him from time to time) and that his head was so hard that he could drive a nail in a wall with it.
The Girl said, "You mean drive a nail in the wall with Mr. Wizzy?"
The Boy said, "No, Girl, that is too wobbly to nail something with." He then proceeded to tell her that when he runs it wobbles back and forth in his pants.
Two things--first that The Girl got the connection between head and Mr. Wizzy and two that The Boy is telling his sister about his Mr. Wizzy wobbling in his pants and that it's too wobbly!
So I've just realized that going to the beach means I need to get a bathing suit this weekend. I don't have a problem wearing a bathing suit at the beach around people I don't know but won't wear it around people who are acquaintances. Is that weird?
I had a 5pm appointment for drinks and then met Donut at the event. We had some wine and then we had some more. She and I rarely get to hang out alone outside of work and I had fun. Music, wine, outside, it was nice. Unfortunately I behaved rather stupidly and drove home. You'd think by now I'd learn not to do such things, but apparently not. The Hubs was understandably less than happy with me, though he didn't go off like he has in the past. He did give Donut a dose of what I got though : ) I think he said something like "You're getting ready to get married and she's got two kids and you two should have known better. You should have called me." Bless his heart.
I truly should have known better because I don't do alcohol well at all. I've never learned that stopping point (genetic perhaps?) of when enough is enough and one more will push me over the limit. No doubt the reason The Hubs isn't thrilled when I drink and am not around him. His job is saving me from myself I think.
The last time I committed this crime was also at a work event, the first one I went to after The Boy was born. This involved Crusty, Famous B and another co-worker. We all got in trouble that night too.
Rest of the week has been hectic at work, trying to get everything done because SPRING BREAK is next week and we're all off the whole week. I can't really remember the last time we took off a week together and actually did something. I just booked a hotel at the beach for a few nights. The kids will be so happy. Normally our vacations or trips revolve around visiting family. So we'll do the beach for a few days, putter in the yard, hit some museums with the kids and...yes, we're gearing up for a house party on the Sat. before Easter : )
Those of you reading who live in driving distance will be invited : ) Casual get together, our typical fete. There will be Disaronno!
So it's 10:40 p.m.--West Wing time : )
Sunday, March 25, 2007
The Hubs told me this once before but I denied it and really didn't believe it simply because to me high maintenance implied that I need things. High maintenance to me was women who had to drive certain cars, wear certain labels, have their hair, nails, etc. done on a weekly basis, demanding lots of material things. They need things just the way they want them and I'm totally not like that.
However, I am high emotional maintenance. Perhaps not to the average person who comes in contact with me, but certainly to those I hold near and dear. I joke about being bi-polar, maybe I am, but I have very fast mood swings. One minute I'm flying high and then, as if for no apparent reason, I'm moody, needy, etc. I don't think I'm crazy, at least not any more so than most people, but I am quite emotional and my moods do not always have any basis in reality or even any good reason for changing.
The Hubs has put up with this for a lot of years and frankly I sometimes wonder why he does it. I think it's bad now--one day I'm happy the next pissed off and for no real reason--but when I was a teenager and in college--oh my God it's a wonder he even stuck around. In high school these mood swings meant we broke up every other week. In college, when we were not technically dating but still long distance friends I went between calling him every day to not speaking to him for months. One minute I loved him the next minute I wanted him to call so he could make a guy jealous--yes, I did this one time, very bitchy.
Though I don't think I'm quite as bad now--we don't break up every week and I don't use people to make him jealous : ) --I do still vacillate (nice word huh?) between moods a little more often than I think most people do. The curse of a creative mind? The curse of a crazy mind? I don't know.
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Friday, March 23, 2007
Is it the physical sensation, the actual act, touch or feeling or is it the words or vocals that were spoken?
Is this a difference between men and women or is it an individual thing? Is it a left brain right brain thing?
If you are a person who loves music are you a person who's first thought is of the whispered words of passion?
If you are a person who actually makes the music, plays the instrument, uses their hands are you a person who's first thought is of a sensual caress?
Just a little something to think about.
Thursday, March 22, 2007
We're thinking of going to the beach for a few days, working in the yard, relaxing and basically (in my mind at least) trying to get what has become an overly-busy life back in order.
Tomorrow night the kids are staying all night with The Bro and SIL (thanks guys!). It seems like it's been forever since we've had a grown up night all to ourselves. The Hubs bought me some Disaronno (might even have some tonight thank you very much) and we're going to relax. One thing I never really thought of when I thought about being a parent was the fact that once you were a parent there were basically very few nights you actually had to yourselves.
I love my kids to death (despite the fact that right now the girl still is giving me attitude every time I turn around) but sometimes a break is in order if for no other reason than you don't have to worry about someone knocking on your bedroom door asking what you're doing in there! LOL
I often wonder if they go to school and say "Yeah, my parents had sex last night." Or "I caught my parents kissing in the kitchen." It's not like we make out in front of our kids but we are affectionate and I think that's a good thing. I didn't grow up seeing that in my house, affection, and I think kids need to realize their parents love each other and want to be together.
Ready for a laugh? While we're sitting at the table at the Chinese buffeet (as The Boy calls it) these are the jokes the kids told.
The Boy: How do you get a kleenex to do a jig?
A: Blow a little boogie in it. Get it, boogie?
The Girl: What do you find inside a clean nose?
Yep, my kids know how to have stimulating dinner conversation!
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
I've pulled a few out and have decided to share with you some of my horrible, horrible poetry. You have to consider the age of the writer (some in high school some in college).
Moving (circa middle school)
The boxes are packed. The van is loaded.
I walk across my room for the very last time.
My fingers trace the initials I carved.
I quietly close the door, locking up my memories.
When I get upstairs, you're waiting.
You promise to write often.
It'll almost be as if I'm there with you to share our secrets your face seems to say.
A tear runs down my face faster than one has ever run before.
I quickly wipe it on my sleeve.
Then I think, yes, you'll almost be there with me.
The only problem is you won't be.
The Deadbeat Club (circa college--frankly I like this one--I was in a B52's phase)
Jenni was in the Deadbeat Club
She was a pretty girl, Topaz
Only thing was she like to Roam
and since she lived in a Dry County
she'd have to sneak to the Loveshack.
To her it was a Cosmic Thing
to go there, drink beer and watch Channel Z.
Her friends there call her June Bug
except this one guy who calls her Bushfire.
He's a member of the Deadbeat Club
Rides a motorcycle and wears a Topaz
He told Jenni he take her to Rome,
but she knows better. Everyone in the Dry County
knows he lies to all the girls at the Loveshack.
But to Jenni it's a Cosmic Thing,
they both watch Channel Z
And she's sick of being called June Bug
but why does he call her Bushfire?
One Fall Day (circa 2003)
Humming child tunes only they know
they rake the leaves; she is six and he is three.
Dad naps inside, Moms reads a book; the first fall winds
begin to blow as into the pile of leaves they go.
Crunching leaves scatter as the sister and brother share the day.
It is sweet with the laziness Sunday's bring as
warm sunlight breaks through the branches
dappling the ground with golden lakes among mountains of shadows.
untitled (circa 2003)
It hangs so heavy in the air sometimes,
this yearning to know what they'll be like.
Both so full of thoughts, ideas and imagination it's hard to believe they'll be anything but magnificent.
So intuitive, thoughtful, funny and clever; maybe they'll be writers or artists, surely dreamers and people who make a difference.
It amazes me sometimes when I look at them and at my body that once they were small enough for me to keep them in my safety.
Will they even remember this day or this year? Any special times when they are so young and make me so happy?
Doubtful, maybe a fleeting whisper of something they can't describe, but a feeling of security and happiness.
She likes to ready poetry, I love that about her; so beautiful and sensitive and smart. Please don't let me fail her, this child I prayed for for years and years the perfect angel that finally became ours.
And he's still a baby in so many way; oh he's smart and funny, animated and loving but still a baby in the grand scheme of things.
The last baby I'll have, the period at the end of my fertility sentence.
Probably why I hold him so close, trying to recapture those baby days.
They see so much; will they see the bad in me and not be able to get passed it?
Will they love me anyway and like me still when they're old enough to decide of their own free will if I'm a good mother? The mother I want to be.
First and foremost, though I'll be vague, I finally got a HUGE monkey off my back at work today, secured the last detail of a major project that I've been working on since September. Now the Queen of Evil can get off my back already and bother someone else. I cannot begin to tell you the satisfaction, relief and happiness I felt when this was finalized today. Though I will not dwell on this now, I cannot believe I have to do this same thing EVERY SINGLE YEAR until I leave this job. That in itself is reason to leave. I'm not dwelling though.
Computer sounds--I hate the dinging, clicking, beeping sounds computers emit to tell you they're doing something. I mute my computers at home and work. I don't like those noises, although I do enjoy the sound of keyboards, especially laptops. Odd huh?
On the Van track--I popped Philosopher's Stone in the CD player on the way home from work this evening. Big T was right, it's good. I can't believe that Barry White is considered the make out music king. Do people not listen to Van Morrison? WTF? I haven't immersed myself yet in this particular CD, but I will, but the first two songs are certainly candidates for the list of music for people to hump by.
Today there was a discussion during a smoke break about teens and sex, specifically oral sex. Big T, knowing The Hubs, said, uh wonder what he'd say if The Girl did that. I told her he'd cut the boys dick off if The Girl did that and if The Boy came home and said he'd gotten a blowjob he'd give him a high five. Big T, for the record I asked him this very question tonight. What would you do if The Girl did that? His response to you is--are you out of your fucking mind! (HIS Girl would never do such a thing because she's going to be a nun. He was even a tad miffed that I even suggested her name in the same sentence as a blowjob!) And, he said yes, he'd high five The Boy. I know I know, he's a pig for his double standards. I totally agree.
I am a retard. I've been looking at my site meter, wondering who's reading my blog in Las Vegas. I was excited--they were spending a lot of time on the blog. They were curious, interested and unknown. I checked it tonight and kept poking around and damned if I'M not Las Vegas! LOL For some reason that's how my server or whatever technical mumbo jumbo is routed. Talk about a blonde moment! So I have no secret reader. Oh well.
So last night I was reading through some poetry and doing some searching online for material for the reading I'm going to be doing for my friend Donut's wedding. I'm starting to feel the pressure. There are so many great lines, great poems about love, marriage, soulmates, etc.
(How incredibly sexy is THAT? Please don't tell me I'm the only one who sees the allusion?)
from Meeting at Night--Robert Browning
The gray sea and the long black
and the yellow half-moon large and low,
and the startled little
waves that leap
in fiery ringlets from their sleep,
as I gain the cove
with pushing prow
and quench its speed i' the slushy sand.
Love's Philosophy--Percy Bysshe Shelley
The fountains mingle with the river,
and the rivers with the ocean,
The winds of heaven mix forever
With a sweet emotion;
Nothing in the world is single;
All things by a law divine
In one another's being mingle;-
Why not I with thine?
See the mountains kiss high heaven,
and the waves clasp one another;
No sister flower would be forgiven
If it disdained its brother;
And the sunlight clasps the earth,
And the moonbeams kiss the sea;
What are all these kissings worth,
If thou kiss not me?
From "The Irrational Season" by Madeleine L'Engle But ultimately there comes a moment when a decision must be made. Ultimately two people who love each other must ask themselves how much they hope for as their love grows and deepens, and how much risk they are willing to take…It is indeed a fearful gamble…Because it is the nature of love to create, a marriage itself is something which has to be created, so that, together we become a new creature. To marry is the biggest risk in human relations that a person can take…If we commit ourselves to one person for life this is not, as many people think, a rejection of freedom; rather it demands the courage to move into all the risks of freedom, and the risk of love which is permanent; into that love which is not possession, but participation…It takes a lifetime to learn another person…When love is not possession, but participation, then it is part of that co-creation which is our human calling, and which implies such risk that it is often rejected.
On Love - Thomas à Kempis (1379-1471)
Love is a mighty power, a great and complete good.Love alone lightens every burden, and makes rough places smooth.It bears every hardship as though it were nothing, and renders all bitterness sweet and acceptable.Nothing is sweeter than love,Nothing stronger,Nothing higher,Nothing wider,Nothing more pleasant,Nothing fuller or better in heaven or earth; for love is born of God.Love flies, runs and leaps for joy.It is free and unrestrained.Love knows no limits, but ardently transcends all bounds.Love feels no burden, takes no account of toil,attempts things beyond its strength.Love sees nothing as impossible,for it feels able to achieve all things.It is strange and effective,while those who lack love faint and fail.Love is not fickle and sentimental,nor is it intent on vanities.Like a living flame and a burning torch,it surges upward and surely surmounts every obstacle.
I have a soft spot for Bach so this one was especially poignant to me.
Excerpt from "The Bridge Across Forever" - Richard Bach
A soul mate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we're pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person we're safe in our own paradise. Our soul mate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. When we're two balloons, and together our direction is up, chances are we've found the right person. Our soul mate is the one who makes life come to life.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
What do you do when you know you have a flaw, you're painfully aware of it but have no idea how to fix or change it? I know I'm a horrible procrastinator, I've always been one, in school, college, my career, home, etc. It's almost like I set myself up for failure subconsciously.
What else? My Brother and SIL and nephew came over for dinner last night. We hadn't seen them one on one for awhile so it was good to have them over. My Bro is thinking about having a heart to heart with my folks about their house and their relationship. I'm not so sure that's a good idea or that it will change anything. He's done this before, told them they need to get their shit together, clean their house, be better grandparents, etc. We've had the family meetings, which are always a nightmare, where everyone says what they're pissed about and it just escalates everyone's level of being pissed and nothing changes.
It's interesting because more often than not he takes on the role of the oldest child. Maybe he feels led to do so, maybe he cares more than I do. I know it sounds sad or mean or just wrong, but I really don't care enough to sit them down and tell them to fix things. I know they won't, I know things won't change.
For some reason we started talking about memories last night too. Oddly enough I just expected The Bro and I to have similar memories of different places we've lived, but we didn't. There are some common memories, but you have to remember, we're almost seven years apart in age. When The Bro was talking about living in Germany he mentioned a favorite teacher (he was in elementary school there) and believe it or not The Hubs had the same teacher the first time he was in Germany and in elementary school. One more example of how the threads of our lives are tightly bound together. (Ok, maybe a little melodramatic, but still very cool in my head at least.)
Non sequitor--The Hubs reminded me that when I started this blog I didn't want him to read it. (Which of course he does.) I don't know who I started writing it for, me I guess because initially I don't think I told anyone about it. A handful of my friends read it on a regular basis, you know who you are : ), and sometimes I get random readers who I'm sure have just hit the Next Blog button. However, there are a few people reading it on a regular basis who don't make comments and I don't know who they are. This is unbelievably intriguing to me. I mean yeah, I can see how my friends and family might get a kick out of this, and I of course love doing it because I get off on writing/reading, but if there's someone out there who doesn't know me and is reading and enjoying this that's just like frosting on the cake.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
My heart broke for her because this is the first year she's had such a good best friend. I really liked the little girl, met her parents, etc. and she seemed normal : ) compared to some of the other girls The Girl has befriended. The little girl's grandmother just died so I tried to explain to The Girl that maybe the breakup is just because she's so upset and doesn't know how to deal with it. I reminded The Girl how she felt when her Grandma died. I hope that's what it is and not that the little girl just did a 180 and broke my baby's heart. I know she was a bitch day before yesterday, but it's so devastating to see your child so distraught.
So my friend, the sister I SHOULD have had, Donut, is getting married as I've mentioned and she's asked me to do a reading. I'm starting to feel the pressure. I really want to do it but I want to find the perfect thing to read. I thought about writing something myself, and it may come to that if I can't find what I'm looking for. My biggest fear though is that I'll sob through the whole thing and nobody will understand a damn thing I'm reading : ) Much like my own wedding I must say. I was crying walking down the aisle, crying while I was reading my vows (we wrote our own), crying while he read his. Yeah, I'm a crier.
The Boy asked me what a hickey is the other day. I'm really, really not ready for all the changes my kids are going through right now. I don't have gray hair (one lucky gene I got) but I think my kids will change all of that. I explained to him that a hickey is when someone sucks someone elses neck and it leaves a mark. He then asked, well, can you get them other places besides your neck? I told him we didn't need to worry about that right now because he didn't need to be sucking on anyone. And besides, where did you hear that word? On a commercial on TV. Great!
So what is it about hickies anyway? I remember giving my first hickey (it was to The Hubs) and being so proud. Is that a teenager thing? I mean I don't really give him hickies now, but back then it was like such a "wild" and "racy" thing to do. Although you'd hide them from your parents (like 2 tons of foundation on your white neck wasn't noticeable!) it was like a badge of honor to show your friends, even though you acted like you just couldn't believe your boyfriend would do that to you. What is that? Is it like an instinctive territorial thing? Putting your mark on someone? Interesting.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
The Hubs must have needed some amusement and in fact takes great delight in screwing with my parents (figuratively).
Somehow, during the course of what I can only imagine was an interesting conversation, my Dad gave The Hubs some sage (!) advice.
My Dad told The Hubs that if he ever cheats on me....wait for it...it's not what you expect...did my Dad, my Father, the co-creator of me tell my husband that if he cheats on me he'll cut his balls off? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. My Dad told The Hubs if he ever cheats on me not to take Ann Landers' advice (like my Dad did) to be honest and tell your wife. My Dad told my husband that if he has a tendency to cheat on me and he feels guilty to KEEP IT TO HIMSELF. Why you may ask? Because then you don't get any more sex. Condensed version is that my Dad had an affair when he was in Viet Nam (which through the years my Mom told us) and about five years the issue came up again between my parents. Like did Mom forget that it had happened 30 + years ago and then one day she remembered? I don't know. But the folks haven't had sex in five years so my Dad told The Hubs not to come clean if he has an affair. Thanks Dad!
Around the same time my Mom moved out of their bedroom, much like her Mother had done. My Grandma always had her own room, at least for as long as I can remember. My Dad told The Hubs that it was generational and that when the kids move out and he starts seeing furniture move into one of the other bedrooms he'll know his time has come. The hell you say!
And lastly, they talked about the FIL and my Dad's Jim Beam logic told The Hubs he shouldn't be so hard on his Dad. The Hubs, being one to love similes and comparisons said, ok, so if my wife (your daughter) dies tomorrow and 350 days from now I get married how would you feel? My Dad asked, well, who are you marrying! The Hubs said, well, in this scenario it would be your youngest daughter (who my father has been referring to as Fat Ass). My Dad said--I would say Hoo-fuckin-rah! Because I know you'd take care of her and I wouldn't have to.
Just how many ways can you spell dysfunctional?
And for my Brother and SIL, when you read this you cannot say a word. The Hubs isn't too thrilled that I'm writing it to begin with so if this gets back to dear old Dad he'll have to kill you both : ) LOL
I managed to find a happy spot, cranked up the Van on the way home, sang at the top of my lungs and left the worries behind. Then I picked up my wonderful children at daycare.
First words out of The Girl's mouth:
I need flip flops.
Me: I know sweetie, you need some sandals and stuff and we'll get them this weekend.
Her: No, I need them tomorrow. I'm going to die of heat stroke tomorrow, it's going to be 90 degrees.
Me: You won't die of heat stroke, and we'll get your stuff this weekend.
Her: I don't have anything to wear except jeans and long sleeves and everyone is wearing flip flops tomorrow.
Me: I'll help you go through your clothes tonight to find you something that's not long sleeves or jeans and you can wear your crocs.
This led to an extended rant on her part until we got home. Once we got home she proceeded to sit at the kitchen table, slamming books around or throwing them on the floor, while I was making dinner. Apparently I am a horrible mother because she's going to die of heat stroke, that when I took my marriage vows I said I'd take care of my kids (really, must have missed that part of my vows) and how I buy stuff for myself whenever I want or need it but she has to wait until after pay day. She's been waiting five months (granted, it's been WINTER) for sandals and has been hot all winter, waiting for pay day. I must say the first word of sandals was mentioned Sunday and I told her then we'd get stuff this coming weekend.
I let her rant, not quite sure how I wanted to handle the whole thing. After about 20 minutes I told her to go to her room because I was tired of listening to her. She slammed a stool and kept ranting. I spanked her (four swats on the butt) and sent her to her room.
Her: I don't care what you say or do to me. I don't care what you think of me. I'm never going to help you with anything again.
Then The Hubs came home. I gave him the abbreviated version, she gave her side. We ate dinner and then The Hubs and The Boy went to Cub Scouts.
The Girl went outside. I came to the computer and panicked briefly as I couldn't get online. She came in, went back out and slammed the door. I opened the door and told her not to do that again. She through her gum. I made her come in and go to her room.
She proceeded to rant and tell me how horrible I am. She's been yelling and ranting for, oh, about another 20 minutes, mixed with high pitched keening and crying. She has, so far, called me an ugly bitch, thrown suckers (where did those even come from) at me while I was standing in her doorway, called me dumb, said I prefer The Boy to her, and I think she just called me ugly and fat again. There also was some comment about how did it feel to be cussed out by a fourth grader. Now we're back to the 20 decibel wailing. I think she's now purposely blowing snot all over her room. I have lost all control.
I've threatened to take away the allowance, computer, etc. and she doesn't care. I'm not going to spank her again, that doesn't do anything and it makes me feel too much like my parents. I'm not even yelling, though I so could go off on her right now without batting an eye. (The screaming continues.) I shut her bedroom door but she's opened it so I'm sure to hear her.
After she threw the suckers and I went to sit down on her bed, and she looked at me with hate in her eyes, I told her again she needed to stop. I said you know your Dad wouldn't be happy about this (which now I hate I even said because again that so sounds like my Mom, except she always said wait until your Dad gets home) she said I only care what Daddy thinks and he's the only one who believes in me anyway. I don't care about you, I hate you.
I'm going to calmly tell her to stop the screaming.
The crying continues.
Her: I'm desperate. I'm a girl without flipflops.
I had to laugh at that, the melodrama!
Her: Is that amusing? You're amused that I don't have flip flops?
Does anyone have a Zanex?
Sunday, March 11, 2007
And yes, it is a week into March and the Christmas lights are STILL hung outside. They did remove the plastic Santa from the yard, so I guess that's one good thing.
While we were sitting around the table after dinner, which is pretty much what we do at their house, sit at the kitchen table and talk, I asked when they were going to take the lights down. My Dad said instead of taking them down he was going to plug them in and add a sign saying this is Creative Kerfuffler's parents' house. Oh, how proud I'd be.
During the same discussion my Brother asked why my sister kept her apartment if she was living at home, or something to that effect. Her answer, which is the answer/excuse my Mom has been giving as well, is that she gets lonely. However, my sister has upped that ante a bit. Now, not only is she bi-polar but she has seasonal depression disorder (self diagnosed) and gets depressed and lonely in the winter. I told her to turn on a light and my Brother told her to get some ferns. : ) We're so helpful like that.
During the course of the evening my Mom said she just wished we could find my Sister a husband. I didn't say a word but several thoughts ran through my mind. Ok, she's related to me and I love her, but I don't like her at all. I don't know many single guys to begin with, but of the ones I do I wouldn't be mean enough to try to set them up with her. She's almost 27, never been married, two kids from two Dad's (one she's not quite sure of the father) and has loads of emotional/mental problems. Yeah, I'm going to find her a husband. Then I felt like saying, uh, Mom, it's not like having a husband did you any good (except for having two cool kids), why do you think that would help her??
It should be noted that when I was in college and had broken up with The Hubs my Mom made the statement to him that if I didn't wise up and get back together with him she hoped he'd wait for my Sister. I'm going to puke.
She also is thinking of having a weight loss procedure, not gastric bypass like others in my family have done, but something involving a lapband. This of course turned into a lap dance discussion and then we discovered that there actually are strip exercise classes and my SIL mentioned she saw an ad in the paper for your own strip poles. Wow, who knew?
The Hubs and my Uncle had a discussion about the things that need fixed at my folks house. First the Uncle said it needs a coat of paint, which is true, but pretty impossible to do seeing as how a lot of the wood is rotten. There's a mattress and box springs lying in the yard, a heap of God knows what piled in the backyard, not to mention the wood pile, metal shed bulging with junk and overgrown bushes and weeds. My Uncle said underneath the house is a mud pit because they have so many leaks that have gone unchecked for years.
To brighten things up The Hubs pointed out that if, when the folks kick the bucket, they split the house between the three kids we'd end up losing money just to get rid of the thing. How do grown people get to that level of white trashiness?
As many of you know, The Hubs and I have known each other for quite awhile--24 years to be exact. We met when our Dads were stationed in Germany. Tonight we were talking about when we were dating back then. Most of these stories involve making out.
I lived on the second floor of army housing and he lived in the building behind me. One afternoon my Mom was sitting downstairs outside and The Hubs and I were upstairs in our living room making out. My brother, who was about 9 at the time caught us and immediately ran down the stairs yelling Mom, they're making out up there!
I freaked out but The Hubs said, Don't worry I'll take care of it. He then proceeded to go downstairs and tell my Mom a bold faced lie for the first time. He looked her in the eye and told her my brother was lying because he was mad that we didn't take him with us to the movies. My brother got a spanking.
After a date, The Hubs and I would make out in our stairwell. The stairwell lights were on timers and clicked off after about 10 minutes. The light would click off, we'd make out fast and furious until my Mom would yell from behind the door, Turn the light on! We'd click the light on again (but I wouldn't make out with the light on because people could see in) talk for a few minutes, waiting for the light to click off again.
One of the things people said when they were stationed overseas and were talking about the U.S. they'd say the World. Like, Hey were did you get that cassette tape? Oh, my friend from back in the World sent it to me. When your Dad received his orders and you found out you were moving in 60 days you were called short (as in short timer). You'd tell people, I'm going back to the World soon, my Dad got his orders.
When we dated The Hubs was allowed to come in to my bedroom when he came to visit because we didn't have a den. We had to keep the door open though so at anytime my parents or brother or sister could come be-bopping in. Despite this, we learned to listen for the squeak of the hardwood floors and made out anyway. One such time we were caught up in a moment and didn't hear my Mom coming down the hall until it was too late. The Hubs, who's pants were unzipped and a certain body part was hanging out rolled over onto his stomach and my Mom came and sat down beside him. He told her he'd get up but he really hurt his back earlier that day. She sat there and talked with us for a few minutes and then got up and left. He still remembers the pain.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
It seems a switch has been flipped in my hormonal balance, much like it was both times I was pregnant, and I am resembling the mindset of an 18 year old boy.
This turn of events, and the discussions about such events that The Hubs and I have participated in, led me to do some Internet research tonight.
I was in fact trying to find out if the whole myth about male/female sexual peaks was true--you know the one where guys reach theirs at 18 and women in their 30s, but there isn't really a lot of scientific fact behind that.
Through my studies this evening I've learned that it is also still in dispute as to not only the location of but the actual existence of the G spot (named after some German scientist). I have learned that there aren't necessarily two different kinds of female orgasms, which I had assumed, but rather they're sort of lumped together as one. I also read that Freud said that young women have clitoral orgasms but when they mature they have vaginal orgasms--this has since been disproved since they think there's only one type of orgasm. More knowledge--the head of the penis and the clitoris originate from the same type of cells at creation so they experience similar feelings; some believe that the foreskin is actually a natural stimulant to the vagina, which means that when you circumcise a man you are not only robbing the women he has sex with of pleasure you are also robbing him of pleasure.
Although all of these bits of knowledge are interesting, what I found most astonishing is that there isn't a lot of well documented, scientific Western study on sex. There are a million theories, but not a lot of actual data. However, China is thought to have the most extensive research on the topic because the Eastern mentality is much more open than the Western, at least in terms of sex. Go figure.
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
I blog because I like to write and share ideas and have this interactive forum (props to my peeps who've been leaving comments! I don't know if it pops up in your email when I respond to the comments, but I am trying to do that with all of them.)
I look at my kids' school Web site.
Sometimes I hit next blog button on blogger when I'm bored and looking around. Occasionally I'll find a cool blog that I'll read for a few months (haven't done that in awhile though, actually since taking my current job--no time).
I email constantly. I love email. I miss getting real letters in the mail, but love email just the same.
I occasionally visit retail Web sites--eBay, Amazon, Target, etc.
However, when I look at publications like magazines I never go to their Web site. I love reading magazines, I like the sound of the paper, the portability, being able to tear out pictures, etc.
How do you use the Internet? Do you read magazines online? Would you rather read one online or in person? Do you think the Internet will ever replace print media?
(I just did spell check. Apparently I can't spell occassionally.)
Instead we're going to go to the beach for a few days and a few other little fun things the kids have been wanting to do.
I'm relieved but still worried that The Hubs will regret it. Sometimes, even when you think you really know a person you can never REALLY know their deepest feelings. I'm still very disappointed in my FIL, still angry with him and sad for The Hubs.
He left this morning for a biz trip, coming home tomorrow. I think his travelling is starting to make him realize that I don't LOVE it when I have to go out of town either. I've always told him that but I think he's just now seeing things from the other side. Sure it's great to have someone else clean up your room and have some down time in the evenings etc. and on the off chance you get to do something fun (which isn't often) it's ok. But he missed Cub Scouts last night because of a meeting and will miss spending time with The Boy tonight (he and The Boy have "guy" time when The Girl and I have scouts) and that's made him realize travelling isn't all it's cracked up to be.
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
Today the topic is Spring Break and the fact that my Father-in-Law (FIL) and his wife have said since last year that they're coming here that week. This in itself had its pros and cons. The pros being that the FIL has only been to visit us two times in the 16 years we've lived here and the last time was more than 7 years ago so we were looking forward to having him here. He's never seen the house, hasn't seen the kids in a couple of years, and The Hubs really wanted him to see what he's made of his life, especially since his Mom died before we moved into the house. The cons are that less than a year after my MIL died a couple of years ago my FIL married her younger sister. This has been a hard pill for just about all of us to swallow. The Hubs went to the Vegas wedding and has listened patiently as the Aunt has basically moved into his Mom's house and redecorated/remodeled the whole thing. She basically stepped in at the last minute and took all the marbles so to speak. So it was going to be a con that they would be in our house as a couple, uncomfortable, etc.
Last night the FIL says they can't come now because he doesn't have anyone to keep his dogs and he doesn't want to pay to board them. He did offer to send us money (about the same he'd pay to board his dogs) for us to come to OK. He said it would be easier that way. Uh, yeah, easier on him because he wouldn't have to board his dogs (which we'd have to find something to do with our animals) and he wouldn't be driving across country with two kids.
I'm stunned. Stunned that he can be so inconsiderate, selfish and unfeeling. Stunned that since my MIL died he's put himself above his kids, has shoved a marriage they understandably had issues with down their throats and basically will not compromise on anything. He won't visit his only daughter because he doesn' t like her husband (Bubba Ass) and the fact that one of her daughters has bi-racial babies. I don't know if he was like this before the MIL died and she just shielded everyone from it or if he's just turned into an ass.
The Hubs said from day one that something would come up and they wouldn't come, but he didn't think he'd wait until 3 weeks out to cancel. Thank GOD we didn't tell the kids because that would have added a whole other level of pissed off to my plate. The Hubs, being his stoic self, says it's ok, but it kills me for him, really kills me for him that the only parent he has left is doing this. If my MIL were alive I do believe she'd kick the FIL's ass.
We will go to OK for Spring Break if for no other reason than guilt. The Hubs feels like he didn't see his Mom enough when she was alive so he feels like this is something he has to do. In the big scheme of things I don't mind. I used to like my FIL a lot. I had a lot of respect for him because he really was a doting husband to my MIL and in general he was a good person, friendly, fun and sometimes more of a father than my own. So it will be fine going out there, my anger will have dissipated by then. It will be hard though. Seeing my MIL's house transformed, seeing the Aunt there. It will be hardest on The Hubs though. He's the baby of his family of four kids and, in my opinion, he was his Mom's favorite.
I'm just so disappointed with and fucking pissed at my FIL.
I went off some last night, probably not a good idea because The Hubs was in his own zone with the whole thing, and technically I do have the right seeing as how I've been listening to shit about my family (albeit warranted) for decades. I needed to vent but not to him really, it's his Dad, you don't talk shit about some one's parents when they're feeling low to begin with.
It really is amazing that The Hubs and I turned out as wonderful as we are (don't choke!) considering the gene pools we emerged from.
Monday, March 5, 2007
Sunday, March 4, 2007
We slept in late--I'm talking 11 a.m. late two days in a row! It was heavenly. Seems like we've been going full steam for so long, either with me travelling or The Hubs or something going on every weekend. It was good to just snooze in.
We also did our part to support the economy. We went to Costco, which I love and we made a stop in the Evil Empire, which I hate.
The folks came over for an early dinner today. We're not early dinner eaters normally. During the week it's because of work/daycare/scouts etc. but even on the weekends we're used to eating around 6 p.m. Today we ate around 4:30 since my dad goes to bed around 6. Of course he gets up at the ungodly hour of like 3a.m. It's really depressing to be around them though. This summer they will be married for 40 years and it is so obvious that they don't even enjoy being around each other. How can people live that way?
Growing up I remember the fights, which were pretty much a constant, but there were also some "normal" times in there. I remember as early as second grade being excited after one of their fights because Mom said we were leaving. Of course she never did. As I got older I guess I learned to tune them out. I know all married couples argue, The Hubs and I do from time to time, and we've even had our share of really ugly fights. I don't think I've asked for a divorce though in at least two years, but I was notorious for that at one time. Probably because that's what I always heard growing up.
I know some people stay together because of the kids, but aside from the fact that my almost 27 year old sister and her two kids live there off and on, they can't be staying together because of us. My Mom even told my brother and I a year or more ago that she wanted to leave our Dad. Growing up I was always on her side, mostly because that's how she manipulated things. But the older I've gotten I've seen that manipulative side of her and heard more of my Dad's side of the story and frankly I feel more sorry for him sometimes. Don't get me wrong, he's done some heinous, unforgivable things in his life and he's an alcoholic who denies it, but my Mom really and truly is a bitch. Hell, if I were married to her I'd probably be an alcoholic too.
But at this point in life, why spend the last third of it married to someone you can't stand? Don't they realize this is it? You have to enjoy life, surround yourself with people you love and enjoy being with, not spend it making your husband work a schedule that's so opposite yours that you basically never see each other. Of course that makes sense for my Mom because she's the Queen of Passive Aggressive behavior and avoidance.
To this day The Hubs knows the fastest way to cut me to the quick when we're in a spat is to tell me I'm just like my Mom or Dad. God, I hope my kids NEVER feel this way about me.
Thursday, March 1, 2007
I did get a little more detail from the Girl on the date. Apparently the Boyfriend tried a little harder to impress her than she did him. She said he had on too much cologne or deodorant and was stinky. LOL Poor kid.
The Boy wrote me this sweet note (his hair cut looks soooo cute!).
I love you as much as I can count.
You make me smile when I am sad, and I'll love you even when I die.
I love mommy.
your the best mommy ever.
Big T brought me in some Van CDs (THANK YOU!) and my order of other CDs came in too. Here's what I got:
Frampton Comes Alive--This was my first concert (3rd grade) and I have the album but no way to listen to it.
Reflections Carly Simon's Greatest Hit---because I love her and had cassettes of her but only one CD
Actual Miles--Don Henley's Greatest Hits
Van Morrison--Astral Weeks--because it's Van and I now love him.
Whitney Houston--don't laugh. It's an old CD, one I had a tape of in high school. When the Hubs took me to Paris for my senior trip this was the tape I took with me so it was like the background music for that time. : )
Sarah McLachlan--Surfacing--because the Hubs likes girl singers and I thought he'd like it.
John Denver's Greatest Hits--this one the Hubs picked out and I haven't seen yet but it has Country Roads on it, props to WV.