Thursday, April 30, 2009

the pool got bigger

one of my good friends, broad minded, got laid off today. the pool of my friends who are unemployed is bigger than those who are employed. this is scary for a couple of reasons--first, just because of the sheer statistics. i'm not a mathematician and don't use excel (like SOME people i know ::wink wink::: hotch) but i would say the percentage is high. second, because many of us work in the same field with the same skill set and in our geographic location, the publishing jobs are few and far between.

i have had a stomach bug for the last two days, or maybe it's allergies, i don't know but i have felt like crapulence (a word i stole from ali at callapipper tree). do not utter the words swine flu because that whole situation is starting to freak me the hell out as well.

you would think that i have oodles of free time, at least i thought i would. but, omg, do you realize the paperwork and red tape you have to go through to be unemployed? not only the crap from the company i worked at but then there's insurance shit and COBRA. and, companies have an inordinate amount of time to send you all of this information, by law, forgetting that the papers they're shuffling have people and families behind them, people who need their severance money and need their insurance etc. it is such a pain in the ass.

this morning i have been combing through job site after job site to find something to apply for. the companies that want you to fill out online applications (like government jobs or universities) holy hell they could not make the process any more involved and cumbersome. just shoot me. it took me about 3 1/2 hours to find and fill out forms for two freaking jobs. blech.

i talked with one of the girls who got laid off when i did this morning and she is in the funk as well. she'd been w/ the company twice as long as i had and is really feeling that loss a lot harder. i think, at least for now, i am feeling emotionally better.

i would feel even better if i saw hope on the horizon or light at the end of the tunnel. reading through pages and pages of want ads and coming up with two jobs to apply for, and those aren't even really in my field, which is totally fine, is just mind boggling. i am not committed to staying in my field, but then again i don't want to start all over again in something totally foreign making 10-20k less. i simply can't afford to do that.

there is a huge demand for nurses or anything health care related; truck drivers; sales associates or customer service reps.

i have at least two other posts brewing in my head, posts that are not unemployed whiner related or poor me related, but for now i have some housework to do before i pick up the boy who is cashing in on our last day of health insurance w/ a trip to the doc for is allergy eczema.

i will leave you with this moving paragraph i just swiped from broad's blog. she is one of my bff's in person. aside from the hubs (who, bless his heart has been pretty amazing through all of this shit, well, most days ; ) because damn we've had a lot to digest in the last two months) broad and big t have been saving graces for me. i wonder if being unemployed will change the tone of broad's blog, which has historically been based on politics (which she knows i am not passionate about). she is an incredible writer, sarcastic, witty, etc. and she's the first person i ever heard use the word snarky.

"What I expect from my male friends is that they are polite and clean. What I expect from my female friends is unconditional love, the ability to finish my sentences for me when I am sobbing, a complete and total willingness to pour their hearts out to me, and the ability to tell me why the meat thermometer isn't supposed to touch the bone." —Anna Quindlen, Living Out Loud

oh, and just because i want to rub it in your face---the hubs came home early yesterday and we had sex in the middle of the afternoon! LOL

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

good day sunshine

today is a good day. i've started mentally labeling my days. good days vs. bad days. i am emotionally all over the place with this joblessness thing. so far the bad days have out numbered the good days. i have pulled away from my friends, haven't blogged as much, have had only the most necessary contact with people in general, ya know, outside of my immediate family.

i still feel like a raw nerve (hence the reason for pulling back because the slightest thing sets me off), but today it is better.

i had a second meeting w/ a guy who wants me to do some freelance writing for him. not only does it mean some money it boosts my ego. i have never been a very self confident person and i think a lot of my self confidence has come from my job. when i am in a job, even though i feel like a fraud, i do feel like i know what i'm doing. so, to have someone hire me to write something made me feel good. i have about a month to do it, which is plenty of time.

i have been having vivid work-related dreams. in one a former boss, who i respected a lot and liked as a person, hired me and some other co-workers for a company he'd just started. in the dream he told everyone in the company except me what the company was really about and what the project really was. i was left in the dark and felt betrayed.

in another dream i went back to my former office and one person (who's a friend of mine) would talk to me, everyone else ignored me. i started looking around and people who were laid off in january and people laid off when i was were rehired and i wasn't.

i will make a more concerted effort to get back to my blog reading and commenting too. i know you have all been waiting w/ bated breath for my pithy comments ; )

Monday, April 27, 2009

an experiment

i recently discovered that i can reply to your comments via email. i am going to try this for awhile to see how we like it. i like acknowledging your comments and normally i respond to your comments in the comments. let's try this way for awhile. let me know what you think and if you prefer me to respond to comments in comments or in email.

that is perhaps the most poorly written paragraph in the history of paragraphs huh? sorry.

so the hubs didn't post while i was gone. he was busy having "guy night" w/ the boy every night. they went out to eat one night and there were wrestling matches (the boy now holds the house title i guess) and there was root beer. they also watched a movie and generally did guy stuff.

captain's log

april 22, 9:33 am
we've been on the bus since 7am; 2 1/2 hours into a 10 hour ride. the bus is freezing. the kids are excited and loud. (telling them to shut the fuck up isn't an option)

i suspect that the girl is chatting via her ds texting capabilities w/ a boy on the bus. at the rest stop i hear her walking behind me telling her friend, "he said he liked me."

i am trying not to hover over her because this trip isn't about me and her bonding really, it's about me not being ready to send her 10 hours away for 3 days alone. i need to remember the excitement of this time in life. i never went on overnights in 6th grade but i did a few times in high school and it was as much about the bus trip and being out of school as it was about wherever we were going.

omg--it's been too long since i've hand written anything. my hand is cramping.

it is 9:50, is that too early to eat lunch? i want to put my ear phones on and sleep like i do on planes, would that be rude? i'm a chaperon after all. but right now the teacher's patrolling the bus and the other two parents are just vegging out.

12:25--we stopped to eat our brown bagged lunch at a rest stop and are now back on the bus. my group of kids consists of 8--one of which is the girl another of which is the boy she was talking about earlier. he has since moved up to sit behind me, directly across from the girl. we are in Tennessee now.

one of the other boys in my group has lost his father (and not as in he misplaced him). he was talking about his cooler and how it made him think of his dad. i asked why--he said because he's dead. i said i'm sorry (a stupid, pat response actually). he said don't be, my dad believed in heaven and that's where he is now. i can't help be reminded of my nephews, who also are w/out their father.

the girl's math teacher is on our bus. she told me what a wonderful student the girl is, not only smart but so pleasant and respectful and she said all of the teachers feel that way about her. that makes me so proud!

part of my being here is also to get some idea of how the girl acts around other kids her age. i realize this may not be truly accurate, since i'm here and she's apt to behave a bit differently because of that, but, we'll see.

we just passed a club--the katch--w/ silhouettes of people dancing and it said dance club. swanky. the building was right off the interstate and built out of cinder blocks. i'm sure it's a classy establishment.

listening to the mp3 player now--really, is there a voice more wonderful than rod stewart/ srsly--wonderful isn't even the word. you are my lover, you're my best friend, you're in my soul. you'll be my breath should i grow old.

you never really realize just how many shades of green there are until you look at a mountain side full of trees; laid out like a multi-hued carpet, looking soft and bushy.

--all for one and all for love--let the one you hold be the one you want, the one you need. bryan adams--all for love.
87 miles to Chattanooga.

2:30 (1:30pm central)--i napped, we had another pit stop and the movie playing now is mighty joe young--a disney flick i somehow missed but, guess who's in it??? sayid and bill (the dad on big love) and charleze theron! who knew? this movie has to be 10 yrs old. sayid just said--i'm not moving but my bowels are. really, great movie quote. lol

i can't help but wonder how tense and worried i would be today if i hadn't been laid off. our issue ships to the printer friday and a major trade show starts saturday. it would have been a crazy stressful week and i'd be here (because it was already planned and paid for) freaking out about work.

Friday, april 24, 10:30am--it has been a long, regimented few days. we're on the bus on the way home.

things i've learned over the last 3 days and 2 nights:
1. i am lucky to have the child i have. she is perfectly well behaved, respectful and polite. there are 80-90 kids here. of the 21 kids in our group, there were maybe 7 that were really well behaved, three that had special needs (including the boy who lost his father), 4-5 that were just rambunctious and about 6 who i would have liked to beat the hell out of.
2. 12-13 year olds are SO much more mature than i was at 12-13.
3. the state of alabama (which runs space camp) is raking in at least $21 million a year from this thing. they need to reinvest money in the facilities and staff though. it's looking sad and run down. not as high tech as i imagined space camp would be.
4. i could not be a middle school teacher.
5. it scare me to see all of these floundering kids w/ some it is painfully obvious that they receive little/no parenting and/or attention.
6. i did not know very much at all about the u.s. space program before this. i got the cliff notes version of it here; it was interesting. and, while there is no way in hell i'd personally do it, it makes me sad that we no longer go to the moon because we've been there done that and the money and public interest doesn't support it.
7. i rode the g-force simulator--sort of like the ride at an amusement part that spins you around, but much faster. this one went at least 50mph. it was not scary but rather uncomfortable. i felt like someone was sitting on my chest and i couldn't breath. the girl rode this one twice!
8. i also rode the gyroscope looking thing (as did the girl) which was pretty fun.
9. the girl is independent. I've known this, but it was more obvious now. the only time she sought me out was for money for the vending machines. i did manage to "accidentally" sit by her a few times though.
10. i need a new pair of tennis shoes. mine are either too small or something because having my feet laced up for 3 days has sucked.
11. the camaraderie you develop w/ other chaperons is interesting. there were 80-90 kids here; 4 school personnel (one 6th grade teacher, assistant principal and 2 special ed teachers), 5 parents and the teacher's husband. each of us we're directly responsible for 8-9 kids but we traveled in teams of three groups--w/ 3 chaperons each and the assistant principal was a floater.
12. i haven't had a smoke since wed. morning.
13. from what i've seen of alabama from the bus window, it is not unlike nc. i have been to birmingham, al before and it was quite lovely. but, if it's 80+ there now, holy hell i couldn't live there in the summer.

3 something eastern time--if i ventured in the slipstream...could you find me, would you kiss my eyes, lay me down....(van morrison, astral weeks, on my mp3)

we've stopped for lunch. i've been doing some crossword puzzles, listening to my mp3 player. of the kids on the bus i have decided who the girl can be life-long friends w/ and which boy would be a suitable husband (it is not the one she was texting). the boy i like for her is actually one she has mentioned before. he too is one of the smarter kids in the class. i've only witnessed his demeanor on the bus and in all group times because he was in the other group at space camp. about an hour into the bus trip wednesday he moved up front so he could read--it was too loud in the back. he is not dorky or geeky at all, just seems mature for his age. he is respectful and funny and curious and nice. (srsly, is there anything better than van morrison? i am forever grateful to my friend big t for many, many things, one of them being introducing me to van--not in person dumb ass, but to his music! i can't believe it took me so long to discover him)

there are kids, boys and girls both--who are HUGE. i'm 5'4" so it's no big deal that there would be kids taller than me, but omg, there are 6th graders who are nearly 6'!

the above were the notes i jotted down on the bus ride. the girl and i had a good time, but it really wasn't what i expected. we had literally every minute of the day scheduled. i understand them wanting to keep the kids occupied, but we could've used a few more breaks through out the day. i am amazed by how many kids were so badly behaved. i don't remember kids being like that when i was in middle school. the assist. principal said there would be kids on suspension this week because of their behavior on the trip. the girl rode every simulator she could and had a blast. i don't think she was so enthused about the space program history part, but it was interesting. i'll post some pics later, possibly today.

and yes--one of the movies they showed on the way to space camp camp! LOL. i only caught bits and pieces so now of course i want to rent it. our space camp adventure wasn't quite that involved.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

3..2...1...blast off

ok, that's a little dramatic because i'm sure they aren't going to let us fly a rocket or launch anything at space camp.

the hubs has agreed to guest post while i'm gone. i've never had a guest poster! wow. be kind to him. i will warn you, he is liable to say anything, nothing is taboo w/ him really.

i will be three days w/out computer access. i'm quite sure i might have withdrawals. also? no smoking. ah. no cigs, no computer and a kabillion whacked out 6th graders. wtf was i thinking?????

spacing out

tomorrow at the ass crack of morning (6:30) the girl and i and half of the sixth graders in her school are piling on a bus for a lovely drive to alabama. we are going to space camp in huntsville : ) (i'll think of you hotch, though i'm sure i have no idea how close you live to huntsville). we will try not to disturb too much of the space program while we are there. i am trying to convince the hubs to possibly do a guest post or two while i'm away. i'll be gone wed-friday.

i am still floundering a bit with this unemployment thing. i have not figured out a good balance of my time yet. there are many things i need to do (aside, of course, from finding a J.O.B.) and things that i want to do and in the mean time i'm fighting the feeling of just not wanting to do anything.

i'm sure a lot more of these feelings will unfold here. i feel like i'm on the brink of something; almost like i've been given a gift, a do-over if you will. i know i have to have a job (with insurance) but part of me also wants to see what this is like, this stay at home mom stuff. right now things haven't changed, but in a couple of weeks the kids will be coming home after school. and then there will be the summer.

in a perfect world i'd get an awesome full time/full benefits job next week, but that's not happening. i also know that the grass is always greener on the other side. the part of me that wonders what it would be like to have the kids home w/ me is getting bonked over the head by the part of me that knows they will quickly get bored and frustrated being home all the time and i will have to find things to entertain them and we will all get on each others' nerves. i know this as sure as i'm sitting here.

the part of me that feels like i got a do-over says that because i was so burnt out w/ my job. i liked aspects of it but i had totally lost my passion for it. the corporate environment sucked the fucking life out of me. maybe i'm being idealistic in thinking that there is a job out there, a company, that would be a perfect fit for me. i also know that when all is said and done i will find a job and even if it is not the perfect job it will be a job.

in the meantime i will try to look at all of this as a learning experience.

i have learned three things this week. three totally random things actually. first, when the grocery store has a big chunk of beef on sale, those chunks that i would have no idea how to cook? yeah, you just have the meat guy grind that shit up and you have sirloin hamburger meat. voila. i never knew.

also--when you're cooking/prepping stuff in the kitchen, put all of your scraps in a bowl rather than keep going back and forth to the garbage can. i'm sure you all knew that already but i didn't and it was a pretty aha moment. like, why the hell didn't i think of that before.

lastly--cats like sitting on the laptop keyboard. blo (before lay off) i would noodle around on the laptop and then close it up and stick it in the dining room or something. now i tend to leave it on the kitchen table, open, so i can check email (because i have become inordinately accustomed to being "plugged" in and can't go too long w/ out checking email or whatever--yes, i'm a loser) and meow has decided this is a lovely warm spot to sit. not so good when i come back and her fat ass has depressed a lot of buttons and i have all these windows open and my screen size gets shrunk and i don't know how to fix it. nice.

bea--i will mail your box o' goodies on saturday or monday (since i'm going to be spaced out until then). don't worry, just because it was a bizarro sex contest does not mean i will send you porn or bizarro sex stuff. uh....unless that's what you want? i think we have some flavored condoms around here somewhere ; )

Sunday, April 19, 2009

and the weiner is.......

as you may know, i ran a contest to find out the most bizarre places you've done the nasty. here are the contestants:

drollgirl said...
hahahahah! your contest is great! i am trying to think where i have had sex besides beds, floors and couches. a couple of times in a vw bus. many times on boats and ships (i had an ex that was a captain). once on a balcony. a couple of times in a pool. boy, i am boring. i know i am not going to win this contest unless i go home and grab the man and we do it from the produce isle in the grocery store or something.

Not Your Aunt Bea said...
50 yard line Kyle Field. It was awesome. Still have the padlock that was unlocked that we used to sneak in. And part of my engagement proposal was on the same 50 yard line. Not the same night, though :p

Gal Friday said...
As for the contest...I can say I have had up sex on the beach and that was a l-o-n-g time ago.

Sherendipity said...
Now, on to the sex. The strangest place that Brad and I have had sex was in his Grandmother's bathroom. Now, that doesn't sound quite so bad, but it was during Thanksgiving dinner, and there were no less than 20 people over at the time, in her small 1 bathroom farm house. The glare from Brad's flushed face could have probably cooked the damn turkey that year.

broad minded said...
Now for the fun stuff. Hmm . . . I once did it in an open partitioned studio corner in the basement of a girls dorm at school. We were in the last one and other people may have been in the large open room and could have easily seen/heard us.or one time, also in college, I did it out by the tennis courts and just moments after we got dressed the campus cops came by.Another time I did it on a dead end street, in daylight in the back of a convertible with the top down.I think those are the most daring instances. dang i used to be almost wild.

Hotch Potchery said...
My weirdest place was in a classroom in the liberal arts building, like Bea, on our college campus. Same day, we also hit the parking garage. Mr. P had just returned after being gone for 45 days. We were a bit randy. If you ask Mr. P, his favorite weird place was a 'tiki hut' on the beach in Destin.

only a movie said...
Sadly, the most exciting location I can report is mid-day at home whilst two teenagers where sleeping in on New Years Day. That's as risky as it gets for us.

IB said...
One time, before we were married, we did it on the floor of the employee's bathroom at work. Seems weird now, but not so much at that moment. She was worried about germs so I got to lie on the tile.

anonymous (to you, not to me)
1) In the parking lot of my college boyfriend's Catholic church. He had been a good Catholic boy for a while anyway.2) On the floor of my oldest son's bedroom while he was sleeping. Our youngest was conceived that night.

the guest judge for this competition is the hubs : ) and he picked.....drum roll please.....bea and her 50 yard line. : ) congrats to bea! yeah. email me ( your address and you will received a wonderful package o' goodies.

and, for anon--doing it on the sons bedroom floor? yeah, the hubs says you need to say some hail mary's or something ; )

thanks for playing. i hope you had fun : ) and really, celebrate by picking a bizarro place and have at it OXOXOX

Friday, April 17, 2009

i'm coming

i apologize. i haven't been around to your blogs or commenting lately. but, i will. i'm starting slowly. so, if you see that i've commented somewhere and i haven't been to you yet, do not think i've forsaken you, i'm just slow. i will come. i will read. i will comment. because i do love you all : ) and thank you all for the comments/love/support. it really has made a difference.

i had a better day today.

i have to thank my friend bethie (though i don't think she reads this much) because she hooked me up w/ what could possibly be a freelance gig for writing. i am optimistic about it, but, if it doesn't pan out it still made me feel good because it made me realize that i'm not an idiot. i have long held this idea (and i know some of you have had it because we've had this conversation) that one day i'd wake up and people would realize i was a fraud. how could i possibly get paid to write and edit? it's a no brainer type of thing. i've thought that i would be discovered and people would realize i'm not as good as they thought. but, today i realized that i really do know what the hell i'm talking about and people really do believe that i know what i'm talking about. so, it felt good.

the kids are spending the night w/ my bro/sil, gameboy and puddin. the hubs and i went to dinner, then bought some plants and are relaxing.

this weekend i will visit and comment. i will also be consulting w/ the judge (aka the hubs) on the submissions for the contest--you know the one where you were to submit the most uncommon place you'd had sex? so, i will announce that winner on sunday. if you haven't yet submitted a comment or emailed me, you have until sunday : )


it is the third day of unemployment. the first day i did well. i was almost giddy, very optimistic, the boy even commented on the good mood i was in. that quickly fell apart yesterday.

reality set in. i looked on monster, oh sure, if i want to become a nurse or sell something i'm golden. i can't do either. srsly. when i went to college i started out thinking i'd be an ob/gyn, cos even then i loved babies that much, but quickly realized that meant blood and gross stuff and needles and i bailed and went into journalism. so, can't be a nurse. and i really can't sell stuff.

i have a feeling of uselessness. of being untethered w/ no purpose, nothing to ground me, no direction. and it makes me feel guilty and scared. the hubs really and truly could not be more awesome about the whole thing. he's understanding. he's supportive. he makes jokes and tries to make me laugh (as in he said he'd get two more jobs and i could just stay home forever in exchange for a bj every morning and sex every afternoon). he reminds me that financially we will be ok for awhile and of our options, etc.

little things are sending me off the deep end. yesterday i had lunch w/ several of my friends. one left the company a few years ago for another job; two of the others were ones laid of in jan. and one of the others still works there. i thought it would be fun, uplifting. it made it worse. they are not worried, unfathomable to me. they are not stressed, how can they not be? they lost jobs in january and haven't jumped back in. granted one is going to school, totally changing her career path and doing something she'll love (plus she has no kids and a hubs that has a good job) the other is working part time and her hubs is working and she has a little baby, but she still is not worried. well, i'm sure they worry but i don't get the carefree feeling they seemingly have.

those that were laid off before keep telling me it will take a week or so before i feel good about this.

after the lunch i came home, morose, puttering around the house because now that's my thing--i am a housewife right? (because the kids are at school) and i'm totally not knocking wah or sah moms, but being thrown into it like i have been has really taken me off guard. anyway, so then my publisher (who also got laid off) calls me and regales me w/ the numerous job offers she's already had and how many people have reached out to her etc. and i just wanted to die. (come to find out later most of what she said was highly exaggerated.)

that insecure part of me does not understand this whole thing. i know if i were a different person--one who plays the office politics and sucks up to the queen of evil--i would probably still have my job. but the insecure part keeps screaming that that's not the reason, the reason is because i didn't do a good job or i wasn't more organized or i was a horrible writer/editor or insert whatever here. if i were good why aren't people knocking on my door right away?

i was finishing up that little pity party but still wallowing when the hubs came home early from work. i don't know that he's worked a full day since this has happened. he calls me through out the day and then typically shows up around 3 to check on me. so yesterday he comes home and i'm like--yeah, i'm having a bad day.

he builds me back up, gives me a pep talk, and a hot beef injection, and i'm ok.

then we get the kids and head out to pick up some things we need. internally i am freaking out. we cannot spend money. what the hell are we doing spending money? i'm screaming this in my head. the kids needed bathing suits (they're swimming at daycare--which they will only be attending for the next few weeks since it's already paid for--then, home after school w/ me and if this stretches out, home w/ me for the summer). and they wanted to spend their allowance, etc. and we got some things to add to our veggie/fruit garden.

we'd already planted 25 strawberry plants, so we added some lettuce, a cantaloupe, a couple of tomatoes, a squash and some cilantro. we'll see how well i do at farming.

so the shopping thing sort of freaked me out. when we got home i talked to my friend big t, who was one of the ones laid of in jan. and who has been like a rock for me. she is the most amazing person, really. she reiterated a lot of what the hubs said earlier (ya know, w/out the sex though) and that too made me feel better.

i slept in this morning--the hubs got the kids up and off to school. today i'm meeting w/ a friend who might be hooking me up w/ some freelance work. i will also register for an online class---another dilemma, take creative writing or something practical like web design?---so i can start getting unemployment right away, and find my resume and the hubs and polish them up.

and? i used to laugh and scratch my head when my friends who'd been laid off talked about how busy their days were, but i'm sitting here now going omg, it's 10:30, i have to leave for my mtg at 1 and i have to get x,y and z done!

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

a new leaf

i just realized i haven't posted for 7 days. wow. that must be a record.

the hubs got home safely from florida. though i am glad that part of it is over with, it's never really over and there still are a lot of emotions to deal with. i look back at the month we've had and wtf just doesn't seem to cover it.

saturday we went to my niece's 1st birthday party--today is her actual birthday! happy birthday my sweet puddin. she is so amazing. she got a little shopping cart for her birthday and LOVED the hell out of the walking freedom it gave her. she's taking a few steps on her own, but having that cart in front of her gave her "wings" and i'm sure she'll be walking on her own any time now.

we colored eggs saturday night and i'll try to post pics of our awesome eggs. dying easter eggs is one of my favorite things, along w/ decorating sugar cookies and carving pumpkins for halloween.

easter sunday--we did the church thing, which oddly enough has been quite difficult to bear these last several weeks. i know some people work through their grief with their faith but if anything it has made it harder for me in some ways. i just sit in the pew and want to bawl the whole time. afterwards we went to my folks house.

this brings us to yesterday--when i got laid off. there were 8 of us in this round. i can't say as i was totally surprised but it was still a bit of a shock. this marks the third time in my career that i've been laid off. note to all journalism/marketing students--publishing/media is a fickle bitch. the first time i got laid off was because the magazine i worked for went out of business. i fell into a depression after that one. the second time i was working for a software company in the marketing department and marketing is always the first thing to go when times get tough. this time again in publishing. the magazine is still there but advertising is dropping off the face of the earth and the industry we covered is suffering.

i have so many mixed emotions right now. anger, relief, fear, anxiety, freedom. the way they have restructured things i'm glad i'm not the one left because it will be an even more uphill battle but i am a bit pissed. under different circumstances i would have said i hope my book survives, but i think the powers that be have no clue what they're doing and are making knee jerk reactions and the one person they've kept is not going to be the saving grace. i think it will take me a few days to stop worrying about the job and realize that those worries are no longer mine. i woke up this morning w/ that rushed, anxious feeling thinking about all the things i needed to get done because we have a deadline coming up and then i thought, ha, it's not my problem any more. my main concern is insurance, though i have a little time before i have to really worry about it. i got a severance package and we'll be ok for awhile, i just know that awhile could be longer than i'd like.

i also am not necessarily panicked about my career. i have been burnt out w/ it and perhaps needed the nudge to do something else w/ my life. i have been touched by the out pouring of anger from people in the industry i worked in. i realize much if it is lip service and in a few days they will go on about their lives and not give me a second thought, but it's still nice to hear their support and to see them tweet about it and try to rally around me. it's good for the ego.

the hubs was incredible about the whole thing. we'd been joking about me losing my job and weren't completely caught off guard. the night before (not realizing of course that yesterday was the day) he joked about me becoming a martha stewart and having dinner ready when he got home and dusting and oh yeah, bjs anytime he wants. lol. apparently i will have to now earn my keep in other ways. the incredible part is his behavior yesterday. i called him right after i got word and he was ready to come to my office and help me pack up. i told him it wasn't necessary, i had a few things to do first and haven't even started packing yet (i've been there 7 yrs). 30 mins later he called me from my parking lot ready to help. i hadn't started packing yet. then when i finally did come home he met me there, just needing to make sure i was ok and not losing my shit.

the kids took it ok--the boy was concerned and supportive of me; told us he could stop getting his allowance. the girl's main concern is that she might not get to go to summer camp at daycare (which she's historically bitched about) and that we might not go out to eat as much.

today i'm going to putter around the house, make some phone calls and hunt for a job : )

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

no humping day

i have a lot of random things floating around in this brain of mine so be prepared to be all over the place w/ this read.

the hubs is on his way home (w/ his sister) from florida. the service was last night. he sounds so very drained, so very tired and eager to be home. he's been gone since sunday.

there will be no welcome home sex. three reasons--i'm sure they will be tired, they probably won't get in until 10pm or later and his sister's flight leaves here at 5:30 in the morning to go back to ohio; mother nature tortured me the entire month of march and didn't give me a period only to drop the bomb on me on sunday, stupid cunt (mother nature, not me); his sister will be spending the night here--i can't have sex w/ extraneous family members in the house.

last week we were sitting on the patio and i noticed something hanging in the neighbor's tree that leans over into our side yard. a bird apparently committed suicide. yes, there is a bird hanging from a string high above my house. an omen? i wish we could reach it to cut it down because it's fucking creepy. the hubs says the bird found out obama got elected and realized that w/ the economy nobody good afford bird seed so he offed himself. don't blame me, i married a republican.

i would take a picture of that bird to show you how creepy it is but i think my beloved camera is broken. i was trying to take pics of the girl when she got inducted into the national junior honor society and it was not cooperating. i love that camera. i will be sad if it is in fact dead.

this deserves a post of its very own but i can't bear (or is it bare? yeah, i'm just an editor wtf do i know about grammar?) another death post. one of my first cousins, one i happen to be closer to than the others, lost his wife yesterday. he is 30 and they'd been married for about 2 yrs. they were actually in the process of getting divorced and were separated, but still. i really can't process any more news like this right now.

for the most part i have not posted much about work in the last few months (aside from all that heinous travel bitching i did awhile back) because even though things annoy me i just really do not care that much about my job any more. i am not career minded. i do not have the passion for it i once did. i am burnt out and though i get irritated, little makes me very angry. ok, except when i vented about people who sit next to me and sneeze loudly or talk too much. anywhoo, long story short, one of my co-workers said that my boss said that i must not be too busy because i come in late and leave early every day. WTF???!!!! i think he must be fucking smoking a skin flute or something (i stole that from someones post i read recently, skin flute). i am at work every day between 8:20 and 9 (most people arrive between 9-9:30), usually before most of his other team of employees even walks in the door. i hardly ever take lunch, nine times out of ten i eat at my desk. yes, i do leave at FIVE PM or 5:15 because i have kids to pick up from daycare. the thing that blows my mind is that i have to walk by his office to get to my hellhole of a pod so he has to see me come in every morning. i am torn between confronting him about the fact that he must be looking at the time on an alice in wonderland clock or maybe he forgot to change it w/ daylight savings? but i don't want to out the co-worker that told me this. part of me says, let it go, it doesn't matter anyway. but it does matter and it pisses me the hell off. i wouldn't be so mad if it were true. i'd be scared if it were true, but it's not and i bust my ass for that fucking company.

i finally have an idea for a contest. i came up w/ it all on my own because the ones you all were suggesting were lame, i mean too tame. ; ) so here is the contest: name the most bizarre place you've had sex and describe it (the place/circumstance not the actual act--unless you just want to). this isn't like that episode of the newlywed game where the host asked the woman to name the most unusual place she'd had sex and she said, that would be the butt, bob. he he, cracks me up. ahem. but no, the winner of this contest will be the person who i think has done it in the weirdest place. if you don't feel comfortable sharing that in comments just email me, winner will get a cool box o' stuff.

to get things started i'll share my weird places, since i can't win my own box o' stuff. when the hubs and i were living in sin together in oklahoma we partied a lot. we were at one of his friends' parties and snuck away to the bathroom and had sex on her vanity. the other odd place was in his parents' backyard, maybe 6 yrs ago (meaning we were adults and had kids). i think we'd been visiting there for about a week and the kids were sleeping in the same room w/ us and so we just waited until everyone was in bed and snuck out to the backyard w/ a blanket. hmmm, actually, those aren't sounding so weird now. oh, wait, one time (at band camp) when i was pregnant w/ the boy i stopped by the hubs' work on my way to work for a quickie. he was a store manager at that time and we did it in his office. i was quite a horn dog when i was pregnant.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

mostly sighs

i don't like scary movies but this cracks me up


happened what? joaquin--have you LOST your mind?

*another sigh*

*girly sigh* even as edward he was yummy

i'm not crazy i'm just a little unwell

i want to give a shout out to all of you who've kept coming back, reading me, despite the sadness that has taken over creative kerfuffleland. i feel like i should redo the blog again and make it all black and have emo music in the background, maybe throw up a picture of twilight's bella for good measure, but, that would take effort and i like the blue/chocolate. plus it would freak kristin out--she doesn't like it when i change the blog ; ). i know it hasn't been enjoyable reading. i know you don't know what to say to make it all better--because words can't fix things. but your comments and emails have really helped. (though REAL friends would send peanut butter and chocolate candies. i'm just sayin')

i have a bad habit of shutting down and pulling into myself when things are bad. i don't pull away from the kids or the hubs (in fact i feel like i can't get close enough to them), but pretty much from everyone else i know. i don't listen to music. i don't post as much. i don't read as much. i don't talk as much. i avoid going to lunch w/ friends, etc. then i feel like a jerk for doing that, even though my friends that know i do it seem to understand and are compassionate.

i was emailing w/ one of my bff's yesterday and she said something about looking at the good things in my life. i guess that's the weird part about all of this and the thing that is hard to describe. i am being totally self-centered in my grief. i am amazingly aware of the blessings i have---the hubs, the kids, the love.

when my grandma died i was sad for the loss, but it wasn't unexpected and i know she had a long life and things happened the way she wanted them too. i was more sad for my lost connection to my childhood and to my grandpa's memory.

when my bil died i was stunned and devastated for his sons and wife and for the hubs. i still can't really fathom it. i am sad for the loss of his life and the things that will never happen for him now. i am sad and frustrated for the hubs over the family drama he's going through. i am angry. but, i cannot begin to tell you how terrified i am of the reality it throws in my face. i am making it about me. and i hate that, but at the same time i can't help it.

it feels like the grim reaper came marching out of what i convinced myself was the very distant future and just plopped down at my kitchen table and demanded a cup of coffee.

grim: hey, howya doin'?

me, looking around nervously: what the hell are you doing here?

grim, slouching down in his chair like some cocky, gold-chain-wearing used-car salesman: eh, just stopped in for some coffee. (he slurps it loudly). and to let you know i'm around. you were getting a bit too cocky there, thinking you had a good life and being all happily in love and married and shit. i just needed to put you in your place.

me: you're heavier than i pictured.

grim, adjusting his crotch: that's called oppression baby. it sits on you like the weight of the world.

me: how long are you staying?

grim, looking around the room like he's casing the joint; ready to steal something from me: hmmm, good question. i don't really know. i don't have a lot going on right now, might just stay here for awhile.

me: i really wish you'd leave now.

grim, grinning: yeah, i just bet you do.

Monday, April 6, 2009


i just got a spam email. from my grandmother.

it's something about me winning a boat but the sender is betty williams. omg.


i haven't been online much lately. not posting, not reading posts. it's easier to play spider solitaire. it is mindless and repetitive and requires little from me.

looking at the calendar today it seems impossible that in the span of three weeks we have had such loss. how can that be? i can go for a day or so and be ok and then i become numb or emotional.

yesterday the hubs' sister flew in and later in the day they started their drive to florida for their brother's funeral service. stretching it out until a week afterwards is harsh. for at least a few days last week it seemed like it was just a bad dream. the initial news shocks you. then a week of waiting lulls you into thinking it was a bad dream. them leaving yesterday for this journey made it real again.

we decided i should stay home w/ the kids. they don't need to go through this again. already they are aware of everything.

i had an epic mom fail moment thursday night. the kids were on spring break so thursday during the day we organized their rooms and new desks and thursday night we went to the movies. everyone wanted to see knowing, w/ nick cage. the previews seemed ok, even though it was pg-13. here's a spoiler for any of you going to see it--there are creepy parts, eery kind of scary for kids (the boy watched from behind his hand in a few scenes). the plot? yeah--the end of the world as we know it brought to us by some solar flare from the sun. yeah---not the best movie for us to see, especially right now.

friday i took the kids to the science museum, cos they wanted to go. an hour into it they decided they have outgrown it. it made me sad. we also went to the library and got ice cream. friday night we had my mom over for dinner.

saturday we worked in the yard and went to the park. i also displayed my cosmic lack of coordination. we were in the garage and i picked up one of the kids' scooters, just to noodle around. i wasn't on it five seconds before the hubs said, please don't do that, you're going to hurt.....wipe out. the scooter flew out from underneath me, i hit the cement floor. i have bruises all over my legs and i jarred my shoulder. just call me grace. i'm still sore and feel so very old.

i made a comment to the hubs that the tmi results so far are embarrassing. he said i should feel free to say that despite the lack of increasing numbers the numbers that are there were awesome and that even after 17 yrs and the fact that he's 43 it rocked. i paraphrased for him.

the differences in my children. the girl was in the garage w/ the hubs and i when i took the scooter spill. she laughed and made fun of me. when the boy heard about my fall he immediately asked if i was ok.

i can't remember when he started this, but one of the things the hubs always says is i'm glad you're my girl (or boy) depending on if he's talking to me, the girl or the boy. this morning as the boy and i were getting ready to leave to take him to school he said, i'm glad you're my mom.

how. i am beginning to hate that word. i feel like i've written this before. i know people don't know what to say, but the pat--how are you doing? it's driving me crazy. i want to scream. we are doing fine. on the surface. we will survive. we will go on. but, it is hard. it is hard to get up and send the kids to school and go to work instead of just all being home together doing something or doing nothing. there doesn't seem to be much of a point to anything else.

it is hard to grasp that the world doesn't stop when you are grieving.