Thursday, February 24, 2011

today i fell in love...

....with my sister-in-law's mother. the hubs and i have always liked her. she is an incredible grandmother to my niece and nephew so we've always envied that. she actually PLAYS with her grandchildren! the hubs has always joked with my brother that he'd like to trade mils. well, actually he really would but, you know what i mean.

i'm going to call her pie (because she makes awesome pies and she is so damn sweet). pie had surgery last week and i thought it would be nice if i went to visit her. i finally got the chance today.

i was there for three hours. we talked about all sorts of things....the girl going to high school; my sister's upcoming move; my niece and nephew; cats; my sil's sister; our childhoods. i learned so much about her and it felt good to talk to her. i don't know if it's this pre-menopause thing i think i'm going through or what, but i got choked up a few times (and so did she).

i think i am always subconsciously looking for a parental unit. several times through the years i have been drawn to older women i work with or mom-age women...and sort of let myself be taken under their wings. the first real job i had after college brought one such woman into my life. she was actually a friend of my mom's too...but she was my boss and became a good friend. i could talk to her about anything and she was such an incredible woman. i was devastated when she died. my second to last boss was considered a ball breaker by many, but i looked up to her and felt daughterly towards her in a strange kind of way.

i have no idea where this train of thought is going....but i recognize that in life you search for the things you need, even if you don't know it. my sil is lucky to have such a mom.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

this is why i shouldn't have more babies....

.....the girl (who is one of two still getting over an infectious crud in our house right now) woke up around 3am w/ a coughing fit. i had been dead to the world since 11:30.

i got up, got her some water and cough syrup. it took all of 3.4 minutes. i laid back down (i'm not sure i opened my eyes during the 3.4 minutes except to read the dosage on the medicine cup.) the hubs (the other person getting over the infectious crud) was snoring much, much louder than normal. after 18 years i've learned to sleep with a snorer (mostly because i fall asleep before he does).

i am sure i tossed and turned for awhile (20-30 minutes)before being able to sufficiently ignore the snoring.

when the alarm went off at 6am i felt like shooting it.

this is just one example of why i shouldn't have more babies.....i cannot get up in the middle of the night for even 3.4 minutes let alone 2-3 times to feed a kid.

Monday, February 21, 2011


sometimes i am able to pull my head up long enough to get a different perspective and to realize that no matter what the circumstances, things can always get worse.

then i blink and holy hell. on the tmi front---i am almost 100% convinced i'm peri-menopausal. i had that stupid useless (at this stage in life) visit from that dumb bitch aunt flo last week and she left two days ago. apparently, flo is getting on in years, getting senile, so she came back to visit today. really? REALLY? i have one of those fun checkups in a couple of weeks and we will seriously be discussing the inevitability of aunt flo moving to a fucking retirement home.

the girl and i went to high school open house tonight. omfg. i think even if i were emotionally stable these days that would have thrown me for a loop. the school is huge. 2000 students. wtf? so many breeders out there! sheesh. despite all of the research and thoughts of magnet schools etc. she will most likely go to this school. she did get into a magnet, but it would be for two years and then she'd have to pick another school. plus transportation to any of the magnets is a pain in the ass and honestly, if we lose the house where she goes to high school will be the least of our worries.

the girl handled this open house much better than i did. the damn principal kept referring to them as the class of 2015...she said it elebenty billion times, like freshmen parents aren't freaking the hell out enough w/out her throwing it in our face than in 4 years our babies will be gone. bitch.

finding a patch of sun

....the girl's cat is lying in a patch of sun on the floor, content as can be for that gift of sunlight.

the very brief visit w/ the sil and nephews was nice. kind of weird, since this is the first visit w/out the bil around. i like his boys. the eldest, who is 15 is....6'4" tall! holy hell. really i think my jaw dropped when he walked in the door. he is ginormous.

it was frustrating because the sil seems to fly by the seat of her pants w/ plans and while we were expecting them around 1-2pm yesterday they didn't get here until after 6pm. they left this morning in search of snow in the mountains and will fly home tomorrow morning. i think the four kids enjoyed themselves. it really was a painless visit.

it did make me sad though. knowing the boys don't have their dad. and, while i have no way of knowing how my sil really felt about my bil, i can't help but be sad and compassionate for her, raising two boys on her own. my bil and i may not have always seen eye to eye but i know for sure that he loved being a dad and it is obvious his kids love him.

one of my cousins broadcasts her life story on fb. it is like watching a horrible redneck reality show on cmt or something. she is 12 yrs younger than me and it seems her second marriage is on the fritz. she's met both husbands online. she did not know either of them very long in person before they got married. she has a child from each of them.

it makes me sad to think that she might be going through yet another divorce soon and also have to deal with another horrible custody battle and/or ongoing issues w/ child visitation etc.

so....i guess the patch of sun i've found this weekend is that even if i don't find a job in the next few weeks and even if we end up losing everything we've worked for over the last 20 years, i still have the hubs and my kids still have a dad.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

searching for snow

our sil and nephews are coming here today on a visit from florida. this is the widow of my bil who died two years ago next month. the nephews (each a year older than my two kids) have been here once before w/ their dad about 4-5 yrs ago. the sil hasn't been to this house. the only other time they were all here in nc was about 11 years ago, soon after the boy was born, when we lived in the trailer. the girl was 3 yrs old at the time and she beat up her cousin (who was a year older and a foot taller). good times.

i am looking forward to seeing the boys even though we really do not know them at all. my heart hurts for them since my bil died. my sil? yeah, well, to be honest we've never really warmed up to her or gotten along w/ her. she is abrasive. she is a know-it-all. she is vague. they will be here sometime today.....not really sure what time. really?

her whole reason for this trip was for the boys to see snow. hmmmm.......does she ever watch the weather channel? here in nc this weekend (and into this coming week) we are having weather w/ highs 20 degrees above normal. it was in the 70s here this weekend. our lows are what our highs normally are. yeah, freaky.

i hope she doesn't talk about my bil. i don't know that the hubs could take that. the whole thing is just a mess. they were not getting along well at all before he died, like for years hadn't been getting along. like divorce was probably in their future not getting along. this is one of the many reasons why you do not tell all your shit to your family. but, the bil was famous for that...getting everyone in on his business. their sister does the same thing. oy vey.

i hope it is a painless visit.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011


i'm trying not to fall off the edge. i think this is why i'm so sleepy all the time. stress relief. most nights it's a miracle if i can stay up past 10pm. for about a week i think i've been playing w/ a stomach bug, but i'm beginning to think it's more anxiety than a virus. when i'm stressed i shut down. when the hubs is stressed he wants to have sex. the two do not readily mix.

we celebrated valentine's day on sunday because week nights are usually filled w/ homework and karate. it's a good thing we did. the hubs (who's been sick since last week) was working 2 1/2 hours away and didn't get home until after 8pm. both kids came home from school tired and puny; the boy felt so bad he didn't go to karate. he NEVER voluntarily misses karate. though he got up and went to school today (because it was crazy dress up day and he spent more time and thought on what he was going to wear than he has on his science project that's due later this week) i was picking him up before 10:30.

yesterday i found out the job writing about cell phones that i wasn't over-the-moon about isn't mine; they hired someone else. ah. the sense of hopelessness taints just about every moment of the day at this point. if i think too much about anything i am seconds away from a crying jag. i think my friend big t might have sensed this yesterday when we spoke because i ended up talking to her about three times.

and? this morning in my email i had two messages from my sil's mom. she of the big heart. she who is going in for surgery today sent me devotional email messages. how did she know i needed them? even me, who's not overly religious but considers myself....spiritual? appreciated the message.

things like this make me wonder if i'm missing a sign of some sort. i always think about those stories people tell about how someone keeps asking for help and needing help and wondering why nothing is happening and god is there saying well, i did this, this and this and you just didn't recognize it. of course then i start worrying why i can't see the signs and if the signs/guidance/direction have already come and gone and i missed it what the hell am i going to do? if all of that isn't enough to send a sane person looking for a nice white jacket, i wonder if i am turning into my mom after all and that scares the grilledcheezus out of me.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

sh@* that's in my head

i still find it hard to believe a facelibra page, smdsays, has been made into a tv show. i haven't watched it so am unfairly passing judgement that it is most likely terrible.

floundering this week. everything has been off. i think this is how earth must have felt when all the tectonic plates started moving around. wtf is going on and what will this end up looking like? part of it i'm sure is being a little low that texas is gone. i didn't realize how big of a deal her coming and leaving would be. another is...the clock is ticking on our future. the freelance has really slowed in i haven't had any for a couple of weeks. the unemployment will end in april and things will be dire even before then.

up until now i have held on to some sort of hope. i am talented. experienced. educated. surely i will be hired. but really? almost two years and nothing. to say my ego has been dealt a huge blow would be an understatement. i'm to the point where i am second guessing that i am even capable of writing a fucking blog let alone getting paid to write in real life.

earlier this week the girl performed in her all-county orchestra show. this was extra-curricular so it took tons more practice than she's used to. extra hours after school. the day of the performance was a full day of practice. the performance was awesome, though the hubs and boy thought it was long because they had three groups performing. it was almost 2 hours of orchestral music. afterwards she was one hot mess. as she walked up to us i could tell she was about ready to cry. she was tired, pissed off and hungry. the girl gets all kinds of sideways when she's hungry. she bitched the entire way home that night, like 30 minutes straight. omg i was ready for bed.

the boy has been invited to the circus today. he's quite excited. we've never taken our kids to the circus. i'm not a big circus person. they went years ago w/ daycare. the animal horror stories i've heard over the years prevent me from being able to muster an ounce of excitement or desire to see a circus. the mom called yesterday to invite him for today. she said they'd pick him up around 10:30 or 11 am, go to lunch and then the circus. she came early. i'd just gone to my room to throw some clothes on (hello, it is sunday morning folks). she rang the bell at 10:15am. i answer the door w/ my hair looking like holy hell, a sweatshirt and jeans on, no bra. yeah. of course she is looking all put together and nice. she and her hubs are both doctors. i don't get the impression that they are pretentious in any way and her son has been here and is very nice and polite. they bought 10 circus tickets. 5 more than they needed. they are taking 5 extra kids to the circus and lunch.

the other day when i took the boy to karate the karate master's wife was there and we chatted. she is a very nice person. she and her husband are foster parents and we've seen different kids come and go from their home. we talk about the foster program from time to time. each time they get a new kid she says this one is their last; they're in their 50s (but look to be 10 yrs younger) and have been doing this for decades. there is one boy that i think they will end up adopting in the end. he's lived w/ them off and on for years. now he is w/ a family who is thinking of adopting's a year long process. while she hopes he gets adopted, mainly because the family is white and so is the kid and she thinks he'd have a rougher time if they (a black couple) adopted him. but, it is obvious she has so much love for this boy.

the sad thing is...once kids in the system reach 18 the states wash their hands of them (unless they have a documented mental illness, then they can stay in the system until they're 21). how can anyone expect a person who's spent their life passed around from family to family to be able to function on their own at the age of 18? obviously if they've stayed in the system their whole lives something hasn't worked out. there are issues. why isn't there a group home type setting for these kids? a place that eases them into the real world? that teaches them a skill or trade, everyday things they need to know about banking and money and cooking and taking care of themselves and being productive members of society? for some reason this sticks in my craw.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

the dreaded heart day

have i told you before how very much i hate valentine's day? as much as i love chocolate, flowers and romantic comedies i cannot stand valentine's day. it makes me sick. if i see one more jewelry commercial (don't even get me started on stupid heart shaped jewelry) i will projectile vomit.

this whole holiday is a manufactured, commercial disaster waiting to happen.

i think maybe when you are dating it might be more exciting, i really can't remember back that far. i'm sure if you're single and don't want to be you hate the holiday even more than i do.

i think the dreaded day is even less appealing when you are in a slump. anyone who's been in a long-term relationship knows what i'm talking about. relationships are cyclical it seems. for no apparent reason you get in a rut and no matter how many times you've been in it and gotten out you can never remember how to get out.

a few questions:

how do you feel about having sex when you have house guests? i have issues with this. i am the only one?

what do you do that makes you think you are a good spouse? sometimes i think i put more effort into other relationships (kids, friends, family) than i do into being a spouse. while part of that is because that is probably the person i feel safest with and i know he'll love me no matter what, but i'm sure part of it is laziness too. what tips do you have for being a good spouse??

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

catching up

thursday evening my best friend from high school and her family arrived. my mind is so full of so many things i want to write about i don't even know where to begin. i'm sure this will spill over into more than one post.

all of my worries flew out the window and i feel like we connected as only grown ups can. of course we reminisced about high school some, but i think we began filling in the gaps of the last 25 years, although honestly we'd started doing that in emails anyway.

i was surprised, although i really shouldn't be, as to how much i didn't know about her life when we were friends in high school. about how strict her parents were, about the role of care giver she started wearing early on in life. i guess i always assumed that because she was so happy when we were together that she had the perfect parents/family. but then i didn't share all of my dark secrets w/ her back then either (those have come out later). she said her time with her friends was the happy time in her life then and she didn't want to taint it or infect it with all of the other things going on. even then she was so mature.

she is even more amazing than i realized. she takes care of everyone, and i mean everyone. her family, her husband's family, friends, strangers. i think she stepped in as the "mom" of her family way before her mother died, and yet she remained close with her mother and it is obvious how much she loved and still loves her.

she was incredible, incredible with my kids. i had no doubt that the boy would love her...they'd already "chatted" on facelibre and he was excited for them to come. i was worried about the girl. my introvert. texas simply would not allow the girl not to talk to her. she taught her to make enchiladas, authentic enchiladas. : ) i think i cried while they were doing it. her affectionate nature is contagious. she's a hugger. a sincere hugger.

we spent our time talking and playing some board games and cooking and talking some more. one night we (me, her and the hubs) stayed up talking and drinking margaritas until 6am! i don't remember the last time i stayed awake that long. we didn't really have enough time by ourselves, just the two of us, but i have no doubt, over the years, that will come.

i am still overwhelmed with emotion that she came. and overwhelmed with sadness that she's gone now. i can't believe how much i love her and how lucky i am to have her back in my life.