Wednesday, May 7, 2008

true confessions

it has been a loooooonnnnngggg day.

my friend broad and i had an email conversation about motherhood and our mothers (which prompted the previous post).

another thread to that is on being mothers, specifically giving birth. both of my kids were born by c-section. the first was not planned. after laboring for two days the stupid assed doctors finally did an emergency c-section and the girl was born, still w/ complications. after that wonderful experience the boy was a scheduled c-section. yes, with a different ob/gyn thank you please.

a part of my womanliness feels like a failure for not being able to do what millions of women have done and that is have a natural birth. big picture, yes, i realize this is not the most important thing in the world. it doesn't matter how they got here just that they got here, but i failed nonetheless.

before the boy was born we decided two was enough. i was 32 when he was born and realistically i didn't want to try that again, plus we couldn't afford another. so, when he was born i had a tubal ligation. my head knows this was the right thing to do but in my heart, second failure because now i can no longer have kids. (ok, technically it could be reversed but not realistically). second failure as a woman.

(did i mention it's been a loooooonnnnnnggggg hectic work day? and that i'm having some beer tonight? and that i have not had weed for like six months or better?)

anywhooo. third female/motherly type failure is that i'm not a stay a home mom. growing up i always knew i would have a career. granted, when i was in college i thought that career would be a kick ass job as an ad copywriter like darren stephens on bewitched, but then i woke up and realized that probably wasn't the life for me. instead i get paid to write in another field. not nearly as creative and more and more not nearly as fun. i always thought there was no way in fucking hell i could enjoy being a sahm. i would go crazy. i needed adult interaction (well, not in THAT way, but i like that too). however, most of the blogs i seem to be reading these days are written by sahms and i envy them.

yes i realize, really and truly i do, that it is ball breaking, nerve wracking, omg hard work. especially because the blogs i read have more than two kids and most are younger kids. i swear to god i don't know how they do it and they should all get medals. but i am jealous of them and feel like there's something wrong with me that i can't do that. financially there's just no way in hell i could. but even that aside i think i wouldn't be good at it and this makes me a failure.

so tonight, i'm going to drink another beer, jump the hubs bones (cos i'm not a failure at that) and have a good evening.


broad minded said...

sometimes i think it would be nice to stay at home, but overall that is not something i get my panties in a twist over. which seems odd i guess. oh well, no one ever said i made sense.

sorry if i put you in a bad mood yesterday.

Kristin.... said...

I've done both the work out of the home and am currently staying at home. Both have advantages and disadvantages. Right now I couldn't possibly imagine going back to work, mostly because I'd have to pay someone to let me work for them~putting 3 kids in daycare isn't even an option. Then there are days when I want OUT and back into the real world. It's a damned if you do, damned if you don't kind of thing.

creative kerfuffle said...

broad--you didn't put me in the mood, srsly. just a culmination of all these things.
kristin--the grass is always greener huh?

Kristin.... said...

Oh I'd be thrilled with a paycheck, but since I've decided not to play lawyer anymore, I would have to find something else to do. And have "mother's hours" so I can get kids off the bus. Some days, staring at the dishes/laundry/mess makes me berserk and missing my "old" life. Then other days, when the babies hug me and my boy wants to play baseball with me and my oldest doesn't hate me and I wouldn't change a thing.