Random thoughts and musings on the mundane, extraordinary and personal from the twisted mind of a sarcastic observer.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
where's my bailout?
ding dong (dogs bark furiously and then start wagging their tails as i open the door)
kind, middle aged (wait--older, i'm middle aged and he was at least 10 yrs older than me) man standing there w/ a clip board.
he: hello--do you have time to answer four questions for a brief economic survey?
me: (four questions? sure) sure
he: have you been affected by the economy?
me: laughing, uh yes, that's why i'm home during the day
he: you lost your job?
me: (he's not taking any notes, wait, who did he say was conducting this survey?) yes, uh, who is conducting this survey?
he: it's just a local, independent survey. has the new president's plan helped you?
me: uh, no, i'm middle class, i haven't seen any benefits from the package.
he: has anyone bailed you out?
me: (laughing, but still wondering who the hell this guy is) uh, no
and here's the ambush------
he: yes, you have been bailed out by jesus christ.
me: (oh holy hell, it's a jehovah's witness (no offense to any readers who might be jws but you have to admit they get a bad rap))
then he goes on quickly to tell me how jesus died for my sins and something about heaven and yada yada the bible says this (i'm smiling and thinking dammit, why doesn't the phone ring to save me???) he asks me questions about my beliefs and faith which catch me off guard and i fumble around and make up some nice platitudes to soothe him. then he asks a question i can totally answer---are you a member of a local church? ah, yes, i say, and name the church we are members of an occasionally attend. he tells me he's from xyz big local baptist church (again, no offense if your baptist) and leaves it at that.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
what's been going on?
friday i met w/ the publisher of a small (and i mean small, like he's the only full time person) local mag and it was weird. the guy is all of 25 and i'm not sure he even knew why he was talking to me. i think i could really help him out, he's ready to take it to the next level, but i don't think he has the money to afford me or is quite certain how he wants to get where he wants to go.
i pretended to be astarte one day last week at the grocery store and i kid you not, i saved nearly 50% of my bill using the store saver card, coupons and buying stuff on special. i'd half assed done coupons before but it does take time, something i didn't use to have much of, and it takes being at the store w/out the family.
the kids have been in the pool off and on since late last week--well, when it hasn't been raining. i think it's rained just about every day since last wednesday.
saturday the hubs and i worked on the yard and the kids each had a friend over and played in the pool. i felt about 100 yrs old saturday night--aches and pains of hard work. but the yard looks good again--well, now it needs mowed again after all the rain, but otherwise, it's good.
we harvested some lettuce from the garden and one strawberry : ) there are little green tomatoes and some yellow squash flowers and the cilantro is taking off. we have a bit of a slug problem though so i'm hoping they don't eat all of the fruits of our labors!
sunday we had friends over for a cookout and it was nice. rained up until everyone got here, but otherwise it went well. i'd say about 90% of us were jobless. funny how your conversations change from bitching about work to bitching about not being able to find any.
monday was the best. we finally found a hammock that didn't cost an arm and a leg. the hubs and i took turns in it while the kids were in the pool--it's still a bit too cold for my comfort level. it really was just a peaceful day. all the chores were done in preparation for the cookout the day before and we just relaxed.
i think i've caught up on all my blog reading and will finish up responding to comments tomorrow.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
pretending to be married
once i graduated college and we got back together and i moved to oklahoma and we then moved back to nc, we rented the cutest little house where we lived in sin for about a year.
the house we rented was probably built in the 1940s, i'm not sure if you'd call it a bungalow style, but it was cute. living room, two bedrooms (tiny), bath, galley kitchen/dining room and at some point a laundry room had been built on the back of the house.
it was in an older neighborhood, one that was teetering on the edge of being quaint in it's oldness and turning into a downright crime hot spot. our neighbors to the left were riding the welfare train and supplementing their income w/ something illegal--it had to be, the hubs was making coffee one morning when he saw them unloading automatic weapons from the trunk of their car. that's when he decided we needed to move. we later heard there was a shoot out there.
our neighbors to the right were the sweetest elderly couple. very devout. very nosey. i don't remember at what point we decided to pretend, for their sake, that we were married, but we never told them we were living in sin. the hubs says he didn't say anything because the old man liked mowing our yard when he mowed his, but, i think it was something else, though i'm not sure what.
one day, after a particularly loud night of sex, the hubs was out in the yard and the old man next door came outside and started chitchatting. some how the conversation turned and the neighbor was telling the hubs that sex is only used for procreation and he's quite sure the hubs understands that right? uh, yeah. that's when the hubs noticed our bedroom window--which faced the side of the neighbor's house, which was MAYBE 10-12 feet away--was open and had been all night.
so, that october when we got married we said nothing to our neighbor. for all they knew we were married already. when we came home from the honeymoon we washed the car first--erasing all the shaving cream and evidence.
Friday, May 22, 2009
i don't understand
why do companies give products to people who could buy and sell said product hundreds of times over rather than giving it to people who could never in a million years afford it?? the queen of england now has her own gold plated wii. cos i'm sure she hangs out playing mario cart or bowling all the time. where i used to work companies were always sending us press releases about how such and such celeb was using their product blah blah blah, like it was news or something. how many people are now going to be inspired to get a wii because the queen has one or are going to get xyz stroller because the latest celeb mom is pushing her kid in it? i hate stuff like that.
the world's wealthiest had a SECRET meeting on may 5, kinda like the superfriends or something. oprah, bill gates, warren buffet, ted turner and some others got together to talk about the world economy. media weren't allowed in but of course stories leaked out. each rich person got 15 minutes to talk about what they think they should do for the world. hello-----give us all a cool mill and we'll be set. think of the tax write off. if they gave everyone a mill i'd be ok w/ them not ever having to pay taxes again or something. i hope, if they do actually do something, that they REALLY do something and don't just set up a foundation to study something or other.
i can't comment on the america idol win/upset because honestly we don't watch it. one season a couple of years ago we watched it, i think it was the year fantasia won (she's a local girl but what a disappointment she turned out to be).
Thursday, May 21, 2009
the boy, penguin cup and a glimpse of me
flora and fauna
the hubs carved this in one of our trees a few years ago : )
the girl (in maroon shirt) climbing the rock wall at space camp
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
1. mowed the backyard
2. burned a ginormous pile of leaves, branches, etc.
3. cleaned up the backyard (as in took the miscellaneous stuff that needs to be hauled away and hid it on the side of the house where you can't see it--sort of like throwing stuff under the bed)
4. applied for two jobs--one i'm not even quite sure what it is because it was vague and the company wasn't listed and the other was for some marketing bull crap. sadly there was nothing exciting or very interesting to apply for today.
5. vacuumed and dusted everything in the den and put the battery in a clock that hasn't kept time in about six months.
6. started working on the dining room. when i got laid off i dumped my boxes from my pod on the table. two huge boxes and a bag and some other crap. these joined a lot of the kids crap, library books, etc. that room isn't done but i did go through all of my work stuff, trashed some things, emptied a box and put the other box in the corner (it has stuff i'll take to my next job).
7. baked a batch of cupcakes.
8. did some laundry.
9. ran to the grocery store for a few things.
10. swept the kitchen floor.
11. organized the outside of the fridge--i have more freaking magnets than any one person should.
12. and....all damn day i have not been able to get the phrase cock blocker out of my head! nice.
the mind is a terrible thing to waste
given our penchant for watching house i think i could easily diagnose lupus, or any lymphoma/cancer, etc. i could also easily discern if a patient was lying and if i ransacked their house i could quickly discover whatever it is environmentally that is making them sick.
from lost i've gathered the skills to survive in the wild and i also have a rudimentary understanding of time travel as well as how to torture people and blow things up. i could also probably start a new civilization if i had to.
from west wing i've learned how the government should be run and i'm confident that i could do it. the hubs would be my leo, twisting all the arms of congress, pulling the strings and generally running things. or, actually i could probably be a speech writer or even the press secretary.
another job opportunity would be as a u.s. marshall, keeping people safe in the witness protection program. i always liked hide and seek.
last night i learned, from the comic and hottie dane cook, what a cock blocker was. did you know? am i the last person on earth to know this term? apparently it is a guy term--it's your buddy that says something that will crash and burn any chance you have of scoring w/ the girl you are talking to. dane (sigh) has a female counterpart to this called a twat swatter. man he's clever.
if all else fails i could be a mad baker and totally take on the food network challenge, plying fondant and baking 3' tall cakes.
pphhhpttt---who needs to search the want ads?
Monday, May 18, 2009
m is for monday
after i picked the girl up from her sleepover saturday morning we went for makeovers. i've never done this. ever. you know, go to a department store and have them do your make up and skin? yeah. it was actually kind of fun. and? yeah, the girl loved it. blue mascara and eye shadow for her, moisturizer w/ spf for both of us and an eye liner and shadow for me. i have never spent money like that on cosmetics.
sunday was....happiness. first, it was chilly and rainy. i know, i'm weird. i love that kind of weather. the girl and i stayed in our pajamas all day long. it was a do nothing, relaxing day. i started reading a book, a book that's overdue at the library. the lady elizabeth--a novel about anne boleyn and henry VIII's daughter elizabeth. i.could.not.put.it.down. i finished it today. it's been a long time since i was so engrossed in a book. it felt good.
today i went to visit my friend big t. she got laid off from our office in jan. and i hadn't seen her in about 6 weeks or more. we just hung out at her house, caught up, had lunch. it was great. she has the largest butterfly bush i have ever seen in her backyard.
all in all i have to say i am happy. yes, i am still looking for and need a job, but when i look around me, i am more fortunate than a lot of people. i know some couples where both are out of jobs; friends who are dealing w/ deaths in the family; friends who are dealing w/ tough issues and most all are also going through the job loss thing at the same time. i am lucky in that, while i need to find a job, we are not destitute (yet); the hubs still has a job (albeit one he hates); my kids and the hubs are not suffering or in pain. i am content.
i read something recently, i think it was in that lady elizabeth book--i can't remember the exact phrase, but it was something like, it is good to appreciate and recognize happiness while you are in it, not just when you look back on that time longingly, only then realizing you were happy. make sense?
Thursday, May 14, 2009
good book/penguins/d is for douche canoe/snooping
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
random tuesday stuff
mother's day was very good. the kids did not get me up at the ass crack of dawn, which they tried a couple of years ago and i was a complete bitch about. so, "they" made me breakfast (i'm sure the hubs had a hand in that) and gave me my gifts, which they picked out on their own (the hubs usually steers this process or at least vetoes certain things) and i got a starbucks gift card (hells yeah) and a dvd of the other boleyn girl. the boy made me my very own gme (greatest mom ever) wrestling belt and the three of them gave me sappy cards. my perfect day. : )
saturday we went to my folks house to celebrate mother's day for my mom. oh i don't even know where to begin. i'm so over my family and their issues and history and manipulations. when my grandma died my dad and aunt came into some money. we've always known this was the plan, always knew they'd get money. i don't know exactly how much they got and i don't care, it's not like millions or anything. anyway, my parents have never, ever been good w/ money. have never planned for their futures (the plan was always to cash in on the will) and never had any financial acumen. so, regardless of exactly how much they got they'll waste it and run through it. saturday they had to make a big deal out of giving each of us kids a grand. mmm.....i know this sounds callous and ungrateful and bitchy but really? they said this was to make up for all the christmas's maw-maw didn't give us anything lately. that was shitty. but also, really? you think you can give us a grand and that makes up for the fact that you've been shitty parents? whatever. it doesn't change anything in my mind. i will not suddenly decide i want to be their best friends. we just stuck it in the kids college cd fund and were done w/ it.
i'm thinking about this adult abc book--tentatively titled d is for douche canoe. since a few of you suggested it the alphabet and dirty words have been running through my brain, so if nothing else i'll just have to share it with you. but it's not done yet. be patient my pretties.
did you know hugh laurie was in sense & sensibility? yeah, i know! he turns up every where.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
why writing is hard for me
yes, you can learn to write better, but not to write. you can hone your craft you can learn grammar and how to show symbolism with phrases and all of the technical parts of it, but the soul, the passion is something born not learned.
i have been told i'm a good writer (not for this blog obviously but in real life) but somehow that doesn't impress me or make me feel good because most everything i've written in the last 20 years has been paid for. it has been dictated, to a certain extent. it has had to follow certain rules and guidelines and topics. so, for me to break out of that and really write something is quite difficult.
i feel like i don't have any pool of knowledge from which to pull a story. whenever i start writing a "novel" it becomes too autobiographical and i could never have all of that printed for the world to read. plus, i feel like i'm trying too hard, trying to make the story come out. it's nothing for me like it is for real writers. i've read about different authors or seen interviews with them and most all of them say at some point the story has to be written and it's more like the story comes to them and they have to write it, they don't go looking for the story.
from time to time i've thought about writing a children's book, but then i don't think they like you to use the words fuck and douche canoe in children's books.
i've thought about writing trashy romance novels, but, as much as i love to read them from time to time, my passion isn't in that type of writing. : ) i just made myself smile at that one. my passion isn't in romance writing. god i'm hysterical.
i think the problem is is that i've just thought too much.
so my old co-worker called tonight. she went to an industry trade show i was supposed to go to blo (for those just tuning in that's before lay off). she told me how so many people asked about me and were sincerely upset that i wasn't there or w/ the magazine any more. i have to say...it made me feel good. she went on and on about this for about an hour and one thing keeps playing in my head. she said all the people were asking what i was doing now or where i was going, etc. she said she didn't know what to tell them. then she asked me, so, what is it you want to do?
i think that's the hard part for me. i don't know. for so long i have been this that or the other. i was a college student and then a waitress and then engaged and married and on to another job and then another and then i was a mom, and then once again. through all of that i have been a daughter and a sister.
but i don't really, truly know what i am, who i am. i know what i like to do. i know what i think i'd enjoy doing if money were no object. maybe this all happened so i could find myself again. the self that got lost and smothered by job after job. the spirit that got tangled up in a web of deadlines and selling out.
in a perfect world, well semi-perfect if i have to have a job, i wouldn't have to work for a company i didn't find heart in or didn't feel good about. i never really looked for that in a company, never really cared i guess. oh, i have felt good about companies i worked for in the past, but not for the right reasons. my second job in publishing was at omni magazine (which is now dead and gone) but i was so proud to work there. i had a lowly postion there at the start, but i thought i was hot shit. omni published stories from stephen king for god's sake! his address was in my boss's (and then my) rolodex. anyway, since then i haven't really worked for a company i felt proud of. if i have to have a job, i'd like that luxury this time around.
the practical side of me says i should reach out to all of these people in the industry who've asked about me, just to let them know if they want to hire me to write something for them i'm available. the pollyanna side says i don't need to. hmmmm, wonder who will win.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
mahjong and blogging, coughing and sex
blogging--i am contemplating starting another blog under my real name, though i'm not quite sure what i would use it for. basically i was just going to throw my resume up there and link to stuff i've done, etc (except this of course, because this little beauty is reserved for you eyes only!). i've seen other freelance writers do this, i'm just not sure about it yet. any thoughts? suggestions???
coughing--i think i'm going to have to slather down w/ vicks (if you are looking for ancient hispanic remedies like vicks and honey check out bea's place) because i cannot quit coughing. i know it is allergies. the pollen is so damn thick, even though it's been raining (which i love) most of the day.
sex--i think women who stay at home or work from home have been keeping a secret from the rest of the world. when you are home during the day (like when the kids are at school) do you know how much more often you are likely to have sex? i asked the hubs today if he always came home this much when i was at work and he said no. he's fortunate in that he has a job that he's not tied to an office so as long as he's in reach of his cell phone he's working. if that happens to be while he is otherwise occupied, then so be it.
becoming a woman
she was home sick w/ allergies and around mid-morning she nonchalantly came to me and said, "i just started my period."
she'd been reading up on it, studying all of the changes, taking stock weekly and telling me specifically how her body was changing. i knew it was just a matter of time, but, wow. i can't believe it. there's no turning back.
she isn't freaked out or anything and even though she's incredibly smart and understands what's going on and why, some of her thoughts/questions amused me.
first--uh, it feels like i'm wearing a diaper. (my answer: we'll get you something smaller. in my head--because srsly they should make youth sized pads right? they don't. i should invent them.)
second--do i have to change this EVERY time i got to the bathroom? (because she'd go to the bathroom like every 20 minutes just to check) (my answer: no, just when it's...you know...full)
third--does this go on all day? (she asked me this last night, like her period only works 9-5 or something) (my answer: uh, yes. all day and night for 3-5 days, depending on the person. in my head: or 4-5 days, stop for a day, start again for a day or two like me. nice, tmi? yeah, i'm hoping it's early menopause.)
fourth--what about swimming? and jumping on the trampoline? (my answer: trampoline, no problem. swimming, yeah, you can't wear a pad and swim and i'm not sure i'm ready for you to wear a tampon just yet. her response: i don't want to wear a tampon. i don't even know how you'd get that in there. and then it's stuck! how do you get it out? me: they have strings. her: what if the string breaks? me: they're strong strings.)
she was grateful she wasn't at school when it happened, and frankly, so am i. i do think she would have freaked under those circumstances.
The recipient of this award is recognized for the following: (and really, i have no idea how my blog fits in to any of these categories!)
1) The Blogger manifests exemplary attitude, respecting the nuances that pervades amongst different cultures and beliefs.
2) The Blog contents inspire; strives to encourage, and offers solutions.
3) There is a clear purpose at the Blog; one that fosters a better understanding on Social, Political, Economic, the Arts, Culture, Sciences, and Beliefs.
4) The Blog is refreshing and creative.
5) The Blogger promotes friendship and positive thinking.
Here are the rules:
The Blogger who receives this award will need to perform the following steps:
1) Create a Post with a mention and link to the person who presented the Noblesse Oblige Award.---done
2) The Award Conditions must be displayed at the Post.---done
3) Write a short article about what the Blog has thus far achieved – preferably citing one or more older posts to support.
4) The Blogger must present the Noblesse Oblige Award in concurrence with the Award conditions.
5) Blogger must display the Award at any location at the Blog.
noblesse oblige means--the moral obligation of those of high birth, powerful social position, etc., to act with honor, kindliness, generosity, etc.
as for #3, i don't know what my blog has thus far achieved, other than being a place where i try to clear my head and connect w/ people i've come to consider friends.
as for who i'm passing this award along to....let me see.
drollgirl works for an art gallery in LA and i am always inspired and amazed by her picture-filled posts. some are about art, others are about pop culture...i always find something i like at her place. this post is about rock n' roll action figures and my only disappointment was that there wasn't a rod stewart one : ) this post is about the big book of legs, but there's also a link to the big book of penises and who doesn't want to see that???
gal friday lives in rhode island and shares the most beautiful pictures of her town. she's creative and artistic and seems like such a down to earth person, someone i'd love to be neighbors with. she takes walks w/ her dog jewel and shares her findings, like in this recent post or talks about libraries she's loved.
if it's politics (left that is) you're looking for, my friend broad is right up your alley. i especially liked this recent post on who's worth more and, even though i am not a political kind of person and don't agree w/ every single thing broad says, i love her writing, her snarkiness and the fact that she's one of my very best friends.
and finally, astarte at the muddled sage deserves this for the social, economic and beliefs part of this award because she truly is one of the most caring, kind, giving bloggers i know. she is a wonder woman who makes me tired just reading her posts. she can flat out save money at the grocery store, has an awesome book review blog and i just like her : )