Wednesday, April 28, 2010
i have been ruminating about my relationships. my trifecta (hubs-boy-girl) could not be better. at least i don't think it could. we talk. we laugh. and aside from the fact that when i take a vicky in the evening because my shoulder is killing me and fall asleep i think i'm doing good on the wife/mom front. btw--the vickies are a temp thing. i'm not turning into rush limbaugh. although....he did have his own radio show.
but...i'm on the outs w/ my parents. i say we're divorced. i think it sounds cool. i divorced my parents.
being a recluse has put me on the outer rim of my friendships. i KNOW i need to get out of the house and i need to reach out and call people and make lunch plans, etc. but, what do i have to say? i am not working, i am not in the middle of a creative project, i do not have any freelance jobs...i have my family. and my gardening and yard work. and my frustrating job hunt. and my obsessive stalking of the mama bird and her babies. and i'm jealous of my friends. there, i've said it. some of my friends who also got laid off have gone back to work or are getting ready to go back to work. some have landed freelance jobs while i keep beating my head against the wall for nothing. they are taking trips and starting their new adventure and i am not.
it is not the specific trip or the specific adventure that i'm jealous over because honest to god i am happy doing what i'm doing. being a mom. being a homemaker. being home. i'd just like to be bringing in a big salary to do so. it's not even really the fact that i feel like an outsider among them because i have always known that i am not a good friend and that if i'm not willing to put forth the effort i can't really bitch about it. it is more that i'm ready for something to happen, to move forward...and so far nothing.
i have countless resumes out there. i have contacted everybody and their brother (weird saying huh?) about freelancing. mostly i hear nothing. sometimes i get a reject letter. sometimes i get, we're not moving forward w/ this for a few more weeks yet. there is one job in particular that i'm hoping for. it is in my little town, working for a non-profit. i have no non-profit experience but this job (and the fact that it's a non-profit) really, really appeals to me. i am trying not to get my hopes up (this is one of the ones that said it will be weeks before they start interviewing) because i have felt excited like this before and been let down.
i mentioned to the hubs that lady gaga is coming to our state in the fall and i think it would be cool for the four of us to go. the kids love her. he loves her. i love her. it would be their first concert. i said something about it and how we should think about getting tickets in the next few weeks. he said he'd hate to get tickets not knowing if we'd still be living here then.
what do i say to that?
through all of this i have always had hope. i still do. i have hope that i will find a job before it gets to the point that we need to sell the house and start looking at moving. is what i'm feeling REALLY hope and my gut instinct telling me it will work out or is is my inability to face facts and take the rose colored glasses off?
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
have a seat, i feel like being snarky.
i've been blogging for five years. i have never achieved big blog status, i.e. lots of followers, lots of commenters, etc., which is good since i say a lot of really private stuff here. earlier on i had different commenters, different blog friends and then for different reasons i quit reading some here and there, they quit reading me, we drifted a part. from time to time i see their comments on other blogs i read and i sometimes pop in to see what those blogs i no longer read are like.
some are sell out blogs. do you know what i mean? like they gave up their heart to write shiny happy mom stuff ala other big famous blogs. are you catching my drift? yes, judgemental of me. it's their blog, their life, etc. i just feel like it's selling out. can things really be that good all the time? i am suspicious of people who are always happy or always upbeat. it's like couples who say they never argue. really? i had a friend who used to say that. guess what? she's divorced.
i'm not saying i won't start a blog (because of been tossing this around in my brain for a while now) where i'm not anon and where i do write shiny happy things and i do try to make money from it, but i think that's different than starting a blog and changing it into that and not being yourself. plus--they're all the same. it's always the same stuff. maybe their location or number of kids is different, but otherwise, it's vanilla.
also--what's up w/ people taking their blogs private? people who you might have read and even shared comments w/ and/or emails w/ and then they take their blog private and don't ask you to come along? hmmm. was it something i said? i shower. i use deodorant. wtf?
and facebook. sweet baby jesus facebook makes me shake my head sometimes. not in the way my sil and hubs shake their heads (over my mom's comments that i cannot see) but in the way people try to be all super spy secret agent w/ their status updates. really? if it's a fucking secret then don't put it on facebook dork. if you don't want people to ask you questions about your post then don't post it dork.
and why do people friend you and then never comment on your stuff, never send you a message, etc? i don't get that. i have a few friends like that, some from high school, some from college. they friended me and then never, ever say a word to me. weird. and THEN i have there are the friends i have who i assume are still my friends who never comment or say anything to me. i comment on their stuff. i write on their walls. and nothing. i shouldn't care really. since losing my job i've really turned into quite the hermit. though hermit is an ugly word. i am a homebody. i like being at home (and i don't have a ton of disposable income).
ok, i'm starting to sound like a whiny bitch but really i'm not. i am just sharing some observations. i'm really quite content with life right now. granted, getting a job would be good. well, having an income would be good, i don't really relish the idea of starting another career.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
we watched the lovely bones friday night. i read the book a few years ago and though it was a distressing story, it was a good read. the movie was....horrible. simply horrible. although stanley tucci was very good. actually, all of the actors were good but the movie...it sucked. blech.
i do not understand why i am always amazed at how good i feel after sex. omg. seriously. i understand that it's the release of endorphins that spike that happy meter up to a bazillion and you feel like you could shoot stars out of your finger tips and linger in a bowl of chocolate but it really, really does make me feel better.
the hubs got me a rod cd for easter. granted, i have several rod cds and cassettes, but this one has just about every one of my favorite songs on it from every decade. i blasted that up loud while cooking dinner tonight and sang along with rod. picture it....me, standing in my kitchen using an empty paper towel roll as a microphone belting out you're in my heart, you're in my soul.
we are lucky in that we have several parks in our town. as our kids have gotten older we have moved around from park to park. when they were toddlers we went to one park. it's in the center of town, smallish, big field, swings, a merry go round and a jungle gym w/ slide. perfect for wee little ones. when they out grew that one we migrated to one closer to our house. there are woods w/ a creek running through it, paths to walk on and some playground equipment. there are also tennis/basketball courts and a skateboarding area and a dog park. we still go there some, but they rarely play on the equipment any more. today we explored another park, one we've only been to once before. it has some playground equipment, but it's biggest draw is a lake. you can fish. you can rent row boats or paddle boats. you can picnic. there are hiking trails. today we ventured out on the lake in paddle boats. you know what? it was the hubs' first time in a paddle boat! i've known this man for decades and did not realize he's never been in a paddle boat.
the mama bird's eggs hatched last weekend and now we have been watching her and the daddy bird gathering food and feeding those little babies all day long. they spend a lot of time flying away looking for food and then back. one leaves the nest and the other brings back food. then he's off and she's back with food. you can see the babies beaks open wide, waiting for food. it's so amazing.
yesterday the girl and i babysat my baby niece. she blows me away. i think the reason i have such a soft spot in my heart for her is not only because of all my nieces/nephews, she's the one that i've been close to from day one but also because i look at her and am transported back in time 11 years to when the girl was two. though they don't really look alike, the blonde pig tails and sassy attitude are the same. hearing her giggle and squeal makes me happy. hearing her call me ceesa melts my heart. and even when she gets mad, and tells you she's mad...it cracks me up.
the hubs and i have been watching west wing again. we are on season three. we have probably watched this series (all seven seasons) half a dozen times or more and yet i still love it. about once a year we watch it all the way through, a couple episodes a night after the kids go to bed. i still laugh, i still cry. the writing is brilliant. the acting...superb. i know it's fiction but it makes me want politics to be like it is on the show. it makes me feel good. is there any tv series you've felt so strongly about?
Friday, April 23, 2010
this camera makes me happy in that it allows me to capture moments of our lives and hoard them away for future enjoyment. i love chronicling the progress of the things we plant in our yard, the different trips or outings we go on, the ways my kids change with each year. i'd be lost without a camera.
no, i do not like bugs, but i took this picture last summer when we went camping with my brother and sister-in-law and gameboy (my nephew). i like camping and i like camping with them.
i like this man's hands (the hubs) and what he can do with them : ) aside from the obvious sexual pleasures he so wonderfully bestows, these hands are great bakers, karate belt tyers, homework helpers, gardeners, caressers, petters and more.
this little bossy butt here (my baby niece) makes my heart sing. her gestures, her attitude. i love all of my nieces and nephews dearly, but this little girl kills me.
a few of you have asked how it's going or what's going on w/ that. nothing. since the easter email--the one where my mom said everything they'd done was unintentional and everything i'd done was hateful and malicious (a phrase that is forever burned in my grey matter)--there has been nothing.
the hubs is worried about me, worried about how i'm coping. i can honestly say i do not sit here day after day worrying or crying over the loss of this relationship. i would be lying if i said it didn't bother me. of course it does, they are my parents. we are programmed from birth to want/need our parents' love and acceptance and i think that anyone who grows up not getting that unconditionally goes through life craving it, no matter how much they don't want to or try not to. you just can't turn it off.
there is also a part of me that just stands back, incredulous that my parents are the way they are, even though i really should not be. i think it is because i am a parent that i can't begin to comprehend how my mother and father can behave the way they do. i will probably always wonder that.
i also question how this will affect the kids. the girl has asked several times if this is her fault. the hubs and i, both together and individually, have made it crystal clear that this is in no way her fault and have stressed to both kids that regardless of what is going on their grandparents still love them. because i can only assume they actually do. part of me feels guilty for taking that relationship away from my kids, but in reality it is not like they are missing anything. it isn't like there was any regular contact.
i don't know what the future of this relationship will be, mainly because i can't think of anything either of them could say or do at this point that would change the way i feel about them. i still love them, i can't turn that off. i do feel a sense of relief that they aren't part of our lives any more.
it's quite a twist though, me being the kid on the outside. for all these years it has seemed (at least to me) that i was the dependable one. not in the sense that my bro or sis weren't dependable, but in the sense that my sister has had issues off and on for years and has been the "bad" kid and my brother has always been the outspoken one, the one that has told my parents point blank what he thinks and feels about them. and now--i'm on the outside looking in and i find that curious.
the hubs is waiting for the other shoe to fall. his last "directive" to them (after that easter email) was that any further communication would come through him. he's wondering if my mom is just waiting for me to crack and come rushing back to her or if she's truly done. the next family type event will be my other niece's bday around the end of june (and my sister's bday). there will most likely be a bday party and my parents will certainly be at that one, even though they were conveniently out of town for my baby niece's party last weekend. i don't count mother's day as a family thing because honestly for the last several years mother and father's days and their birthdays have been hard to swallow. shower me w/ love and adoration and the respect i deserve? hard to do when you don't feel that way.
and, even though i'm not religious, i have been thinking about the fact that i'm breaking a commandment--honor thy father and mother--and wondering why there isn't a commandment about how to treat your children? (aside from the biblical directive to spare the rod, spoil the child). as i said, i'm not religious so i am sure there are numerous ways in which the bible talks about the relationship between a parent and child, but just from the little i know it seems to be--parents, spank your kids when they get out of line and kids, respect and honor your parents, no matter what. seems a bit one sided if you ask me.
Monday, April 19, 2010
we were there looking for a v.c. andrews book. remember her? did you read the flowers in the attic books way back when? well, the girl has started reading them. we got her a volume last week that had the first two of the series in one book. she breezed through those and longed for the next in the series. our local library didn't have it and the paperback store didn't either. we eventually found it at another close library and she's already finished that one and on to the next.
while visiting the paperback store i found a stephen king treasure---the colorado kid, a hard case crime novella published in 2005. i pride myself on knowing all of his works even if i've only just recently read some of his more recent books. this is something i'd NEVER seen. i haven't read it yet, as i was in the middle of another book when i bought it, but i expect it's quite a departure from anything he's ever done. as i was talking to the shop owner about my excitement over this find, she told me about joe hill, another great author.....who is king's son! omg. i knew he had kids, a girl and boy i thought (well, they're adults now). and i knew his wife tabitha has written a few books. but, apparently, king's son is QUITE the author on his own, an award-winning author and he writes under a pen-name so as not to ride on daddy's coat tails. how incredibly cool is that? so i picked up one of his books at the library, 20th century ghost stories. no where on the book does it mention that his dad is stephen king. not on the dust jacket (there's actually little if any personal info about him on the book), not in the forward. i respect that and it made me want to read his work even more. so, this is a book of short stories. i've read several and they're good. they're stephen king good. i'm trying not to compare the two, but of course i can't help it.
i don't know about you, but short stories often frustrate me. i get so engrossed in the tale and then bam, it's finished. how do you feel about short stories? it's not that they aren't well written, quite the contrary. i'm really into the story and then it's over. i've felt that way when reading king's short stories too.
so, back to v.c. andrews. when i read the series there were only four books, now there are five and ms andrews is quite the prolific author. holy crap i can't even count the number of titles she's published. i will probably go back and reread that series, only because the girl keeps talking about it and i read it...oh, i don't know about 25 years ago? and don't remember the details. i was probably around the same age as the girl, 13, when i read them.
our kids read and watch things other kids their age probably aren't allowed to. i like to think it is because we are so open minded, and in part it is. i read anything and everything when i was younger---remember endless love? i read that book long before i ever saw the movie and it was quite erotic. whenever i think about people censoring what kids read i remember my grandma telling me how she had to get a note from her mom so the town librarian would let her check out pearl s. buck's the good earth when she was in middle or high school. when my kids read or watch things they ask questions, always asking questions. sometimes i might not always enjoy having to answer some of those questions or i might cringe a little inside that they now know the things they know, but at least we're talking about it.
Friday, April 16, 2010
she came home from school w/ a twinkle in her eye, bounced on the couch and asked, "can i go on a date to the movies tonight?"
ah....the little boy (and i mean that literally because he's shorter than her) the girl has "dated" twice before (in 5th grade and briefly in 6th) texted her on the bus and said he liked her and could they "date" again. she texted back yes and then he asked her to the movies. i told her we'd have to talk to dad about it.
then she burst into tears and said she didn't want to go on her first date the very day they started dating. hold the phone--mom radar went up. something else is going on here. this having a boyfriend thing is something she's been pining for for...well, all year i guess.
we went outside to have a chat on the patio. she broke down in tears. at school today one of her teachers talked about something that happened in our community this week. a 15-year-old girl committed suicide because two boys had been bullying her, teasing her about being fat. the girl said it reminded her of the kids teasing her in 5th grade (not for her weight but anything and everything else). we talked about bullying and how it made her feel. we talked about how sad the girl's parents must feel, and how the boys' parents must feel and how there is nothing, NOTHING anyone can say to you that is worth killing yourself over.
then the girl skipped out into the yard to collect a handful of helicopters. she brought them back and proceeded to peel the outer shell off of them and tell me how one of her "friends" hurt her feelings today. this is the same girl that turned into the bitch after becoming a cheerleader this year. we've talked about this girl repeatedly. i honestly think the girl is lashing out because of the way her mom talks to her. i think the girl feels bad about herself and the only way to feel better is to put other people down. (god i know grown ups like that too). i explained all of this to the girl. i explained that she needs to stand up for herself and tell the girl that she's being hurtful. i think i should also tell her to tell that girl to fuck off.
back to the yard, she gathered more helicopters. do you think we can plant them and grow a tree? she asked. we could try, but we couldn't plant the tree because we have enough in the yard now.
back to the boy issue. why don't you want to go to the movies tonight? because i thought having a "boyfriend" would make me feel different, but it really doesn't. i don't feel all lovey dovey about him the way my friends talk about their boyfriends. mmmm...well, we've talked about this before too. the IDEA of having a boyfriend or saying you have one is a status thing and i think some of the kids are "dating" just to say they're dating. it's what they do. she said she didn't want to be that way.
she texted the boy back and told him she wanted them to be friends, not boyfriend/girlfriend, because in the past when they did "date" and then broke up they didn't talk to each other for the rest of the year. i told her i thought that was pretty mature. she shrugged her shoulders, like, yeah, no biggie, and then went back to playing w/ the helicopters.
sometimes i am terrified i'm giving her bad advice or that whatever i say isn't much help. i don't remember getting advice from my mom, i don't ever remember feeling like she helped me through difficult times. i think the hubs and i are better than many when it comes to communicating w/ our kids. they know they can talk to us about anything, at least i think they do. they certainly ask us a lot of questions, things i never would have talked to my parents about. i just hope and pray that whatever we're doing it's enough and it's working and i never have to know how the parents of that poor 15-year-old girl feel.
oh lord help us. those of you hipper than me will surely think this is old news, but looks like the trend now is to bedazzle your who-ha. yep, rhinestones on your lady bits. well, not ON your lady bits, but slightly above your lady bits. your completely bare lady bits.
here's a story about it and here's a picture.
really? have we become so bored with the vajajay that we need to strip it down and then rhinestone it up? has it lost its power? its attraction? wow.
of course i think this is completely retarded, but to each his or her own. it's just one more reason i can't stand jlh. really. she has to be one of the worst actors ever and once she starts to age and those boobs sag i doubt she'll get much work.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Sunday, April 11, 2010
get away from my nest!
the gate to our backyard is just to the left of this and she "yells" at us every time we go through it. granted, she picked the perch (not the best place for a nest mind you), but we try not to disturb her too much. i took a quick peek and there are lovely blue robin's eggs inside--i don't know how many.
the other night we had a hellacious storm, wind, lightening, torrential rain. i was worried she'd leave and the nest would be blown away, eggs ruined. but, she persevered. she sat on the nest all night (i peeked outside to see if she was still there). she's a tough cookie.
we've always had a bird's nest, another robin, on our front porch. we have a ranch house w/ columns out front and we never use our front door, we always come in through the garage. so the front porch really is a great nesting place. atop every column there is a nest, but i think all but one are decoys. when we had the house sided a couple of years ago the hubs asked about cleaning them down, but i didn't want to. i like having the nests around.
i love looking out each morning to see if the mama's on the nest or if she's off eating or something. i can't wait to hear the babies chirping. i have no idea how long it takes for robin's eggs to hatch, but she's been on the nest for a week now.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
this is my life since my last post.
girls' beach trip.
since the girl missed her class trip thanks to mono, she and i went to the beach for a couple of days instead. we have never been on a mother/daughter excursion like that and i loved it! omg. even though at the time i had a allergy/cold/sinus thing and a shoulder thing (more on that later) and i felt a little guilty because we got to do so many fun things, we really had a great time. she blasted lady ga ga in the car all the way there and back. just one cd. (i turned the radio on when she was asleep cos you can only hear ra ra oh la la ra ra ga ga so many times before you want to poke someone in the face w/ a fork). she laughs at me because i can sing the fast-paced chorus of starstruck. we have taken to punching each other at every vw we see on the road (thank you commercial).
normally when we go to the beach as a family we try to be thrifty. not that we don't have fun and spend money, but it was different when it was just the two of us.
we visited the aquarium and i indulged her shopaholic tendencies by venturing in to almost every waves/eagles/paradise beach souvenir shop down king's hwy. we were hunting bracelets. 99 cent jute/bead bracelets like the ones we hunted for last summer. we found them. and i got the business card so i can avoid visiting each of those stores the next time we're at the beach. we walked on the beach, shell hunted, she waded in the water (though two weeks ago it was still too cold to swim in). we swam (in the hotel's heated pools) and hot tubbed. ate salt water taffy in bed and watched animal planet. it was just such a sweet time for me. this is one of my fave pics of the whole trip:
strep throat and arthritis
last week the kids had spring break. we went to the zoo w/ my bro/sil (and her parents and niece) and gameboy and puddin (aka bossy butt). it was a blast and the kids had a great time. they all came over (along w/ my sis and her family) and we dyed easter eggs and had a little egg hunt. over the weekend the girl, who was mono free by this point) got a sore throat and fever. yesterday i took her to the doc--strep. thank you germs.
yesterday i also went to the dr because of the above mentioned shoulder issue. for the last three weeks i have felt like someone has been tearing my neck, shoulder, arm apart. heat helps. i've been eating ibuprofen (not helping) and sleeping or sitting have been quite uncomfortable. i got xrays. the dr gave me prednisone for swelling (still nothing for the pain). today the dr left a message that i have a spastic nerve and arthritis. call if it gets worse. really? you tell someone they fucking have arthritis on an answering machine? no doubt i'll be calling them tomorrow.
when the boy got home from school today he went out to ride his bike. helmet? check. cell phone? check. ok, have fun. last summer was the first time we let them ride their bikes around our neighborhood. before they had to stay on our road. i got a phone call. the boy had wrecked his bike into a parked car at the end of a cul-de-sac (i like saying that word, cul-de-sac). a neighbor called. the girl and i hopped in the car and drove around the corner. we got him in the car, she rode the bike home and i called the hubs and he met us at the dr's office. then xrays. then ER for a cast. he had a broken arm. cracked wrist (growth plate) and is a hard splint for a week until the swelling goes down. then to an ortho to see if we're looking at a solid cast or what. the boy's main worry is he's going to get off his track in karate. he's set personal goals for himself and he's worried about falling behind. that kid has the highest pain threshold i've ever seen in a kid. he blows my mind. before he went to bed tonight he said, i feel like life just gave me the finger today. nice. yeah, my 10 year old said that.
the easter break up
after everything i've been through w/ my parents over the last three weeks, my mom finally decided to respond to my email on easter sunday. in a nutshell she said that anything she or my dad had ever done had been unintentional and that everything i had done had been with hate and malice. she said every couple of months i come up w/ something else to be mad about and get pissed at them. she said as much as i've hurt her she still loves me because a parent's love is unconditional. happy fucking easter kid. once again when i expected my parents to be parents, be adults, take responsibility they fell back on, poor us, we never mean to be bad and shame on you for being such a douche kid. needless to say that was the final straw for me. the hubs fired off an email that was honest, not too hateful and basically told her any future/further communication of any kind would come through him. oh, and.....we're DONE.
tonight's post has been brought to you in part by mary jane, as after the shitstorm of stuff we've been going through over the last two months and the fact that the drug test i was thinking i might have to take as part of an employment process does not seem to be coming to fruition, i think i deserve it.