Wednesday, May 26, 2010

things you probably like that i don't

i totally janked this idea from bea.

i have never been in the know. i have never been a trend setter, style leader or whatever. i'm always the last to know things. i don't always get what other people get.

american idol--i tried to watch it one year and while i liked simon's snarkiness and laughed out loud in the beginning of the season when the real crazies were on display, i generally never have bought into the hype. i don't care. a few of the idols have hailed from my neck of the woods, and yet i still could care less.

24--never watched it.

tofu--omg. i have tried this crap and please, shoot me because it it so nasty.

texting--maybe i'm too old. i just don't get it. the only texting i do is w/ the girl and that isn't that much. it's a phone. call me or send me a damn email. i don't text.

summer--i have several problems w/ summer. first of all, days over 85 degrees make me want to vomit. i don't like heat, i don't like sweating. i think growing up conditions you to look forward to summer (school's out) and then when you grow up and get a job (which i wish i had right now) summer is just another season. nothing to look forward too. hot steering wheels, sweat and heat. blech.

wine--i've tried. i really have. the hubs has a wine collection. not because of the wine but because of the bottles. yeah, i know, it's bizarre. neither of us drink wine. i like to think if someone taught me how to appreciate wines i could, but generally, i just don't like it.

the dancing shows--i have never seen one and i don't want to. what? it's people dancing around. blech. if i want to watch dancing i'll pop in the sound of music or flip over to amc and catch an old movie w/ singing and dancing. that, i like. otherwise, not so much.

ketchup on eggs---that's just nasty.

going barefoot--i know, this is weird. i don't like walking around barefoot. in the house i either wear slippers or flip flops. outside, always shoes. if i'm sitting in some nice grass i do like to take my shoes off and run my feet through the grass, but i don't want to walk around barefoot.

tea in a can or bottle--again, that's just nasty. i make a pitcher of sweet tea just about every other day and i'm the only one in my house that drinks it.

flowery things--odd, since i LOVE growing flowers, picking flowers, getting flowers. but, flower prints make me want to hurl. i don't like flowery bedspreads or curtains or wall paper, clothing or furniture or anything like that. i do like art w/ flowers, but not the rest.

what things do you dislike?

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

don't worry, be happy

well, at least that is what i am trying, desperately to do.

this will be a flighty post because i am antsy.....wanting to do something but not sure what and right now that does not include house work.

the girl is making the sil's yummy taco dip.

i just got out of the shower. why did i wait until mid afternoon to shower i have no earthly idea. i always feel better after a shower.

the hubs' car is in fact kaput. well, we could invest (probably) several thousand dollars in its repair but it just isn't worth it. my sister graciously lent us one of her three vehicles for awhile, until we find something to replace the hubs' car. he is searching for something reliable, yet cheap. we don't want another car payment.

the boy and his girlfriend have exchanged pieces of flair on facelibre that say i love you. oy vey. i anticipate that this could possibly last through the summer. she starts middle school in the fall and probably will not think it cool to have a boyfriend a grade behind her. granted they don't see each other in school, only in karate class, but still.

today the boy tests for his high purple belt in karate. it has become such a part of our lives i sometimes fail to look at what he's accomplished. he just started taking classes in sept/oct and his passion for it hasn't waned. most of the time he takes a class 6 days a week, sometimes two a day. he is committed.

we got the 401k check yesterday and it is so very tempting to just say fuck it all and blow some of it on an elaborate disney vacation for the kids, but the responsible adult knows that that vacay could be the difference in a house payment or two. sometimes, a lot of the time, being a grown up sucks ass. instead, that money will go to get some sort of vehicle and then it will take up residence in the savings account to be doled out as sparingly as possible in the hopes that way before it runs out i will have a job. if not---anyone mind house guests for a little while? : )

Friday, May 21, 2010

it's going around

i think it's pretty normal for blog posts to fall off when the weather gets nicer. you can get out and do things rather than sit in front of a computer.

however, i've noticed that many of my blog friends are going through stressful times. many different reasons, but stressful all the same.

my own life is a roller coaster of stress. being unemployed for just over a year is a kick in the pants. i am sick of people telling me, oh i'd LOVE to be unemployed and have all of that free time to do projects or spend time w/ the kids. enjoy it while you can. really? could you enjoy yourself while simultaneously worrying about money and the future?

yesterday the hubs played our last card. the final safety net was put in place (cashing in a 401k). after that money is gone, we are screwed. big time. yesterday his car died. well, it might have died. my sister's husband is coming to look at it tomorrow, but it doesn't sound good. it sounds like an expensive (like thousands of dollars) fix. this on a car w/ bad brakes, no air and elebenty billion miles on it.

we had decided to do the 401k thing at the end of may if i didn't have a job by then. i know that's a mere week away, but the car forced our hand and that hand slapped us squarely in the face. when i got laid off last year i got severance, which we banked and have been using to supplement my unemployment. we've been (mostly) thrifty, but not bare-knuckle thrifty, if you know what i mean. we still have cable and the boy takes karate and we signed the girl up for soccer and we go out to eat once in awhile. we have made purchases in the last year, but still, we've cut back. i am still collecting unemployment, at least for another month or more, but the severance is gone (actually i think what's in savings now is our tax return). thus the 401k.

the idea that we might have to move has always been in the back of our minds, probably further back in mine than in the hubs. while i am concerned about the future (putting the kids through college) he is absolutely consumed by it. as a kid who's (or whose?) parents had no plan at all for their college education, i'm not nail-bitingly worried about my kids going to college. we will cross that bridge when we come to it. they might have to get student loans. they might have to work. they might get scholarships. so many variables and right now, while we're seriously thinking about uprooting our family and moving to another state, college tuition isn't in my top five of things to worry about today.

the idea of moving in and of itself does not bother me. i have to admit a small part of me finds it exciting. however, it is the not knowing where to move or even how moving could make things better (although the idea is to move to where there are jobs). and, it's not like our house would sell in a month. we have been in that position before--two house payments--and frankly it is not a place i'd like to revisit ever again. talk about fucking stressful.

in a perfect world the job that i haven't even been called in for an interview yet would hire me and the 2-3 freelance opportunities would come through and all of this worry and uncertainty would be over.

i asked the hubs if he thought in 5-10 years we'd look back on this time and laugh (as we've done when we look back on times we THOUGHT were difficult) and he said, uh, no. we've paid our dues and this shit isn't funny anymore.

yeah. i know.

i honestly do not know what is preventing me from making myself an alcoholic drink right this minute, other that the fact that i really and truly hate throwing up.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

thrown off

this morning we have been thrown off course. the boy, whom (or who?) i normally wake at 7am, woke up on his own at about 6:10 am. this put a little ripple in the morning. noise.

when the girl started sixth grade she moved into middle school and for the first time my kids were on different schedules. the benefit to this? less noise/fighting.

typically, though we get up at 6am, the girl and i are quiet in the morning. she gets dressed (and i have no doubt that this is more stress-free because they have SMOD [standard mode of dress] and makes her cereal or pop tarts (she doesn't really like eggs) and gets on the computer. i make coffee and get on the computer. we say a few words, but basically both of us are still waking up. we talk more when we're in the driveway waiting on her bus.

normally after i put the girl on the bus i wake the boy (9 times out of 10 he raises his hand and shows five fingers indicating he wants five more minutes please). around 7:05-7:10 i wake him up. he needs a bit more prodding in the morning, more reminding about what his next step is. get dressed (no, you don't need a flannel shirt in the summer; yes, if you have PE today flip flops aren't a good choice), eat breakfast, put your shoes on, brush your your book bag ready? did you use toothpaste when you brushed your teeth? then i drive him to school around 10 till 8 because we aren't really with it enough for him to catch the 7:20-7:30 bus.

our car ride to school is the opposite of the car ride it used to be when i was taking both kids to the elementary school. then there was arguing over the radio station, fighting, loud voices, etc. now, w/ just me and the boy in the car we don't argue over the music (he often asks for his maroon 5 cd or my van morrison moondance cd). some days we quietly listen to the radio, some days there's chatter, but there is no arguing.

this morning they were up at the same time, being loud, goofing around. they weren't being bad, but it was out of the norm.

Friday, May 14, 2010

the dump

so far this is turning into a shitty day. i know it is only 6:40 in the fucking morning, perhaps that is why is it going to be a shitty day. i am really, really tired of getting up at 6 am every fucking week day. seriously. i hate it.

i am feeling cantankerous and bitchy. the only reason i have is because i am a woman and sometimes, during certain times, you just want to rip people's heads off, eat their brains (what little they have) and then toss their bloody guts into a raging fire. all for no real reason other are a woman and it is that time.

so i'm at physical therapy yesterday morning and explained that while overall my pain has started dwindling, the night before it was killing me for no apparent reason. i did nothing different. kept up w/ my stretching exercises etc. the pt asked me about my cycle--and we ain't talking motor. ah....why yes, the pain up shot does coincide with the commencement of that now useless business that i must endure on a regular basis. the pt shook her head, that might be the cause of your pain flux....hormonal. are you fucking kidding me? nope. nice. thanks.

and you know what else? i am irritable. when i am like this things that do not normally bother me now tend to make me want to throw something large and heavy (with my good arm) out a huge picture window or something.

i am irritated that i still have not heard back from this one particular job i want, that i think i'm (mostly) perfect for and that is close to home. i keep envisioning myself in this job and thinking about how cool it would be and every time i drive by the location i want to jump out of the car and tell them to fucking hire me already because summer is coming and that means financially we're looking at cashing in a 401k (goodbye future) and mentally i'm looking at another summer w/ my darling children 24/7 w/ no money, grasping for ways to keep them occupied and happy.

my children. oy fucking vey. they boy has his first girlfriend. she is one of his karate classmates. she is the highest ranking belt in their school (only a few classes above the boy and only one belt higher). the boy is much more secretive than the girl. i only found out they were "officially" going together after some probing. he does not like me being "all up in his bidness." really? you're fucking 10--everything you do is my business bub.

the girl is full of bubbly, shrill, ridonkulous teen-ness on tues/thurs because those are the nights she goes to her brother's karate class to check out this boy in his class whom she likes. this tuesday the boy in question spoke to her. the girl floated home on a cloud. i am trying desperately to remember how that felt, those first puppy love crushes when the fact that he looked in your direction could sustain you for a week. this is a hard task when you feel like a snarling pit bull.

then there is the issue of being taken for granted. omfuckinggod. seriously? i know that right now my job description is all about cleaning the house and running the errands and doing the laundry and basically making things run around here, but holy hell. is it too much to ask for people to put their clothes IN the laundry hamper rather than on top of the closed lid? is it too much to ask for people to put their shoes away rather than leave them lying in the middle of the fucking floor? and when did my family forget that dirty dishes go in that box with the door underneath the counter? that magic box that cleans them. and is it too much to ask for them to say, every now and then (preferably when i am feeling like an underappreciatedpitbull), wow, the house looks nice or hey, thanks for doing xyz for me.

and? you know what? i got a pedicure yesterday w/ my mother's day gift certificate and nobody fucking noticed! what???!!!! douche bags.

someone should serve me a hot fudge brownie lava cake right fucking now.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

half awake and random

the carnival went off without a hitch. when i told the girl my mom was coming her first thought was if mom would give them $10 or $5 for the event. it's sad that money is the first thing my kid thought of, but, when that's pretty much all of the attention you've ever gotten from someone, i guess it's to be expected. since there was a group of us it wasn't so hard not to talk to her. we were walking around a carnival as a group, so it's not like we were sitting face to face. i thought either she or my kids would go out of their way to talk to each other or maybe get a little face time together since it's been nearly two months since they've seen/talked to each other, but, no, not so much.

the boy's demo was great. he broke three out of four of his boards, showed off his bow skills and they did a little skit about bullying. after the folly my bro/sil and the kids came back to our house for a cookout. after dinner puddin' helped the hubs water the flowers and i could have died it was so cute. i flashed forward 25-30 years and saw our grandbaby out there with him : )

mother's day was wonderful. i slept in a little and woke to the hubs making breakfast. i got some great gifts (pedi gift certificate, topiary tree i've been wanting, a homemade book from the boy and some candy). we lounged around a bit, started opening the pool, then went out to dinner. when we got home the boy decided we needed to play a game of nerf gun death tag---6 shots and you're out. the girl was the last man standing.

i thought it was funny to see all the post on fb from the mom's who had breakfast in bed. i really don't like eating in bed. maybe drinking coffee, but not eating a full blown meal. several years ago, when the kids were much, much younger, like possibly when we first moved in this house, they tried to bring me breakfast in bed. early. very early. like 7 am early. on mother's day. i am ashamed to say i went off. i got huffy and pissy at being woken up so early on MY day. sadly, the kids still remember this. i HATE that.

the mama bird is nesting again. apparently robins can brood 2-3 times a year, though they don't produce as many eggs after the first time. first nest was three babies; this time there's one egg in the nest.

in other yard news--we've started harvesting our strawberries : ) and some cherry toms. all of the little veggies we started from seed never even made it into the ground. the ones that did sprout died. so, not such a farmer after all. the peony i got from my grandma's yard bloomed this year. though it's pink and not white. i read online that if you have an especially cold spring this could happen. i think we need to move it--it's not getting enough sun.

there is a boy in the boy's karate class that the girl has had her eye on for awhile. i am not thrilled about this. he is the karate master's new foster kid. the karate master and his wife seem to collect foster kids who need extra help. they usually have some behavioral issue. this kid in particular was having problems w/ his parents so his parents turned him over to the karate master to straighten him out. this, the story we've heard through the little karate grapevine. so, not only does this kid have issues, he most likely will not be in the picture for a long time because i'm assuming he'll go home to live w/ his folks at some point. anyway, last night he finally actually SPOKE to the girl. she came home on cloud nine. giggly, giddy, high pitched, fast talking. wow.

the boy also has a karate crush. a girl in his class. she is his age, but is the senior belt in his class. she's the only other kid in there that seems as into it as the boy. she's got the skills, and when she wants to use them she is fun to watch. she's limber and graceful. they are now friends on fb too. i am not ready for this.

last week the girl had to bring in an example of a song that contained hyperbole and onomatopoeia and she took in the lyrics to love shack by the b52s. i was so proud. she said half of her classmates had never heard of the song. i'm sure they haven't heard of the latest one she's stuck on---99 luftballons by nena. also, makes me proud : )

here is my apology to shere. i honestly have no idea how it happened, but she got bumped off the blog roll. awhile back she switched platforms. i didn't have the new one bookmarked. i switched layouts. lost my blogroll. got her blog info and then i was lazy and didn't add it back. i'm sorry my sweet. please forgive me?

Friday, May 7, 2010

i feel like someone gave me a swirlie

ok, my hair isn't stinky and wet, but you get the point.

i don't even know where to begin this post, even though the story is a common thread that just seems to keep unraveling.

my sister started dipping her toes into the ocean of this divorce i have going on w/ my parents. until this week she has seemingly been neutral. she has not mentioned the rift when we're together, has not given her thoughts on it or anything. this week, with the comments on facebook she sort of tipped her hand to being on my mom's side. the hubs and i called and talked with her and she said she just wanted to be neutral and she wasn't taking sides.

seeing as how we've taken her side against my parents many times we impressed upon her the importance of being neutral in this. we were not asking her to take sides, but, if she is only getting my mom's side of the story--and from the few details she did know i know that the story she got was convoluted at best--she should think twice about it.

the next day the hubs called my mom and basically suggested a cease fire on the comments on facebook. he said they were both wrong, they were dragging people into it and that didn't need to be done on fb. she agreed. he told her this was not, in any way, an olive branch and that it did not mean everything was back to normal--just that they wouldn't jab at each other any more. ok.

throughout the day the hubs and i talked about this situation. his fear is that if/when something happens to my parents i will have regrets about how we are currently handling the situation (ie having no contact at all w/ them). i tried to explain to him that i don't view this divorce as punishment (even though i know it is) but rather protection for me and the kids. protection of the drama, hurt, issues they are bound to cause in the future. i explained that i don't want my kids to look for acceptance or love or respect or pride or anything from my parents, which is certain to come if they are further exposed to them. i grew up searching for these things and in the end, when i didn't get them, it of course made me wonder what was wrong w/ me. i don't want that for my kids.

he said we should invite my mom to go to the carnival with us this weekend. it is a yearly spring event and our family, my brother's family, my mom and sometimes my sister's family attend together. this year the boy will have a karate demo at this event. i feel like inviting her to this event will open the door to more and frankly i'm not ready for more. he said it won't open the door, that this will just give her a chance to see the kids. he made it clear to her that there will be no discussing the issue and this does not change the status of our divorce. it is just a chance for her to see the kids.

sometimes he's a much better person than i am. i was no where near close to thinking of inviting her to anything. i'm still not. of course i am hurt by what is going on, but i really believe not having her/them in my day to day life is what's best for me and the kids.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

he really IS everywhere

god is on fb. well, i don't think he personally has an account, cos i'm sure if he did he'd have the most friends and his wall would be full of requests and then they'd make a zynga game about him and would just get out of hand.

no, what i meant is, people are bringing him to fb and it is starting to annoy me. i am not anti-religion. ok, that's not really true. i can't wrap my head around or get into organized religion. i have a faith, i believe in god, but not necessarily how the majority see him. anyhoo.

my sister has started posting random bible verses, like this from yesterday: "Bless them which persecute you: bless, and curse not." Romans 12:14. later my mom posted a comment about unforgiveness being a sign of pride and forgiveness being a sign of love or some such horse shit. i looked this morning and her comment has been deleted. hmmm. the hubs says she does this a lot, throws something out there and then deletes it. really? grow the FUCK up!

so i have random family members posting god words and there is a "friend" from college who has apparently grown up and become a bible thumper. i'm sorry. i know some of you go to church, and i'm not knocking church at all, it's just not for me right now, but it seems every single post this girl puts up is about church and god and retreats etc.

this particular girl is one that i lived w/ my senior yr in college. we had an apartment and by that time i had gotten into the college partying life and she was pretty straight. she was dating a guy a yr younger than her (i'm friends w/ him on fb too) and they'd been dating since high school. they were total opposites. he wanted to go out and have fun, party, shoot pool, whatever, and she wanted to stay home and plan their wedding and do her accounting homework. needless to say--they didn't end up together. i think she might be married to a preacher (i could be wrong) and he owns a bar. (totally got off track there.)

i am all for free speech. i really am. and i know i can delete posts or unfriend people, but i just find it all interesting and irritating at the same time.