Wednesday, August 30, 2006

You're invited

Mark your calendars for October 2012. I've decided the Hubby and I are going to renew our vows on our 20th anniversary and have a blow out party. I've been thinking about this because I just attended a wedding and because one of my best friends is getting married next year.

Weddings are a curious thing. Some single people see weddings as the Holy Grail. Once you're engaged it becomes this huge thing that consumes your life, well, usually for the girls anyway. So much planning and money goes into this event that in all reality is (if you're lucky) a blip on the map that is your married life.

A wedding is really more for other people than for the couple. The bride agonizes over decisions like what colors to have, what the cake will look like, invitations, who to invite, etc. because the end result is a reflection of sorts on her. People can't help but critique weddings. Think about it. The last wedding you went to, didn't you comment on just about everything? Those brides maid's dresses were fugly; the food was awful and did you hear the toast the best man made? These are things people talk about. To the bride the wedding is all important because she knows on some level she's personally being judged on it.

This is why I want to have a huge 20th celebration. The Hubby and I had been living together for about a year when we got married and had dated off and on for almost 10 years, so it's not like it was any big surprise that we were getting married. Still, you would like to think people would be excited and want to share in such an important time in your life. My Dad apparently didn't subscribe to this notion because one of the statements he made was 'why should we get excited when the cow's already been let out of the barn.' Thanks Dad.

At that time, just starting out, we didn't have a lot of money and since my folks didn't exactly jump at the chance to throw their eldest daughter the wedding she deserved, the Hubby and I paid for and planned everything ourselves. It was a small wedding, in part because of money but mostly because at the time neither of us knew that many people. I had no real roll model for planning a wedding; there hadn't really been a "big" wedding in my family and as most of you know my parents aren't the shining example of taste and etiquette. So we just sort of flew by the seat of our pants.

I picked out fabric and a pattern and my aunt made my dress. My maid of honor and I made the bridal party's bouquets and I had my bouquet made out of silk flowers. In lieu of gifts one of my uncles took pictures and another video taped the ceremony. Though we said the traditional vows (minus the obey part!) we also wrote our own vows. Our reception was at the church, simple punch and cake stuff. It was not elaborate by any means. But it was filled with our own touches and personality. Don't get me wrong, I didn't want a huge expensive wedding, but there are things I would do differently. One thing that bothers me the most I suppose is that my parents have rewritten history on this and claim to have paid for our wedding (they did buy a couple of buckets of chicken for the rehearsal dinner and some balloons); of course they also claim to have put me through college despite the fact that I was still paying for my student loans up until about 10 years ago.

So, in six years we will have the reception and fun we missed out on 14 years ago and you, my friends, are invited!

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

What about my balls?

This week has been filled with growing pains in our house. The Girl is going into 4th grade and The Boy into 1st. These are just two of the fun (and I use that term VERY loosely) conversations we've had.

1. Last night after his bath The Boy is standing wrapped in a towel in his bedroom doorway and stops me in the hall.

Him: Mom, what would happen if I didn't have any balls?
Me: WHAT?!!???!??!?!!? What are you talking about?
Him: (Removes the towel and is standing there butt naked, pointing to his testicles.) These, my balls, what would happen if I didn't have them?
Me: Well...uh...(Thinking to myself WTF is this! Where's The Hubby? Can I pawn this off on him? The Boy is looking at me like he didn't just ask a highly strange question.) Well, if you didn't have them then when you grow up and get married you wouldn't be able to have kids.
Him: But I thought girls had babies?
Me: (Oh boy, I've opened a can of worms.) Well, they do but the Daddy's help them have babies.
Him: Oh, so you mean they press their penis against the girl?
Me: Uh, this is something we can talk about when you're older.

2. The night before The Girl decided she and The Boy are lame because they're the only ones at school and in their daycare that still believe in Santa. Truth be told she didn't believe in Santa last year, though she wasn't ready to let go of it and totally bought in to all the hideous lies we've told her about him and the things we've done to try to prolong their believing. (i.e. writing notes from Santa to them, eating the carrots they leave for the reindeer and even downloading reindeer pictures from the Web making it look like Santa left them a snapshot of Rudolph). She's going on and on about this (among other things like she's the only kid in the world without a phone and TV in her room) until bedtime. The Boy goes to bed and she's still wailing about it so The Hubby and I give each other the look like, ok, this is it, we're going to tell her the truth. On August 21, 2006 we told The Girl, no Virginia, there is no Santa Claus. She bawled. I almost did. Then she turned on us.

Her: Why did you lie to me? Why did you do that?
Dad: Christmas is magical honey, when you're a little little kid that's part of the fun of it.
Her: So you lied about it all? There's no Tooth Fairy or Easter Bunny either? (more sobbing)
Me: Uh, no, they aren't real either.
Her: You LIED to me.
Dad: Yes, we did but that was part of being a kid and now you know the truth.
(This conversation went on for an hour and a half and also covered the TV/phone I don't have any friends issues before it finally wound down.)
Her: So, were you also lying about fruits and vegetables being healthy for me?

Man, she's good.

As for the TV in the bedroom--I am and always have been opposed to young kids (like under 12 or 13) having TVs in their rooms. Any thoughts on this subject?

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Two fer Tuesday

Wow aren't you lucky, getting two, that's two blogs for the price of one. I've taken some cough medicine, the kids are in bed and the Hubby had to go put out a fire.

Remember Bubba Ass? You know, the brother-in-law from Hell that even the Devil would say WTF and kick out? Well the Hubby was talking to his sister the other day and she was complaining about him. I just CAN'T imagine why. Apparently Bubba Ass has decided that although she's 40+ years old and has been cooking for her family for about 30 years she doesn't know how to scramble eggs. She also does not know how to slice a tomato. He's decided he doesn't like her hair cut either.

The Hubby had a few suggestions--stop cooking for him and tell him to shut the fuck up. : ) Because we like Bubba Ass SO much.

She then proceeded to tell him they have separate checking accounts, which I hear is how some couples handle their money. But, they split all their bills 50/50. She's working two blue collar jobs and he's a truck driver (who's loaded according to her). House payment--she pays half. Electricity, she pays half. Obviously if he makes more than her she's busting her ass to pay half of everything while he has money left over at the end of the month.

A few months ago the idiot thought he had cancer (ok, I'm going to hell for sure because I was a tad disappointed to find out he didn't) so he went out and bought a new truck to the tune of a $600 a month payment they couldn't afford.

Bubba Ass is loathsome, ignorant, slimy, boisterous, cocky and stupid, but I have to say my sister in law isn't the world's smartest person if she's sticking with him. Why can't people see when the person they're with is totally wrong for them (or anyone for that matter)?

Tuesday Night Special

1. Although I'm incredibly witty (ok, no comments from the pnut gallery) I cannot write catchy headlines or blog titles.

2. Why does Michael Eisner have a talk show? I don't get that. There are three people in the media who really do interviews well: Charlie Rose, James Lipton and the grand dame, Babba Wawa. If I didn't have to be on camera to do it I'd love either one of their jobs.

3. People's book shelves are very revealing I think. Our computer is sitting on a built in desk/book shelf system.
Here are the contents:

Top shelf--my mostly hardback collection of Stephen King books, arranged in the order they were written. These share a shelf with Bibles and religious books from when the Hubby was a lay leader in our church a few years ago. Yes, I put them there on purpose and understand the irony.

Next shelf--We start with some Anne Rice (including a pre-press uncorrected proof of Memnoch the Devil), Mario Puzo and Gone With the Wind; then on to the coffee table sized books of Degas, Impressionism, Nuremberg; next come a plethora of quote books then into the Hubby's books--World Almanac's, antiques, biographies and Ann Coulter (I figure this will get a rise out of some of you!).

We then split to my side/his side. My side we've got all the penguin/Antarctica books; Kate Hepburn's bio, poetry and quote books. His side features all the Richard Bach books (which I too love) and more biographies and some Star Trek books. My side ends up with a huge book I totally love, The Art Book, along side a Thesaurus and Dictionary. What's on your shelves?

4. Can you believe people actually hire interior decorators to "design" their book shelves? What the hell is up with that?

5. Adam Sandler really is a good actor and comedian. To look as dorky as he does, I think he's hot.

6. I've been sick the last couple of days and I realize the older I get the more inconvenient and debilitating (ok that might be a slight exaggeration) being sick is.

7. How does your house get dusty when you don't have any windows open? Where does dust come from?

8. Who else read the Flowers in the Attic series by V.C. Andrews when they were teens? I think I read them all, they were quite disturbing. The brother and sister ended up together--WTF?

9. There is a difference between a bison and a buffalo and a dolphin and a porpoise. I never knew that.

10. I was emailing a friend of mine about my slight discontent with the new job. She said she didn't know many people who actually liked their jobs. Do you think this is true? For the most part I do like my job, I just don't like EVERYTHING about it. Then again, I don't know what I'd do instead. Not much call for coloring book publishers in this neck of the woods. (FYI, I did a spell check on this before I published it and in #10 the spell checker wanted to change emailing to unwilling. Interesting.)

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Top 10 List of Things I Want to Share

1. We have reached the crossroads of childhood. The Girl is no longer a “little kid” and is now a tween. Back-to-school clothes shopping was an adventure. I can no longer pick her outfits without her input. This year she has slowly started migrating from the all pink wardrobe to other colors, including brown. She also got a pair of camo pants (though they’re pink camo). She decided to venture into jeans (has always avoided them) and she likes the t-shirts with the smart ass sayings on them.

2. The Boy has wanted a pink shirt all summer; we finally found one but it’s a girls’ polo. We bought it, you can’t tell it’s a girls’ shirt and he looks damn cute in it. He also chose a black button up shirt with flames all over it. We’re still searching for socks. He’s the only kid I know that has to try on socks—too itchy, too thick, too uncomfortable.

3. I took the kids clothes shopping on my own because the Hubby was waiting on the guy to set the grandfather clock we just bought (it’s really pretty) and because this particular task is no fun for him and no fun for me when he’s critiquing everything the Girl tries on. Anyhoo—we’re in the dressing room, me, the Boy and the Girl. She’s admiring herself in the mirror trying on dresses and he’s just standing there.

Me: Ok, take off your shorts and try on these jeans.
Boy: Oh tartar sauce, I forgot to put on underwear this morning. (Yeah, BIG surprise there!)
Me: Well, you still need to try these jeans on.
Boy: But Daddy told me not to wear zip up pants without underwear.
Me: Yeah, I can see where that would be a bad thing but I still need you to try these on.
Boy: Ok, but I hope I don’t hurt my privates.
So after 15 minutes of him cupping himself to prevent any damage to the naughty bits while wiggling into a pair of jeans he got them on and they fit.

4. With all the chaos going on at his job the Hubby has become obsessive about house keeping. To his credit he really is better at cooking and cleaning than I am; I am better at yard work. His fear, which has a lot of merit, is that I will turn into my mother. This is my fear on many levels too, but this particular fear is based on the fact that my parents are pigs. This was not the way when I was growing up, but in the last 5-10 years they have apparently forgotten how to pick up after themselves, ride a lawn mower and wash dishes. There are piles of things everywhere. So we’ve had a pretty spotless house for a few weeks now. I like it, but sometimes you just want to come home after work and say screw it, I’m not washing a load of clothes and I’ll put the dishes in the sink in the dishwasher tomorrow.

5. I am beginning to question my desire for my job. I like it in theory. I like the writing, I like the material, etc. but being a manager and dealing with office politics etc. has never been something I’m even remotely interested in. Plus I don’t have as much free time at work any more and that sucks.

6. My old boss, the one who told me when I got this job that I should color my hair and get some new clothes, passed me in the hall the other day and told me I should think about joining her in the work Weight Watchers meetings. I realize I could stand to lose weight, and oddly enough I think I have lately because my clothes fit differently but I don’t really use scales, and I do not think she was trying to be mean, but DAMN!

7. Here’s a fun way to test your geography skills.

8. Hypothetically speaking my life is half over. I will be 38 in 18 days. Women in my family tend to live into their late 70s, early 80s. This is a sobering thought. I have so much left to do.

9. Does anyone other than me like or remember the group Outfield? Josie’s on a vacation far away, come around we’ll talk it over. I just want to use your love tonight.

10. My kids favorite songs right now are from my Awesome 80s CDs—Love Shack, Straight Up (Paula Abdul), Another One Bites the Dust and Maniac (from Flashdance). They know most of the words. I’m so proud. ; )

Friday, August 4, 2006

Recommended reading

This an awesome book. It's exactly like the book I would write if I wrote a book. It's random and funny, poignant and interesting. A life listing of sorts.

I recently finished this one, and it was a good read. To me it was the story of a woman searching for the meaning in her life when all along it was right under her nose, but she never realized it.

Quotes for your enjoyment

I am trying to post more frequently because I feel a sense of responsiblity to entertain the 3-4 people who read this on occassion. Plus I just like quotes. : )
Have a good weekend!

"I wasn't kissing her; I was just whispering in her mouth."
--Chico Marx

"I don't give my weight. I weigh a hundred and plenty."
--Wendy Morgan

"All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening."
--Alexander Woollcott

"Making the decision to have a child-it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."
--Elizabeth Stone

"Art is a collaboration between God and the artist, and the less the artist does the better."
--Andre Gide

"Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired."
--Jules Renard

"Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
--Robert Heinlein, Time Enough For Love

"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later."
--Mitch Hedberg, Mitch All Together

Toni Morrison wrote, "They straightened out the Mississippi River in places, to make room for houses and livable acreage. Occasionally the river floods these places ... but in fact it is not flooding; it is remembering. ... All water has a perfect memory and is forever trying to get back to where it was. Writers are like that: remembering where we were, what valley we ran through, what the banks were like, the
light that was there and the route back to our original place."

"If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity."
--Bill Vaughan

Nicholson Bakers said, "Most writers are secretly worried that they're not really writers. That it's all been happenstance, something came together randomly, the letters came together, and they won't coalesce ever again."

"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck."
--George Carlin

Wednesday, August 2, 2006

Random stuff

I'm sitting here like I don't have a damn thing to do but can't seem to concentrate. I was reading through my blog, damn, sometimes I'm pretty funny huh?, and realized that I started more than one entry with the whole it's been a long time since my last confession thing. Why did I think that was funny? I apologize.

I say that rocks a lot, I don't know why because I do not say this in real life, at least I'm not aware that I say that.

Here are some random things:

1. July 4th ended up being pretty cool. It stormed, which I love, and then we got closer than normal to the fireworks (I could feel them thundering in my chest), which I love, and the city put them off faster than normal because they were afraid it would start raining again. The downside is that the storm tore up our patio furniture.

2. We're seriously talking about quitting smoking.

3. We are now into the 6th season of West Wing.

4. I got to visit with my friend TL in Vegas and now I'm incredibly jealous that in the next year or two he will be participating in a marathon in ANTARCTICA! I can't begin to tell you how cool I think that is.

5. I'm highly influencable (is that a word?). Does this mean that I'm stupid and have no thoughts or original ideas? I do not know.

6. I am recovering from poison ivy. My doctor said poison ivy loves the green house effect because the oils in the ivy keep getting stronger and the plant is thriving. Oh, super great news for me, one who can catch it it seems by just saying it's freaking name. I still am not sure how I got this batch of it. I still have a scar on my arm from last year's infestation.

7. I now have seen Train twice, the same number of times I've seen Rod. What does this mean? I saw Pat, the lead singer, without a shirt (well, we all did because he took it off on stage). Not bad, not bad at all.

8. I do not have a current passport.

9. I have started drinking more water lately, probably because of the new fridge with the ice and water in the door.

10. I have made guacamole from scratch now and totally love it. However, since I'm the only one in my house that will eat green things it's hard to make guac for one.