Thursday, January 31, 2008

spinning yarns that were so lyrical

i had three to four posts in my head all day but was so swamped at work i didn't get to post and it's 7:47 p.m. and this is the first time i haven't been occupied since i got home.

we're trying at the last minute to plan something for my mom's birthday this weekend. she turns 60. my youngest nephew's birthday is the same day. my sister is having his birthday at my parent's house (since she lives there about 1/2 the time anyway i guess) and later we'll have a surprise dinner for my mom. it's the best we could muster the enthusiasm for. sad i know but that's life. you reap what you sow. i did have to laugh talking w/ the sil tonight though. she said she had a hard time finding a birthday card that was just plain, like happy birthday. i thought i was the only one that did that! it's not like i'd buy a card that read, thank you for being such a great mom, such a great role model and friend or some other maudlin crap like that. don't get me wrong, i love those types of cards (and the hubs always gets me tear jerker cards) but i can't bring myself to buy a card like that for my parents cos it would be incredibly phoney.

i also had to laugh, though i'm sure it's not really funny, when my sil told me that during my nephew's tae kwon do practice he received his first kick in the balls. she said you could just see the look of pained confusion spread across his face. i'm sorry, it makes me laugh. ; )

in this planning for mom's birthday i called my aunt and uncle to invite them. she is my dad's sister and they live in the area too. every time after i talk to either of them i think, wow, i really like them, why don't we spend more time together? this is odd because growing up i pretty much didn't like them much at all. of course they were typically drunk all the time. my aunt has been sober for more than 15 years now i think and they really are cool people. anyway, we talked for like an hour or more. she feels pretty much the same way i do about my parents. her views are based on the fact that although my parents live two miles from my grandma she and my uncle shoulder more of the caretaking. that's true. she said they are two of the most self-absorbed people she's ever met. then she apologized and i laughed and said she was preaching to the choir.

then we talked about health stuff--i got the lowdown on some family history in regards to my cataracts. both of my grandparents had cataracts as did my dad. my aunt and my grandma have macular degeneration. she also told me more about our heritage. my grandpa was a mix between native american and dutch and grandma is irish and french. interesting.

she's a pediatric nurse so i also got the lowdown on guardasil and that monongialcoccal shot you see advertised on tv. i know some parents are anti immunizations and certain medications but she cleared up some questions i had and though the hubs and i will discuss and i'll talk to our pediatrician, i think the girl should get both when i take her for her 11 year old check up. (donut, she also gave me the name of a good pediatrician that's near you, so remind me to tell you.)

i really enjoyed talking with her and now feel pretty guilty cos i made fun of that fugly watch she gave me for christmas.

in other news--the girl is a knitting machine (hence the spinning yarns title). i'll have to take some pictures and post them this weekend cos she's getting really good at making scarves. she's sold a few to her counselors at daycare.

this post is getting really long (you probably stopped reading like four paragraphs ago) but i have more.

aside from being really swamped at work this week, i've had to get my picture taken. i would have to say, getting my picture taken is probably one of the things i hate most in the world. though it has taken me 39 years to realize this, i now know why i hate it. you see, when you look in the mirror every day you see your reflection not the "real" you. your hair may be poufy on one side in the mirror but that's not the side it's really poufy on. (if you're still reading you're probably thinking---wtf is she talking about and is she high? sadly, no). anyway, i have a vision of how i look and i've come to like it i suppose. in the last year i've come to terms with the physical side of me, and though i do not love the way i look, i do not hate it like i used to. anyway, when i see a picture of myself i see how other people see me and i see all of the imperfections.

for example, the pictures taken this week show me that the color of my hair should probably be lighter, i'm still seeing brown. obviously there's the weight thing but i'm not even going there right now. i am also incredibly pale, hello--any blood in there cos i look like a freaking corpse. and this is the kicker---though i thought the bras i've been wearing are good (i.e. no seams, comfy, you can tell i have two breasts etc.) apparently they are not as supportive as they should be. i swear in some of the pictures it was like my breasts were lazy eyes, one going one way one out in left field. WTF???? granted i know that after two kids and gravity etc. they are not going to be firm and perky, i'm not an idiot, but really? can't they just get together and be friends for one picture?

it sounds like i'm being a diva about these pictures and i think i might have frustrated donut with my nitpicking about them, but all of the reasons above are why i hate having my picture taken. that and the fact that when you have your picture taken it means someone is focusing on you and, in the case of this picture, that people other than my family will see it.

if you hung in this long give yourself a pat on the back : )

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

sports, slaughtering english and babies

first i have to share with you just how little sports information is floating around in my family. we are not sport watchers. we are not fans. my children know little to nothing about sports. witness the conversation snippets we overheard on the way to the coven meeting, i mean cub scouts tonight.

the girl: the packers are playing england this weekend.

roflmao. ok, honestly i don't have the first clue who is playing this weekend (it's the super bowl right?) but i'm pretty sure it isn't england.

then the boy was talking about golf and said the ball sits on this golf stand and you hit it with a puck. mmmm, ok.

second--the coven leader was talking about a trip we're taking in may to visit a battleship. apparently she wants us all to conjugate at 9 p.m. that friday night. hmmm, i was, i am, i will be. there, i conjugated.

and....drum roll paaaaaleeeze : ) i was a tad, wee bit excited this morning because donut was going to the doctor to find out what we're, i mean she, is having. my bro and sil can relate to my badgering cos i did the same thing when they had their appointment. i called and left donut a voicemail around 7:30 or so. then i called at 9:45 (her appointment was at 8:30). we played phone tag and i finally talked to her at 10:14 and guess what? she's having a GIRL! another baby girl in our midst. yeah girls! maybe puddin and munchkin could be friends : )

two more things then i'm done.

do you know the song goodbye stranger by supertramp? if not here are the lyrics. the hubs says this song is about weed. i say it's about girls. wtf? goodbye mary, goodbye jane--really? it's about weed?

second last thing---triangles. omg the girl's math is getting harder. acute, right, obtuse, isosceles, yada yada. i had to google the damn things to get my brain jogged. i hate math.

Monday, January 28, 2008

the pinewood derby fiasco

for those of you not versed in the evil ways, i mean traditions of the boy scouts of america, here's little background on the pinewood derby race.

the idea is that the BOYS start with a block of wood. they design and craft a little car out of it. several weeks later there is a pinewood derby race. each car is weighed in. there are rules about what you can and can't do to the car. it has to be legal, yada yada yada.

i've talked about this before. it is a cluster fuck all the way around. this one event alone makes me hate the boy scouts. friday night our den or pack or coven, whatever it's called, had its non-cub race. this is where the sisters, moms, dads etc. who've also made cars get to race. the girl made and raced a car this year. i was pretty proud of her cos ya know this is boy scouts and she didn't have to do it.

our coven has a high tech race course. ok, i assume it's high tech cos i've never seen any others. it's a metal track hooked up to a computer that has this specific software that tells which cars are racing, in what order, how fast they are going and who has set the track record. these little cars get up to 200 mph. the girl's car made it to 181; it was not the slowest but not near the fastest.

the thing that pissed me off first about this race is that the older boys, some of the dads and even the head boy scout leader guy were belittling the slower cars, loudly. really? how fucking old are you people? the head leader guy, he's the den leader of the boy scouts (my boy is in cub scouts, the younger group) and has three boys in the program. this guy is a total ass. he is arrogant and condescending and rude and i just wanted to smack him. at one point he was talking smack with another dad, all in good fun i'm sure they'd say, and he flipped the dad's baseball cap off! yes, grown people, scouts, acting like that in front of the boys.

so during the two hours it took for all of these heats to be raced the boy, who wasn't racing until the next day, was incredibly bored. and he was observing the race and hearing all of the teasing and bad mouthing the adults were giving the slower cars.

the bigger winner of the night? a three year old. yes, i'm sure he worked very very hard on his car. the other runners up were dads. that's fine, that's what the race was about, non-cubs racing, but c'mon, a three year old? really?

i was dreading saturday. even though saturday was supposed to be all about the cubs racing their cars that really is not how it works. i'd say the boy is one of the few kids that actually got to design, build, paint his own car. some of the boys aren't even allowed to touch their cars. their dad's spend unbelievable hours working on these things. it's so sad.

i asked the hubs if he thought it was just our coven that acted this way--this way in that men turn into 10 year olds and actually worry if their plastic wheels are balanced and if someone else's car might perhaps be faster than theirs--and he said no. his dad told him that when they were young and in scouts it was the same way and that the pinewood derby has always been a source of contention within the bsa organization. no fucking kidding. stupid neanderthals.

the boy decided he didn't want to race his car saturday. normally i'd encourage him to at least participate because it's not about winning it's about the fun of making your car and watching adults race it down a track right? but he wouldn't even be competing against his peers, he'd be racing their dads. so we didn't go and we didn't make him do it.

this brought up the conversation about whether to stick with scouts or move on. the boy has been mentioning soccer and tae kwon do (i'm sure it has NOTHING to do w/ the fact the nephew is taking TKD). we've told both kids they can have activities but it has to be one each at a time. i can't be one of those parents running from place to place every night. i don't see how kids that do that ever have time for homework or a life and plus i'm just lazy like that. plus when one of us is out of town that makes it hella worse to try to ferry kids hither and yon.

the boy has decided that scouts are out. he will complete this year (it's over when school is out) and then he's moving on to something else. i hate that he's quitting it, just as i hated it when the girl quit girl scouts, but i won't make them stay involved in something they don't like and something i can't really muster up the support for.

danger will robinson

ah, i don't know how to break this to you but you might want to avoid me/the blog/my phone calls etc. for awhile.

the hubs and i are experimenting with another simultaneous event---we're going to quit smoking. yeah i know. you've heard it before.

see, when he took over as the CFO jan. 1 the plan was that cigarettes would come out of the food budget until the end of january and at that point we would either quit or pay for them out of our allowance. (stop laughing, the money thing is working so far). well, we have done the grocery shopping for the week and did not buy cigarettes and frankly neither of us has the allowance left to buy smokes. there is money that could be used to buy cigarettes but we are, at least for today, going with the premise that we aren't going to smoke anymore.

the last cig i had was in the garage before i left the house for work at 8:30. it is 11:42. i did not smoke on the way to work nor since i've been here. i have stories to write today, it is hard for me to write without hopping outside for a smoke to think.

so, we may be hateful, bitchy, mean, testy for awhile. oh and on top of that keely and leah have decided to become houdinis.

friday my neighbor called and they had crawled under the fence to another yard. this morning she called and they were in her yard. when the hubs went home to inspect keely had dug a hole for her and another, larger one, for leah so they could go play in the neighbor's yard with her dogs. dear lord please please please do not let them run away again!!!!!

i so want a smoke right now.

i read somewhere last week that coffee, tea, soda and meat make cigarettes taste good. frankly i've never thought they tasted good, except clove cigarettes, and i hate the smell of regular cigarettes, marlboro lights please (i know, so why do i smoke??? no idea). water, fruit, veggies and milk are supposed to make cigarettes taste bad.

anyone have a big carrot and a glass of milk i could borrow???

*******breaking news update*********
12:11 the moratorium on tobacco products has been suspended until january 31, the original cessation date because the administration has decided that immediate, unplanned cessation is probably not the best plan of attack. (or perhaps it's the fact that i've called him like 20 times this morning asking if he was jonesin' for a smoke as much as i was. ok, it wasn't 20 but i think he heard the panic in my voice.) he has approved the line item budget spending and will deliver products to me today, at work : )

Sunday, January 27, 2008

top o the mornin' to ya and the book of secrets

5 something a.m.---the boy is standing beside my bed.
he: there's throw up in my bed.
my first thought is oh great one of the cats hacked in his bed.
he: i threw up in my bed.

i try to rouse myself awake to fully understand what he's said. ok, he's thrown up. i look at the clock, dear lord it's still dark. i feel his forehead. no fever.

me: buddy, do you need to throw up again, let's go to the bathroom.
he: no, i'm fine can i sleep in here?
me: yes
sleep yes, back to sleep.

7 a.m. i hear hurling sounds, much like those cats give when they're warning you they're going to throw up, they wretch a bit and contort their bodies. i panic. the boy is in the middle of the bed, laying facing me. i'm about to get hurled on. i sit up and in what is almost like a choreographed moment he simultaneously leans over the bed and thankfully pukes on the floor and not me and not the bed. for a brief moment i almost hurl too. it is red. i won't go on. i grab a washcloth. he says he's ok now. i'm not buying it. i clean up the foulness. i think the hubs might have opened his eyes once but i can't be sure.

7 something a.m. the boy and i move to the den couch, puke bowl at the ready. he sips sprite. we doze off and on. just when i get sort of comfy with him on the couch he hurls again. still no fever, no other symptoms. he looks tired but otherwise it's just the random tossing of the contents. by now it's not even that much.

12:42 and i've been officially up for about two hours--by that i mean we are no longer dozing on the couch, the tv is on and the girl is up. the boy has eaten half a bowl of cereal. we'll see if it stays down. my own stomach is starting to feel iffy. i can't get sick. i have too much stuff going on at work this week.

total non sequitor warning
last night we took the kids to see national treasure, book of secrets. admittedly i came way late to the party. i just saw the first movie all the way through over christmas break. i liked it. for those uninitiated, nick cage (we need to talk about him) plays ben gates, a treasure hunter, but not for money, for the historical importance, yada yada of it all. he's a genius. he deciphers all kinds of cool stuff. the movies are very entertaining and interesting and frankly it's made the boy at least ask more about history and stuff so that can't be a bad thing. the girl is more concerned that there actually could be these fantastic treasures and she'd love to get her greedy paws on them. the stories, though fantastical, really don't seem like they're improbable. this was the same feeling i walked away with after i read the da vinci code. yes i realize it is fiction and i realize the national treasures are movies, but it could have happened.

so the second movie was good, totally leaves it open to a third but dude, if they do a third, nick cage needs to quit faking it. his hair distracted me the entire time. yes, he has a receding hairline and that's fine. it was the hair, it looked fake it looked like he was wearing not just a toupee but a wig or something, like even his forehead was fake. nick could totally pull off bald cos he has great facial features, but this fake stuff is ruining it for me.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

before and after

remember during christmas break when we were doing the de-assing? well, one of the biggest parts of that was the boy's room. it was hellacious. here are two before pictures (and yes, that's a slip of him on the right, toiling away in his boxers). it should be noted he picked his room wall color when we moved in the house about 5 years ago. back then barney was the king of his world.

hours later, this was the result. yes, that's the mona lisa poster he got for his birthday.

Friday, January 25, 2008

facial hair

the hubs and i had a discussion the other day about facial hair. as you might remember when the hubs got back from oklahoma he was sporting facial hair, which i commented about here. since then my bro has teased him a little calling him the professor. i still think it's hot and he still has the facial hair, ok a beard but not a full on 70s biker beard or anything.

people, ok, women, have made comments to him about it. some older women in his office have said he looks like santa (cos it's mostly white) while other, younger women in the stores say it's hot.

his theory is the old women see it and it makes them think age and that they're old and so they don't like it but the young ones see it and thing, sexy older guy.

i think it's more a generational thing that goes in waves. you saw more beards in the 70s. in the 80s the clean shaven look was in. in the 90s the beard gave way to the goatee, flavor savor, whatever else they call partial facial hair but not full on beard.

i don't like full beards but some facial hair is sexy i think. it's kind of anti-establishment, bad boy, rough, sexy.

what's your opinion on facial hair?

Thursday, January 24, 2008

what's for dinner?

tonight we're having brinner (breakfast for dinner), which is quite honestly one of my favorite meals. bacon, omelets and beignets. yes, beignets. i didn't even know what they were. i thought they were a type of doughnut from new orleans, and that's pretty much right i guess, but i had no idea what they were supposed to look like or taste like. the ones i made came from a packet that was in a new orleans gift box i got about a month ago.

after looking them up on the web i do not think what i turned out was quite right. therefore, in deference to my to do list for 2008 i think scones and beignets will be the things i try to learn to make this year.

it is supposed to get fuck-tastically cold here tonight (yeah i know, unnecessary cussing, but it amuses me) like 19 degrees.

stop the voices

warning: because it is 3:22 a.m. and my brain is having a meltdown this post has several different topics/titles.

dream, dream dream dream dream .....whenever i want you all i have to do is dream (yes, the everly bros song in case you were wondering) although this has nothing to do with anything resembling a good dream but the song is in my head anyway. i digress and should back up.

stupid dogs (said in the voice of the man from courage the cowardly dog)
they both came into the bedroom around 2 am--ish. never mind that it's fucking freezing outside, these bitches wanted out. they snorted in my face and whacked their tails on the wall beside my side of the bed. i let them out. i felt guilty because it's freezing outside but was still in a half slumber/sleep, all toasty and warm beneath the down. i made a point to tell the hubs they were outside as i crawled back into bed. he moaned and rolled over. i made a mental note that i would lie down for a sec and then get up and let them back in. then the dream came.

we're in the army now
i was sort of in the army but working with the same people i work with now (yeah, i know, how subliminal is THAT shit!). we were at some sort of conference, all of us in our BDUs (uh, ok, for those civilians out there those are big dumb and uglies, i mean the camo stuff) but it was lunch time and we were in the mess tent. there was a speaker during lunch, apparently someone important because even though it was during lunch you were expected to be quiet and listen, you know, show some respect? so anyway, i got my tray and sat at a table (no, not with all my super cool friends from work) with a co-worker i will call half-clone, or HC for short. (HC is the person who took over when my old boss retired. HC can be perfectly nice at times but she is obviously brainwashed and is a mini-me of the queen of evil). I sat with HC and my old boss---all of us wearing BDUs. I must mention that neither of these people would ever be caught dead anywhere near camo anything, while i on the other hand did wear camo pants a few times in high school i think. So, these two are talking during the presentation. HC is talking loud because she is pissed. She is being rude and snotty and self righteous. (Should be noted that in real life she is pissed right now cos one of her employees just quit w/out notice). So I casually try to shush her, cos ya know we're supposed to be being respectful of the speaker. then she starts going off on me and my old boss is sitting there like, yeah, who are you to tell her to shush, and i'm sitting there like you bitches are both wrong cos you were talking during the presentation! fuckers

then i woke up cos my stomach hurt (i think i ate too much trail mix) and i felt bad for the dogs (an hour had passed since i let them out) and i couldn't stop thinking about work.

i tried to snuggle back into sleep but the thoughts were swirling and i started composing 29 million blog posts in my head. then i remembered that i wanted to tell you about the dream i had about rick springfield when donut and i were in atlanta.

jessie's girl
this was one of those brief snippets of a dream. i was obviously working the show, eating lunch in one of the temporary grab and go places they have set up for lunch (ok, weird that both of these dreams happened during lunch?). i was sitting down at my table and rick came up to me. we started talking and then it was like he was talking about us getting back together.

i found this very amusing cos though back in the day i thought rick/aka dr. noah drake was hot, he's not like one of the celebs i think about. i think i thought about him cos i met him a few years ago (remember???) in atlanta at the market.

the hubs was not amused and after that eric estrada sex dream i had years ago you'd think i'd learn not to tell him dreams like that. he was not mad per se, but he didn't find the humor i did. his analysis is that rick plays guitar and is a musician so maybe i was having dreams of getting back together w/ that guy from college who played the guitar and was musical.

back to reality. i tried rolling over again, snuggling down into the warmth but oldy mcbones (the ancient gray cat) was at my feet, the hubs was snoring, the girl's cat was doing something under my side of the bed that was annoying me, and my stomach still hurt and the thoughts were still swirling and the dogs were still out.

i let the stupid dogs back in and then sat down to empty my head here. the dogs are snoring on the couches, i can occasionally here the hubs snoring from the back of the house, the boy was stirring and i'm going to try to go back to bed.

ok but before i do, see, this shit is happening more and more. the random can't stop my brain overload after i've gotten to sleep. i have no trouble whatsoever getting to sleep but there's always some work shit in my brain and god help me if i actually even halfway wake up cos then it's all over and i get all twisted up like i am now. then i don't want to get up in the morning (ok, like i ever do) and it's just not good.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008


for next tuesday when donut finds out if she's having a girl munchkin or a boy munchkin : ) i'm so very excited. and though she told me i get to be in the delivery room for the big event i'm thinking it might come down to her mom and sister wanting to be in there and i just want her to know if that's the case i will be ok with whatever she decides. regardless i will be at the hospital though, even if it's just listening outside the door ; )

for the dreaded period. i know, as much as i bitch about it i'm off schedule and it's driving me nuts. i was on the same schedule w/ donut but her pregnancy threw me off. i must be highly influenced cos i often start cycling in tandem w/ close female co-workers. i have all the signs, quick to irritate, sleepiness (i.e. i'm ready for bed at 11 instead of 1 or 2) and i don't like any of my clothes when it's time to get dressed in the morning.

for the hair to grow. i do love it, really i do. it's shorter than it's been since the boy was born i think, but it looks sassy and the color rocks. however, you know how i have that hair twirling thing? it's not a good twirling length and that's driving me nuts.

for the next time i see my SIL to see how much she's showing : ) it's been since new year's eve and i'm sure puddin' is growing. SIL--are you feeling movement yet?

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

thought provoking tv show

ok, i've babbled to a handful of people today about this show we watched on the history channel last night, life after people.

if you didn't watch it, there's an encore presentation this wednesday night. it is very interesting (i even missed jon & kate + 8 for it). it's basically about what happens to the planet when there are no people around. it doesn't say how we got gone (presumably not from anything like an atom bomb cos the plants and animals are still around) but it's a timeline. hours after people, days, weeks, a year, up to a thousand years i think.

first of all, i can't imagine the complete darkness that would be inevitable. night without one single bit of electric light? think about how dark it is when you're driving in the middle of bum fuck egypt in the middle of the night and then increase that. wow. that's dark.

it also is interesting because of all the things we think we as a people have done better than ancient civilizations---sky scrapers, technology, cars, etc.---none of those will be around in 1,000 years. no books, cds, photos, etc. no records of our existence. egyptian clay tablets, cave drawings, still around, us, not so much.

watch it and let's discuss. i'm fascinated but don't want to go into too much cos i hope you all watch it. (no, i'm not getting a kick back from the history channel to encourage your viewing!).

Monday, January 21, 2008

a day off

i don't really know why i long for days off of work because it's not like those are days where i get to sleep in late, lounge around playing on the Internet or reading or napping or whatever. however, i guess overall today was good.

i dropped the boy off at daycare and took the girl to her eye appointment to replace the glasses she lost at home depot. thankfully she doesn't yet have those cataracts it looks like i inherited.

when it came time to choose her frames, wow, she did a 180 from the last pair. the last few pair she had were cute pink wire frames, very nice looking on her. this time she went balls to the walls dark tortoise shell. they too look good on her, but such a departure. egads, she really is growing up. she was quite the diva trying them on though. lord help me.

after dropping her back off at daycare i debated about the hair. i so desperately needed it done but cringed at the thought of spending $100+ on it. it's hair for god's sake. on a whim i stopped in at a local hair place, you know the ones you drive by all the time and never go in? well, thank god i did. not only was it almost half the price, the woman was awesome and did a great job. at least i think so : ) the highlights look good, it actually has a stylish shape to it rather than just long. we'll see what the hubs says. he loves the long long hair but i got about 2-3 inches taken off. it will grow back but it really was getting too long. the woman that cut it was friendly without trying to talk my head off and she washes a good head. don't you love when you get someone that really does a great job washing your hair? i love that.

so, after the hair i picked up the urchins and am making chili for dinner. why the hell do they call it chili anyway?

Sunday, January 20, 2008

ah to be young again

though we celebrated the girl's birthday thursday on her actual birthday ( 1/17/07 1:14 a.m.), yesterday we had her official party.

she had friends (four) and family (the usual crowd minus the SIL who had a prior commitment) and it was good. it started snowing shortly before the party and the kids actually got to go outside and build a snowman.

it's not huge, but they had fun. there were a few snowballs lobbed, including one square in my back from my bro--asshole : )

this year it was painfully obvious how old she is compared to her cousins. she and her friends gathered around the computer to "play" with the new webkinz she got and generally acted like one person moving from room to room together. one of the girls, the one that spent the night, has a boyfriend and i kid you not, every other sentence was oh johnny is so cute, i like johnny, i wonder what johnny is doing. i'm pretty surprised and scared by all of this because this little girl, whom we've known for years, is so not the boyfriend type--at least i didn't think so. by that i mean that she's never shown an interest in them and really seems to have a level head on her shoulders. anyway, it's been interesting to watch them all interact. it's 10:05 sunday morning and the girls just got up.

at nearly 1 a.m. they were still giggling in the girl's room and the hubs and the boy had moved to the couch to have what i can only assume was guy time--staying up late and watching tv---because the boy was feeling a little left out. i woke up around 3ish and the girls were finally asleep and the boys were crashed on the couch. i turned off all the lights and went back to bed.

my grandma came to the party yesterday. my mom brought up my vision quest and my grandma proceeded to tell me (bless her forgetful heart) that yes, she has glaucoma and my aunt has cataracts and my paw-paw had cataracts and everyone in her family was blind--ok, not really but just about. she also said that since she's lived here in nc (which is not as long as the 15 years we've been here) that there have been several times that it snowed 10 inches in one day. wonder were i was on those days cos i sure as hell missed some good snows. i hope my dad and aunt win this time in convincing her to move in with them (part time with one, part time with the other) because she's really starting to scare me. i don't think it's safe for her to live alone. thankfully she's resigned to the fact she can't drive and is actually talking about selling her car. whoever buys it will get a helluva deal cos it's like 10 years old with about 30,000 miles on it or something crazy like that.

off to make the girls' some breakfast. happy sunday : )

Friday, January 18, 2008

hairy issues

dear lord i think one of my best friends and the hubs might end up in a knock down drag out fight : ) nah, not really. if you're up for a heated political debate check out broad minded (link on the right). i am so not politically minded and have no idea who i'm going to vote for. i hate politics and honestly, for the most part do not feel my vote matters that much. i don't like politicians, regardless of their views. i feel like it's all a game and the one with the most money and muscle wins. that's my cynical view. my naive, rose-colored glasses view is that politics should be like on west wing and matt santos should be president.

having said that--i will dip my toe in the water by voicing some of my opinions on hot issues.

abortion---before i had kids i was pro-choice. after kids---i have a tougher time with it. i think if there is a danger to the life of the baby or the mother it should be an option, like in the first month at the latest. partial birth? no, i don't think that's right at all.

gay marriage---i think anyone should be able to marry anyone they want regardless.

welfare---so much needs fixed with that system. it seems it's either all or nothing. why can't there be a middle ground? you need a little help for a little while, ok, but you better be getting a job and getting off the dole within a set time period. you shouldn't get to ride the gravy train and get free health care etc. and more benefits the more kids you have. i would have had more kids if i could have afforded it but i couldn't so i didn't.

immigration---i think if you want to live here you need to go through the proper channels to do so legally. if you are here illegally you need to go home and start the process legally. i do not think you should get free health care, etc. i do not think we should have to start having road signs, etc. in any other language. if i went to live in france or china or germany i would not expect the country to accommodate me, i would need to change to fit into it.

i think every vote should count, not have an electoral college; i think independents should get the same voice as dems and reps; i think it shouldn't matter how much money you have--you shouldn't have to be rich to run for public office, you should just have good, executable ideas; i don't think there should be huge tax loop holes for big companies; i don't think drug companies and insurance companies should have all the power they do; i think there probably is a cure for cancer out there and it's been held back because they make too much money on treating it the way things are now; i think there should be art and music in schools and that the schools should be governed locally not nationally.

enough on that for now. if you want to know my opinion on an issue ask and i'll try to respond.

another hairy issue:
the girl's bday party is scheduled for tomorrow, complete with a sleepover. we are expecting another snow storm. ok, 1-3 inches but for us that could get ugly. though i desperately want snow i hope it waits until after her party. you only turn 11 once.

last hairy issue:
i am finally getting my hair done on monday. i'm thinking of getting a nice dorothy hamill or something : 0 nah, i'm kidding. i am going to get some of it cut, it's looking too big hair 80s though i don't have bangs. and some highlights. i hate hair.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

this that and the other thing

first, thanks to those of you who've kept reading and commenting while i've waded through this funk/slump/bitchfest/pityparty i've been having. i'm sure it wasn't fun/pleasant/enjoyable reading (why am i writing like my friend sneal?)

i think i rounded the corner of sanity today and am feeling better. perhaps it's because of things coming together with the conference. perhaps it's thanks to the attentions of the hubs last night. whatever the reason i knew i'd turned the corner when i put a cd in the cd player on the way to work this morning. i've discovered that when i'm really down and losing my mind i turn away from music for some reason. odd, you'd think i'd be the complete opposite. it's subconscious really. maybe it's because during those times my mind is so full, even if it is full of crap, that i can't let myself experience the music? i don't know. but i find it interesting that i do that. today it was hot justin timberlake i was listening to. yum. i'm still stuck on that sexyback song dammit.

another thing i'm stuck on now is that jon & kate plus 8 show on tlc and the discovery channel. here's what a nerd i am. after we watched the two new episodes the other night i got online to read message boards about the show. sheesh. total geek huh? : ) i can't even imagine that i'd ever in a million years be able to handle 8 kids, especially six 3 year olds. the thing that bothers me about the show is the couple--i often think they don't like each other. they're snappy. but hell, the hubs and i snap at each other sometimes and we only have two.

this evening i was catching up on some blogs i read. some i read because i love the writing style and story telling abilities. some i read for the wtf factor. i totally do not mean to sound judgemental at all because i'm a firm believer in the grass is greener on the other side theory, but some of these stay at home with very young kids moms blow my mind. they're shopping at target every day, are online blogging for hours at a time on not one but two blogs and then there's this whole community of them who've formed "secret" blogs because their family/friends know about their real blogs. really? then they talk about how they don't have time to cook dinner or whatever. ok. i realize my kids aren't babies and things are much busier when you have babies but if you have hours to spend shopping at target and blogging you can damn well make some dinner. what the hell?

our little neck of north carolina is under a winter warning tonight---mrs. a will laugh at this i'm sure---we may get a whopping.....TWO INCHES OF SNOW. i know, ridiculous. there are actually some school systems already calling in a two hour delay tomorrow. i am so hoping for a big ol' fluffy snow though. i want to build a snow man. i want to hear/smell/feel the snow. my poor kids hardly know what it looks like. they've known maybe two snows in their lives. sad really.

they currently are driving me crazy. they're watching american idol and being rowdy during the commercials. the hubs is sacked out on the couch in the living room. he was a bit testy this evening. you'd think after i rocked his world last night he'd have been much much nicer.
this is what i'm hoping for tomorrow : ) the girl's teachers said if they wore their pajamas inside and out and backwards we'd get snow.

Come together...right now....over me

i have a question and i promise i'm not trying to get all in people's business or do one of those tmi posts that some of you cringe over.

you can post comments anonymously if you like on this one.

i'm just curious about orgasms and how frequently they are achieved (in a couple situation) simultaneously? i've read the articles on how so many women rarely even reach orgasm, which saddens me to no end and would totally frustrate the hell out of me personally, so i'm thinking given that number simultaneous orgasms aren't that common.

yes? no?

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

i think i can i think i can

ok, so i'm not the little engine that could but i am slowly, very slowly still inching out of that funk that very nearly drove me to therapy or medication. by no means do i think i'm out of the woods because i still wake up in the middle of the night thinking about work and i'm still a bit freaked out about certain aspects of my stupid job, but i'm working on it.

i know big t will ask me if i've applied for a job she sent me info on and no i haven't. as much as this one is making me sick right now i don't really want to go back into marketing. i hated that too. maybe i'm too picky? plus i realized something. when my big boss told me i freaked him out because of my bi-polarness, i mean inconsistencies, i realized that i'm confident and happy with the writing/editing part (cept for so much travel) but it's that conference part that freaks me out and that i have no clue about.

today was partly good because i pretty much filled the panels that were the root of this whole thing. now for the consumer panel but that shouldn't be as hard.

however, another little interesting thing popped up today. remember all the shit i had been going through with my eyes, getting the right contacts, yada yada yada that went on for months? well i had a checkup w/ the eye doctor this morning for those pesky cataracts he found this summer. apparently, though they are a pretty petal shape he said, they have also gotten worse. still not to the point of needing surgery, but they've changed in three months. so i get to go back again in three months. he then asked me what my heritage is. wtf? uh, german for sure and some other stuff. why? well he said, Scandinavian people along with irish and scottish have a higher percentage of having this certain, uncommon type of glaucoma that my particularly lovely type of cataracts could be an early sign of. nice huh? so on the way back to work i call my mom. hey, what are we? oh, german and irish on the her side and irish, scottish and cherokee on my dad's (ok, so i'm like 1/32nd cherokee, like you could ever tell that--me paley mcpale pale LOL). and my dad and his mom had cataracts and my other maw-maw had glaucoma. however, my doctor said i probably don't have that glaucoma, he just wants to monitor me for it and if indeed i do have to have cataract surgery on down the line it's really no biggie. ok but still, we're talking about my eyes here. it's one thing to wear glasses/contacts since seventh grade, but seriously? blindness? i understand though that one of the treatments for glaucoma is prescription marijuana, so hey, it's not all that bad! LOL

i added another blog to my list on the right, yet another good friend has entered the blogland. now i can learn about sports and politics. yeah me : )

Monday, January 14, 2008

Monday Monday

can't trust that day,
Monday Monday, sometimes it just turns out that way
Oh Monday morning, you gave me no warning of what was to be
Oh Monday Monday, how could you leave and not take me.

hey folks. it's the fourteenth day of january in a year that is supposed to be a good one for us. by all calculations this was going to be a great year. so far it sucks balls big time.

three people in our office got laid off today. not any of my close friends, thank goodness, but it's still not a comforting thought. we're all expendable.

i'm slowly crawling out of this funk that's been hanging over me. my stomach was upset all day yesterday thinking about returning to work today. it's this conference. it and everything that surrounds it. i could do my job so much better if i didn't have this damn conference hanging over me like the shadow of death. everything suck ass about my job is tied to this some how. i know that my job is not my life but damn it's hard not to let it bring me down. i've been antsy and anxious. i wake up in the middle of the night thinking about work. it's always in the back of my mind.

on a brighter note--the girl, my first born, turns 11 this week. once again she has somehow conned us into a lengthy celebration. her actually birthday is thursday so we're going out to dinner. she initially wanted a friend party on saturday, complete with a sleepover and then the family party on sunday. we've talked her into combining the parties on saturday. oy vey.

and the thing is, part of my life is going so very well. the hubs is doing a great job as the cfo. i actually think he gets off on it : ) personally we're doing great. he's still sporting the beard, though i think it will be gone soon. he says it's uncomfortable. itchy. i'm fine if he shaves it, he still looks hot with the glasses.

so i've added another blog to my list on the right. a good friend of mine finally joined the blogosphere and she is much, much more politically minded than i am. she's down right informed and intelligent about the topic, regardless of which side of the fence you're on. i'm still undecided frankly.

i so need a huge dose of stress relief.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

can't sleep

ok, so it's like 12:40. i should go to sleep but i can't so you get two posts tonight. lucky you : )

things that trouble me:

chicken. i hate cooking chicken. if i think about it too much it really grosses me out. well, really meat of any kind, but especially chicken. the skin, the meat, it really is disgusting.

escalators. before i started this job i didn't really travel much at all. since i'm not a shopper we really don't do malls much. i never came in contact with escalators much. god, that sounds so sheltered but if you think about it, if you don't live in a big city or go to malls or airports etc. how many times a day does one ride an escalator? going up on escalators i'm fine. no problem. but going down? they freak me the hell out. i hate the really long ones. those are bad. i can't look down while i'm riding them. and, if you have an escalator that is very open, say in an atrium area like in a trade show building or a hotel, those are the worst. i pause getting on them and then try to find somewhere to rest my eyes while i'm going down. i feel like i'm falling, like i have no balance etc. and if my hands are full that makes it like ten times worse.

over instead of more than. i hate when people say over 30 something or over ten thousand etc. you hear it in commercials all the time. over 30 colors in stock blah blah blah. more than, it's more than folks.

i must be getting old because driving at night, especially in a different city makes me uneasy.

being away from home this week has made me sad. you'd think by now i'd be used to the travel and even though donut and i have been together, which has made it bearable, i'm sad not to be crawling into bed w/ the hubs tonight.

i feel like there's something bubbling inside me that i can't grasp. am i going through that midlife crisis i've heard about? i am questioning everything i do, every decision i make. i'm second guessing myself. i don't like that. i don't like this uneasy feeling i have lurking under the surface all the time now. is it just the job and the issues i'm having there? i don't know.

i think i've alluded to this before or have had conversations with some of you before about this but i always felt like eventually people are going to discover the real me and it's not going to be good. i feel like i've lucked into every job i've gotten and that i'm really not a talented writer and i really am not good at what i do. it's like i've been bluffing all along and now my bluff has been called and i don't know what to do. when i was younger and something got too hard for me i'd quit. piano lessons for example. i took them when i was in third grade. when it got to the point where it became hard i gave up. school--math got too hard for me so i gave up and settled for the c's i got in algebra two and trig. in college i feel like i took the easy road--liberal arts. that's the degree that the fucked up kids who don't know how to commit get through college. now with this job they're asking for more, expecting more from me and i'm thinking of giving up. what does that say about me?

wow, we're getting deep here tonight huh? late night posting usually works that way, all the demons come out. here's another thing. i've had babies on the brain a lot lately. like duh right because of the industry i'm in and because donut and my sil are expecting. i've jokingly said to the hubs a few times, don't you want to have another baby? and he quickly says no. of course in reality i don't want to. ok, yes, a small, deep dark corner of my heart would so love to have another baby. i loved being pregnant. i loved knowing i had a life inside me. yes it's hard work, the diapers and late nights and the entire way it changes your life but omg it's incredible. but of course our house isn't big enough for three kids and mine are more than i can handle at times. plus even if by some miracle the hubs really and truly wanted to have one and the thought stayed in my head for more than a second there would be some work to be done before we could even think about it since i had my tubes tied when the boy was born.

i think i would really benefit from seeing a therapist.

late night

after a long day of working the show i had a work dinner this evening. donut didn't so she got room service and hung out in the room. my dinner was at 7:30 so i naively thought i'd be back by around 10 at least. it is midnight and i've just gotten in.

my room key wouldn't work. i had a west wing flash back. for those of you who've been reading awhile you know of my west wing obsession. so, during the santos/vinnick campaign there's this episode where josh repeatedly has trouble with his key card and getting into his room. this was my dilemma this evening. i tried it. nothing. i tried it for about five minutes then i started knocking on the door. donut was asleep. i knocked some more. i called her on her cell. poor thing i woke her up to let me in.

now it's midnight and i'm tired but not yet ready for sleep.

dinner was fine but it's hard when there are like 9 people to actually have a conversation with anyone other than those sitting right beside you. i wanted to sit near this one person since he is going to be a speaker at my conference but it didn't end up that way. i wish i could blurt out here who it is but that would be probably telling too many details about work and this is anonymous after all. suffice it to say that many people would probably recognize him. he's on a popular tv design show.

during my time here in atlanta the conference has sort of been on hold. lucky me when i get back in the office on monday i'll have the joy of contending with that.

when i talked to the hubs this evening before i came up to the room he informed me that when he was at my mom's this evening my dumb ass sister backed her mini van into his car in my parent's driveway. that is the second time our car has been hit in that damn driveway. the first time my dad did it several years ago. fuck fuck fuck. i cannot even believe that shit.

i'm ready for a vacation please and thank you. life is not going that wonderfully right now and i really really thought 2008 was going to be a great year for us. i guess i should take solace in the fact that the important things in my life are going great. i couldn't be happier with the hubs and the kids. really they are my saving graces.

maybe it really is time for me to find a new job and move on, though when i'm at shows, talking to vendors etc. i feel like i know what i'm doing. it's just the damn conference that kicks my ass.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

live from peachtree center

or peachtree street or something peachtree, everything here in atlanta is peachtree something. very confusing i tell ya. however, the hubs gave me his gps for the drive down here and let me tell you, that think rocks my world. garmin is my new boyfriend. i've used them before in rentals but i don't know if it's just this model or what but it is awesome. if you miss a turn it recalculates and still gets you where you need to go. woohoo.

i wish i could say the same for the other technology i'm relying on this week. it took me for fucking ever to get the computer hooked up in the hotel, hence the reason no blog from me last night. and my stupid cell phone. at&t bites ass. i need verizon so the grey coat nerd and all his friends can follow me around.

our drive down yesterday was uneventful, unlike the last time several years ago that donut and i tried to get here. what should have taken us 5 hours last time took like 6 or 7. we were misdirected. garmin got us here just fine in our granny car. it's a big ass mercury marquis. i feel like my grandma driving it but it is a smooth ride.

9pm and we're both back from our respective work dinners, in our jammies watching the tube. we're like two little old ladies : )

i would get donut to blog tonight too but she's wrapped up in celebrity apprentice : ) she'll be asleep before it's over i bet : ) her first trade show w/ a bun in the oven. i told her that this time next year she'll be calling home checking on munchkin instead of the dog. i so can't wait : )

things you get used to--features on the tv. we have dish network at home and it has a button to push for the guide and the pause tv stuff etc. i didn't realize how much i used that until i watch tv that doesn't have it. yeah, i'm spoiled.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

now they know

ok, so i put on my big girl panties today and went in to talk to my big boss about the disastrous meeting friday and the fact that he put my boss in charge of my conference. for those of you who know me in real life, you know this in itself was a hurdle because i so do not do confrontation well and i really really really do not know how to play the corporate game or even fake it.

with my old boss (whom i'm beginning to miss more and more) when i had an issue i'd go into her office, bitch, cry and let it ok and be ok. very unprofessional but she kept me anyway.

for the record i did not cry during this meeting but it did take an ass load of effort.

i voiced my opinion, tried to state my case without sounding like i was making excuses and though the outcome did not go as i would have liked i think things are ok. they are not good but i am not getting fired.

i'll try not to rehash every word of it but in essence he said that i have some growing to do in my position. he loved me in my previous position, thought i was strong under my old boss. he does not see that in me in this position. he admitted that they threw me into this job that was probably more than i realized at the time and basically leave me alone until it's conference time and then they come in and panic and poke a stick at me and hound me and it's not fair to me. duh. he also said i freak him out because sometimes (like w/ our redesign and when i banged the gong for journalism) i come in there all confident and sure of myself and professional and then we have meetings like friday where i act like a kid that comes into class without their homework done. he said my inconsistency scares him. helllllloooooo, welcome to my world dude. he said i need to have tougher skin because this is business. he said he is still confident that i can grow into this position (though i need to stop asking if i'm getting fired or he will fire me) but that i do have some growing to do.

soooo....what does this mean? it means i'm not getting fired but that i need to step up my game with the confidence. i need to be professional. dear lord i don't even know how to go about doing that.

i naively thought this little quirk of mine would at some point endear me to my bosses. that i was not corporate like but that that was a breath of fresh air. hmmm....apparently not so. i thought i'd show my strength by going in to talk to him today, that that's what he wanted all along, for me to stand up and talk to him about it, but alas no. lesson learned.

i'm not eating worms (as the hubs would say) just reflecting---i have come face to face with a lot of things i don't like about myself these last several weeks. the procrastination, the lack of confidence and i guess it's time for me to face these things and stop burying my head in the sand. perhaps i'm going through a growth spurt? : ) much like kids do. and, i guess it really is true that we never stop learning, growing, etc. and in fact though i thought i was done indeed i am not. i can see you may not be following me. it's like a cake. i thought i was done and decorated and sitting on the bakery shelf. apparently i just came out of the oven and have a few more steps to go. ok, that was incredibly lame but i've got too much to do this evening to try to fix that metaphor.

donut and i leave tomorrow for atlanta. though i hate going out of town right now, i am looking forward to hanging out with my sister/friend : ) even if it is only to trade the crossword puzzle back and forth as we veg out and watch tv after a long day at the show. you know you're in tune with someone when you can sit in comfortable silence for hours at a time and share a crossword.

maybe we will do a tag team blog, live from hotlanta : )

if i don't have time to blog cos i'm being all business like and professional, try not to trash the place while i'm gone. and start thinking about tips to give me on how to become more tough skinned and professional. lord you'd think growing up w/ my dad my skin would be ultra tough, but no.

Monday, January 7, 2008

ok, i read this blog from time to time because it often cracks me up. it's sort of a mommy blog but not exclusively. anyway, the woman is apparently in love with target, and damn aren't we all but, damn! she bought an ass load of shoes for her daughter cos they were on sale. the same three pair in a multitude of sizes. wow. the funniest post she's written recently though was about her "breakup" w/ her boyfriend target. i laughed a lot at that one.

shirts and skins

so we're sitting at dinner this evening and the boy, yet again, comes to the table without a shirt on. just to recap, the boy likes not wearing clothes. as soon as he gets home in the evenings the shirt comes off. i have to admit, this doesn't bother me and actually makes me smile a little bit because, odd as it may be to some people, my grandpa used to do this ALL the time. the few pictures i have of him he's not wearing a shirt. anyway, back to the story.

this is not acceptable to the hubs. he told the boy he needs to wear a shirt to dinner. the boy then informed us that he has named his...wait for it, yes, i hurl when i hear it but the kids think this word is hysterical...titties. god, i hate that word. he's named his "titties" bob and fred. (ya know, people just cannot make up the shit that comes out of kids mouths sometimes). ok. so he's named them. back to the conversation about putting on a shirt for dinner.

then the girl chimes in how it's not fair that the boy gets to run around the house without a shirt on and she should get to do the same thing. the boy said, no, cos you have girl titties. by this point i'm just flabbergasted and have said don't say titties about 20 times. they laugh every time. i'm laughing. the hubs is laughing. the girl says ok, if what if i just wore a bra. (granted her bras are like t shirts but still). egads it really won't get any better will it?

so i am feeling a bit better today (see yesterday's comments). mrs. a--thanks for making me feel like i'm a normal mom : ) knowing that i'm not the only one who has a hard time juggling things really makes me feel better. GP and the Hubs---i love you guys : ) i really do have the most incredible husband ya know. he even offered to have people taken out--he knows people. of course we won't result to those measures but it's nice to have a back up plan. ; )

folks, it really isn't that my job is my identity. at least i don't think it is. i realize that jobs come and go and the most important things in my life are right here with me, watching tv and snoozing on the sofa. i guess it's just that i've not really sucked at stuff before. ok, THAT sounds totally arrogant. what i mean is, i did well in school. i got good grades, it came easy to me and i did well. i haven't loved every job i had but i can remember a boss not being pleased with me. ok, there was the sexist pig at one of my former jobs but he had it out for our whole staff (of women) so that doesn't count. i just feel that in this job, no matter how relaxed i get, how comfortable and competent i begin to feel they come along and pull the rug out from under me.

i had to tell my "employees" (though they do not report to me they are my staff) all two of them what was going on today because one was in the meeting and because i roll like that. we're such a small staff they have to know what's going on. it was reassuring, even if it was preaching to the choir, that they feel my pain and that they think i'm doing a good job. of course there's always the...well, she's the boss like we're going to tell her she sucks...but they could just not say anything.

long story short, though it's really not short, i do feel some what better. i do know that i am doing the best i can and that if something does happen and i get fired it won't kill me and i will find something else and, more importantly, my friends and family won't give a shit.

Sunday, January 6, 2008

bitch session

i've spent the better part of the weekend feeling sorry for myself and pensive. normally when i have a day like friday, the meeting from hell, i get pissed off and then get over it. i may stew for awhile but it doesn't rock my confidence like it did friday.

to top it off i missed getting to be a chaperon for the girl's fifth grade trip to williamsburg in may. i don't know if it was my fault or what. i thought i'd turned in my forms but either that was from last year or the teacher and i miscommunicated. anyway, i can't go. the girl is still going and she is a bit upset that i can't go. strike two.

2008 is the year the finances changed hands. the hubs is the new cfo. this is a good thing in many ways. for years i've been the one paying the bills, juggling the finances, stressing out every month. he was/is always more the big picture guy getting us out of trouble, finding money in a jam, etc. my procrastination has often cost us money and he is much, much better at numbers and organization than i am. so he's taken over. however, because of my procrastination and juggling a few things fell through the cracks and things are going to be tight for awhile. strike three.

work, the girl and the money. all things i screwed up with my procrastination, at least partly. work, i can't really say it's all procrastinating because i have been working on my conference off and on since i found out it was going to be in march and not june. there's just so much i can do.

i really have been sick about all of this this weekend. upset stomach, not very talkative, mostly lost in thought about work. it has really sucked actually. i'm near tears just about all the time, and no it's not pms. it just fucking sucks being me right now.

i have realized that if it weren't for the hubs i think i would quickly become my sister and/or mother. they get overwhelmed, avoid things, sleep, slip into depressions. i could totally have done all of those things this weekend if it weren't for him and the kids. god that scares me. terrifies me actually.

don't get me wrong. i know there are parts of my job that i do well. but after that meeting i just felt like i walked out of college and walked into a situation i had no clue about. and i worry that the big boss thinks this about me. the queen of evil? i don't really care anymore what she thinks of me because even last year, even when my agenda rocked she found fault.

i know i say this from time to time, but i am beginning to wonder if it's time for me to really look for a new job. i'm so not right for the job i'm in. why couldn't i have left well enough alone and stayed in my old position, even though i was practically bored to tears? true, i don't think i could work for the editor that took over after my old boss retired, but at least in that job i had already proved myself and was somewhat respected for what i did. here, god, i feel like i'm starting out all over again every year. there is no comfort zone.

the thing is, though the health insurance got worse this year and i rarely get to take all of the vacation days i have and i travel too much, it is good. i mean few jobs will let you bring your kids in to work when daycare is closed or things have gone awry. i can pretty much come and go as i please. i have a retirement account that i don't put a dime into. and, other than once or twice a year, the powers that be don't fuck with me too much. it's the conference. if i didn't have that to do i think my job would be 50% better. i think i'd rather do an extra issue each year rather than a conference, i really do.

so, it's sunday night and i'm trying to brace myself for the next two days. i have to fill two panels and get one more speaker before i leave for atlanta on wednesday. the good thing about atlanta is that donut and i will be driving down together and then rooming together while we're there.

in the midst of ALL of this shit i didn't call my bro on jan. 3 to wish him a happy birthday : ( so, if you're reading and if my fragile brain forgets to call again tomorrow, HAPPY 33rd BIRTHDAY bro. you rock and i love you.

Friday, January 4, 2008

horrible day

don't you hate when you're going along, minding your own business, thinking you're doing your job well and wham! you get the wind knocked out of you?

that was my day today.

the conference is looming. i was feeling good about my agenda. speakers lined up. good speakers. a speaker with a big name. speakers for free. two panel topics, though granted no panelists. i'm working on that part but have had no confirmations yet. so of course the entire focus of the conf. meeting today was on the panels and if my topics were relevant and we have 60 days and i need to get panelists and why don't i know my industry better.

yes. good day. i walked out of the meeting wanting to cry but i didn't. i hate meetings like that. i hate feeling like i don't know what the hell i'm doing. like i don't belong in the job i'm doing. today sucked ass in a major way.

to top it off i think the time has come to hide our toys. the girl found something she shouldn't have. dear lord i thought the hubs was going to bust a blood vessel.

oh yeah, we had been without power also. woke up thursday morning and no power. it was out almost all over town. until 10 pm last night. it was not a good day.

the weekend has to be better.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

back to the grind

first day back to work after being off so long. it sucks.

we went to my bro/sil's for new year's eve and got home before the stroke of midnight so the kids could drink some sparkling grape juice and watch the ball drop. the hubs and the bro drank but i was the dd.

overall the break was good. i feel like we got a lot done on the house, de-assing that is. we're poised for a good 2008.

the girl's glasses are officially lost but fortunately insurance will cover a new pair for this calendar year.

my friend gp is blogging now : ) i'm so happy. i won't pretend to understand a lot of the things she will write about, she's much more politically minded than i am, but i will enjoy it anyway : ) and i know the hubs will get a huge kick out of it since they are political opposites. let the games begin.

next week i'm off to atlanta for work. blech.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

the list for 2008

i will not call these resolutions, it's just my to do list for the year. yes yes, i will do other things this year, but these are just, ya know, things i want to do that don't revolve around others. i could make these like our stupid, hateful, pointless, pdp's at work (personal developmental poop--i don't know what it really stands for) where you have to set the goal AND how it will be measured AND when it will be measured--but of course i won't cos that's just sadistic.

1. read more books--can i tear myself away from the computer long enough to read at least one a month? c'mon, raise the barre.

2. weight--still tackling it but i'm going to say lose another size not pounds.

3. learn to cook one new thing really, really well.

4. carry overs from 2007---figure out the damn mp3 player; get film developed

5. commit to a hair color. here's the problem i was born blond but the older i get the darker it gets and dammit i just don't look right with brown hair. through the years i've had it colored or highlighted and more often than not i've done it myself, and often that has been quite amusing (afterwards, in pictures when i was able to laugh at myself). i hate the thought of having to maintain a color but i don't know if i hate the thought of being a brunette worse. not that there's anything wrong w/ brunettes, why, some of my best friends are brunettes : ), but i've seen pictures of me w/ all brown hair and i don't like it.

6. the hubs (i told him i was working on my to do list for 2008 and he asked that i put him on it)