Tuesday, September 28, 2010

this explains so much

firegirl sent me this in an email recently and it obviously struck a chord with me. i feel compelled to share it. i read over this list and thought--omg, this is ME.

common characteristics of adult children of alcoholics

• Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal is. (uh, all the damn time.)
• Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty in following a project through from beginning to
end. (YES. hello unfinished afghan, novel, scrapbooks, etc.)
• Adult children of alcoholics lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth. (been there done that, but i don't do this anymore.)
• Adult children of alcoholics judge themselves without mercy. (i'm my worst critic.)
• Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty having fun. (i don't THINK i do, but the hubs had told me through the years that i've fogotten how to do this.)
• Adult children of alcoholics take themselves very seriously.
• Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty with intimate relationships. (hmmm...explains a lot about my ability to be a friend.)
• Adult children of alcoholics over-react to changes over which they have no control. (as in my life for the last two years?)
• Adult children of alcoholics constantly seek approval and affirmation. (YES! tell me i did a good job--even if it was just cleaning the house and cooking dinner. i crave nice words.)
• Adult children of alcoholics feel that they are different from other people. (if by different they mean i think i'm more fucked up than everyone else, then yes.)
• Adult children of alcoholics are either super responsible or super irresponsible. (hmmm...i wouldn't say super, but i can be a bit of both.)
• Adult children of alcoholics are extremely loyal even in the face of evidence that the loyalty
is undeserved. (ah yes. the hubs has told me this when i've defended friends who've wronged me or my parents.)
• Adult children of alcoholics look for immediate rather than deferred gratification. (i don't think i'm impatient when it comes to THINGS; i'm probably impatient when it comes to other forms of gratification.)
• Adult children of alcoholics lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious
consideration to alternate behaviors or possible consequences.
• Adult children of alcoholics seek tension and crisis and then complain about the results.
• Adult children of alcoholics avoid conflict or aggravate it; rarely do they deal with it.(this is me, head in the sand all the time.)
• Adult children of alcoholics fear rejection and abandonment, yet are rejecting of others. (i think i fear rejection from other people, not my close people, if that makes sense.)
• Adult children of alcoholics fear failure, but sabotage their success. (i have been doing this all my life and have no idea how to break this cycle. i am a HORRIBLE procrastinator. HORRIBLE)
• Adult children of alcoholics fear criticism and judgment, yet criticize and judge others.
• Adult children of alcoholics manage time poorly and do not set priorities in a way that works
well for them. (this goes hand-in-hand w/ my procrastinating.)

In order to change, adult children of alcoholics cannot use history as an excuse for continuing
their behaviors. They have no regrets for what might have been, for their experiences have
shaped their talents as well as their defects of character. It is their responsibility to discover these talents, to build their self-esteem and to repair any damage done. They will allow themselves to feel their feelings, to accept them, and learn to express them appropriately. When they have begun those tasks, they will try to let go of their past and get on with the business of their life.

The Problem
Many of us found that we had several characteristics in common as a result of being brought up
in an alcoholic household. We had come to feel isolated, uneasy with other people, and especially authority figures. To protect ourselves, we became people pleasers, even though we lost our own identities in the process. All the same, we would mistake any personal criticism as a threat.
We either became alcoholics ourselves or married them or both. Failing that, we found another
compulsive personality, such as a workaholic, to fulfill our sick need for abandonment. We lived life from the standpoint of victims. Having an over-developed sense of responsibility, we preferred to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. We somehow got guilt feelings
when we stood up for ourselves rather than giving in to others. Thus, we became reactors, rather than actors, letting others take the initiative. We were dependent personalities --terrified of abandonment--willing to do almost anything to hold onto a relationship in order not to be abandoned emotionally. Yet we kept choosing insecure relationships because they matched our childhood relationship with alcoholic parents. These symptoms of the family problem of alcoholism made us "co-victims"--those who take on the characteristics of the problem without necessarily ever taking a drink. We learned to keep our feelings down as children and kept them buried as adults. As a result of this conditioning, we confused love with pity, tending to love those we could rescue. Even more self defeating, we became addicted to excitement in all our affairs, preferring constant upset to workable relationships.
This is a description, not an indictment.

Monday, September 27, 2010

family ties

this weekend we went to wv for one of my cousins' weddings. we had a really great time, but when i asked the boy about how much fun he'd had he said, well, i don't mean to be mean but i've had more fun with the other stuff than the reason we actually came here (the wedding). this is the first time we've ever gone "home" and stayed in a hotel--the aunt we would have stayed w/ was the mother of the groom so of course we weren't going to impose on her. staying in the hotel was pretty nice though because there was an indoor pool and hot tub and workout room. we swam every day! my bro and his family (and my sis and her family) and one of my aunts and uncles were also at the hotel. (i checked, no bedbugs. at least i didnt' see any signs of them.)

most of the family was at the wedding. my mom comes from a family of 7--she's one of four sisters, they have a brother and two step brothers (one died when i was in college). mom is the oldest. all of her siblings have kids and i'm the oldest of that crew--the youngest is 16. the cousin that got married is in his early 20s and i remember him as a toddler when i was in college. such a long time ago.

the wedding was nice, although the setup was unlike any i'd ever been too. the wedding and reception were at a women's club, we could see the state capital from the street. there were tables set up for the wedding, rather than rows of seats, that doubled as your table for the reception. interesting (and i'm sure cost saving) setup. it was curious, but not surprising, to see which families sat at which tables. my mom & sister sat with the aunt my mom is closest too; the alma-mater crew (my uncle and his sons & their families) sat with my youngest aunt & her family and my uncle (who's the step brother) sat near our table, which was my brother's family and mine. the bridesmaids wore chocolate brown--which i loved. the ceremony was short and simple. afterwards they did a couple's dance and a father/daughter dance (and the hubs CRIED! ha!). later i asked my aunt why no mother/son dance and she said he didn't want to. (i've already informed the boy that when he gets married we're dancing, whether he wants to or not). aside from that there was no other dancing or music. odd. during the reception the hubs (or maybe it was one of my kids) asked my aunt/motherofthegroom, if she cried during the ceremony and she said no, i'm heavily medicated. really? (i come from a long line of medicators.) i told the hubs i know i'll be a sobbing basket case at both of my kids' weddings, but dammit i want to FEEL those emotions, not be zoned out. sheesh.

i guess the biggest "secret" of the day was that the bride is pregnant. this was not the reason for the wedding---they've been dating for years and got engaged last summer/fall? and i think she turned up pregnant a month ago? of course it wasn't discussed at all and probably if you didn't know you couldn't tell. for the record--she's not the first person in our family to be knocked up on her wedding day.

my kids of course do not know half of these people and were asking me all weekend, how are we related to so-and-so? who is so-and-so's dad? etc.

friday night we had dinner w/ my uncle (the step brother) and aunt and my grandpa (who's the step uncle's dad). every time i see them i remember how much i like them and wonder why we don't visit them. they are a lot like us in that they are the black sheep of the family from their generation. they moved away from wv early on. they rose above the drama that is part of the fabric of the family. i don't know the details, but i do know there were hard feelings between this uncle and my grandma and grandpa. my grandparents were married for probably 40+ years (my maternal gpa had died when my youngest aunt was still a baby) and i think during a lot of that time my step uncles lived w/ their mom.

the hubs took full advantage of the "gym" at the hotel and actually got up at 7am on saturday to work out. we swam and hung out w/ my bro, sil and the kids most of the time. saturday afternoon we went to the wedding and then later went to my aunt's house (mother of the groom) to eat and visit w/ family. it was fine. everyone kept saying how much the girl looks like me. w/ so many people around i didn't have to spend much time at all w/ my parents, which was even better.

our drive from nc to wv is only about 4-4 1/2 hours and we go through two tunnels to get there. every time we go through the second tunnel i pop in the john denver, country roads, song...and get all teary eyed. you enter the tunnel in va and come out in wv. i don't know why that song makes me cry, but it does (i could have put that on my music list firegirl!). the kids make fun of me. it's a tradition.

overall it was a good weekend, but i'm always glad to get home. it rained all the way home yesterday and it's rained all day today. we needed it. hopefully this means cooler temps are here to stay.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

brownies might cure everything

ok, so really, of course they don't. but the girl made brownies on sunday and i have had one.every.day. that is unlike me, really. i realize i am not twiggy, but i don't normally scarf down the cookies/cakes/brownies like one might suspect. but, i've been stressing about that damned car (which we have back now, thank you jeebus) and the dwindling savings.

i am desperately trying to wrap up a few of these freelance projects (which i should be doing right this damn minute instead of blogging) but my brain doesn't want to think about financial coaches and synonyms for natural and high-quality. blech.

plus the hubs threw me off my game today. his office was giving free flu shots. he made me get one. yuck. so he had to come home, get me, go to the office, get the shot, bring me home. he treated me w/ a quickie (one of the bennies of the kids being back in school. squee!) and then we went to pick up his car. so really, it's not that i've procrastinated today, i've been busy.

the boy is testing for his high brown belt tonight. it's a pretty big deal for him--he's been in karate right at a year now and already getting his high brown. he's about a year or even more, ahead of schedule. he's fierce.

i told you about reconnecting w/ my high school bff texas right? : ) we have been emailing like banshees, long here's everything about my life emails. i fucking love it. i read her emails and it's like the 20+ years just melted away. she was the cool one of the three of us. really. she was the prettiest and i think the most outgoing. even though she was smart she wasn't as nerdy as the rest of us. ah. i just love talking w/ her again. and? i sent her the link to my blog. i was scared at first. i mean, hello--the last time we were around each other every day was in high school. i was such a good girl then, i didn't really cuss. we weren't finished growing up when we parted, so it's interesting to learn about the people we've become. she still cracks me up and i can hear her laugh through the email.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

ah....that feels a little better

i needed a change of scenery around here. it is officially fall now, even though n.c. didn't get the memo and thinks it's still summer. hello, can we say above 90 degrees this week?

while i was playing around w/ the blog and trying to add some new pictures on the sidebar to keep you interested, i realized i need to take some new pics. the yard is brown and ugly (because of the above 90 degree weather) and all the summer flowers are dying off. so, no picture fodder there. i have tons of people pics but you know i don't like to share those here.

i am really, really, really, really (maybe if i say really enough times it will work) trying to avoid slipping into a pit of despair over this whole car thing because then i will start dwelling on the fact that i've been unemployed for so damn long and then i will start worrying about the fact that the savings/safety net will not last forever and whatwillwedowhenthatisgone...and on and on.

things will get better. right?? RIGHT??? ; )

Monday, September 20, 2010

this moment brought to you by acronyms

FML. seriously.

i recently came across this acronym when i was reading a particularly funny email to the hubs and the kids. fml. i had to google it. fuck.my.life.

i took the hubs to pick his car up earlier today. $956.32. fml.

this entire week it is supposed to be unusually hot here. 90+ degrees. fml.

i am tired of writing press releases. and rewriting press releases. fml.

the hubs just called and has to take the car WE JUST PICKED UP back because they air conditioner is not working. fml.

strange dreams

last night i dreamt that my former boss was mad at me. apparently i was still sort of working for my old company, though i had been out sick for awhile. when i came back to work said boss, who was never much on confrontation or dealing w/ issues or being a good manager, raised his bushy eyebrows at me when i asked him what was wrong. he said the big boss would talk to me about my absence and then he launched into a critique of my latest article and how i had not checked my facts and everything was wrong and somehow that had led to the collapse of a local economy.

yeah, i know, strange. stranger still was i felt the weight of that bushy brow stare so intensely my heart started racing and i woke up.

earlier this week i dreamt that texas (the long-lost high school friend) had twin boy toddlers. we have been catching up via email and she shared w/ me the fact that it took her a long time to get pregnant w/ her son (who is now four) and she miscarried last year and they were now trying for another baby. she does not seem frantic about wanting another child, if it happens it happens, and if she is not pregnant before her next birthday (february) they'll stop trying. then i go and dream she has twin boys. odd. i don't know whether to tell her this dream or not. whenever i dream about me (or someone else) having a baby or dream of them w/ a child they don't currently have, they usually have a baby.

a few weeks ago i dreamt that a former co-worker had an affair with my mom. gross. very gross. i had forgotten about this until i spoke w/ my mom yesterday. she was supposed to come to the girl's soccer game (they tied, 4 to 4) but couldn't because she was too depressed. i shit you not, that's what she told me. she said she's been seeing a doctor who is adjusting the levels of whatever medication she is taking and that the doctor suggests she see a psychologist. (i am not clear on what the differences are between a psychiatrist and psychologist and therapist, etc.) i really didn't even know how to process that information. in my head i was screaming---hello, i could have told you you were crazy years ago (and i'm pretty certain my brother suggested counseling to her many, many times). when i told the hubs he wondered if he (or we) were the cause of her depression. seriously that isn't even a load i'm remotely willing to pick up and carry. ever. her life is her life. i am not doubting that she made indeed have clinical issues and needs medication (i'm realizing this is probably more common in my family than i once suspected) but i also know that whatever it is that she is depressed about right this minute has been brought on by the decisions she's been making all of her life. growing up i always knew my grandma (her mom) took "nerve pills" but i never questioned it or thought twice about it.

this coming weekend we are going to one of my first cousin's wedding in wv. i am sort of looking forward to it because if nothing else it will get us out of town (something we've not been able to do much of). i'm not dying to see the extended family. i am curious if my mom will get over her depression by then or if she will bring that to the wedding.

we had a good (but hot) weekend. saturday morning was filled w/ errands and karate classes and saturday evening the bro, sil, gameboy and puddin' came over for dinner. poor puddin' was pretty pissed off that we weren't going swimming (pool is getting ready to be closed for the season).

sunday we slept in (our only day of the week to do so) and then the girl had a soccer game in the afternoon. it was HOT. hot and no shade. i know she was miserable out on that field but she did well. when we went for our walk in the neighborhood last night we saw a mama and baby deer. i was shocked. we live out in the county but it's not like we live OUT in the woods. i'm thinking that the back of our neighborhood is adjacent to fields and woods (which we can't tell for sure w/out walking in people's back yards).

Friday, September 17, 2010

ouch, my brain hurts

i just finished the last of four phone interviews i've done this week for the article i'm working on. it is supposed to be about this company's coaches giving its financial advisers tips for setting goals for the coming year. (WAKE UP...i know, you fell asleep at the mere thought of it didn't you?) try talking to four different people about it. i have discovered that they might just be grand-standing. i could write this information in possibly two paragraphs and yet it has to be 1400 words long. usually writing more than i need to is not a problem (in fact i most always over write) but this is going to be a challenge. blech.

the hubs' caddy heard i was freelancing and that there was going to be some additional money coming in so it decided to have issues. he was driving to an appointment yesterday and it died. like all the electrical stuff cut off and the car just stopped. ah. nice. so it is in the shop today and we should have it back, good as new, on monday. hundreds of dollars later. damn car.

the appointment the hubs was en route to yesterday was a check up w/ his cardiologist. since having the stent put in several years ago he has been seeing her once a year (except last year when he didn't and i can't remember why). she (and we) were pleasantly surprised and happy that his blood pressure is in the normal range. ha. most people would say, yeah, whoopty doo, what's so great about that? well, he's never been in the normal range. this is great. his ekg looked good and she's pleased w/ the recent changes he's made in his lifestyle (ie walking, eating better, actually taking all of his meds like he should). it's a great thing.

so far, between the two of us, we have lost the weight equivalent to my two-year old sweet niece puddin. : )

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

i'm a sprinter

my brain is trying to wrap itself around the freelance work i have to tackle.

the thoughts are swirling creating a funnel and in the process extraneous ideas are getting flung to the four corners like an F4 tornado (i looked it up--that's a devastating tornado w/ winds up to 207-260 mph) i think the wicked witch of the west just got tossed under a house.

i told you i've been reconnecting w/ a friend from high school right? it's great. brings back so many memories and it's fun to hear about what she's been doing for the last 20+ years. she has kept in touch w/ our art teacher from high school and for some reason the thought of that has led my brain on a rather circuitous path that has brought me to the conclusion that in the friendship realm i am a sprinter, not a long distance runner.

i think for a few years i am a TERRIFIC friend. i am a good listener. i am empathetic. sometimes funny, i can make you laugh. i can be thoughtful and attentive and offer you help when you need it. however, i don't think i do well for the long runs. i lose touch. i don't follow through. i used to blame this on the fact that i moved around a lot as a kid. every three years there were new friends, new situations and usually the kids you just finished 6th grade with didn't keep up w/ you for the next 30 years. but i'm beginning to think it might be more than that.

i kept in touch w/ our art teacher for several years. we exchanged christmas cards and an occasional letter. i honestly don't know who stopped sending cards first, me or her. but honestly i thought maybe the worst had happened and she died. when my friend texas said she still was still in touch w/ her it kind of took me off guard. the teacher is 80 now. texas said she calls her on a regular basis and keeps tabs on her. i think texas may be a long distance runner and not a sprinter like me.

i also discovered that the magazine i used to work for is probably going out of print soon. the rumors have been circulating since i was laid off--the company was sold, different pubs were shutting down, etc. the magazine was always the red-headed step child of a corporation that saw more value in some of the bigger books they published. this mag never really had a champion; if it did it would have been a much, much bigger success. don't get me wrong, among it's competitors it was number one, but compared to the other magazines under the family corporate umbrella it was the baby. anyway, come to find out the person who was editor before me is now freelancing for the soon-to-be-defunct pub. the negative, pessimistic, insecure side of me wonders why they didn't ask me to freelance instead. i think even though i was laid off i left under better circumstances than she did (several of the decision makers weren't exactly thrilled w/ her back then, hence the reason she was gone and i became the editor). however, i think maybe she's a long distance runner in this regard. i have to admit--once i got laid off i pretty much severed all contact w/ the company, except for a few friends i still speak to. i felt betrayed and hurt and....well, awful. i think the former editor maybe stayed on that proverbial radar better than i did though.

earlier i left a comment on drollgirl's blog and you will not fucking believe what my word verify was????? humpme. i'm not kidding, it was humpme. on hump day. how hysterical is that???

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

music and games my two favorite things

firegirl had a cool listy thing going on the other day and i had to steal it.

name the song that...(insert your answer here)

...you have to turn off the moment you hear it.
i can't think of one song off the top of my head; however, i can't abide crazy/heavy/acid metal where it is just screaming. oh, i have to turn off sheryl crow singing the first cut is the deepest--i can't stand for anyone else to sing rod.

...will wake you out of a deep sleep.
love shack, b52s

...makes you cry.
i'm a crier so on any given day it could be any given song. however, every single time i hear don't take the girl, tim mcgraw, i tear up. also, forever young, rod stewart, because i envision that song playing at both of my kids' weddings.

...makes you laugh.
that stupid i'm too sexy song, right said fred. really? the only thing worse is the video.

...reminds of your first love.
since this has been an ongoing love affair there are dozens of songs. pick a slow song from the 80s and it makes me think of the hubs. time after time, cyndie lauper; hard habit to break, chicago (actually, most all of the songs on that particular chicago album); against all odds, phil collins.

....was your wedding song.
the music we wanted didn't actually get played at the wedding but at the reception. everything i do i do for you, bryan adams; you're the inspiration, chicago. on our honeymoon we danced to wonderful tonight, eric clapton, so every time i hear that song i think of that night.

....makes you spontaneously dance.
hmmm, can't think of a recent time when i spontaneously danced.

...chill out to.
anything van morrison. the whole moondance cd works.

...enegizes you.
hmmm, this also could be van morrison depending on my mood.

...is your theme song.
drops of jupiter, train.

Monday, September 13, 2010

soccer, party, work and more

saturday was the girl's first soccer game. for those of you who've been reading for awhile you know that i/we are not sporty people. we don't watch sports on tv (i do not count the wrestling that the boy watches as a sport) and my kids have never played organized anything, they've never really had an interest.

i am happy to say i enjoyed watching the girl play. although her team lost, i think she played well, especially since it was her first time. she was IN the game, her head was in it, she was paying attention, she was trying. i swear i almost teared up a few times watching her.

saturday afternoon we went to my sister's to celebrate my youngest nephew's first birthday. he is such a little buddha. one year old wearing 2T clothing. as you know, i'm not close to my sister or her family so it is not like it was a warm fuzzy event. it wasn't bad. it was cordial. my parents were there. the first time i've seen my dad since the falling out in march. it was fine. he's never been much for conversation so it's not like that had changed. it is what it is.

i find it interesting that during our whole separation from my parents my mother was lamenting not being able to see her kids or grandkids (though we had expressly told her arrangements would be made if she wanted to see them) and now that the veil has been lifted she makes no effort. for someone who has so many regrets and wishes things were otherwise, she really hasn't made any changes in how she deals w/ people. i am perfectly fine w/ the level of contact we have right now (barely any), i just shake my head at what she says she wants and what she's willing to work for.

friday i got a call from a company i've interviewed with twice now--the same company that has hired from w/in each time. i have been doing a little bit of freelancing for them and now they want me to actually write an article. part of me is like hells yes, this is great. but the subject matter--oy vey, financial shit. i have a week to do it (which is kinda short notice for something like this). my stomach churns every time i think about it, but it is money and that's always good. i have also heard that freelancing for this company is often your secret to getting hired. oddly enough they had another job posted this weekend, for which i applied. so, we'll see. i applied for another job that i'm more excited about. it's for a non-profit. i don't know why i keep leaning towards those positions. i guess i feel like i'm at the point now where when i do get a full-time gig i want it to matter, not just to our bottom line but i'd like to feel like i'm actually doing something good for the world.

we watched the big music awards show last night. i'm not generally an award show watcher, but my kids are of the age now that they are interested in such things. it is no secret that i'm not "hip to the times" as far as current music/videos. aside from the videos the kids see on teen nick, i can't remember the last time i watched an actual music video. back in the day when mtv used to show them (rather than the programming they have now) i was enthralled w/ videos. it's no surprise that i hardly recognized any of the nominees/winners last night. i felt sorry for anyone who was nominated w/ lady gaga though because she pretty much swept the awards. i like her music, even if i really can't understand half of what she wears. i got a kick out of cher coming on stage to present the final award though, dressed in her famous black net-barely-there costume from years ago with the giant hair. say what you want about cher--i think anyone that looks the way she does at her age who has the voice that she does--well, it's just amazing. like tina turner. holy hell that woman can sing and looks half her age.

i have found a long lost friend on fb. she was one of my two best friends in high school. there were three of us that were thicker than thieves. when we got back to the states after graduation of course we scattered like dandelions. we managed to get together once, as a group, while we were in college, but after that we drifted. this girl (i'll call her texas) ended up out west while the other girl (i'll call her georgia) and i ended up on the east coast. for awhile we all kept in touch. around the time i got married texas and i lost touch, she didn't come to the wedding, and we really hadn't had much contact since. georgia and i remained close for several years and then had a falling out when she got married. i couldn't make it to her wedding--this was the time frame when we had two mortgages, i'd just started a new job, and my life was incredibly hectic and stressful. to this day we send christmas cards, say happy birthday, etc. but rarely communicate. back when i first started the blog i was pondering my ability to be a friend and i guess that's something i never get over. i have reconnected w/ friends from high school and college on fb but i really cannot remember the details of why we lost contact in some instances.

i finished reading eat, pray, love. though i still wonder how in the hell you get a writing gig like that---being paid in advance to travel to three countries for a year and write about it--i am mostly over my jealousy. i really enjoyed the book, though sometimes felt the author was a little too much, but maybe that was envy permeating my reading. i think i'd love to go to italy; india and bali, not so much.

when she was describing a characteristic of italians she said they don't make plans. in italy if you asked someone to dinner next week they would not committ because they have no idea what they'll be doing next week or if they'll be alive. (i'm quite sure i'm not explaining this as she did in the book, but the idea stuck w/ me). the italians do not take anything for granted, that they'll be here tomorrow, etc. so they don't make plans. i have this problem. not that i don't think i will be here tomorrow, but i think i must have committment issues. it is hard for me to make a written in stone plan for a week from now. what if something comes up? not something BETTER, like i don't want to make plans w/ you to have dinner in case something better comes along, i just cannot wrap my brain around saying, yes, i will be xyz at 3:30 on such and such day. i am more of a spur of the moment type of person. or a have-someone-else-plan everything person. i think it would be a great gift if one whole day of fun was completely planned for me by someone else. onlyamovie mentioned in a post that her better half took charge of a saturday one weekend. she didn't have to make any decisions. he decided what they were doing for the day, where they would go to dinner, etc. that sounded so completely wonderful to me.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

i'm a bit of a luddite

i have a cell phone but i only use it to make calls when i'm away from my house. it doesn't access the internet. i don't twitter from it. in a month's time i might rack up a half dozen texts on it--and those are normally from the girl.

i have an mp3 player that i haven't listened to in more than a year. when i traveled for work i listened to it on the plane when i wasn't reading. that's about it. i'd rather listen to my cds. and, truth be told, if i had a turn table i'd probably lament the fact that music isn't on vinyl any more.

i have never used a blackberry or pda or kindle. i can't really wrap my brain around the idea of a kindle. when i read a book i like to feel the book. i like to turn the page and put a bookmark in to save my place. i am also a page folder (much to the girl's chagrin). you'd think since i'm such a book lover i'd shudder at folding a page, but old habits die hard. i used to be a bookmark person...that is until i had kids. when the kids were little there were way too many times where my book got picked up and the marker fell out and my place was lost. that's when i started folding the corner.

even though i love the internet and using a computer, i'm quite certain that my computer is capable of doing things i don't even know about. i know i'm not using it to its fullest extent, but, i use it for what i need and that's it. i am an email junkie and love blogging and using my computer as a word processor and getting on face libre. that's really about it.

i am not a luddite in the sense that i'm against technological advancements, i just don't have a need for most of the applications in my daily life. i sometimes feel like the stereotypical old geezer that poo poos any type of advancement. but, i think things get lost when we go too far too fast. what will become of books/libraries/book stores if kindle-type technology becomes the norm?

last night the girl asked me what time it is. she does not like to read analog clocks. this baffles me. i told her to look at the clock and tell me what time it is. it took her a good five minutes to figure out that it was 8:50 or 10 til 9. some day will an archaeologist dig up an analog clock and wonder in amazement how people ever used that to tell time?

i interviewed an optometrist the other day for an article i'm working on. they were talking about the advancements in glasses. i sort of joked, uh, what does one consider a tech advancement in glasses? apparently sooner rather than later (like in the next year) there will be prescription lenses that will SENSE what you're looking at (for bifocals for example) and adjust the lens accordingly. sounds a little george jetson to me.

and--what about the commercials for the cars that park themselves. really? i hate to parallel park as much as the next person, but frankly the way towns/cities are laid out now there aren't as many instances where one is required to parallel park. if you're in a downtown area yes, but even then there's usually a parking deck right around the corner.

ok--i'm probably sounding like i need to go take some geritol and sit on the rocker on the porch huh?

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

i has a happy

so many posts over the last year here have been bitching and moaning about being unemployed. don't get me wrong, my top goal remains to find a full time job and i'm still sending out resumes left and right.

i have fallen into a freelance bounty of sorts here lately and, aside from earning money, it is giving me peace of mind. i am not writing the great american novel, but it is writing and for now that is ok.

i got some wonderful gifts for my birthday (the hubs always laments about not being able to spend a lot of money no matter how hard i've tried to convince him over the years that for me it REALLY is the little things that i love) and two of the things that continue to bring me a smile are the starbucks gift card (toffee mocha yum!) and the latest train cd. oh how i do love pat's voice. really. how can you hear his words and his voice and that music and not just want to burst? very close to my birthday i also got that awesome treasure chest from only that included recordings of my other musical love, van morrison. though i always cherish my true love rod, train and van make my heart sing too.

the past few weeks have seen a bit of a change in our lifestyle. i haven't gone into detail about the hubs' health issues (i think it might make him uncomfortable), but he has them. his brother's death last year was not only a horrible shock, but it also made the hubs think about his own mortality even more than he already did (which is quite a lot frankly). so he has started walking and eating healthier (without my prodding) and working out. the rest of us have started this journey with him a bit. we go for walks most days as a family. we're all eating a little healthier. (i'm sure this toffee mocha i'm drinking isn't healthy though). regardless, it feels good.

since the day she was born people have said how much the girl looks like me. day to day i don't see it, but when i look at our pictures i do. she has so many of my personality traits too, some good, some bad. this summer she started writing poetry in earnest. and collecting quotes. it is like deja vu for me. though as i got older i progressed to saving my found quotes in a word document (along w/ whatever poetry i've managed to force out), when i was her age i did exactly what she's doing, filling composition books and spiral notebooks. i need to dig those out and share them with her.

i have realized that i am prejudiced when it comes to giving my kids money. they get allowances, though admittedly sometimes i don't think they earn them. they are SUPPOSED to clear off the table every night (together, which they do); put their clean/folded clothes away (which they do); girl feeds the cats; boy feeds the dogs (always has to be reminded); they haul the dirty laundry to the laundry room and they are to keep their rooms clean. epic fail there. their rooms are like war zones. this always astounds me because they don't spend lots of time in their rooms. when they want to buy something we encourage them to save their money for it. the girl is better at this than the boy (granted she's 13 and he's 10). however, i am a sucker when it comes to books. if there is a particular book they are dying for i almost always find a way to make it seem like they've earned it (like by having the boy haul all the laundry to the laundry room and vacuum the den) or i just flat out buy it. i'm a sucker for that. both of my kids LOVE to read as much as i do. i am incredibly proud and thankful for that.

Monday, September 6, 2010

happy labor day

ah, we've had a pretty good labor day. the weather has more than cooperated and has been so pleasant, mid 80s and a breeze. a local grocery store had crab legs on sale so we had a spur of the moment seafood dinner friday night. the hubs cooked them (first time ever) and we all feasted. it was yummy. even the boy, who has always looked down on us for eating crab legs--it's just cruel he'd say--relished in their tastiness.

saturday the girl had soccer practice and her first scrimmage game. i can't begin to tell you how proud i am of her. she's never played a team sport, never done anything really extracurricular in sports and i was worried. my hope was that soccer would bring her out of her shell, expose her to some other girls rather than the some ones she's been going to school w/ since kindergarten, and help her lose the muffin top she worries about. since the first practice she has put her all into it--she's aggressive and what she lacks in skill she makes up for in heart. there are girls on the team who've played for years, but the girl is undaunted.

saturday evening we went to my brother's for a cookout. we hadn't seen them in awhile, seems like a month or more.we had a great visit, the kids played outside until well after dark and it was good to catch up/chat w/ them. we also played cornhole--a game you've probably heard of and even played. it reminds me of the lawn darts game my grandma used to take camping. pretty fun.

yesterday we went to an annual flea market about an hour away. once we got there we realized we'd been a long time ago--like before the boy was born. it is HUGE. tents and vendors for miles. we walked around for about 4 hours and didn't even get through half of it. it is a 3 day event. one of my dear friends had a booth set up, selling her dad's antique cash registers. we visited w/ her and some of her family briefly. this friend has the most incredible relationship w/ her parents and i just love being around that. her mom (who's in her late 70s or early 80s) is the nicest person. she'd met my kids about 7 yrs ago and still asks about them, was happy to see them yesterday and just so very kind. my friend is lucky to have such a mom (and she knows it).

not sure what we'll get into today.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

and the homework winner is....

.....i will keep you in suspense for just a bit. i hope you had as much fun with this assignment as i did. all of the lists were great and i learned new things about those of you i already know and found two new blogs to boot!

grey ghost and the redhead blogette are the two new bloggers who left interesting lists in the comment section; i look forward to reading their blogs as well. go, visit them. my dear (and irl) friends sweet t and spanx also had lists that made me smile and broke my heart at the same time. you know i love you both : )

but the winner is.......firegirl at just a bunch of silliness really because she had a pyrotechnician's license (she put off FIREWORKS!!!) and she didn't follow the directions and actually made two lists. a rebel after my own heart. (email me your addy so i can send you your treasure chest. fyi, it won't really be a chest.)

while i'm feeling all linky and everything....i had to share this post from drollgirl. she always has interesting observations and photos, but i really loved this recent post. it's shots of store windows dressed as scenes from famous movies. i love home furnishings/design/etc. and things like her post really excite me.

on a separate note--i miss reading those of you in the sidebar who have stepped away from blogging. sniff sniff. i don't even know if you are reading blogs anymore, but if you are, know that you are missed around here.