Drop offs, parties and cookies

When I take the kids to school in the mornings (because we are not organized enough or get up early enough for them to ride the bus--plus buses don't have seat belts and I've never understood that) there are a lot of parents dropping off their kids. To keep all of the cars off the main road we have a drop off system--four lines of cars that take turns feeding into the main drop off area where teachers open the car doors for the kids and make sure they aren't running around willy nilly and get hit by a car. So you sit in line, wait your turn to go etc. No biggie. What irritates the crap out of me is the people who go out of turn and do it blatantly. I want to jump out of my car and bitch slap those parents.

We went to a Christmas party last weekend. I swear I think it's the first party we've been too in forever. It was kinda nice to be the guest rather than the host. There were a lot of people we didn't know, but some we did and we had a good time. I did not go wild and embarrass myself : ) You'd think I would have realized this by now, but apparently I can hold my beer better than I can hold wine or liquor. Both at my party and the other party I drank beer, got a nice little happy feeling but did not cross over into the stupified realm in which sometimes I get loud, remove articles of clothing (ok, just once) and that filter in my brain disappears and I say things I shouldn't.

I'm getting excited about Christmas : ) I would be MORE excited if we had some of that cold fluffy white stuff, at least for a few days, but I guess I will be ok without it. I can't wait to see the kids and the Hubby open their gifts from me and of course I can't wait to see what I get.

I had big plans this year of being Betty Crocker and baking up tons of fun cookies to give as gifts (because somehow my gift giving list expanded this year). It was the Food Network that planted the seed. Lounging on the couch one evening, under the influence of something or other, I happened upon a cookie show. They were making cookies I'd never heard of--Reindeer Ravioli. The next day I even printed out recipes. Did I make these cookies and give them as glowing gifts marking my accomplishments as a supreme baker? Hell no! But, there's always next year!!!

Good morning

Yes, for those of you paying attention it is 5:33 am in the fucking morning. Pardon the harshness but as we all know I am NOT a morning person. What started as sneezing earlier this week turned into a head cold over the last two days and this morning around 3ish turned into a nice cough. Thanks a freakin' lot pharmacy lady who recommended whatever OTC pills I bought last night because not only didn't they clear up my shit they pushed it into a cough. Happy Friday!

So the much anticipated (by me at least) Christmas party went well I thought. It was much more sedate than some of our shindigs have been. Partly because the kids were here (yeah, Mom broke her foot two days before so she couldn't keep the kids but oddly enough my sister and her two kids--who are younger and require more actual babysitting than mine do--spent the night at her house that night and if I'm not mistaken she's babysat at least one of them since then--but hey, I'm not bitter) and partly because our friends Crusty and her hubby were'nt there. When her hubby, I'll call him Bob Villa because he can build the hell out of some stuff, and my hubby get together they instigate a lot of bad behavior.

As the hostess I didn't feel like I really got enough time to spend with each person individually--do you ever at a party? But I do think people had a good time. It still amazes me that despite the fact that we have a big den and a living room most everyone congregates in my kitchen. Is that a Southern thing or a party thing? This brings out my pie in the sky dream of knocking down the wall between the kitchen and the formal dining room (that just holds dining room furniture that we never use and that I now do not really like even though it's only a couple of years old)and making one big kitchen perhaps with an island seating area. The Hubs said he thinks it would decrease the value of the house because you'd lose a room but my thought is if we ever sold it (which I don't forsee) I can't be the only person that would rather have a big useable kitchen instead of a regular size kitchen and a formal, unused dining room. Thoughts?

On the work front I suppose things are ok. Out of nowhere about a week ago my boss had a talk with me because his boss is concerned about my performance. That's always nice. I think I've fixed that though. One thing that's really sticking in my crawl (gross huh?) is having to get input from a committee of sorts that doesn't really know what they want me to do they just want to criticize what I do. One person in particular is driving me nuts. I have to set an agenda for an annual meeting, something I've never done, they knew I'd never done when I took the job. I have to line up speakers and panels, topics, etc. and do it for as little money (like free) as possible. So we've been through several rounds of my showing them the agenda and this last time I really felt good about it. Had incorporated their ideas, followed the previous year's outline, etc. and damned if this one person didn't suggest changes again, changes that were the EXACT opposite of what she said two meetings ago! I'm like WTF! Initially I'd proposed one speaker that this person knocked down. Now that I have another speaker lined up this person is saying why not use X--the same person she originally knocked down! Anyhoo--today is our work Christmas party, which should be fun.

Last thought before I smoke a cigarette and hop in the shower. (Ya know, if I liked mornings it would actually be cool to get up a few hours before everyone else and get some stuff done. Of course the Hubs is already up and out today, but that's not the norm.) I was making small talk with a co-worker the other day about kids and Christmas. His kids are younger than mine but he's got a...strange? interesting? novel? (you decide) idea about Santa. His thought is that he doesn't want to lie to his kids about Santa, build up the myth, have them believe in him, only to find out at 9-10 he's not real because then they'd question if Jesus is real too. I've never ever thought about it that way but the idea seems kind of wacky to me. I've never heard of kids not being able to understand the difference.

Sometimes don't 'cha just want to flash this?

Don't get me wrong, I'm still a shiny, happy person these days but sometimes I really wish I could scream this at people.







I know it's out of season, but I just found this pic. I grew this : )

Haul out the holly

I know I said Halloween was my favorite holiday but I do like Christmas. I like decorating (I prefer snowmen to Santa) and wrapping presents (little known fact I did a speech/demonstration on how to wrap presents in 9th grade) and seeing Christmas lights at night, Christmas songs and carols (there is a difference) and the smells of the season.

Since our last visit we've skimmed over Thanksgiving. It was anticlimactic. I was dreading spending it with my extended family and then when we didn't I sort of felt a tiny (very tiny) loss. Not necessarily that I missed them or anything it was just a little off.

We went to a family wedding prior to Thanksgiving. It was interesting. I know I'm a procrastinator but this bride put ME to shame. Two weeks before the wedding we got the invitation. While they were supposed to be getting their pre-wedding pictures made she had to go to the bridal shop to pick up her veil and shoes. The ceremony was very lovely but it took awhile for the reception to get underway and the kids got pretty antsy. It all turned out alright though.

It's funny because as much as we like getting out of town and visiting family we always enjoy coming home. Is that a sign of old age?

I'm getting excited because we're having a grown up Christmas party in a few weeks. We don't have many grown up parties so it should be fun. I guess grown up is rather an oxymoron because basically I get trashed and act like a fool--not very grown up. You always wonder about these things too because of the mix of people you invite. When we first started having our "house" parties when we moved into the house it was a core group of friends and my brother/sister-in-law. I've added a few people here and there and this year invited a few new faces. I hope they'll come and have fun. I'm not really a very good party planner so I hope people don't expect too much! ; )

I'm in a good spot right now. Do you ever have those cycles? It's not that any one wonderful thing has happened, it's just that as I look around I realize I have a lot of good things going on in my life and not many things that are pissing me off at the moment.

I think what started it was being at the wedding and looking around at all the other married couples. For all of our ups and downs I really think the Hubs and I are overall the happiest married couple I know. He's my best friend and though we (like everyone else) get on each other nerves from time to time I really like him. Sometimes you look at couples and it seems like they're just together out of habit or necessity and that's sad.

I also realized, after seeing and being around other kids for that event, that my hellions aren't THAT bad. They're sassy but they're really smart and affectionate and they have spunk.

Warm fuzzy feelings all around ; )

The week in review

Did ya miss me? Of course you did--where else would you get such wit and wisdom? : ) Don't answer that!

I’ve been out for awhile. Lots going on. Leah and Keely escaped from the backyard last Tuesday and our lives have been on hold. We’ve come home every evening to drive around and look for them and just when we’d give up hope we’d get a call (we put up fliers) that someone had seen them.

They left our neighborhood and went cavorting around in a big ass cookie cutter neighborhood across the street. You know the ones, where all the houses pretty much look the same and they your neighbor is right up your butt? I’m sure they’re all starting to think we’re casing the neighborhood.

The Hubs was getting ready to go out looking for them this morning and put up more fliers when he looked out the back door and they there were. We’d left the gate open in the hopes they’d find their way home and they did. Leah was in her dog house and Keely was lying beside it—she’s either too stubborn or too retarded to get in her own dog house so she sleeps beside Leah.

Crisis averted and they’re home.

As if that weren’t enough to deal with the tooth that I was supposed to have a root canal on last year but didn’t because I’m a total wuss when it comes to going to the dentist, flared up and I thought I was going to die. I tried Tylenol and though it made me sleepy it did not help the pain. I was then turned on to large amounts of ibuprofen. Let me tell you, if you ever have severe pain, take four of those bad boys and it will knock it right out. I self medicated for about a week, my appointment was yesterday. I was lethargic and not very productive during that time, but pain free.

The appointment was the best experience I’ve ever had at a dentist. They gave me nitrous. That is like a miracle gas or something. I get nervous, like I’m going to cry and throw up, just walking into a dentist office.

I sat in the chair, clutching it until my knuckles turned white and then he popped that gas mask on me. Sweet relief. Thanks to a topical numbing agent I didn’t even feel the three shots of Novocain he gave me, which lasted until after 5pm yesterday. It’s hard to smoke a cigarette (or drink anything) when half of your face is numb—but trust me, I persevered.

While I was in the chair floating high on nitrous I had several thoughts. First, the dentist must be cool because his Muzac was classic rock—-I even heard a Rod song while under the gas; at least I think I did.

Second, if you have a business where you either charge a buttload for your services or your product, the people who work in your business should use proper grammar. I hate me some red neck talkin’ office people.

Third, if anyone ever invents noiseless dental equipment they'll make millions. Half the battle for me is the noise--it freaks me out. That and the pain of course.

The dogs are home and my tooth is ok. Now if I can just get the Hubs to take his medicine and not kick the bucket on me in the near future life will indeed be good.

Simply preposterous

My friend Donut just told me she read an article that said Katharine Hepburn was bisexual.

I of course Googled Kate and it turns out that there was a book written about her this year that tries to claim that not only was she bi or lesbian but that Spencer Tracy was also bi and their whole romance was a facade.

I'm speechless. Truly I am. I do not give a flip one way or another if people are bi or gay or whatever but I do have a problem with a writer writing such things based on speculation.

Because she wore pants when it just wasn't done and because she had long-time female friends does not mean she was gay. Because she and Spencer never married and she never had kids does not mean she was gay. Why, why does it even matter? The woman has been dead for three years, why come out with a book like that at this point? Now, when anyone who could really support or refute any of this guy's so-called facts are dead?

I've read pretty much every book there is to read about Kate and have seen most of her movies and interviews. I am by no means an expert on her but I admire her, bi or not. I think perhaps something people who write about her forget is that she was an incredibly private person, granted few interviews and at least initially in her career she hated the limelight, fans and the media. She didn't act for the fame or money, she did it because she enjoyed it and couldn't not do it.

She was notorious for telling the press lies or saying tongue-in-cheek things to throw them off. She was married once and at that time a reporter asked if they had any kids, she said yes, three white and two black ones.

I don't even know what my point is. I'm not saying it's not possible for her whole life to be a lie, I'm just saying if it is I don't want to know it is.

To this day I think one of the most romantic scenes in any movie is in Guess Who's Coming to Dinner when Spencer Tracy finally comes around to the fact that his daughter is going to marry Sidney Poitier and he talks about the love he has for Katharine Hepburn--well, for her character in the movie.

Happy Halloween!

Halloween is perhaps one of my favorite holidays. Ok, it pretty much is my favorite. Most of the other holidays are anticlimactic for me, but that's another blog entry altogether.

Halloween. It's fun to say, say it--hal o ween...hollow een...hall o weeeeeeeen.

Halloween. It's one of those sacred rare occassions when you can be something else or someone else and it is perfectly acceptable.

Halloween. The expectation of the day is that you will not be normal; you will dress up and act a little silly or crazy or psycho, thus letting one of your inner selves emerge at least briefly.

Halloween. It's a day to let out all those creative ideas and decorate and express your inner child.

Halloween. It's a holiday where there aren't a lot of expectations regarding family and you don't have to spend money on gifts people could really give a shit less about.

Halloween. It's really a holiday for creative people.

Halloween. It's about roasted pumpkin seeds, carving the coolest jack-o-lantern, "It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown," trick or treating and of course candy.

Halloween. It's better with a homemade costume rather than a store bought costume, even though when you were a kid you always wanted the store bought costume instead of the homemade costume.

Unmentionables

The Hubby and I were discussing unmentionables this weekend. I never realized men (and I suppose that's a generalization) were so excited by unmentionables. Please stop reading here if you're easily embarrassed. : )

I've never really thought about panties and bras as anything other than utilitarian clothing and my garmets reflect that thought process. I have gotten a little "racey" over the years and branched away from white to a variety of fun colors but aside from that nothing exciting.

I do not understand the thong at all and I've tried one but they're incredibly uncomfortable.

Apparently lacey things are a big plus for some men. For those females reading this, what's your take on underwear? Utilitarian? Sexy? The Hubby said he thought women wore things like that for themselves as well as their significant others. I've read articles that say wearing lacey, sexy underwear under your every day work clothes gives you a secret sense of power or something. If you do that do you find it to be true?

The conversation then turned to the younger generation and their preference for shaving and waxing certain areas of their bodies, both men and women. Really? My cousin, who's a 20 something, told us lots of guys now a days (like I'm some ancient old lady) shave. Really? Hmmm, I don't find that attractive at all.

Non sequitor
My baby turned 7 this weekend, I can't believe it. Friday night we celebrated my nephew's birthday, he turned 5, and Saturday we celebrated The Boy's birthday with a skating party. Fun was had by all until my Mom took a spill and broke the hell out of her arm. It was so bad she passed out, the ambulance came and rushed her to the ER. It broke in two places, had to be jerked back into place, casted and she'll have to have surgery.

I am...

...like Pablo Picasso.
Today, October 25 is the birthday of the artist Pablo Picasso, born in Malaga, Spain (1881). He had trouble getting out of bed in the morning, and usually spent the afternoon conversing with friends. It was at night that he did most of his work, usually in the dark, except for two spotlights shining directly on his canvas. He didn't use a palette -- he just had the cans of paint sitting on the floor, and he would dip the brushes right in and then wipe the excess off on newspapers. He stood up while he painted, often for three or four hours at a time. Then once in a while, he'd take an hour off to go sit at the other end of the room in a wicker armchair and stare at his painting, analyzing his work.

...a smart ass. Am I really? For those that know me in real life, do you consider me a smart ass as in witty or a mean smart ass? If one analyzed such things I would say people who are smart asses or attempt humor are probably a tad bit insecure and they use the humor as a shield.

...an alcoholic neanderthal. I do not know about wines or fancy, sophisticated liquors. What I really hate are people who are alcohol snobs and who think they are sophisticated simply because they order high falutin wines or drinks. I'd like to stuff a joint in their mouths and say, shut the hell up.

...possibly bi-polar. I know, I know, I should wash my mouth out with soap and go stand in the corner or something because I've trashed my nut job sister over this for years. I am not all of a sudden now going to become my sister's best friend, but when I step out of myself sometimes I think I could be bi-polar. For no reason at all I can become jocular and happy go lucky and the next day one little thing (like receiving hate mail and getting questioned about my abilities) can sink me down low, I say way down low.

...verging on the cusp of needing West Wing therapy. I received an email from Amazon that I can pre-order the 7th and last season on DVD. I'm jonesin' for it. We're on our second viewing of the seasons now and I have to say I love it just as much the second time around, if not more. I don't think I've ever been so enamored with a TV show. Sure, I love ER and watched it regularly, but this, this is something totally different.

Climb every mountain; getting manis and swimming with sharks

Climb every mountain
It was Boys and Girls weekend at our house. The Boys went on their first Cub Scout camping trip. I don't know who was more excited, the Hubby (who's been roped in to being a leader, complete with the uniform and all!) or the Boy who has already earned his first badge!

They left Sat. morning and I was concerned because it's getting down around 35 degrees here at night now and they were going to the mountains. I called them at 2ish and the Hubby sounded winded and about to keel over. (He later admitted he was afraid of having a heart attack on the mountain and that he would have had to been hauled off.)

Him: Huff, puff, we're climbing a mountain. I'll call you later.

Never heard from him again. I was a bit worried but he'd warned me they might not have cell phone coverage in BFE.


They got home Sunday before noon and they'd had a great time. Apparently their hike was on a huge mountain (see picture of the area but not necessarily the mountain they climbed) with a tiny trail that sometimes had ropes to help you climb. A bit much for 6 year olds I think. One kid broke his arm. It was cold at night but they managed. The Boy said his favorite part was throwing sticks in the fire.

Getting manis
While they did BOY stuff the Girl and I got a manicure. A first for both of us. Having never done such a thing I just picked a place on a whim. There were two women and one man working there. They were not overly friendly, but then I don't know that they spoke much English. I was getting concerned while we were waiting. The guy manicurist switched the TV to football and proceeded to watch it while he was doing someone else's nails. When a customer was paying for her services she asked why her daughter didn't get such and such treatment with her manicure and the response was we do it if we have time. She asked, but you charge the same regardless? Yes. I was thinking of walking out when we got called to our tables. We got them done, it was fun and though I won't go back to that place again I will do it again. I won't, however, let me talk them into getting my eyebrows waxed because that was a bitch, it doesn't look all that different, my brows are still tender and my face felt greasy all day.

After the manis we shopped some, rented a movie and I got Starbucks. We had a good day and stayed up late watching TV in my bed. It was nice to have the Girl to myself for a day, even if I did get the random questions about periods and hormones.

Swimming with Sharks
So the hate mail I received a few weeks ago has turned into an issue at work. It has been incredibly difficult for me and my confidence has been cut to the quick to put it mildly. I went from a job where I pretty much felt I could do no wrong and that people adored me (seriously, I was good at what I did) sort of like being a medium sized fish in a big pond to a job where everyone is second guessing me, criticizing me, questioning my judgement and attacking me like a big fish in a little pond swimming with sharks. I have uncovered a mafia in my new industry and apparently I have pissed them off. I do not thrive in this type of environment. Sadly I've let it bring me down and in fact for the last two weeks I've been paralyzed to do much of anything, make any decisions, write anything etc.

Today I am making a decision to say fuck it and do what I know I'm good at, stand up to the man and show them what I'm made of and if I get fired I get fired. I can find another job. I am woman, hear me ROAR!


Non sequitur
Ok, not that I'm a Satan worshipper or anything, but have you noticed you don't see many Halloween decorations that are devil-related these days? What's up with that?

Freebird and a dilemma

Last night at dinner the kids were being their normal selves. You'd think we mainlined them coke or something by the way they act sometimes; both talking at the same time, the Boy jumping up from his seat to show us a dance move on the kitchen floor or the Girl going on about the operation she just watched on Discovery.

I was sitting there, fairly about to explode with pride at the dinner I'd made--fried chicken (which I've done about five times in my life), homemade HEART-SHAPED biscuits (if Bisquick constitutes homemade) and fresh broccoli. I was beaming.

The kids were talking about songs and words in songs etc. and I said even when they're teen agers there will probably be music I won't let them listen to. They didn't bite on that and didn't really care. Then the Hubby and I started talking and he brought up all these songs we listened to (he still tries to convince me Love Shack by the B52's is about an orgy) and I can't be a prude when it comes to the kids.

True, I wouldn't be a prude but neither do I think they need to listen to songs about killing hos or shooting cops or belittling women, etc. The Hubby said well as long as the Boy doesn't come home with his baggy pants showing his boxers. I said that could be a problem especially with our Boy who freebird's 99% of the time. (Wow, that was a circuitous story to tie into the title of this post!)

...and now for the dilemma.

Friday afternoon I was visiting a showroom for work. It was late in the afternoon, around 5ish and aside from some guys working on the loading docks the streets were fairly deserted in this part of town. It was still daylight so I wasn't really scared or anything but I was watchful, had my keys in my hand ready to get in the car. I was in a public parking lot on a corner, about 15 other cars in there and every once in awhile cars would pass on the street. I got in the car and a young guy started walking toward the car. He had his hands in his pockets and I started getting nervous because it was obvious he wanted to ask me something. I started the car and reached for my cell just in case. I cracked the window, after debating whether I should even do that or not. He asked if I could jump his car. I told him I didn't have cables, he said he did, I said I had to get to an appointment and was sorry I couldn't help him.

I've thought about that and feel badly. Had someone else been with me I wouldn't have hesitated. Was I being too cautious? Yes, he was black but even if he were purple I felt uncomfortable one on one with a stranger in a deserted lot.

Magdalene laundries

Last night we started watching this movie, The Magdalene Sisters, about girls who were kept in convents in Ireland and forced to work in the laundries. It was disturbing. I didn't realize until the credits that it was based on a true story.

Magdalen Asylums were homes for "fallen" women, most of them operated by different orders of the Roman Catholic Church. It has been estimated that 30,000 women were admitted during the 150-year history of these institutions, often against their will. The last Magdalen Asylum in Ireland closed on September 25, 1996.

The Magdalene Sisters is a semi-fictionalized, composite account of the stories of four inmates. It opens in 1964 at an Irish wedding with a priest coiled around a drum, furiously banging away. The shaman is musically transfixed. His sweaty-collared appearance suggests that he may also be engaged in some manner of soul cleansing, no doubt involving an element of sexual release. Concurrently a young woman, Margaret (Anne-Marie Duff), is being raped by her cousin. When she reenters the wedding room, word of her violation round-robins through the crowd. The next morning, Margaret’s father ships her off to the Magdalene Laundry.

Rose (Dorothy Duffy) has just had a child out of wedlock. Priest and parents rip the baby from her breast, force her to sign adoption papers and send her to the laundry.

Bernadette (Nora-Jane Noone) is reaching adulthood in St. Attracta’s Orphanage. When she innocently flirts with the local factory boys, she too is sent to the laundry.

The three sack-clothed girls are met by the convent’s Mother Superior, Sister Bridget (Geraldine McEwan), the provider of the “earthly means to help cleanse your very soul.” “All men are sinners ... therefore all men are open to temptation,” croons the diabolical head nun as she berates the girls for being “temptation” incarnate. Simultaneously, this Bride of Christ is greedily counting rubber-banded rolls of money in front of a photograph of the late President John F. Kennedy.

In the laundry, supervised by the semi-mad Katy—a 40-year veteran of the institution—the girls meet Crispina (Eileen Walsh), a mentally handicapped girl who refuses to wash priest collars. Crispina, whose real name is Harriet (the girls are routinely renamed by the nuns) has had a child out of wedlock, the father an anonymous soldier. Father Fitzroy, the asylum priest, is also sexually molesting the innocent, feeble-minded girl.

In one sadistically graphic scene, naked girls are lined up in the shower room as two nuns mock and compare the girls’ body parts. Apparently, this does not fall under the sinful category of lust or “impure thoughts.”

Bernadette incites the others to consider an escape, insisting “that all the mortal sins in the world would not justify this place.” But the consequences of a failed attempt can be grave. Director Mullan himself portrays a crazed father who brutally pummels his daughter in the asylum dormitory after an aborted escape.

A Corpus Christie celebration in town provides the girls with a short respite from their grueling life. But while officiating at the mass, Father Fitzroy is exposed before all as Crispina’s seducer through an avenging act by Margaret (both victim and victimizer come down with an irritating rash). With unabashed cruelty, the nuns send Crispina to an insane asylum, where she dies from anorexia at age 24.

Some years later, Margaret is released through her brother’s efforts, but not without one last humiliation at the hands of Sister Bridget. Bernadette, fearful of becoming a “lifer” like Katy, daringly leads Rose out of the convent, threatening to bludgeon with holy artifacts any nun who stands in their way. A postscript intimates that life after the asylum was grim for the three remaining Magdalenes.

Mullan’s film is an angry, direct work that displays an abundance of commitment on the part of both its creator and actors. The film depicts a society that up until only a few years ago tolerated Church-sanctioned torture and extreme levels of exploitation. One reviewer likened the “Magdalenes” to the Guantánamo Bay prisoners.

I pulled this stuff from other places to explain it. I just couldn't put it into words because I'm still reeling from it. I'm dumbfounded things like this happen, can still happen, in this day and age. I don't understand how people can be so cruel to other people; it's worse yet they do it in the name of God.

The first time I...

...heard Drops of Jupiter by Train was about 3 years ago over a restaurant PA system.

...got drunk and threw up I was 5-6 years old. My parents thought it would be ok to give me beer.

...experienced death I was about 8 years old and my great grandmother died in her sleep at my grandma's house.

...remember writing poetry was in the third grade. It went something like this:

Rain makes the world seem dull and gray,
but listen to what the flowers say.
Tomorrow when the sun is full and bright
the rain will have kept us fresh
and full of color and light.
Sun, the soil, fresh air and rain
make children and flowers bloom again.

...realized I wanted to have a job that involved writing was in junior high. I would make up products and write ad copy for them.

...met my husband I was a smart ass toward him. (I know, imagine that!)

...French kissed a boy I was 14.

...saw Rod Stewart in concert I was in college, it was his Out of Order tour in 1989 I think.

...had an overnight hospital stay was when I had my gall bladder taken out about 10 years ago.

...saw people smoking weed I was in high school at a Monsters of Rock concert.

...got hate mail at work over an editorial was today.

Whew

Thursday when we got home there was a message from the dermatologist office the Hubby had been to a few weeks ago. He'd gone in to have a suspicious mole removed and the doctor told him on first sight it was skin cancer but he'd have to verify that with tests.

So we swallowed that bit of fun. Skin cancer. Not as serious as other things but still it was cancer. The Hubby was to have a follow up visit last week, which we had to reschedule for this week.

Thursday's voicemail was from the nurse who said it's important for you to speak with the doctor. Like that doesn't make the hair on the back of your neck stand up. Friday morning we called and were told the nurse was out until Monday. We drove to the office. It's closed until Monday. The Hubby made a few more calls to no avail. We had to suffer all weekend wondering WTF was going on.

As much as you don't like to think the worst I did (and I'm sure he did too though we both tried to play it off like it was no big deal.) It's a horrible thing knowing where your creative mind will wander when faced with such a wait.

This morning the Hubby talked to the nurse--who is now and will always be on my shit list. She said they noticed he didn't make his appointment last week; uh, yeah did you also notice I rescheduled the damn thing? No, no I didn't see that. Well the results came back and it is skin cancer. Uh yeah, that's what he told me when he sliced the thing off. Oh, well, we just wanted to tell you the lab results and to make sure you come back in because now that you've had skin cancer once you're more likely to get it again and we need to stay on top of these things. Uh, yeah tell me something I don't know beeotch. So are you telling me there's nothing else? Yes, that's right. Ok, well next time do not call me on a Thursday and leave a message that it's important if you know you won't be back in the office until Monday. Oh, I'm sorry I didn't think about that. STUPID CUNT! Ok, I'm sorry for that but damn! You don't have cancer in someone's file and leave a message like that.

I feel like calling that nurse and leaving her a message--hey, you're blood work came back. You're pregnant, it's not your husband's, you have herpes, genital warts and diabetes. Oh yeah, you have cancer too and about 3 months left to live. IDIOT!

Our brushes with fame

The Hubby and I were talking last night about our brushes with fame and once we started listing them I was pretty impressed. Here's our list.

Former President Bill Clinton. The Hubby shook hands and chatted briefly with him outside of Bill's fave restaurant in Little Rock. Yes, we made jokes about the fact that he shook a hand that probably copped a feel of Monica.


The other guy in that picture, Gen. John Shalikashvili, is a former chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. He presented me my diploma when I graduated from high school (before his big DC job).

I've met and chatted (in person) with Rick Springfield...

...and Jacklyn Smith, Kathy Ireland, Alexander Julian, Oscar de la Renta, Richard Petty and Christopher Lowell.

The Hubby has met and chatted with N.C. Senator Richard Burr, Rick Flair (wrestler), Morgan Shepherd (racecar driver), Conan (another wrestler) and Gen. Tommy Franks.

I have talked with (though not in person) Carly Simon, Vern Yip, some of the Queer Eye Guys (can't remember which) and a guy who was the winner of the Ernest Hemingway look-a-like contest held in the Florida Keys.

September 28

It was on this day in 1066 that William the Conqueror of Normandy arrived on British soil. He defeated the British in the Battle of Hastings, and on Christmas Day, he was crowned King of England in Westminster Abbey.

One of the most important consequences of the Norman conquest of England was its effect on the English language. At the time, the British were speaking a combination of Saxon and Old Norse. The Normans spoke French. Over time, the languages blended, and the result was that English became a language incredibly rich in synonyms. Because the French speakers were aristocrats, the French words often became the fancy words for things. The Saxons had "house"; the Normans gave us "mansion." The Saxons had "cow"; the Normans gave us "beef." The Normans gave us "excrement," for which the Saxons had lots of four letter words.

The English language has gone on accepting additions to its vocabulary ever since the Norman invasion, and it now contains more than a million words, making it one of the most diverse languages on Earth.

Getting old my ass

Just got this forward from a friend so I have to comment.


25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP:

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. (I've always wondered how to grow smokeable plants.)

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. (Why? What about the sofa or chaise?)

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. (Yeah because that's what the mini fridge in the garage is for. Of course it's probably 6 months old, but who's counting.)

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. (I don't get up that early unless there's a fire. Plus we stay up until after midnight most nights, probably the reason why I don't do mornings well.)

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator. (This makes me sad. Worse is when you hear a remake of your favorite song by some teenie bopper.)

6. You watch the Weather Channel. (Nah, but I know people who do.)

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up." (I still have single friends; and I bet there are married people who hook up and break up too.)

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. (Yeah, this does suck. I think everyone should have the summer off.)

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up." (True.)

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo. (No, but I do get pissed when they're parked getting gas and have the radio blasting. C'mon, that's just retarded.)

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. (Hell, where do you think I get most of the things I forward you guys?)

12. You don't know what time McDonalds closes anymore. (True. Of course when I was making late night fast food runs it was to Taco Bell.)

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. (Better yet, you pay off your car!)

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers. (I never did either.)

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. (Nope, napping on the couch is a guilty pleasure.)

16. You take naps. (See above. Naps rule. Of course you have less time for them as an adult. I think we should have naps during the work day.)

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.(Um, not necessarily. I'm old not dead.)

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach. (Um, we've been known to bake cookies at 1 a.m.)

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests. (Well, there are the flavored condoms ya know.)

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit." (I don't know wine but I certainly no longer drink Mad Dog 20/20.)

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. (Again, no. I don't normally eat breakfast but we do have breakfast food for dinner sometimes.)

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again." (I'm not a good drinker. My window between a nice buzz and being shitfaced has gotten much smaller as I've gotten older.)

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. (I'd say maybe 80% of the time.)

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar. (Now we drink at home because we don't want to drive or get a babysitter. House parties rule.)

25. When you find out your friends are pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking, "Oh no, what the hell happened?" (For the most part true, though if my sister gets pregnant again I'll be asking what the hell happened!)

After reading the list I don't really feel that old. Besides, in my head I'll always be about 26.

Manic Monday

A few weeks ago I bought a short black skirt, $6 at Tarjay thank you very much. I do not normally wear skirts shorter than, oh, my ankles. I don't know why but every skirt/dress I have is long. I wore the short skirt for the first time during my trip. I wore it to work for the first time today. I thought people would say, damn, short enough : ) he he, because I feel half nekkid in it, but they haven't. It's a weird feeling.

Have you seen the car commercial (not sure what brand) where the 'happy' family of four is on vacation having fun. Then it cuts to the mom and kids dropping the dad off at his apartment; he hugs the kids and looks at the wife and says, 'Thanks for inviting me.' Obviously the couple is divorced and they went on a vacation together for the kids. This commercial bothers me for some reason. Not that I care if people are divorced, but it's just an odd commercial.

I caught most of Jim Carrey's, Liar Liar on TV last night. The Hubby and I got to talking about how impossible it would be to actually go to work and NOT tell a lie. We'd have to call in sick for each other or lose our jobs I'm sure. There is a certain amount of lying you do every single day, the little white lies.
Hi, how are you?
You typically say, fine (but are you REALLY), how are you? (Most of the time you couldn't give a rat's ass.)
Sitting in meetings would be torture: What do you think of this idea?
Uh, it's retarded and we'll never do it so I don't know why we're even wasting our time having this boring meeting.
You get the gist.

Rod's on the radio--who doesn't get excited when they here the opening bars to Young Turks? Doesn't it just make you want to get up and dance!

Young hearts beat free tonight. Time is on your side. Don't let 'em put you down; don't let them push you around. Don't let 'em every change your point of view.

Boy Bands and their offspring

Admittedly I'm not a music guru and don't really have a firm handle on which guys were in which boy band.

Back in the day the 'boy bands' I listened to (the day being high school/college) were Duran Duran, Men at Work and U2. They didn't call them boy bands though. I guess New Kids on the Block were around too but I never really got into them.

Last night (the Hubby's first night out of town) I had trouble falling asleep so I was channel surfing. I stopped on Jay Leno. I don't really like Jay, never have, prefer Dave Letterman, and in fact one of my sisters-in-law could totally be his twin, I'm not kidding, she has his chin and everything. Anyway, Justin Timberlake was on Jay. A few nights ago I caught him on another late night show, possibly Dave, singing this sexy, funky song with someone named Timberland. The beat caught me. So I suffered through his interview to hear him sing that song again. I don't know the name and didn't catch every word, but the song is HOT.

I don't know much about Justin but from the interview I found out he was in a boy band and has done a few movies. Really? Hmmm. I've only heard about him as someone's boyfriend. Now he's dating Cameron Diaz, and though I'm not a big Cameron fan I have enjoyed some of her movies. But damn, isn't she like 20 years older than him? The boy looks to be about 20. But DAMN, he can totally shake his grove thang when he's singing. I might have to buy that CD just for that one song!

My own Fiddlers Green

First---Happy Talk Like a Pirate Day! Ahoy ; P

Thanks to my good friend T-Bone for that fun link!

Studio 60 premiered last night. I of course was waiting patiently for this show because the creators of West Wing were involved and so was Josh Lyman, I mean Bradley Whitford : ) If you didn't catch it you should. The show is the behind the scenes world of a sketch comedy show (coincidence that it's like SNL? I think not) that's been on air forever and has basically lost its mojo so they call in Bradley Whitford and Matthew Perry. (Ok, I had to follow that episode with a West Wing episode, I think I have a problem.)

Yesterday I read that U.S. spinach is contaminated with E.coli and they're taking it off the shelves. I told the Hubby this last night. His first response was, 'See, I told you spinach was bad for you.'

Then he freaked me out.

Him: You know, this could be a terrorist plot.
Me: LOL, yeah ok honey.
Him: Seriously, ALL of the U.S. spinach could be contaminated? What are the odds?
Me: Well, I'm sure the distributors all buy from the same farms.
Him: Ok, what there's only one huge spinach farm in the U.S. and all the companies buy from it? No, I don't think so. I think terrorists spread the E.coli on the spinach crops.
Me: Hmm, well, ok it's plausible but (and not to lessen the issue) only about 100 + people have gotten sick and one died. If you were a terrorist wouldn't you target something more wide spread, like say beef?
Him: Who's to say they haven't?

And with that he went out of town today. Yep, thanks a freakin' lot. I'll be paranoid about the food and watching the news for further E. coli outbreaks.

ARG!

Oh oh--I have to tell this joke in celebration of today.
Why couldn't the pirate get into the movie?
Because it was rated....wait for it....ARG!

The last trip of the year

Thankfully I just returned from my last out of town trip for the year. I got home around 10:45 last night and was up bright and early so I am completely useless at work and quite sleepy. I do, however, have some things to share and since my brain won't even begin to focus on work I thought I'd entertain my few readers. : )

I went to Las Vegas for the third time since January. I am over Las Vegas. For the most part the only redeeming thing about the city, for me, remains the fountain and gardens at the Bellagio. Frankly I could stand out there and watch the thing for hours.

Here's my list:

1. I discovered a German restaurant on this trip. Sadly my first time there was after a long day of travel, a meeting, another meeting and starvation because I hadn't eaten anything but a half a bag of chips all day. Under different circumstances I would love it, as would the Hubby. It was divided into two dining rooms, one for those who wanted a more quiet, traditional dinner and one for those who really wanted to experience the flavor of an authentic Oktoberfest. The tables were long tables with benches and the entertainment was a group that played Oktoberfest music, much of which encourages drinking. It had a full bar but the preference of course was beer served in huge litre steins. I was transported back about 20 years to when we lived in Germany. The food was pretty good too and by that I mean fairly authentic. It was very, very loud and raucous.

2. We somehow ended up at the same restaurant the next night and it was completely different, not as crowded, a little more quiet. What marked this trip was that one of our party, a new person with the company, literally disappeared after excusing himself to the bathroom the minute we walked in the door. We spent the rest of the evening conjuring up what happened to him and trying to figure out how the Mafia could possibly have kidnapped him from the bathroom; there was no blood; no sign of struggle. He showed up late the next day with some excuse of not feeling well, but hello, when you're with a group of people you work with and you're out of town and out on the town, you tell someone you're leaving.

3. I feel I have broken into the "inner circle" of this new industry I'm in. Surprisingly it is very, very clique-like (and reminds me of high school) and while some embraced me early on it has taken others longer to accept me. I was embraced, literally, but the old guard and even given a cigar as a token of acceptance.

4. I played the slots again, the only thing I will attempt in Vegas. I lost $5 but that was over the course of the 4-day trip, so I think I did pretty well. I'm still sad they just give you slips of paper now and you don't hear the magical sounds of quarters dropping into the tray.

5. I tasted pot stickers for the first time, something I've been wanting to try since my friend Keri raved about them and seemingly lives on them. They are quite tasty. At the same restaurant I was a little amazed that shark fin soup cost $55. Really? Half a hundred dollars for a bowl of soup? WTF?

6. I've discovered I might have a few flaws. Yeah, I know, it's hard to imagine, but it's true. I tend to call people I know 'honey' and 'sweetie.' I don't do this to everyone I know but usually when I'm in 'mother-mode' I do it. Like, 'Honey, don't worry about that,' or 'Sweetie be careful.' This might annoy people. I also find that as much as I say I don't want to be a prima dona, I think I might act like one from time to time. When I go to a trade show and am visiting a vendor's booth I sort of expect to be acknowledged. I am mindful of when they are dealing with customers and I do not expect them to break away from that and talk to me. However, when I go back repeatedly and am told the person is 'busy' I start getting my panties in a wad. Not because I am so eager to speak with that person but because that same person will be the one calling me in a few months fussing because we didn't write anything about them.

7. The Boy lost his second tooth while I was out of town. He lost the first one when I was out of town in May. I realize in the big picture of life this may not be earth-shattering, but it made me sad just the same.

8. As always the Hubby did a great job of holding the fort down while I was gone, which is always a little more difficult when school's in session and you have to get the kids to school on time, get homework and baths and dinner AND now scouts for both; though the Girl did opt out of this week's meeting because I wasn't there.

9. I had given the girl instructions before I left to make sure the Hubby took his medicine (because she likes feeling important) and to nurse his skin cancer wound (she overheard the Hubby talking about it so of course had a million questions). The first night I was gone I was talking to her on the phone and she asked me who she should call first if Daddy passed out. Ok, this freaked me out that she would be worried about such a thing, and I'm still not sure why she thinks he would pass out, but I guess it's better to be prepared.

10. I witnessed a lot of disgusting behavior during the week. At the airport a grown man was sitting there reading his book and picking his nose. Granted, it's not uncommon to see men (and women) do this driving down the road, why they think they're invisible at that time is beyond me, and the actual picking wasn't even the worst part. Yes, you guessed it, if you're squeamish don't read any further. He was ingesting the items he extracted from his proboscis. Not once, not twice, but for like 30 damn minutes. I guess he didn't have enough money to buy the snack on the plane.

11. One of my brothers-in-law and his wife were in Vegas the same time I was. I know this because the same brother-in-law had been calling our house for weeks under the guise of asking about the Hubby's health and then seguing into a sales pitch for pre-pair legal marketing schemes. The Hubby never wanted to talk to him so after I'd say, no, he's not home or sorry, he's mowing the grass, I had to make polite chit chat. So he found out we'd be in Vegas the same time and wanted to get together for dinner. I told him I was working and most often that also included dinners/meetings etc. in the evening. Plus it's not like I really wanted to visit with him, I mean it wasn't like it was one of you who'd I'd totally have made time to hang out with. Anyway, I avoided seeing him at all; I'm sure I'll be talked about in the family circle.

12. While I was gone the Hubby had a an event with my family. Well, actually the Girl had an event with my sister. My Mom always thinks she's doing my Hubby a favor and helping him out tremendously by having him and the kids over for dinner once while I'm gone. This is usually something the kids don't like (because she doesn't pay attention to what they do like) and it's usually just a pain in the ass. But he went. The conversation came around to what the Girl's been watching on TV and my sister, yes, the very one who doesn't have the best track record as a parent, said something like I can't believe you let her watch that! The Hubby of course said, I can't believe YOU would even questions my parenting skills. Then it went back and forth disguised as light banter until the Girl looks my sister dead in the eye and says, you're just mad because you know I don't really like you. OK, I'm not really pleased that she'd say something like that because technically my sister is an adult and it wasn't very nice, but I still have to secretly give the Girl kudos.

13. The Hubby will be going out of town next week again, this time for 3-4 days. I am curious to see what it's like with the shoe on the other foot. I will file a report on that later.

Updates

1. In reference to TL's comment that I might become a Bridezilla for the 20th anniversary party I can safely assure you all that will not happen. Though some would disagree (namely the Hubby) I'm pretty low maintenance. In six years I'll probably decide to forgo spending the money on the event and just have a blow out party.

2. We have not capitulated (that's a cool word) on the TVs in the room. I did however cave into the Hubby's desire to upgrade from the $7.95 cable we've had for more than a year to satellite TV. Personally I don't need all those channels but I have discovered that DVRs are quite handy and very very cool. The new setup hasn't really changed the Boy's viewing habits, but the Girl is in hog heaven watching Discovery Health and Animal Planet. I am getting a bit concerned though because she's REALLY into all the surgeries, operations, etc. and this weekend watched a documentary on The Black Plague. Is that weird?

3. A few weeks ago I noticed a suspicious mole on the Hubby's back so I sent him to the dermatologist. The dr. immediately said it was skin cancer and removed it. I was a bit surprised because I really just sent him to the doctor as a precaution, but I think it sort of freaked us both out that he had cancer, albeit skin cancer.

4. Remember at the beginning of this year I said it was going to be our year? Well, I think all in all it really has been. The Hubby and I were talking this weekend and he said he thought it came down to our attitude about everything. Basically we thought positively and it's been positive. That's not to say bad things haven't happened, but overall lots of good things have too. Last week we found out the Hubby's job is secure, which was a relief. Since May it's been in question and not knowing was a pain in the ass and stressful. He will remain with the company but in a different position with a bit more money. Tonight he has his first out of town trip, and while they won't be anything like mine, the shoe is on the other foot for a change.

5. I got a video camera for my bday (and no, I will not be posting home-made porn here! LOL) and have started taping the kids again. Sadly the last thing I had of them on tape was about 3-4 years ago when we moved into the house.

6. In a previous post I mentioned the Hubby has a few Anne Coulter books. I do have to say in his defense I think he's swinging to the other side. In a recent discussion (brought about by West Wing) it has come out that the Hubby is not nearly so enamored with Mr. Bush as he might once have been. I would not go so far as to say he's abandoned his republican views, but he's certainly moved to a more center-of-the-road veering toward the left lane thought process.

7. The 7th and last season of West Wing will not be available on DVD until November so we've started watching the whole series again. We're back to season one. Some have remarked that we're a tad bit obsessive with this, but mark my words, I think there might be a novel that emerges from this in years to come. You'd be amazed at the ideas that spring forth from our discussions.

8. Today is the kids' first day at a new after school program. I hope this new environment will curb the Boy from coming home talking about pimps and saying What up dawg.

9. Are plastic or paper bags really that expensive? I ask this because I like shopping at Costco but I don't like not having my groceries put in a bag.

10. The Crocodile Hunter is dead. It is sad because he was so young (44) and he had a wife and at least one kid that I know of, but honestly, is anyone surprised? I'm frankly surprised that he hadn't been maimed, mauled, poisoned, eaten before now.

You're invited

Mark your calendars for October 2012. I've decided the Hubby and I are going to renew our vows on our 20th anniversary and have a blow out party. I've been thinking about this because I just attended a wedding and because one of my best friends is getting married next year.

Weddings are a curious thing. Some single people see weddings as the Holy Grail. Once you're engaged it becomes this huge thing that consumes your life, well, usually for the girls anyway. So much planning and money goes into this event that in all reality is (if you're lucky) a blip on the map that is your married life.

A wedding is really more for other people than for the couple. The bride agonizes over decisions like what colors to have, what the cake will look like, invitations, who to invite, etc. because the end result is a reflection of sorts on her. People can't help but critique weddings. Think about it. The last wedding you went to, didn't you comment on just about everything? Those brides maid's dresses were fugly; the food was awful and did you hear the toast the best man made? These are things people talk about. To the bride the wedding is all important because she knows on some level she's personally being judged on it.

This is why I want to have a huge 20th celebration. The Hubby and I had been living together for about a year when we got married and had dated off and on for almost 10 years, so it's not like it was any big surprise that we were getting married. Still, you would like to think people would be excited and want to share in such an important time in your life. My Dad apparently didn't subscribe to this notion because one of the statements he made was 'why should we get excited when the cow's already been let out of the barn.' Thanks Dad.

At that time, just starting out, we didn't have a lot of money and since my folks didn't exactly jump at the chance to throw their eldest daughter the wedding she deserved, the Hubby and I paid for and planned everything ourselves. It was a small wedding, in part because of money but mostly because at the time neither of us knew that many people. I had no real roll model for planning a wedding; there hadn't really been a "big" wedding in my family and as most of you know my parents aren't the shining example of taste and etiquette. So we just sort of flew by the seat of our pants.

I picked out fabric and a pattern and my aunt made my dress. My maid of honor and I made the bridal party's bouquets and I had my bouquet made out of silk flowers. In lieu of gifts one of my uncles took pictures and another video taped the ceremony. Though we said the traditional vows (minus the obey part!) we also wrote our own vows. Our reception was at the church, simple punch and cake stuff. It was not elaborate by any means. But it was filled with our own touches and personality. Don't get me wrong, I didn't want a huge expensive wedding, but there are things I would do differently. One thing that bothers me the most I suppose is that my parents have rewritten history on this and claim to have paid for our wedding (they did buy a couple of buckets of chicken for the rehearsal dinner and some balloons); of course they also claim to have put me through college despite the fact that I was still paying for my student loans up until about 10 years ago.

So, in six years we will have the reception and fun we missed out on 14 years ago and you, my friends, are invited!

What about my balls?

This week has been filled with growing pains in our house. The Girl is going into 4th grade and The Boy into 1st. These are just two of the fun (and I use that term VERY loosely) conversations we've had.

1. Last night after his bath The Boy is standing wrapped in a towel in his bedroom doorway and stops me in the hall.

Him: Mom, what would happen if I didn't have any balls?
Me: WHAT?!!???!??!?!!? What are you talking about?
Him: (Removes the towel and is standing there butt naked, pointing to his testicles.) These, my balls, what would happen if I didn't have them?
Me: Well...uh...(Thinking to myself WTF is this! Where's The Hubby? Can I pawn this off on him? The Boy is looking at me like he didn't just ask a highly strange question.) Well, if you didn't have them then when you grow up and get married you wouldn't be able to have kids.
Him: But I thought girls had babies?
Me: (Oh boy, I've opened a can of worms.) Well, they do but the Daddy's help them have babies.
Him: Oh, so you mean they press their penis against the girl?
Me: Uh, this is something we can talk about when you're older.

2. The night before The Girl decided she and The Boy are lame because they're the only ones at school and in their daycare that still believe in Santa. Truth be told she didn't believe in Santa last year, though she wasn't ready to let go of it and totally bought in to all the hideous lies we've told her about him and the things we've done to try to prolong their believing. (i.e. writing notes from Santa to them, eating the carrots they leave for the reindeer and even downloading reindeer pictures from the Web making it look like Santa left them a snapshot of Rudolph). She's going on and on about this (among other things like she's the only kid in the world without a phone and TV in her room) until bedtime. The Boy goes to bed and she's still wailing about it so The Hubby and I give each other the look like, ok, this is it, we're going to tell her the truth. On August 21, 2006 we told The Girl, no Virginia, there is no Santa Claus. She bawled. I almost did. Then she turned on us.

Her: Why did you lie to me? Why did you do that?
Dad: Christmas is magical honey, when you're a little little kid that's part of the fun of it.
Her: So you lied about it all? There's no Tooth Fairy or Easter Bunny either? (more sobbing)
Me: Uh, no, they aren't real either.
Her: You LIED to me.
Dad: Yes, we did but that was part of being a kid and now you know the truth.
(This conversation went on for an hour and a half and also covered the TV/phone I don't have any friends issues before it finally wound down.)
Her: So, were you also lying about fruits and vegetables being healthy for me?

Man, she's good.

As for the TV in the bedroom--I am and always have been opposed to young kids (like under 12 or 13) having TVs in their rooms. Any thoughts on this subject?

Two fer Tuesday

Wow aren't you lucky, getting two, that's two blogs for the price of one. I've taken some cough medicine, the kids are in bed and the Hubby had to go put out a fire.

Remember Bubba Ass? You know, the brother-in-law from Hell that even the Devil would say WTF and kick out? Well the Hubby was talking to his sister the other day and she was complaining about him. I just CAN'T imagine why. Apparently Bubba Ass has decided that although she's 40+ years old and has been cooking for her family for about 30 years she doesn't know how to scramble eggs. She also does not know how to slice a tomato. He's decided he doesn't like her hair cut either.

The Hubby had a few suggestions--stop cooking for him and tell him to shut the fuck up. : ) Because we like Bubba Ass SO much.

She then proceeded to tell him they have separate checking accounts, which I hear is how some couples handle their money. But, they split all their bills 50/50. She's working two blue collar jobs and he's a truck driver (who's loaded according to her). House payment--she pays half. Electricity, she pays half. Obviously if he makes more than her she's busting her ass to pay half of everything while he has money left over at the end of the month.

A few months ago the idiot thought he had cancer (ok, I'm going to hell for sure because I was a tad disappointed to find out he didn't) so he went out and bought a new truck to the tune of a $600 a month payment they couldn't afford.

Bubba Ass is loathsome, ignorant, slimy, boisterous, cocky and stupid, but I have to say my sister in law isn't the world's smartest person if she's sticking with him. Why can't people see when the person they're with is totally wrong for them (or anyone for that matter)?

Tuesday Night Special

1. Although I'm incredibly witty (ok, no comments from the pnut gallery) I cannot write catchy headlines or blog titles.

2. Why does Michael Eisner have a talk show? I don't get that. There are three people in the media who really do interviews well: Charlie Rose, James Lipton and the grand dame, Babba Wawa. If I didn't have to be on camera to do it I'd love either one of their jobs.

3. People's book shelves are very revealing I think. Our computer is sitting on a built in desk/book shelf system.
Here are the contents:

Top shelf--my mostly hardback collection of Stephen King books, arranged in the order they were written. These share a shelf with Bibles and religious books from when the Hubby was a lay leader in our church a few years ago. Yes, I put them there on purpose and understand the irony.

Next shelf--We start with some Anne Rice (including a pre-press uncorrected proof of Memnoch the Devil), Mario Puzo and Gone With the Wind; then on to the coffee table sized books of Degas, Impressionism, Nuremberg; next come a plethora of quote books then into the Hubby's books--World Almanac's, antiques, biographies and Ann Coulter (I figure this will get a rise out of some of you!).

We then split to my side/his side. My side we've got all the penguin/Antarctica books; Kate Hepburn's bio, poetry and quote books. His side features all the Richard Bach books (which I too love) and more biographies and some Star Trek books. My side ends up with a huge book I totally love, The Art Book, along side a Thesaurus and Dictionary. What's on your shelves?

4. Can you believe people actually hire interior decorators to "design" their book shelves? What the hell is up with that?

5. Adam Sandler really is a good actor and comedian. To look as dorky as he does, I think he's hot.

6. I've been sick the last couple of days and I realize the older I get the more inconvenient and debilitating (ok that might be a slight exaggeration) being sick is.

7. How does your house get dusty when you don't have any windows open? Where does dust come from?

8. Who else read the Flowers in the Attic series by V.C. Andrews when they were teens? I think I read them all, they were quite disturbing. The brother and sister ended up together--WTF?

9. There is a difference between a bison and a buffalo and a dolphin and a porpoise. I never knew that.

10. I was emailing a friend of mine about my slight discontent with the new job. She said she didn't know many people who actually liked their jobs. Do you think this is true? For the most part I do like my job, I just don't like EVERYTHING about it. Then again, I don't know what I'd do instead. Not much call for coloring book publishers in this neck of the woods. (FYI, I did a spell check on this before I published it and in #10 the spell checker wanted to change emailing to unwilling. Interesting.)

Top 10 List of Things I Want to Share

1. We have reached the crossroads of childhood. The Girl is no longer a “little kid” and is now a tween. Back-to-school clothes shopping was an adventure. I can no longer pick her outfits without her input. This year she has slowly started migrating from the all pink wardrobe to other colors, including brown. She also got a pair of camo pants (though they’re pink camo). She decided to venture into jeans (has always avoided them) and she likes the t-shirts with the smart ass sayings on them.

2. The Boy has wanted a pink shirt all summer; we finally found one but it’s a girls’ polo. We bought it, you can’t tell it’s a girls’ shirt and he looks damn cute in it. He also chose a black button up shirt with flames all over it. We’re still searching for socks. He’s the only kid I know that has to try on socks—too itchy, too thick, too uncomfortable.

3. I took the kids clothes shopping on my own because the Hubby was waiting on the guy to set the grandfather clock we just bought (it’s really pretty) and because this particular task is no fun for him and no fun for me when he’s critiquing everything the Girl tries on. Anyhoo—we’re in the dressing room, me, the Boy and the Girl. She’s admiring herself in the mirror trying on dresses and he’s just standing there.

Me: Ok, take off your shorts and try on these jeans.
Boy: Oh tartar sauce, I forgot to put on underwear this morning. (Yeah, BIG surprise there!)
Me: Well, you still need to try these jeans on.
Boy: But Daddy told me not to wear zip up pants without underwear.
Me: Yeah, I can see where that would be a bad thing but I still need you to try these on.
Boy: Ok, but I hope I don’t hurt my privates.

So after 15 minutes of him cupping himself to prevent any damage to the naughty bits while wiggling into a pair of jeans he got them on and they fit.

4. With all the chaos going on at his job the Hubby has become obsessive about house keeping. To his credit he really is better at cooking and cleaning than I am; I am better at yard work. His fear, which has a lot of merit, is that I will turn into my mother. This is my fear on many levels too, but this particular fear is based on the fact that my parents are pigs. This was not the way when I was growing up, but in the last 5-10 years they have apparently forgotten how to pick up after themselves, ride a lawn mower and wash dishes. There are piles of things everywhere. So we’ve had a pretty spotless house for a few weeks now. I like it, but sometimes you just want to come home after work and say screw it, I’m not washing a load of clothes and I’ll put the dishes in the sink in the dishwasher tomorrow.

5. I am beginning to question my desire for my job. I like it in theory. I like the writing, I like the material, etc. but being a manager and dealing with office politics etc. has never been something I’m even remotely interested in. Plus I don’t have as much free time at work any more and that sucks.

6. My old boss, the one who told me when I got this job that I should color my hair and get some new clothes, passed me in the hall the other day and told me I should think about joining her in the work Weight Watchers meetings. I realize I could stand to lose weight, and oddly enough I think I have lately because my clothes fit differently but I don’t really use scales, and I do not think she was trying to be mean, but DAMN!

7. Here’s a fun way to test your geography skills.

8. Hypothetically speaking my life is half over. I will be 38 in 18 days. Women in my family tend to live into their late 70s, early 80s. This is a sobering thought. I have so much left to do.

9. Does anyone other than me like or remember the group Outfield? Josie’s on a vacation far away, come around we’ll talk it over. I just want to use your love tonight.

10. My kids favorite songs right now are from my Awesome 80s CDs—Love Shack, Straight Up (Paula Abdul), Another One Bites the Dust and Maniac (from Flashdance). They know most of the words. I’m so proud. ; )

Recommended reading

This an awesome book. It's exactly like the book I would write if I wrote a book. It's random and funny, poignant and interesting. A life listing of sorts.









I recently finished this one, and it was a good read. To me it was the story of a woman searching for the meaning in her life when all along it was right under her nose, but she never realized it.

Quotes for your enjoyment

I am trying to post more frequently because I feel a sense of responsiblity to entertain the 3-4 people who read this on occassion. Plus I just like quotes. : )
Have a good weekend!

"I wasn't kissing her; I was just whispering in her mouth."
--Chico Marx

"I don't give my weight. I weigh a hundred and plenty."
--Wendy Morgan

"All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening."
--Alexander Woollcott

"Making the decision to have a child-it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."
--Elizabeth Stone

"Art is a collaboration between God and the artist, and the less the artist does the better."
--Andre Gide

"Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired."
--Jules Renard

"Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
--Robert Heinlein, Time Enough For Love

"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later."
--Mitch Hedberg, Mitch All Together

Toni Morrison wrote, "They straightened out the Mississippi River in places, to make room for houses and livable acreage. Occasionally the river floods these places ... but in fact it is not flooding; it is remembering. ... All water has a perfect memory and is forever trying to get back to where it was. Writers are like that: remembering where we were, what valley we ran through, what the banks were like, the
light that was there and the route back to our original place."

"If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity."
--Bill Vaughan

Nicholson Bakers said, "Most writers are secretly worried that they're not really writers. That it's all been happenstance, something came together randomly, the letters came together, and they won't coalesce ever again."

"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck."
--George Carlin

Random stuff

I'm sitting here like I don't have a damn thing to do but can't seem to concentrate. I was reading through my blog, damn, sometimes I'm pretty funny huh?, and realized that I started more than one entry with the whole it's been a long time since my last confession thing. Why did I think that was funny? I apologize.

I say that rocks a lot, I don't know why because I do not say this in real life, at least I'm not aware that I say that.

Here are some random things:

1. July 4th ended up being pretty cool. It stormed, which I love, and then we got closer than normal to the fireworks (I could feel them thundering in my chest), which I love, and the city put them off faster than normal because they were afraid it would start raining again. The downside is that the storm tore up our patio furniture.

2. We're seriously talking about quitting smoking.

3. We are now into the 6th season of West Wing.

4. I got to visit with my friend TL in Vegas and now I'm incredibly jealous that in the next year or two he will be participating in a marathon in ANTARCTICA! I can't begin to tell you how cool I think that is.

5. I'm highly influencable (is that a word?). Does this mean that I'm stupid and have no thoughts or original ideas? I do not know.

6. I am recovering from poison ivy. My doctor said poison ivy loves the green house effect because the oils in the ivy keep getting stronger and the plant is thriving. Oh, super great news for me, one who can catch it it seems by just saying it's freaking name. I still am not sure how I got this batch of it. I still have a scar on my arm from last year's infestation.

7. I now have seen Train twice, the same number of times I've seen Rod. What does this mean? I saw Pat, the lead singer, without a shirt (well, we all did because he took it off on stage). Not bad, not bad at all.

8. I do not have a current passport.

9. I have started drinking more water lately, probably because of the new fridge with the ice and water in the door.

10. I have made guacamole from scratch now and totally love it. However, since I'm the only one in my house that will eat green things it's hard to make guac for one.

Flower power

So here it is, the tatt. I'm glad I got it. It needs touched up, but otherwise I'm pleased with it.

I have to tell you, it didn't hurt nearly as bad as I thought it would. I really psyched myself out and thought it would be excruciating. It wasn't pleasant, but I'd describe it as uncomfortable more than anything. It took about 45 minutes to do. I was in a prone position on my stomach because the tatt is located on my ass, not the cheeky part but not the hip, sort of in between.

Days before The Girl and Boy were vehemently against our getting them. The Girl said "Mom, you know 75% of the people who get tattoos are bikers."
I have no idea where she pulled that figure from, but they really didn't want us to get them.

After they saw them The Girl decided it was pretty cool and The Boy is ok with it except he can't believe I got it on my butt. Holy Mother of Pearl he says, why did you put it on your butt? That's gross! LOL

Here is The Hubby's:



His stands for drive and determination equal destiny. It's very fitting for him. He's already talking about getting something else even though I think his hurt worse than mine. We got them done at the same time (his is on his upper arm) but I think my tattoist was better than his.

Now when I'm out and about I find myself looking at people's tattoos, something I never did before.

Because you gotta have friends

One of my first posts (WOW! I just realized I've been blogging for a year!) was about my inability to retain friends (too bad I don't have this same problem with water and food).

This past weekend made me realize I was wrong. Saturday the fam and I spent the day with a group of six friends at one of our friend's house in the mountains of Virginia--also known as Bum Fuck Egypt.

My family has been to BFE before, but we still laughed at the driving directions because you know anytime directions include the phrase "turn left at the road that has no name" you're going out in the middle of nowhere. Just so you know, the middle of nowhere is an awesome place to be.

The friend, I'll call him Hutch ; ), has a house at the end of a winding gravel road with a creek running through the front yard. It was Heaven. Peaceful, relaxing and just wonderful.

Anyway back to the friend topic. I worked with two of the girls, B and T (to protect their privacy) going on 8 years ago. We've not actually worked together for four years but we've kept in touch through sporadic lunches, get togethers at someone's house and of course emails. While we worked together we met Sneal (to protect his privacy). He worked down the hall and we'd often sneak down to his office and hang out because he had a sofa and we could hide from our boss. Hutch is B's significant other (I never know what to call him because they've been together for like a million years but they aren't married and they don't necessarily live together all the time, boyfriend just seems not quite enough) and Sneal had his wife there and T's significant other was there as well as my Hubby and the kids. There is another part of this group, Chrusty and her husband and kids, but they've moved out of state and we don't see them that often.

When this group gets together it's always fun. Usually my Hubby and Chrusty's husband are the trouble makers--nothing is too taboo to say or do. We have been known to play Strip Scrabble for example. Regardless of how long it's been since we've seen or talked to each other we always fall back into that comfortable rhythm you have with people you love and like. They are my family.

This particular visit the boys enjoyed some questionable spirits (aka moonshine); the Hubby then napped in the hammock and serenaded us all with his bull-frog snoring; Hutch and B took turns taking the kids on rides on their four-wheeler; the kids played in the creek; we enjoyed photos of T's trip to Italy; watched Sneal take a nap in a chair and I showed off my tatt : )

I have some great friends and I guess all in all I can keep friends, even if I don't work with them or see them every day.

Yeah Me!

Miami sucks

It's been a while since my last confession...I mean post.

I went to Miami on business a couple of weeks ago. The business part of it was fine; good actually. I had to speak in front of people some and I did so without fainting. I also drove around Miami by myself and didn't cause any accidents. Miami drivers like to honk their horns a lot though, for no apparent reason.

It was hot there. I'm not talking a little warm, I'm talking walk outside at 10 a.m. and you melt. Miserable. I only saw the ocean when I was driving over the causeways to get to my hotel even though my hotel was on the beach.

I should have known it was going to be a bad experience when I first got to the hotel--one that claims every room has an ocean view. The desk clerk gave me my room key and told me I had a lovely view of the island. (We were staying on Key Biscayne.)
I got on the elevator to go to the 8th floor. It stopped on 4 and the doors didn't open. It hung there for about 10 minutes after I pushed the emergency button. The doors opened and I switched elevators. I got to my room and neither one of the key cards worked. Back down stairs, luggage in tow, for a new key. During the whole trip only one of my keys worked. My lovely view of the island turned out to be the front parking lot of the hotel with some palm trees.

I was to leave Miami at 8 p.m. Friday. I proudly walked into the airport around 6 p.m. after returning the rental car, a nightmare of it's own because of all the airport construction. The car return place had to be about 20 minutes from the airport it seemed.

I found my gate, which was conveniently located right beside the only smoking area in the airport (and it was an outdoor smoking area rather than a closed off room). Around 7:45 p.m. I looked up from my Suduko game and thought, hmm, shouldn't they be boarding my flight now? The gate in front of me, which I thought was mine, was empty. I got up and walked around a bit and realized my gate was downstairs!
I made it there in time to get on the shuttle to take us to the plane.

The shuttle was packed full of people, standing room only. A couple with a young baby was in front of me and did not realize the meaning of personal space. I think the man stepped on my foot about 10 times and rummaged in his bag so much I could have identified everything in it.

The bus driver said we'd have to wait on the bus until the pilot ok'd everything. He didn't. The bus driver took us back to the terminal and said maintenance was working on an intercom system problem. Back at the gate three other American Airline flights had also been delayed.

8:30--flight still delayed.
By this time I'd met a fellow passenger, a woman from Miami who was flying to my city to visit family. She was perfectly nice but petrified of flying; the last time she'd flown was in the 70s on an American Airline that had terrible turbulance.
To calm herself she'd had a few drinks earlier, thinking the buzz would last her through the two hour flight to my city. She was not drunk or beligerent at all, but talkative. I learned a lot about her as we sat and waited for the 1/2 hour updates saying they were still working on the plane.

Finally at 11:30 p.m. the flight was cancelled (the other delayed flights had since taken off). AA arranged for rooms for everyone, my new-found friend cancelled her trip and went home. We were instructed to pick up our luggage at baggage claim and come back in the morning for a 6:20 a.m. US Air flight, which had a three hour layover in another city.

Walking to baggage claim I was immediately struck by the emptiness of the airport (it's a huge international airport--where are all the people?), and all of the vendors that were closed. I fell in with some fellow passengers--a troop of senior girl scouts and their moms who were on their way home from a cruise and a nice lady from Bogata who spoke no English and followed me around like I knew what the hell was going on.

We waited at baggage claim for awhile--nothing was happening. One of the girl scout mom's asked the baggage claim attendant where our luggage was. The woman didn't know. I went up to ask and the woman, who was standing there cutting up handmade signs, said, "Ma'am, if there are other people on your flight you should all come up here at the same time because it's inconvenient for me to tell you all one by one the same thing--your luggage will be at your final destination."
Me: Uh, you REALLY do not want to talk to me about being inconvenienced right now. I just want to know where my luggage is. Where is your supervisor?
Her: She's not here and if she was she'd tell you the same thing--it will be at your final destination and if not you can file a claim at your final destination.

So, around 12:30, with no luggage, we got the shuttle to our hotel. After calling home and having a mini-breakdown over the whole thing I went to sleep for a couple of hours. I caught the 6:20 a.m. flight and the captain was nice enough to tell us our luggage from the cancelled flight made it on board. I breathed a sign of relief.
I sat through the 3 hour layover in a city less than 2 hours from home and was happy to be in the same state.

When I arrived at my final destination my luggage did not. The baggage clerk in my city was so nice--she said the luggage would be on the next flight because the one I was on was over it's weight limit. They delivered it to my house that evening.
I will never ever fly American Airlines or visit Miami again.

The incontinent Fridge

I bought something and paid more for it because of the brand name today.

Our appliances started staging a coup several months ago. Initially it was the Fridge. It started with funny noises once in awhile. The Hubby gave it a good vacuuming (retrieving enough fur to make another animal which could have been a dog/cat) and it was fine for awhile. Then it started peeing on the floor once it awhile. The incontinence turned into a daily event and lately it was like two or three times a day. Last week the dryer saw all the attention the Fridge was getting and decided hot air wasn’t necessary to dry clothes. The Fridge kept peeing on the floor, the dryer wasn’t drying; the washer, despite its broken knob and pieced together hoses, was working just fine.

By the grace of a good friend telling us her neighbor had a washer and dryer she’d sell us for $10 each (and then she didn’t even take the money) today I got a new-to-me set and can wash and dry clothes again.

The Fridge’s accidents remained a problem so we went to the local big-box home center and scouted out a replacement. I don’t know anything about appliances. The Fridge we had came with the trailer we had, purchased in 1994. I thought it was cool at the time because it could be black or white with a removable panel.

So we’re in the store looking at new Fridges—they all look alike. We walk around opening the doors like the Holy Grail’s inside or something. The only requirement we really had was that the Hubby wanted water and ice in the door and he wanted a side-by-side. I’d always thought I wanted a Fridge with the freezer on the bottom, mainly because that’s the type of setup my Maw-Maw had when I was little and it was the only one I’d ever seen like that. My Mom recently got one like that and I realized what a pain it was and nixed the idea. So we looked at side-by-sides. Hmm, all look alike, 25 cubic feet, 26 cubic feet, look the same. I had no idea my current incontinent Fridge was so small at a mere 18.5 cubic feet, it always looked normal to me.

It finally came down to a Frigidaire or a Roper for $100 less. I don’t know the name Roper. Of course the salesperson wasn’t very helpful, just told us the Frigidaire was better made. They looked the same. But, since I didn’t know what to look for I relied on the brand name I recognized and got the Frigidaire. It will be delivered Tuesday.

The Hubby stood in front of the old one this evening with a glass held to the door; he was practicing for ice and water dispensing. I console myself for buying the name because I didn’t by the really high-end units. What exactly does a refrigerator that costs $2,500 do? I swear, aside from the sleek black or stainless steel exteriors (which show finger prints horribly) I couldn’t find that much more on the elite fridges compared to the one I bought. They don’t cook the food for you or shop for it; they aren’t self-fillable. I don’t get it!

Deep thoughts…

Well, I guess they aren’t really deep, but they are thoughts.

Because of some unfortunate and potentially detrimental things going on with The Hubby’s job right now the other night we had a conversation about starting our own business. You’d think after all my years interviewing retailers I’d have better sense than to even think about opening my own store, but the seed has been planted. (Feel free to talk me out of this!)

It wouldn’t be for a couple of years, but I have to admit there is some excitement to the thought. I think I’m aware of a lot of the drawbacks, but the romance of creating your own vision and bringing it to fruition is intoxicating—and if I could make money at it and not work for the man, even better.

I have an idea of the type of store I’d like, down to the building, product and what I’d like to do with it. The Hubby could totally be the business mind of it all.
(Non sequitor—ok, the commercial about not smoking pot is on TV right now—it’s the one with the guy and the girl sitting there with the girl that’s just flat. Her friend says this is how she’s been since she started smoking pot; she doesn’t want to do anything. What a crock of shit. Ok, maybe it’s just her timing. Don’t smoke pot in the middle of the day because yes it could make you lethargic, but a little night time indulgence while you’re watching West Wing doesn’t make you not want to do anything. Also, smoking ganga doesn’t mean the next step is shooting heroine or building a meth lab in your garage.)

Back to the deep thoughts—so I’m very interested in the idea of starting my own store. I know it would have to be a high-end store; I know the product categories I’d carry; and it would be that horrible word—eclectic, in style because I don’t do traditional and I don’t do modern. I would have in-store events, a Web site, blog, use direct mail, be involved in community events, offer a few spiffs to my employees and have fun. : ) I know, way over-simplified, but it could happen.

After the camping trip with the Girl I also had the idea that I might like to be a Girl Scout troop leader or at least an assistant. I’m at most of her meetings as it is now, and I know I could do a better job that the leader she had this year. I don’t really know what’s holding me back, perhaps the responsibility of it, but in reality it’s just two nights a month for the most part. The Girl has acted a bit differently toward me since we went camping. She’s always been affectionate, but in the last year or so not as spontaneously affectionate as she once was, at least with me. But since the camping trip she will come up and sit on my lap or hug on me or just sit by me, something that used to be reserved for The Hubby.

The Boy's broken heart

If you've been reading Creative Kerfuffle you may already know of The Boy's love for one of my best friends, Donut. She's 10 years younger than me and about 20 years older than him, yet since the first time he met her he's had a crush on her.

When Donut started dating Jelly I told the Boy it was serious. At that time he seemed ok with it, realizing Donut wasn't really going to marry him. About a month ago Donut and Jelly were coming for dinner.

Me: Donut and them will be here around 6 p.m.
The Boy: Oh, I need to get a shower. Uh, who's them?
Me: Donut and Jelly, her boyfriend.
The Boy: Guess I don't need to take a shower then.

He pouted for awhile and when they arrived he spent the rest of the evening writing her love notes and not talking to Jelly.

Last week Donut called to say Jelly had proposed; she's engaged.
The Boy heard me talking on the phone and threw himself down and started pounding the floor. He got up and ran off.
I found him later sitting on the couch moping.
Me: What's wrong?
The Boy: I don't want Donut marrying Jelly. (He's sobbing uncontrollably at this point)
Me: Boy, she's too old for you. Besides, Donut will still be your friend and still love you even when she's married.
The Hubby: C'mere boy. (Boy sits on his lap.) Have you ever flirted with a married woman?
The Boy: DADDY! You can't do that. Do you think Donut will let me be her best man?
The Hubby: Girl's don't have best men Buddy. Besides, by the time you're old enough to have a little buddy of your own Donut will be an old lady and won't be able to have kids.
The Boy: Where's the phone, I need to call Donut.
Me: Don't be mean to her.
I dial the phone and he's quit crying and starts talking to her.
Before he gets out the word congratulations he starts crying again and hands me the phone.
Donut: Tell him I'll dance with him at the wedding.
I tell him and he puffs out his chest.
The Boy: Really? I need to get a tux.
Me: Honey, the wedding's not until next spring, we have time.