Thursday, July 3, 2008

one reason i love blogging because you can talk about things on your blog you might not feel comfortable talking about IRL. however, i pretty much talk about everything IRL but blogging has introduced me to some cool women and i like the feeling of community i get from reading their blogs and commenting.

i was just commenting on one such blog and realized it was getting WAY too long so i'm posting my comment here instead.

the topic is how long has it been since you've had sex and how long is too long and even w/ extenuating circumstances it's a dilemma.

this particular blogger and her hubby haven't had it for a year, partly because of scheduling/school, kids and medical things.

i'm a firm believer in different things work for different couples and if one doesn't feel like it or can't then enough said. the hubs and i have had dry spells through the years--we've been married nearly 16 yrs so of course there were dry spells. i think the longest we've gone is a few months (the hubs would know to the exact minute and he would probably say it was six months) but that's been several years ago. it was always me when we were going through dry spells and it always had to do with my emotions more than the physical part of it. when i used to stress out big time about money and life and everything surrounding that the last thing i wanted to do was have sex. when the hubs stresses out he sees sex as a stress reliever--obviously that caused issues.

i think too during those times we weren't as emotionally close as we've become and that had a part in it. i think if you can talk to each other about it and work it out, whether that means you have sex more often or not, but as long as you're both on the same page it's ok.

that being said--i know my parents haven't had sex for like 5 years (they're only 60) and that i don't understand. their relationship is fucked up on myriad levels though. they aren't emotionally connected at all; i'm not even sure if they like each other.

there have been rare occasions when i've been the one wanting it more than the hubs and i have to admit, i pout and let him know of my unhappiness. masturbating is all well and good but one needs more than that.

another issue is the kids. this too is different for each couple/family. one of my blogger friend's issues is that one of her kids stays up late (i have one of those too. she goes to bed at 9 or 10 but often is still reading at midnight and our room is across the hall from hers). the hubs and i have learned to become opportunists when it comes to sex with kids in the house. we're typically night owls anyway so staying up past when the kids go to bed isn't an issue, though usually by that late i'm too tired. it's not uncommon for us to come home from work and go to our room and lock the door before we even have dinner. my kids aren't stupid and i'm sure they know we're having sex but i'm ok w/ that. we don't play tonsil hockey in front of our kids but we're affectionate and i'm ok w/ that. my parents never were and they never really talked about sex or anything so it was all like a dirty secret thing. i don't want my kids to see sex that way. sometimes if we both get off work early and the kids are still in daycare, we take advantage of an empty house. we've even fooled around in the living room when they've gone to bed (and one kid was in our bed).

bottom line is i think you have to be on the same page with the frequency and talk about it. and if you both want it, lock the bedroom door or sneak home in the middle of the day or something.

oh, and one more thing--i think the sex drive is a cyclical thing for women much more so than men. as i approach 40 (good lord, yes it's true) i'm realizing that i've matured a lot in the last 5 years and i think of things and handle things differently than i did. you really do get past the point where his socks on the floor near the hamper (or in the den or under the couch) don't send you into a hellacious tirade where you seeth with anger. i also think there is a point in a woman's life where she hits a sexual peak and though it's different for us all i think it starts in the late 30s. at least it did for me.

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