unleash the hounds of hell

so, if you've been reading lately (i think some of you have fallen asleep) you may have heard that the stupid dogs have been houdining out of the yard.

last year they disappeared for awhile and then, after countless days of searching, driving around, posting posters, etc., they just waltzed back into the yard without a care in the world.

about every other day this week my wonderful next door neighbor, an elderly english woman who tends to like her cocktails but that's ok cos she's really nice and loves her dogs too, has called me at work, usually before 10:30 am to tell me special k (keely) or leah are out of the yard and in her yard or the one next door. both are fenced so it's not like they're running willy nilly (just what is that anyway? willy nilly?) all over the place, but still, they are out of bounds (like that sports metaphor? yeah i'm good like that).

today i was away from my desk and she left a frantic message. keely was out again, this time in an unfenced yard. the poor woman drove around the neighborhood collecting my dog. and it's freezing outside and raining.

another frantic call and she tells me she has keely on her deck but i should come quickly.

i get home and it's still pouring rain and freezing. leah is being a good girl and is in our yard. for now. keely is romping around in the neighbor lady's yard/swimming pool/mudpit. did i mentioned it was raining? and freezing cold?

i get the leash and go to get keely out of the yard. i've decided fuck it the dogs will be housebound today cos i don't know what else to do. (they normally stay outside when we aren't home.)

i enter the yard and keely runs from me. i have to corner her to get the leash on her. success. i walk her back to our house and in she goes. in the time it took me to walk keely back to our house, leah has crawled under the fence into one neighbor's yard and has now firmly lodged herself under the fence trying to get in the yard i'd just removed keely from.

lodged i tell you. (did i mention it's pouring rain? and all the yards are pretty much flooded?) leah is a reubenesque black lab (i say that cos the hubs gets offended if i say she's a fat ass). the front half of her is in the neighbor lady's yard, actually in a mud pool (bigger than a puddle) and the back, ahem, LARGER part of her is stuck in the other yard. the neighbor lady and i are trying to get her out. she is firmly lodged and is whining. i start to panic and wonder what animal rescuers would do? i try digging with my frozen wet hands. not working. then the other neighbor comes out on his deck in his robe (he's a cop and works nights some). i ask for his help.

he goes back in to get dressed. i'm leaning down close to leah trying to talk to her to calm her down cos she's pretty uncomfortable. (did i mention the rain? and the cold?) as i talk to her she starts waggging her tail. mud flies. all over me.

the cop comes out and first tries to pull her backwards back into his yard. she's not budging. tail still wagging, mud still flying. then he gets a shovel and starts digging leah out. he finally removes enough mud to build a few adobes and she pulls her large ass, i mean shapely body, through to the neighbor lady's yard and then does what all dogs do when they're wet. and covered with mud. she shakes it off. : )

i put her on the leash and walk her home. into the house she goes. the kitchen floor, covered in mud. both wet muddy dogs crawl up on the couches. i wash my hands, happy to feel the warmth of the water. i look in the mirror. i have dots of splattered mud all over my face. nice.

while i contemplate taking the dogs to the pound i clean up, change shirts, wipe the mud off my shoes, put on dry socks, blow dry my sopping wet hair, find my other coat cos the one i had on was covered in mud and then call the hubs to update him. he was in charlotte today.

looking back at it now i wish i could have taped it cos it now is funny as hell to me. this morning, as i spent nearly 2 hours in hell/wet/mud/rain/freezing/with muddy unruly dogs/--not so funny. plus ya know i had to leave work for the third time this week when it was crunch time.

stupid dogs.