Monday, February 4, 2008

self-absorbed

since my aunt described my parents as being self-absorbed something has been slithering around in the corners of my mind.

i think i'm self-absorbed. i've talked about this before, long time ago, about how i don't think i'm a very good friend and i think it goes hand in hand with being self-absorbed.

aside from the comment from my aunt it's also running through my mind because i've recently gotten back in touch with one of my best friends from high school. there were three of us, inseparable from 10th grade on. after high school, when we all moved back to the states and were scattered across the country, it was harder to keep up but two of us did for a long while.

then things happened, the last one being that i couldn't go to her wedding. honestly i don't remember all of the details now cos the altzheimer's is trickling in, but i know at the time the hubs and i were not doing well and finances were abysmal. i had just started w/ this company that requires a lot of travel, something i'd never done before, and basically life sucked. i have no doubt that better communication on my part would have helped the situation but i was so self-absorbed in what was going on in my life that i didn't follow through.

since then, which was several years ago, we've sent christmas cards and emailed a few times, but not much and i always missed her. i was sad and i guess a bit bitter and really didn't know how to fix things. i got a post card from her recently, she's expecting her first baby this spring. then i got a mass change of email email from her so i emailed her back. we're emailing back and forth now. will we ever get back to what we had? i don't know if you can after so long. i know that aside from the hubs she's my oldest friend.

she was probably the first person i met that i could be sarcastic with. it was so liberating. i always felt a bit less around her though, not because of anything she said or did, but because of my own insecurities/baggage. she was an only child and her parents had more money than we did (again, she never acted like a rich kid); she was smarter than me in things like math and science. she had cool clothes. she traveled. even after high school she was always such a strong, independent person and i felt like i never measured up to her. weird cos i loved her a lot, despite how i sometimes felt around her.

anyway, see how self-absorbed i am? ; ) . so, to you my friends and family, if you feel like i'm neglecting you or am not paying attention to what's going on in your life or you need me and i'm not there please please please tell me. i won't get mad. ok, i might a little but i will get over it and i will be glad that you're being honest with me. ok?

2 comments:

Donut said...

I don't think you are more self-absorbed than anyone else ... I mean, when we all have negative things going on in our life, whether it is stressing out about paying a bill, dealing with family, etc., it's easy to tune out others. I'll be the first to admit I have the same feelings, too. I have come to realize I can not be the best listener at times, in fact I am acutely aware of instances when I totally tune out, which drives my hubby crazy, and I'm working on it.

broad minded said...

wow. i wouldn't think of either of you as being self absorbed or of tuning people out.

now me on the other hand . . .;)