i'm on the verge of slipping into a seriously ugly mood. we could chalk it up to:
1. it's probably getting to be that time of month (i'm still off whack thanks to donut's pregnancy)
2. i go out of town again sunday (home on thursday) for my fucking conference, which i am totally dreading
3. my publisher dropped a totally ridiculous bombshell on me five minutes before 5 p.m. today. (i'm not much of one to stay after 5 unless absolutely necessary cos i feel like i give more than my fair share of work throughout the day/weekends/holidays/out-of-town trips). i don't want to go into too much detail lest i expose myself but she gave me a head's up that she's talking to the big boss about selling a fucking ad on my cover! are you kidding me? god i would love to be a journalism professor so i could tell all those wide-eyed budding journalists that the separation between church and state (edit and ads) is really a stupid myth they lure you into believing. i realize we have to make money but where the hell do you draw the line? why do we even pretend to have any editorial integrity when it can be bought when times are tough? i'm so disgusted right now i could just hurl. i want out.
4. the economy sucks ass. the hubs informed me that jointly our 401Ks have lost money every day since jan. 1. i realize these are long term investments and we have other coals in the fire but fuck, the way this is going when (if) we ever get to retire i'm going to be eating (cheap) cat food and living in a shed.
5. since before christmas, aside from a handful of family functions, we haven't done anything social with my bro/sil/nephew or friends. this is nobody's fault but our own. either i've been out of town or just got back into town or the hubs has been out of town or we've had school/scout related crap going on. i'm ready for an adult weekend.
6. i want someone to invent disposable clothes because i'm so fucking tired of washing clothes and folding clothes and hanging clothes and putting clothes away that i'm really tempted to move to a nudist colony. ok, not really cos i'm too self-conscious, but i can see where it would have its appeal.
7. i think i've been thinking this for quite some time but i really am beginning to hate my job. i used to console myself that there were at least parts of it i liked. i love many of my co-workers and some have become my best friends. i even like some of the people in my industry. i like writing. but that life/balance scale is not tipping anywhere near where i want it to. i realize that many (most?) people don't really like their jobs but i can't help thinking that that's not the way it's supposed to be. you shouldn't have to compromise your beliefs or ethics or sacrifice so much of your personal life for a job.
i just want to scream FUCK at the top of my lungs and stomp and cuss and cry and beat the shit out of someone.
maybe i'll make some brownies instead.