when it rains it pours

it's been quite a week around here. the work things going on this week seem pathetic at this point (i started moving my stuff to the pod from hell).

thursday night the hubs and i went to see jeff dunham w/ my bro and sil. it was pretty good. it's been a long time since we did a grown up thing and this one had been planned for quite awhile. google him, he's pretty funny. he has shows on comedy central too.

friday am i went to get my wisdom teeth (and two others) extracted. nice valium before the appt. i couldn't tell if it was the valium or lack of coffee that early in the morning but i wasn't nervous or anxious at all. i sat in the chair, they hooked me up to some laughing gas, then pricked me w/ the iv and that's the last i remember. i remember sitting in post op w/ the hubs and coming home and was basically in and out of it after that for the rest of the day. vickies every so many hours. yesterday was much of the same. the hubs kept me medicated. he took the kids to my oldest niece's bday party and last night took them to see the hulk.

in the meantime my friend donut went into labor (good thing she changed her mind and wanted her sister in the delivery room instead of me), my father-in-law went into the hospital and my florida bil is basically considered terminally ill now and wants his family to come visit while he's still around.

all of this going on while i'm heavily medicated.

today i'm feeling a bit better, though the swelling has set in. nice. the anesthesia has worn off completely but i'm still sore. the hubs is probably going to fl wednesday to see his brother.

donut had her baby at 2:30 something this morning.

also, last weekend my friend big t was in a car wreck and her car is totalled and she's going to have to have surgery on her elbow. i know she's bummed about her car but i'm so very thankful that she's ok (well, as ok as you can be w/ a torn up elbow and totalled car). things could always be worse.

kung POW panda

if you have not yet seen kung fu panda, you must. even if you don't have kids. this movie is hysterical. jack black is awesome as the voice of po, the protagonist/panda. i almost peed my pants laughing when he said skadoosh. the boy and i might just add this word, skadoosh, to our every day vocabulary.

skadoosh. it's fun to say. skadoosh. it makes me LOL for real.

i'm judgemental

i admit it. i totally judge people by their musical preferences. and not only that, i judge them a little based on their PASSION for music. if someone doesn't have a favorite song, singer or band i wonder, silently, what is wrong with them.

there are musical extremists in my book and i blatantly judge them, although i know for a fact my judgements are incorrect.

for example. i have a first cousin who is in his late 20s and married. he has always made fun of my musical likes--prince, rod, phil collins, etc. while his musical tastes swerve into the marilyn manson genre. heavy, violent music i don't understand. i label people who hear (you can't listen to it) that music as violent and stupid, though my cousin is neither. but how can you hear music you can't understand the lyrics to?

country. this is a hard one because there really are a lot of country artists i love. mary chapin carpenter, patsy cline, johnny cash, the judds. plus, i grew up hearing a lot of the old country and like it too. however, i have found that typically teenagers who listen to country exclusively drive big ass trucks w/ gun racks on them, think flannel is appropriate for every season and wear cowboy hats or ball caps all of the time. and they're stupid. (you see the pattern here?) and they're usually racists and have no goals in life. (yes, i KNOW how horrible i'm sounding.)

those really are the only two genres i have strong opinions on.

well, no not really. classical. this too is a genre i can appreciate and do appreciate from time to time. though not strictly classical per se, the sound track to out of africa is so totally awesome. however, in my mind, people who exclusively listen to classical music are incredibly smart (and i aspire to be that smart) but they can also be holier than thou (uh, like i'm NOT being w/ this post?).

if someone told me their favorite band of all time was new kids on the block or the hanson brothers, gah, i'd say they're idiots.

gah

fasten your seat belts ladies and gentlemen, this promises to be a very random, non sequitor post since it's been a few days and i have a lot on my mind and i just got up about 30 mins ago (yes it is almost 11 am) and i've only had the one cup of coffee. oh yeah, and the post will be long because i have no text editor in my brain.

**the hubs had his annual stress test thursday. he didn't die on the treadmill and that's the most important thing. he was wiped out at the end of the day though. after dinner he went to bed. for the night. i checked on him periodically. when i went to bed i couldn't go to sleep until i was sure he was breathing. kind of like when the kids were first born and you checked them constantly?

**the girl went to a birthday party yesterday. for some reason the recent trend among my daughter's friends is to have their parties at celebration station which is like 20-25 minutes from the house. this poses several issues. one, if the part takes me 30 mins to get to and lasts for an hour and a half is it worth it for me to leave and come back? no. do i sit at a separate table waiting? uh. the first one of these we didn't let her go to because it coincided w/ another party and it was going to end in a sleepover and we didn't know the parents. this party yesterday started at 5pm. ok really? am i REALLY the only fucking mother in this fucking town that works? who schedules a party for 5pm on friday? ok i realize maybe it was a booking issue but really? HOWEVER i must add the mother was incredibly gracious and not only offered (and did) pick the girl up from daycare (while we were still at work) but she brought her home. she said she would bring her home between 8:30-9. at 9 my heart started racing. ok, sue me i get paranoid when my kids aren't where they should be. yeah i know, i'm going to be in big trouble when they're teens huh? i called their house. uh, the number was changed. from just two days ago? really? more freaking (internally so the hubs wouldn't TOTALLY start calling the cops). 9:20 they show up and she calls "i'm sorry for being a little late" from the car. i should have given the girl her cell phone back. i took it away from her last night because while they were supposed to be cleaning their rooms she took a picture of the boy on the toilet instead. (oh, and the number was changed because they're moving.)

**my florida brother-in-law is back in the hospital. i don't even know how to describe what is going on with him. in a nutshell his body is slowly shutting down due to complications from diabetes. we don't know the whole story, it's hard to get a true one from him or his wife, but he's not even two years older than the hubs and his kidneys are failing, he's had his gall bladder out, they can't regulate his blood pressure, his stomach is doing something (shutting down), etc. though the hubs is stoic about it i know it's tearing him up. the FIL and his wife are being total tools about the whole thing. the FIL says he'll go to see him if he gets worse (uh, hellfuckinglo, really?) his wife has positioned herself as the new matriarch of the family and has taken over being the gatekeeper of the info by talking daily to the BIL's doctors. i am sitting her thinking, omg, if i don't take care of the hubs this is what we're going to be looking at down the line.

** though i've known this forever in the back of my twisted brain it finally made it to the front of my brain like the fat kid that finally gets picked for the team in dodge ball. i have confrontation issues. when it comes to anyone except the hubs i avoid confrontation like the plague. i will let people walk all over me, i won't speak up if something bothers me. like with my friends IRL. i don't typically confront them if something they do upsets or bothers me. i'm a wuss. i used to be the same way with my parents. here's the secret folks. i'm afraid if i confront people they'll leave. i've never had this problem w/ the hubs. in my heart, though we broke up and on the surface i thought i didn't want to be w/ him sometimes, i have always known that whatever happened he would be there. he won't leave me. i can confront him. my friends? i'm too wussy. i'm going to work on that though.

**my cat is going downhill. he's 17. he is skin and bones (he's always been a skinny cat. always) he has long hair and really can't take care of himself. though he's in no visible signs of pain and he still purrs almost all of the time he's awake, i wonder if i'm fooling myself that he's really ok because i don't want to admit he's not. when we had to put chloe down (12 yr old beagle) 4 years ago i knew it was for the best because she was in pain/laboring to breathe, etc. w/ rebel it's just not so clear.

**holy shit i think my daughter is starting to like country music. don't judge. there's nothing wrong (per se) w/ country, i have some country cds and like SOME country music. but i did not prefer country in my formative years. my judgemental self assumes if you like music as a preteen/teen you're a redneck kid and god, i don't know if i could deal w/ a redneck kid. i might have to set up a parental block on CMT.

big moon and boobs

i gots 'em.

butt seriously, thanks to big t for sharing this story about the huge moon tonight. maybe i can snap a picture.

now to the boobs.

if you've been reading for any amount of time you know by now the hubs and i have some off the wall conversations (even when not under a mary jane influence). this conversation started the other day when we were sitting on the patio after work.

here's the brief back story so at least it doesn't seem like this is just random; it did have it's roots in something.

a few days ago a bikini-clad woman came into one of the hubs' stores (he works in the convenience store biz. we do not OWN these stores but they are under his purveyance if you will) and the manager (male) and assistant manager (female) were commenting on it. the female said it was slutty and she was just looking for attention because you just don't wander around in public (unless you're at a pool/beach) in a bathing suit.

as with many, many things, this fermented in the hubs' brain and led to our patio discussion.

his theory (i'm paraphrasing here) is that women wear low-cut shirts knowing they will, at some point, bend over and show off their cleavage. his question is whether this is intentional? and he thinks it is.

my response (as someone who sometimes wears lower cut shirts--because it accentuates your assets and makes your neck look longer and takes the eyes away from the hip-thigh-ass area) was that it is not intentional. i do not wear belly-button low shirts and hoist the girls up and out, as you do sometimes see. i also do not go around bending over in order to offer a show. i am sure at some point someone has seen the tops of my boobs (check out this post about my word choice) however i am not intentionally doing this.

the hubs took this conversation back to the store and the male agreed w/ him, girls do it on purpose and so did the female! really? she even went so far as to say that when girls try on shirts they bend over in front of the mirror to see what it looks like. again, REALLY?

so ladies--voice your thoughts on this. do women purposely put the girls on display?

the hubs' humor

here are just a few examples of the hubs' humor over the last two days. first, on father's day he said, "you know, when people are wishing you happy father's day, they're basically congratulating you for having sex." (he also says this about baby showers)

last night we were talking about the animal the dogs killed in the yard saturday. my google searching tells me it was most likely a ground hog : ( anyway, i said, "where do you think it came from?" the hubs said, "his father's penis originally." yes, this is not the first, nor the last time i'll hear this catchy come back.

need another laugh?

the boy has his own catch phrases, though is are cleaner of course. every night before he goes to bed he tells us each good night and kisses us (as does the girl) and then he says, "will you come check on me in a little bit?" he does this every single night without fail and has for as long as i can remember.

at dinner he often asks "so, what's going to be the dinner topic tonight?" last night out of the blue he asked, "are we part mexican?" i laughed, as i looked at my blonde-haired daughter and the light skin and freckles on both kids and the sun-burned hubs and said, "uh, no." i had to explain to him that even though two of his cousins are half-mexican (my sister's two kids by different dads) we are not.

ck trivia

1. i don’t like going barefoot. inside i wear slippers cos i’ve stepped on one too many legos or other toy parts over the years. outside, bees, rocks, dirt. i don’t like it. i like walking in nice, lush grass. ok, i like standing in it. i really don’t like being barefoot. this goes double for hotel rooms, even nice hotels. however, i love being barefoot on the beach.

2. i rarely sit in a chair w/ both feet on the floor. at least twice a week someone asks me what’s wrong w/ my foot/ankle or leg because it’s red because i’ve been sitting on it.

3. i can’t really chew gum w/out blowing bubbles.

4. i love floating in the pool, with my ears underwater, listening to the muffled voices above and staring up at the leaves against the backdrop of the blue sky.

5. the hubs and i once got sunburns so bad that we slept nekkid on separate couches for almost a week only moving to slather each other w/ that cooling blue gel.

6. we’ve been to disney world once (before we had kids) and i was under impressed. every ride seemed to be a boat in water w/ a different theme.

7. the dogs killed something in the yard this weekend. it was not an opossum. i do not know what it was. it was large and brown and dead. i put a garbage bag over it and picked it up. i cried.

8. i have a birthmark on my left thigh and another on my right foot on the second toe.

9. i have just recently discovered gouda and i want to marry it. i’m thinking gouda mac and cheese would be a slice of heaven.

10. i would like to learn to make yummy, homemade cole slaw.

11. one thing that makes me sad about my kids growing up is that they won’t remember everything. think about it. do you remember every single thing that happened to you as a kid? my kids love hearing stories about themselves, but they don’t remember the events. it makes me sad.

12. the boy and i played catch in the backyard last night (a first i’m not proud to say). it was actually fun until i hit him in the eye w/ the ball. he is fine and kept making a point to tell me it wasn’t my fault.

13. the girl has a freckle on her left ear lobe. i love that freckle.

14. when i went away to college the hubs gave me one of his shirts. for a long time i wore it as a pajama top and then (for reasons i can’t recall but i’m sure he does) i got pissed and shredded it. i was SUCH a bitch to him in the beginning. well, ok, for quite a long, long time actually.

15. with both pregnancies i was incredibly horny.

16. i am guy-like in that after sex i do not need to cuddle i just want to fall asleep.

17. i think it would be cool to have a rabbit or a pot bellied pig as a pet, but not right now.

18. i like watching jackass.

19. i think i could recognize the boy, the hubs and the girl by scent alone.

20. this weekend i had this sappy idea that the four of us should get matching t-shirts. we didn’t. yet.

weekend wrap

saturday morning the hubs got up at the butt crack (and i'm talking 4:30 or 5:00 a.m. i don't know what time exactly cos i did not get up) to start smoking a pork shoulder for bbq. around 5 something keely (the australian shepherd who's a little "special") jumped in the bed and started walking around on me. i got up to check on the hubs. for some reason whenever i'm still in bed and the hubs is up and i don't hear any noise i think he's either locked himself in the garage or on the patio. i don't know WHY i have this thought because he's never done it, but i do. so i got up to check and he was in the kitchen getting his meat ready (that's what she said). i went back to bed.

by the time i got up (9? 10? i don't know) his meat was smoking and he'd already checked the pool chemicals. we were having family over for the first swim of the season.

my sister and her kids arrived an hour early. it never fails. usually she or my mom or both arrive at anything we have about an hour early. this time she did call to say she was going to be early, but still.

for the most part it was an enjoyable time. the kids got to swim a little bit before we got hit w/ a thunderstorm. the bbq was awesome. i think my folks are just amazed that the hubs did that. my dad said, there's no meat worth getting up that early to cook and my mom asked if there was a way normal people could make that without all the work.

sunday the kids started waking me up around 6:30 to start father's day but i held them off until 9. then i got up and supervised while the girl made breakfast, set the table and wrapped the gifts. the boy wasn't much of a help at all. then the hubs got up, we had breakfast and he opened his gifts. a few weeks ago he got the first part of his gift. he'd been wanting a white rose tree. his mom's favorite flower was a white rose so he wanted it to honor her. i've got my grandma's peony, he has the white rose tree. he also got a big flower pot, wind chimes and a seat cover for the truck. it has a seat cover but the boy keeps complaining that it's itchy so we got a non-itchy seat cover.

after that we lounged on the patio for awhile and nursed the hubs sunburn, which he got saturday morning, before i could slather him w/ sunscreen. oy vey it's bad. we ran some errands, came home and potted some plants (love the lost cause rack at lowe's--flowers that just need some love for 25 cents!) then the hubs took a nap while i swam w/ the kids.

i made dinner, we relaxed and actually both saturday and sunday we were in bed before midnight. unusual for us.

father's day

google search says that father's day could have started in 1908 in fairmont, wv. as a church sermon. i'm going with that just based on the wv tie kthanxbai. since i don't have a good "you can't really tell who he is shot" i'm putting up a pic of "old bessie, betsy, bethie" for the hubs.

i've been thinking about this post because i wanted it to be just right and not just a mush pit as it could easily be.

ok, so , if you've been reading for awhile you know by now that the hubs is the love of my life. i met him when i was 14, (i am careening into 40 as i type), we started dating when i was 15, broke up at 18 and it was on again off again until i was 21. we got married when i was 24 and had the first spawn when i was 29.

by the time had her i think the hubs was just relieved that i wouldn't be moping around and crying that month cos i was indeed pregnant. we tried sooooo long that first time and i was fairly far along before we actually knew.

i had never put much thought into what kind of father he'd be. i loved him so i thought he'd be good. boy, did i underestimate him. the girl's birth story is a post for another time, but let's just say it wasn't the most pleasant or quick. the hubs had never been around babies.

he was the youngest of four kids, so no babysitting his siblings as i did. when his brother/sister started having kids he wasn't around them as BABIES. so basically, with the girl he was paranoid (and still is around new babies (like under 6 months)--i think he's only held my niece puddin once and that's cos i forced him to). anyway i won't go year by year about how awesome he his but seeing him hold our baby for the first time and seeing that lion-like protection that exuded from him, omg, it just like quadrupled what love i had for him.

while i think part of it was the father/daughter connection and the fact that she was the first, the hubs was the same when the boy came along. he is one of those parents that honestly and truly put their kids before anything else. even me. and i wouldn't have it any other way. i'll be here when the kids move away.

it's weird because i was always around kids (babysat my bro and sis) and nieces and nephews but the hubs is so much better with kids. maybe not with babies (although when ours were babies he totally changed diapers and took them to the dr etc.)but with kids? he has more patience with them. he can relate to them, not that he's childish, but it's like he's not forgotten how to think like a second or fifth grader. it's amazing. he can reason with them. he's not the type of dad to get in the floor and wrestle around (at least not much) but both of my kids turn to him at the drop of the hat when some thing's wrong. they come to me for the physical comfort but when they need help they go to him.

ok, i'm getting a little verklempt.

the hubs is the most amazing dad and my kids are so damn lucky to have him.

moody much?

this one's for the ladies.

ok, so, hello, do you find that you go through mood swings during the month? i'm not just talking about being bitchy when you're pmsing. i have distinct mood weeks and i'm trying to figure out how they coincide with my cycle.

so sometime during the month there's the few days or a week where i'm like platonic girl. we can hug and be friends but ewwww, boys are icky.

then there's a period of omg, can we do it right now please and thank you?

then there's the i could not be any more in love with you than i am right this very minute.

sometime there are also a few days of please just do not speak to me, i don't like you. no, it's nothing you've done, and i'm not mad i just don't like you.

before i put this in words and it was still just rolling around in my head i thought maybe it was period related but after writing/reading it i think perhaps i'm just uh, crazy.

why i'm changing my name

i heard "hey mom" no less than 567 times this morning as we're trying to get ready for the day.

it's the boy. sometimes he asks the most bizarre questions. last night the girl started it.

(girl) hey mom?
yeah?
if the boy married riley and i married her brother is that legal?
? uh, yeah.
(boy) hey mom?
yes?
would it be legal for me to marry my great great great great great great grandma?
uh, she's dead.
yeah, i know, but would it be legal?
no.

this morning it was:
hey mom, is it going to rain today?
hey mom, where's the brush? (seeing as how i don't use a brush on my hair (too curly) i have no reason to know where it might be)
hey mom, i can't get online.
hey mom, where are my swimming trunks?
in the dryer.
the dryer is empty.
i go to the dryer, which is still running. the boy follows. the lid to the WASHER is open.
see, it's empty.
son, that's the washer. (this explains the day before when i told him to get a towel out of the dryer and it was wet)

amidst all the hey momming i'm ironing my clothes and getting ready and the hubs is on the phone trying to get my new cell to work. i iron my skirt, put it on, then there's more hey momming and i finish getting ready and we finally leave.

as i'm driving down the road to take them to daycare, and the boy is hey mom can i take these comic books into daycare? no, you aren't supposed to bring in toys, plus those are dad's collectors comics. hey mom, will we be able to go swimming today? i don't know, we'll have to see if it storms. i realize after i put on my skirt and started rushing around i forgot to put on panties!

can i have a do over for the day please?

the boy and the girl

sometime last week or so the kids and i went to the park. i snapped pics while they played in the creek. it was simple, fun and reminds me that it won't be this way for much longer.


this accidental shot is actually one of my faves even though it doesn't show the girl's face.

graduation day

today the girl graduated 5th grade. for the most part i kept my cool.

my mom came with us and we kept the boy out of class as well (against his will). the ceremony was actually quite nice. it opened with a montage of pictures of the kids throughout the years. sniff sniff. then there were the speeches from the principal and vice principal. then awards. each teacher gave two awards each for good citizen, excellence and greatest achievement. the girl got the achievement award : ) so proud.

then they walked across the stage and got their certificates. thankfully the hubs was taking pictures because i was videotaping it only to discover i didn't hit record. yeah, i'm so techno-hip.

the boy wanted to leave right after the girl crossed the stage because they were playing games in his class all day. i took him back to class and on the way back to the graduation i ran into the girl's kindergarten teacher. yeah, i almost lost it as she said she couldn't believe our girl was graduating. we loved that teacher.

i teared up a few times, like when we told her teacher goodbye etc. but for the most part i was not a blathering cry baby.

after that the hubs had to get to work and the girl, my mom and i went to lunch. kids from her class showed up at the restaurant...in a limo. yes, a limo, for the 5th grade graduation. really folks? can we say overkill?

afterwards the girl and i did some shopping, we picked up the boy and they swam a bit before we went to her celebration dinner.

i still can't believe it though. she's going to be in middle school--junior high--nearly in high school. i have so many hopes and dreams for her and so many fears. i don't want her to follow the pack or keep being so shy and desperate to fit in with these girls who are surely to be trouble. i know i can't pick her friends but oh how i wish i could.

poll data

were you surprised by the poll results on how often is often enough? 42% said once a week was good; 42% said 1-3 times a week was good and 14% said 3+ times is good. i was a bit surprised frankly. i thought the numbers would be lower. most of you tease me about being a horn dog so i just assumed you were not. perhaps it's just that i'm more vocal (in more ways than one!) than you ; )

so, there's a new poll up. check it out.

summer's here

omg. it was so damn hot today i can't even believe it. there was no sliding into summer for us here in nc. we went from 70s one week to 97 yesterday! 97.degrees. that's hot. i hate summer. i hate hot.

last night we went to a baseball game. yeah. us at a baseball game. we are not sports people. the hubs does not (thank god) watch sports. however, the kids won free tickets to the game through a reading program at school so we went. sitting on bleachers in the heat, even at 7pm, is not a fun thing to me. for the first oh i'd say about 5 innings i thought "we" were the team in black. ah, no. : ) thank god i wasn't cheering or anything. we left at the beginning of the 8th inning because the boy gave up trying to catch a ball and we were all pretty wilted by that point.

plus, could the concessions at a baseball game BE any more expensive? (imagine that in a perfect chandler bing voice thank you very much)4$ for a large drink? seriously?

plus while we were there the boy spent most of the time sitting w/ a friend sitting near us and the girl spent her time w/ a pack of girls from her school.

her being w/ that pack scared me. the pack was apparently free to roam the stadium at will on their own. we did not let the girl roam. she could hang out with them as long as they were in our section but i wasn't letting my fifth grader roam around. it was interesting to watch her though. she hangs back when she's in a crowd of girls. she tries desperately to fit it and this worries me to no end. she's so shy that she often comes off stuck up. the girls she was with, even at 11 yrs old so reminded me of those girls in high school that i HATED. those show offy girls that were so aware of themselves and knew people were watching them and so haughty. the hubs said, you haven't figured it out yet? those girls are going to be the sluts in high school. yes, he's blunt, but sadly, probably right. more reason for the girl not to roam with them.

this morning we went to an auction. the hubs has been into auctions for years and he's actually found a lot of cool stuff at them. today we got several different planters for the yard and a large plant stand (i'll take pics after we paint it), the girl got 5, unopened barbies (despite the fact that she put hers in the attic last year and hasn't played w/ barbies in forever) which she then opened, and a box of still in the box christmas ornaments. i love christmas ornaments : )

tomorrow i think the hubs might have the pool ready and we can swim. we put the pool in the middle of last summer so this is the first time we've opened a pool. fuck it's a lot of work. we put all the winterizing chemicals in it, had a cover on it etc. but still an assload of leaves got in there. there were some frogs. it's just been a pain. but hopefully tomorrow all will be well and we can get some relief from this sweltering heat.

did i mention i hate summer?

how evil are you?

well, the lot of you goody two shoes took the test and were "angelic," "neutral," and "good." you can feel safe in knowing that i'm merely twisted.

the hubs took the test just now--he is pure evil. it says: "you are absolutely terrifying. your mere presence strikes fear into the hearts of everyone around you. there is no turning back. you are the definition of evil, and probaby work for an evil company like AOL.

see, i TOLD you i liked bad boys.

oh and in case you were wondering about that show jumpers? have you seen it advertised on tv? it's like quantum leap and that other show that the name is on the tip of your tongue. the one with the guy and the professor dude that looked like mr. french from family affair? i googled it. the guy was jerry oconnell (also in crossing jordan) and the show was....anyone anyone? sliders! god i love the internet.

thinking positive

i'm trying to.

the last two days have thrown me for a loop. this morning i am resigned to the fact that there's not much i can do about the situation feeling a bit better.

two things have brought about this change in my attitude.

first, the hubs. what can i say? i've been a lump at home the last two days. wallowing in my depression/hopelessness. the hubs has been supportive and listened to all my bitching, complaining, whining. he learned years ago (after i blew up at him as i'm wont (or is it want?) to do) when i vent that i don't want him to offer solutions (which guys love to try to do, they want to fix everything) i just want him to help me wallow in my pity and be empathetic and concur with all of my thoughts.

the hubs and i have different perspectives when it comes to work. i am of the mindset that i want (really need) to enjoy what i do for a living. i am not boss material. i don't like that aspect of working at all. i am a writer, that's what i want to do and the other stuff is the work i hate. he has always, always been in management. and he's very good at it. really. he has this air about him as being arrogant and a hard ass but when it comes to being a boss he's probably the most fair minded person i know. he works for a company now that is probably more fucked up than the one i work for. it is a family business and his boss is a lucky sperm boy who knows nothing about the business yet takes all the credit when something goes right. day in and day out the hubs deals with much more work shit than i do.

so, last night after he'd listened to all my ranting and whining and i was still pouting around he said that sometimes i need to remember that this is just a job. it doesn't define who i am as a person. sometimes i don't need to show (at work and to the bosses) how upset i am and that i don't need to fight every change that's made because then i look like i'm not a team player. this pissed me off. i didn't say so but i'm sure he knew. i felt like saying, fuck, YOU aren't the one who has to go sit in a newsroom. you aren't the one going through this, you don't understand how bad this makes me feel. i stewed some more.

however, this morning i realize that what he's saying is right. going against everything at work doesn't do anything, doesn't change anything and it just makes me look bad. i don't think this means i have to cowtow to everything that comes my way but maybe the way i handle things could be better. instead of pouting at my boss like a 5 year old maybe i should just express my concerns and move on. the hubs also reminded me (cos he's been in this wonderful peaceful contented place for a while now and it just makes me glow to think about it) that regardless of what happens at the office i have a lot of good going on. my job may go away at some point but they can't take away my family.

the second thing that shook me out of the funk was the girl. she's been moody the last few days too (maybe we're feeding off of each other?) but while i was making coffee this morning she came in an hugged me. no words, just came up and tucked herself into my arms. that, my friends, is like gold. that is one of the things life is all about. my baby girl either needed comfort or was giving it. we just stood in the kitchen wrapped up in each other for a few minutes and then went about getting ready for the day.

my baby girl. in five days she will be graduating from 5th grade.

there really is more to life than a job.

it's me, wallowing some more

have you ever been in a situation where you physically feel unwell because of the stressful events around you? where you've felt overwhelmed and clueless and hopeless. that's the biggest part. hopeless. the opposite of hopeful.

so my fucktastic week as i've named it now, not just a day but a week, continued today when my boss told me that me and my new staffer will be moving locations. i work in an office that actually has a handful of offices that are occupied by the "managers" of which i am on paper but not in reality. then there are pods (cubicles). some cubicles, like mine, have high walls. like i can stand up in my pod and not see over the top. i do not have a door, but i have a window. i am sort of secluded and i like it. my boss said me and my new person have to move into his immediate area. the pods are half walls. it is like (it is) a newsroom. i have never worked in a newsroom. i never wanted to work in a newsroom. i don't think i can concentrate in a newsroom.

where we are now we are sort of on our own for the most part. perhaps this is why he is moving us. big brother wants to keep his eye on me. big brother wants to kill the last bit of anything good i've felt about this place by quashing my creativity and independence and stomping it into oblivion.

the pods/desks there are so close together you hear every phone conversation. if your eyes leave your computer screen they will meet other eyes.

i feel physically sick.

so if you or anyone you know knows of a job that is available, let me know. i've been keeping my eye out randomly, but i think i need to seriously start looking. i can type pretty fast (and not look at my fingers). i can read and write pretty well (despite what you may have read here). i can be professional when i need to be.

this is me, wallowing in my wallow

i am wallowing in my sucktastic day. the hubs had to go to a work dinner. he is thrilled pissed. he is eating at a korean buffet. again. please lord do not let him eat the kimshe (sp?) again.


the kids (who were pissed that we didn't go out to eat and that i fed them pancakes) are in bed.


i cannot, as a responsible adult, get high at this moment (yes, there i said it out right). i probably just lost about 1/2 of my audience as they shake their heads and think, uh, she's too much for me, i can't handle the cussing and the sex talk and what, she smokes weed too? yeah. it's already been decided folks, i'm going to hell.


however, i am not as evil as you may think. i mean, i took an internet test to prove it. i'm just twisted.



How evil are you?

do you ever get lost on the internet? wow. i mean seriously, it sucks time away. you read a blog, then follow a comment, then read another blog and tada you learn all sorts of things. did you know, for example, that there is a think called half naked thursday? and it's been around for like three years? people post half naked photos of themselves on their blog. some are completely non-sexual--a foot, an elbow, etc. but then, c'mon, it's the internet, of course there are more risque photos. who knew?

this was my sucktastic day

so, i may have mentioned the company i work for is up for sale. we were told this a few months ago. we get little real information on the progress of this. for the most part i have not worried too much about it. life happens. i've gone through this before w/ another company.

we have had one round of layoffs in our office. between yesterday and today three more people were laid off. is it still called laid off if there is no hope of getting your job back? the three layoffs today were sad and i'm not being ugly, but they weren't any of my peeps. not that it makes it any better for them though.

i also found out that one of my staff and a person in another department are switching jobs. i sound so professional when i say "one of my staff" but i'm really not. there are three people in my "department" and when it is convenient for the company i am considered a manager but when there are decisions to be made i am not. i had no voice in this decision. my boss and his boss and another manager made this decision. on one hand i am glad i wasn't involved in the decision because i can honestly say i don't know why it happened. however, in the big scheme of things it is a good thing.

god, i don't mean to ramble but this is what i do when i'm so conflicted. skip this post altogether if you like cos i can't not write it.

when i took this job 2 1/2 years ago i was excited and scared. i am not a good boss. i don't like to boss people around. i don't "manage" people well. i walked into a situation where one staffer works part time (when it really should be a full time position) and has forever and that's not going to change. some times this is really a pain to work around, even though she does work from home and we always get our jobs done. the other staffer, the one that's changing jobs, is adequate. if we were a larger staff this probably wouldn't happen, but when there are three of you, things get noticed. she is the type of person that does a great job if you tell them what to do. she will do anything i ask. however, she doesn't bring anything extra to the table. god, that sounds so managerish. she does what she needs to to get by and that's it. and she makes it obvious to me a lot. i don't know how to motivate her. i've tried. i've tried asking her opinion on things, giving her different things to work on, tried to find out what she would be interested in and letting her do that, but she's just not. she says she likes her job but she doesn't really try.

she of course was devastated with the news. it is a done deal. she is professionally going backwards but she is keeping her salary. she is keeping a job when others are being let go. she is surprised by this and i do not know what to say. i talked to her earlier this year about stepping up to the plate more and blah blah blah. my boss talked to her last year about the same. and she is still surprised.

on one hand i feel that if i were a better boss i could have fixed her. i could have inspired her. i could have done something to prevent this. on the other hand i feel like maybe i will finally get the work partner i need in that position not only to help me carry the load better but also maybe to push me to be more. maybe i feel so bad because i'm just as much of a slack ass as she is, though i produce more work and know when i have to be "on" and know how to communicate with people.

i also know that in our office once the higher ups form a negative opinion of you it is hard to change that opinion, even if you do get better. the higher ups have not had a favorable opinion of her since i started there. i was told that when i started there. they had a mess they didn't want to deal with at the time and now they are and it sucks. balls. it sucks balls. i tell them of her good qualities. i tell them when she is doing better. however, this has not changed things. plus, it's really hard to sing someone's praises when you know they're just showing up.

and there's nothing wrong with just showing up. hell, i do it lots of days myself. i guess the difference is when it's time to get down to business i do. i have been in meetings with her and these other bosses and i swear to god it looks like she's falling asleep. she can't even act interested.

so over the next few weeks we'll be making this transition. on one hand i want to welcome this new person with open arms. i like her, i think she and i will work well together. she has worked with us a little in the past and i like her work. that part of me is excited. however, my little staff has been like a family, the bastard side of the big family that is our office. we are close. my part time staffer is really, really pissed about the whole thing and is skeptical about this and thinks the new person was vying for this switch. i don't think that's the case. if it is i don't want to know.

sunday and things you may not know about me

1. i'm anal retentive about how the dishwasher is loaded. despite my efforts, no one in my house knows how to truly properly load a dishwasher. i always have to redo it. i do not mind this though.

2. i loathe washing silverware. i would rather wash a sink full of crusty dishes than wash silverware.

3. i love jamming a qtip as far in my ear as possible and twirling it around. it feels soooo good. yes, i realize you are not supposed to jam them far in. i live dangerously.

4. at least twice a month i am painfully aware or reminded of the fragility of life and that death is looming.

5. i love the smell of burning wood. in smokers, campfires, fireplaces--that kind of burning wood. not houses.

6. i don't normally cuss in real life like i do in person, uh, i mean on my blog. duh. sometimes i do get flustered and (when the kids aren't in ear shot) i will say fuck.

7. my mother almost said fuck yesterday when we were at their house for a cookout. i would hate to be my mother.

8. i like cinnamon flavored anything.

9. i think i made a mistake when i picked a profession. people who want/have to write should NEVER go into publishing. i should have been a teacher or....i don't even know what else. but if i had one redo in life it would be to redo my career path.

10. last night, at my mom's, my sister was talking about how huge of a raise she might possibly get by the end of the year. instead of being happy for her (if it comes to fruition) i was pissed to think that she could, in a few short years, without a college degree, be making close to what i made at my last job. after almost a decade of experience and a college degree.