monday monday

the hubs accurately described our feelings as of late, it's sort of like the phases of mourning. right now we seem to be in the anger stage, we have not yet moved into the acceptance stage (acceptance of our almost certain demise---not bodily of course but way of life). i think i actually have one foot still in denial and the other planted in anger. he is in full on anger mode.

not that long ago (though right now it seems like a lifetime ago) we were very near financial ruin. part of it was because of bad judgement and bad habits, part of it because of medical bills that piled up after the girl was born. we busted our ass to get out of the hole we'd dug ourselves and while times were tough we knew it was our fault and we could see the light at the end of the tunnel. it didn't make those stressful times easier to deal w/ but we always knew there was an end in sight. we could see the bills decreasing w/ each payment, etc. we climbed out of that dark hole and were actually starting to build something for the future (college, retirement, etc.), starting to feel good about things when the layoffs where i worked started. a year before i was laid off we were preparing, though honestly you're never really prepared for that day. much like death--you're never really prepared for it.

with this situation we're in now the worst part is not knowing when it will end and what we'll look like when we get there. it is frustrating and more and more makes me angry. i don't know what else to do.

earlier today the fil called the house, thinking he was calling the hubs on his cell. when i got off the phone i had the fleeting thought that maybe the fil was calling the hubs to let him know he was going to send him $10,000 (no idea why i had THAT number in my head, but i did). of course that was NOT why he called; he called because they were going shopping for these special socks (yes, i said SOCKS) and wanted to know if the hubs wanted some. really? hey fucktard, no we don't want socks.

don't get me wrong...i really do not expect his dad (or my parents) to come bail us out. i know some people's parents do that sort of thing, but, ya know, not ours. but i really am sick and tired of hearing how they spend their money. since we don't talk to my folks now i thankfully do not have to hear how they have blown through the money they inherited from my gma. the fil---that's a different story. they are always taking trips or replacing perfectly good cars, electronics, etc. it makes me want to hurl.

i wake up every morning and my first thought is---go back to sleep. what's the point in getting up? you're just going to have the same day you did yesterday. look at the same job postings, send out your resume and still not get a job. you're going to clean house, only to have it dirtied again in half the time it took you to clean it. you aren't going to be able to take the kids anywhere (especially not today because the hubs's car is in the shop and he has mine) because every time you spend money it chips away at what little there is left.

i keep having these dreams that i'm calling the hubs and telling him we're going to disney world because i just got a job. i wish i had a history of having premonitions so i could get excited that these dreams are premonitions, but alas i don't.

i know we are luckier than some. we haven't lost our house, yet. we can still pay our bills, for now. i KNOW these things, but dammit, we've worked SOOO hard for what we have and i really cannot wrap my brain around the thought of losing everything and starting over. fuck.