Tuesday, December 15, 2009

a pre-holiday vent

holy hell. sometimes i wish i had the luxury of picking who i'm related to. i marvel at families, though i think they are few and far between, that get along.

if you've been reading for any amount of time you know that i am not best friends w/ my sister or my parents but that i am very, very close to my brother and sil. i am not rude to my parents or sister. i do not go out of my way to be hateful or mean to them. i just do my thing and they do their thing.

my mom has been desperately trying to get the girl to spend the night w/ her and so far we've either made up an excuse or really already did have plans.

yesterday my mom sends out an email asking if all of the grandkids can spend the night w/ her this friday. as soon as i read it i knew the shit was going to hit the fan in some way. i know my bro/sil have plans that night because it's their anniversary. the boy has plans that night because he's going to a bday party and i knew good and well the girl didn't want to go over there by herself so i said the hubs and i were taking her out that night. no response from my mom. i am sure she is pouting and whining to my aunts, why me? i'm trying so hard to interact and they just keep pushing me away. i can hear her now.

though i knew something would come of this i was a bit surprised that the one who verbalized that her panties are in a wad is my sister. first she makes some snide comment on her fb page about people being two-faced, this after she left a comment on our christmas party pics from this weekend (no, she wasn't and never has been invited). then she sends an email in response to my mom's email about the sleepover. she basically said that she's sorry our kids can't come to mom's and spend the night w/ her kids, since that's the only time they get to spend the night (insinuating that i have my other niece/nephew spend the night here all the time, which is totally false) w/ their cousins and that she hopes in the next couple of weeks we will be able to make time for our kids to hang out together. holy fucking hell.

ok, i am immediately defensive and upset by this. i have come to the point where i do not hate my sister any more, i do not flat out hate her. nor do i feel any general animosity towards her. i just don't like her. we do not click. she is not a person i would choose as a friend if we were not related. i don't want to just "hang out" w/ her. i especially do not want to hang out w/ her and her husband because really dude? enough time has fucking gone by that you could speak once in a while.

i think my sister is deluded, like my mom, into thinking we are one big fucking walton's family and that all of our kids will be besties and we will be besties, etc. even if things were TOTALLY different and i felt TOTALLY different towards her the age differences in our kids is becoming more obvious. my girl is 12 and in 7th grade--she does not enjoy the same activities as my 10 yr old, 4th grade niece. my boy is 10 and in 4th grade--big difference between him and my nephew in kindgergarten.

granted, i realize that my kids are closer to my brother's kids because we, as a family are closer to them, but that relationship has been in the making for a long time. and, before there was an ever an issue between us we were friends. although my brother and i didn't get along great as kids (he IS 6 yrs younger than me) once i was in college and out of the house and then back again, i think we started the foundation for the friendship we have now. i never had that w/ my sister.

part of me does feel guilty. part of me does feel sorry for her. i can't rewrite history. i can't create a relationship that isn't there. fuck.

i feel like after the holidays i just want to sit down w/ my mom and sister and say look, i appreciate the efforts you are making towards my kids and i will not put up roadblocks against your efforts, but you have to realize you are not going to overcome decades of neglect in a few months. as for me? i love you both because we are family. sister, i can appreciate that you are trying to mature and change your life and yes, i do see where you have been successful in that so far. you haven't had an episode in years, you seem to have your shit together somewhat now. but guess what? just because you got married that doesn't mean i want to be your best friend. it's just not happening.

of course i will never have these conversations because i am a wuss. i am passive/aggressive to the millionth degree. and, while part of me would relish in telling my mom--ha, see, this is what you get for being a fucked up parent/grandparent, another part of me couldn't be that cruel. i don't want to be cruel to either of them, but seriously? this poor me guilt crap from them has got to fucking stop or i am going to explode.


Not Your Aunt B said...

I think it's funny (not in a haha way) that just because they've made some effort in the past month or so they think they're owed so much. Like that effort erases everything else completely? You have learned to distance yourself from them for good reason and aren't about to jump back in with two feet.

Don't you wish they would just get it?

Surely said...

I know, huh?

When my mom was in high drama mode, I distanced myself because I couldn't cope with her. But then it created a cycle because the brothers had to cope with more. Luckily, they bear no grudge (that I'm aware)

I think time will take care of it. It's that patience thing...which I suck at so good luck with that. (:-D

Revisionist Family History is where I lose my mind. Like things weren't bad when we were younger. Wait, what?

Penny said...

I do think it is nice they are trying BUT it is hard to just move on so quickly...maybe you could ask for smaller steps, like taking all the kids for pizza rather than a sleepover?

(I give this suggestion because this is how we are trying with my mom)

cheatymoon said...

Penny's idea is a pretty good one.

I'm glad you are able to vent here. Family stuff is so hard. We have a huge family and I am lucky there is not as much drama (currently) as there could be...


Anonymous said...

Why not just come over and play with the kids!! OMG novel idea

The Mayor said...

I can see this is tearing you up.You cannot rewrite history, you're right.

Meaningful relationships develop over time within the boundaries of trust. It's not healthy to be forced.It teaches our kids to not follow their instincts about people.

The age differences with these cousins only emphasizes why you can't go from no contact to spending the night.

You need to stay focused on what your priorities should be. First, it's your little family. No one with any sense would expect your daughter to be comfortable alone with these people she has no trust with.Never agree to that until she matures and begs you to let her go there.

Trust your gut. Set boundaries. Spend time but set limits (have dinner or go to the zoo) of a few hours at a time. If a true relationship emerges, it will be natural and right.

You are a good mother. Don't let them guilt you into things that are not in your family's best interest.

I know of what I speak, only it's on my husbands side.It was a difficult lesson.