Tuesday, November 3, 2009

a walk to clear my head

when i got laid off in april i decided i would start walking after everyone left the house in the morning. (have i mentioned that i am a HUGE procrastinator? hmm, well, i'm sure i meant to tell you but just hadn't yet).

this morning i took my first walk after everyone left the house. i did not quite realize how hilly our neighborhood is. yes, of course we've gone on walks before in our neighborhood but i guess when you are chatting w/ someone or walking the dogs it doesn't feel the same. it was a good walk. i have no idea how much distance i covered but i walked for 45 mins. it's a start. i listened to my mp3 player and am still wondering how people jog w/ them because i was forever putting the ear phones back in my ears. perhaps i have unusually small ears?

i haven't written much because, let's be honest, there's not much to write. i had a bit of a mini-breakdown last week thinking that my unemployment had totally run out and we were headed for disaster, but it's not and we're not but it did give me a jolt. i have been floating along on this cloud of hopefulness, sure that something will come along. i look. i apply. i get rejected. i move on. i try not to dwell in the what ifs. what if i don't get a job in the next four months? what if we have to put the house on the market? what if we lose everything we've been working towards? if i start down that path it scares me to death. the hubs and i have gone through tough financial times and have worked so hard to get where we are, to save for the future, to plan for our kids' college and retirement. then i look over at my parents who never spent a day in their life planning. their plan was waiting for their share of my gma's money, which they got and are running through ever-so-quickly. the hubs told me my dad said something to him a while back, something like, funny isn't it how you and ck have always planned and worked so hard and now we're in the same boat? i think he said that before i lost my job. both my fil and my mom have asked us if we need money. thankfully right now we do not, but even if we end up needing help i don't know that i'd want to give either of them the satisfaction of helping us. i just don't think i could stand it.

there are ten thousand things that bother me about being out of work, but the biggest issue i have is the uncertainty. yes, i grasp the reality of no one ever knows for sure what tomorrow will bring, but at least when you have a job you can sort of count on it--until you can't. a job gave me a sense of security. it gave me a sense of purpose.

you'd think, with all of this time on my hands, i would have accomplished something visible, something great, started a novel, finished painting the house, made everyone a homemade christmas gift or something. alas no. i do think i've done a lot of soul searching though. some of it's good, some not so good.

sadly i think i've discovered that i'm more like my gma and dad than i realized. i could quite easily be a hermit. she was a hermit. he is a hermit. it's not that i don't like being around other people, but, sometimes it takes too much mental effort. i am a contradiction---i love to travel, love hanging out w/ friends, love doing stuff, but i also find it hard to make myself do those things.

i have learned to slow down though. i feel like i appreciate little things more than i used to. i was moving too fast before to notice them or give them the credit for being.

lately i've realized that all these years i've been fussing because i didn't think the hubs was "romantic" enough. omg. i just didn't realize that he is quite romantic in his own way. i was looking for storybook romance, sweep you off your feet stuff, but it is in the quiet conversations we have that his tenderness shines. he expresses his thoughts and feelings so much better than i ever could, verbally. i would pour all of mine out in a letter, while he'll say sweet, tender, amazing things face to face. and it's not the poetry, sappy crap, it's just....i don't even know how to describe it. it's the stoked embers of a long burning fire.

you know how people always say opposites attract? it is so true. at least in our case. he is the epitome of the "bad boy" in every john hughes film i loved. (side note--i checked three videos out at the library last week, the breakfast club, sixteen candles and say anything. i was hoping to indoctrinate the girl into the power of john hughes, but we've watched the first two and dammit if she didn't say they were lame. unrealistic, not enough drama, bleh. although while we watched them she seemed to enjoy them. this coming from the girl who is enamored w/ all things twilight and who watches degrassi all the time.)


cheatymoon said...

A very good friend told me that it is a good thing to cultivate keeping your own company. In other words, there is nothing wrong with being a hermit.

(Maybe I just found it validating because I tend to be a hermit.)

I love this post.

Good luck w/ the walking. I walk a lot. Walking w/ a girlfriend goes by fast because of the talking. When I'm alone, I mostly listen to books on the iPod or lectures. They tends to go by faster than music.

Anonymous said...

I see lots of people walking in my neighborhood on my way to work in a hurry. I always wish I could get the kids off and enjoy a walk with no deadline, strolling by the lake listening to music. So on a vacation day I did just that. I was huffing and puffing, sweaty, thirsty, panting when I got finished. Now I drive by and don't care about them. I think sometimes we have to do something, anything different to appreciate what we have.
Also,I think you enjoy your family time of just being together. You invest a great amount in your kids. You are nothing at all like your Dad.

Penny said...

I've been thinking about your post since yesterday and I actually want to write a similar post...but yeah, I get it. I learned to knit right before we left NJ and I've had enough time to make everyone in my family matching hats and scarves but I haven't done anything...