out of the groove

i have fallen out of my blogging groove. it's not that i don't love it or you but i feel like my posts lately have been here's what we've been doing, xyz, and it's just not hitting the blog sweet spot for me.

this week i conquered our bedroom and actually decluttered seven yrs (how long we've been in this house) worth of crap. i have no idea how so much stuff came to live in our bedroom. a little bit here, a little bit there. i watch house hunters all the damn time so i can safely say our closet is large, it is not a small room, but it's pretty big. before clean out you couldn't step a foot in it. after clean out i discovered in 7 yrs the hubs has amassed a suitcase full of porn. he's in the convenience store business so the guys that stock that stuff in the stores would give him a dvd here a magazine there. really, how much porn does one couple need?

the closet also houses boxes of old game systems, wires, speaker cord, etc. the hubs' job tomorrow is to go through all of that and see if there's anything there that even belongs in this century. we are a family of four and each of us is a pack rat of one thing or another. for my part in the closet there were way, way too many saved gift bags; so much so that they were crumpled and torn and totally unusable. tossed em. clothes neither of us has worn in 5 yrs or more and clothes so worn out nobody should ever wear again.

i had two tote bags living in the corner beside my night stand. and this is why i save shit---within those tote bags i found calendars from 05, 06, 08--where i wrote appts. or events (mostly work stuff but lots of other stuff too). i found homemade cards from my kids, pictures tucked away, brochures from places we've been. i have a trunk full of things like that from more than 20 yrs ago. that trunk is heavier than shit but if our house burned down i'd try like hell to get it out. so many memories in that trunk. letters from my grandparents when we lived in germany; a birthday card my cousin gave me when i turned i--i can see the card now--it's a big 8. a piece of coal from a school field trip i took in 3rd grade to a power plant. all of my high school journals and some school projects and senior memories book, etc. there's a sweater in there that belonged to my great grandma, i used to wear it in high school.

(i have no idea where this post was supposed to go and certainly don't know how i got off on this tangent!)

friday i finished our room. it is clean. it is decluttered and it feels twice as big. that might also have to do w/ the fact that the hubs removed a huge piece of furniture (entertainment center) that i didn't want to part w/ 7 years ago but didn't know where to put, so it ended up in our room. now the hubs and i each have our own dressers and i like our room. except the color. but painting is on the to do list---i just have to pick a color. any suggestions? it's a soft green now and i'm over it.

hello my friends

whew--i just spent a few hours catching up on all of my blog reading. i missed you guys. a few of you are going through the same thing, busy schedules, things preventing you from blogging. i don't really have an excuse other than my days seem quite filled even without a job. i guess i'm being a mother.

i missed reading all of you though and it was good to catch up. so many great posts, poetry, pictures. thank you all for sharing your lives.

i'm sitting on the patio wishing it had been this pleasant when we were camping this weekend, but i did have a great time. i forgot to mention that someone might have peed in the camp fire.twice. (hubs) and someone might have been called mr. spitty mcspitsalot (bro). there might have been some beer involved. the hubs and the bro both poo pooed my beer of choice, black and tan, calling it goat piss. yes, because it is soooo inferior to icehouse? i think not. someone also might have peed, twice, behind the tents because she was too lazy to walk up the hill to the bath house. it should be noted my sil doesn't drink and was asleep when that happened.

i am always amazed when my brother and i talk about our childhoods because we have such different memories. granted, he's 6 yrs younger than me so things i remember from my early childhood he has no recollection of. i was away at college when he was in high school and when i was in high school i rarely paid much attention to what was going on in his world.

i've also been spending more time on fb. yes, the very thing i was the last of my friends to join. the very thing i derided. i also spend a lot of time online, looking for a job. today i applied for...get this...a pr person for a waste management company. oy vey.

i have to say though, i am content. i know i have to go back to work and hopefully something will turn around soon. but for now it's not bad being with my kids all day.

camping success

the girl kayaking
some gorgeous daylilies growing by the bank where we fished

the hubs' first catch

the ginormous beetle that came to visit us the first night

despite the heat, we had a great time camping : )

when we were setting up our tent we soon realized that we were missing some poles. we have a three part tent--one main tent w/ two smaller tents that hook to the sides. we were missing poles for the big main tent so the hubs and i slept in one of the small ones and the kids slept in the other. we made do.

this is a short post cos i have elebenty billion things to do today--laundry, unpack, etc.

i think despite the heat and bugs we all had a great time.

here is our wildlife count:

fish caught: 8 (3 were by the girl)

snakes seen in the water: 2

fox seen in the woods 10-15 from our camp fire: 1

owls heard at night: at least 1

grandaddylong legs: 5,876,901

ticks: i personally saw 3, fortunately they were not attached to a person

frogs: 3

huge ass beetle: 1

both friday and saturday we fished--well, i fished a bit on friday but read while they were fishing on saturday. we lucked out on saturday and an outdoor outfitter set up kayaks near where we were fishing and gave free demo rides. it was a hoot. my bro and nephew went out in one, the boy and i in another and the girl in one by herself. (the hubs was fishing and the sil had taken puddin to her mom's for the day/night. puddin made it through one night on her first camping trip). i think the kids really enjoyed the kayaking, and so did i.

a guilty pleasure and a fishy one

i'm coming out of the closet. i like a good piece of.....literature just as well as the next person. i read pretty much anything by stephen king (yes, i know that's not considered "literature"), and anita shreve and jodi picoult, etc. when i go to the library my eyes are always bigger than my stomach so to speak and i check out a buttload of books and never get through all of them. yesterday i took books back that i'd not read--two david sedaris books that i really really want to read but just didn't--and some non-fiction that i was trying to will myself to read but didn't. i also did something i never do, took back two books i'd started and didn't finish. i am ashamed.

i did notice that one of our librarians, the one that is the least friendly, reminds me of a female james earl jones w/ dread locks. she even has his voice.

anyway, back to the guilty pleasure cos i know you're dying to know so you can laugh at me ; ) i like romance novels. i prefer the historical romances, but basically anything set in ireland or scotland or england that involves a wench and a rebel coming together w/ sexual tension, denied feelings and finally getting it on are my faves. i know, not high brow at all but what can i say. i've almost finished one i checked out yesterday.

now for the fishy one. the kids and i just got back from the grocery store loading up on camping supplies (we leave in the morning) and i was almost giddy to discover that the store now carries SUSHI. yes. i think i might have squealed a little when i saw the refrigerated display. the girl looked at me funny. i had seen this offering at other grocery stores, but not in any of my local ones. but, today, i was happy. i bought some and promptly scarfed it down while putting the groceries away. sushi is another one of those things that nobody else in my family likes. YUM!

23 things

977---apparently that is how many posts i've posted since starting this thing. sometimes i glance at my archives and think, wow, i've been doing this a long time.

i have a bunch of stuff running through my head (yeah, what's new) and wanted so desperately to corral these ideas into a clever, thoughtful post but all i could come up w/ is something to do w/ numbers.

since i'm not going to write 977 things about myself i decided to add the numbers together (just a sec, i need my calculator) that's 23 things. ok so here are 23 things.

1. weirdness--i'm watching an episode of southpark about turrets syndrome. today at dinner the boy asked if my friend broad has turrets. we had lunch w/ her and some other friends today and the boy commented on her sailor slang : ) i have turrets here but not in real life.

2. the wireless mouse on my remote has bit the dust and i find it incredibly difficult to use a computer w/out a mouse. (the soundtrack to this post is eric cartman yelling cuss words involuntarily and the hubs snoring. so, if i say ass cheeks, shit ball, ass pussy or dick tits in this post you'll know why. i could so be a writer for southpark.)

3. i really did have a creative post brewing in my head that quickly ran out the door when i sat down to write. wtf!

4. we harvested two yellow squash from our garden. i sauteed one the other night and had to beg each one of my family members to eat a bite. dammit. none of them like squash. i ate it. i was so proud that we actually grew them!

5. i am judgemental. i know this. i know it's wrong, but i do it anyway.

6. thanks for the suggestions about how to keep the urchins occupied this summer. it should be noted, i excitedly suggested to them that they should read a book a week (i should set this example) and to make it exciting maybe we could start a kids book review blog. they both rolled their eyes and said that was too much like homework.

7. and, as for the snacks, healthy lunches. tracy suggested mac n cheese. did i ever tell you that i have the only boy child on the planet who does not like mac n cheese? and the girl? only likes the orange kraft mac n cheese. not homemade. the boy also does not like condiments on his sandwich, dressing on his salad, butter or melted cheese. this from the kid who used to eat cheese and grape jelly sandwiches. weirdo.

8. i dyed the girl's hair tonight. she has my hair, it gets darker as she gets older so rather than the blond she used to be she is a dirty blond or maybe even a light brunette. after our dye job she is sort of a strawberry blond. it looks cute. for some reason she thinks its cool to take these "moody" pictures of herself.

9. i love van morrison's astral weeks.

10. i want to paint all but one room in my house.

11. i thought it only fair to share a pic of the boy that he took of himself since i shared one of the girl.

12. looking through all of the pics i have i realize that i'm always the one taking the pictures, therefore there are very few of me. and? the ones i do have of me are ones the kids snapped w/out me knowing and i usually look like crap.

13. i can't believe my grandma and brother-in-law have been dead for 3 months. i haven't been to my aunt's house (where my gma had been living since the summer) since the last time i saw her. we did go by my gma's house to dig up some of her bulbs to plant in our yard. i was surprised by how upset that made me.

14. we finally got the girl a new bike this week (she outgrew the old one). now we are letting them ride further away from the house in our neighborhood. they love this freedom but it still freaks me out when they turn the corner and i can't see them anymore. odd how things have changed. when i was a kid i was outside all day, all over the place w/out supervision.

15. i ran across my first "boyfriend" on facelibre. it was 7th or 8th grade and the extent of our dating involved walking beside each other to our next class (we might have held hands) and we talked on the phone once or twice during which time we let our guinea pigs talk to each other. yeah, i was pretty freaking cool back then : )

16. one of my favorite holidays is coming up, july 4th (my other fave is halloween). i LOVE fireworks.

17. why can't i remember those great post ideas that were running through my head earlier today???

18. we are going camping this weekend w/ my bro/sil. some of my friends cannot imagine me camping. granted, we have only camped once in our tent (w/ the boy scouts) but, as a child i camped a lot w/ my grandparents. of course my grandma's idea of camping included a camper (w/ air conditioning/tv). my cousin and i thought it was quite the adventure if we got to sleep in the back of my grandpa's truck (it had a camper topper on it) or in a tent while the grown ups slept in the camper. lots of times we'd have sleepovers in the camper when it was still parked in my grandma's driveway. she'd come out there and play cards w/ us or bring us snacks. she was awesome. (this is not the gma that died in march.)

19. i think my baby niece puddin might be a hair twirler like my nephew and me. neither of my own kids picked up this habit.

20. i am loving not getting up at 6am. now i set the alarm for the hubs, wake him up around 7:30, slip back to sleep and get up around 9. i'm thinking i should set the alarm and force myself to get up at 8:30 though. i could EASILY sleep in every single day until 10 or 10:30.

21. i have discovered that i don't really have any being-around-the-house clothes.

22. this took me entirely too long to write and...

23. was not nearly the cool post i intended.

first day of kids' summer break

it is only 1:32 and so far so good. the girl has only commented once on FB that she was bored. the boy only objected twice while we were in a store because i was trying on shorts (that looked hideous once i got them on) rather than looking at something he wanted to look at. this was after i went to the coliseum to buy tickets for him and the hubs to go to an upcoming....wait for it....wrestling event. oyfuckingvey.

i really should not complain. i don't do sports, watch them or otherwise (except hockey, i discovered i do like watching a hockey match) and thankfully the hubs is not one of those men who watch anything that has a ball involved (well, except porn but that's another post). but, the boy has gotten into watching wrestling and the hubs thought he'd get a kick out of going to a live event.

****************
my mom is now on FB and is my friend. not quite sure how i feel about that. it's strange. but, i'm not full on out there on FB like i am here. come to think of it i'm probably not like i am here unless i'm really cutting loose w/ friends. i don't go around saying fuck and stuff, though i do throw out a douche canoe now and then.

****************
last night we watched adam sandler in that zohan movie---omfg it was horrible. i love adam sandler usually, but that movie sucked badly. so very very badly. then we watched brad pitt benjamin buttons. it was long, which is fine cos i liked it. but, it devastated me. i think i quietly cried for the last 45 minutes of the movie and then afterwards i was still crying. we went to bed and i started welling up again. holy crap. there are some movies that i love that do that to me---out of africa, beaches, gone w/ the wind. they do not have happy hollywood endings but they have the right endings. i become attached to the characters in those movies and so bereft when they end.

***************
i've written many times before about how music speaks to me. how it moves me. how it can influence my moods, good or bad. i think my life should have a soundtrack. i associate certain moments/periods/memories of my life w/ music. songs often are like time machines for me, transporting me back to an exact moment that is so crystal clear.

the other day on the radio a female dj was talking about this very same thing and one of the songs for her is this, these arms of mine, by otis redding. i couldn't actually find otis performing this on youtube, but this is him singing it, ignore the video that goes w/ it. tell me that song doesn't move you. i don't personally have any memories tied to this song but i love it. it makes me want to slow dance and then....well, it's just powerful.

a good day

i took a short cat nap in the hammock while the hubs burned some brush. gently swinging back and forth, dappled sunlight filtering through the leaves, the smell of a campfire burning. keely or leah licked my face as i laid there, slumbering. hearing the birds chirping.

yesterday we spotted a robin's nest in one of the trees in the backyard as we were all swimming in the pool. we watched as the momma find worms and bring them back to the babies, beaks open wide; once, twice, three times. they were hungry. then she settled in the nest w/ them and the daddy robin came by for a visit.

the hubs is grilling ribs for dinner tonight then we'll roast some marshmallows and make s'mores.

there are chores to be done inside, but those can wait for tomorrow. for now, we've had a good day indeed. perhaps because i kicked it off by letting the hubs sleep in then waking him up to put his special purpose to use ; )

end of the innocence

"remember when the days were long
and rolled beneath the deep blue sky?
didn't have a care in the world,
with mommy and daddy standing by."

while friday didn't mark the actual end of the girl's innocence or the end of childhood/naivete/etc. i think we are swiftly coming up on it.

the pool party went well, although 8 kids can certainly make a lot of noise. they tracked water in the house and ate 6 pizzas and nearly a whole watermelon but nobody drowned.

the boys were fine. one boy has been my boy's friend since kindergarten and he's been here many times; it was the first time the other two boys had been here, but they too were fine.

three of the girl's friends came and only one, a new girl whom i'd not met before, gave me pause.

my girl is at that weird place where part of her wants to hurry and grow up and experience all the great things waiting. that part wants to talk about boys and gossip and act all mature and worldly and impress other girls. another part just wants to be a kid and swim in the pool and jump on the trampoline and maybe talk about boys but only in a giggly whisper not a raspy desire-filled voice. the new girl that came friday fed into that part of her that wants to be grown right now.

this new girl is my nemisis. a few of her kind have flitted in and out of the girl's life and are probably more a part of it at school than i'd like to think. they are those popular girls. the ones who are conceited and rude and like the lead blonde girl on mean girls--rachel--she got hit by a bus? they are the type of girl i hated in high school, and still hate now. only i have to be nice to them, because they are my daughter's friend.

and the new girl, come to find out, lives in our neighborhood, w/in walking distance. she lives near the 2 8th grade (now rising 9th graders) boys who have lately taken an interest in the girl; she has older brothers (16) and sisters (out of the house). i have never met her parents and they don't know me from adam and yet they let her walk here for the pool party and the girl walked her home.

the girl is giddy w/ the thought of hanging out w/ this girl this summer (and the boys who live near her). i am terrified. i told the girl maybe they could come here and play. she rolled her eyes. i can't blame her, she wants somewhere else to go, she wants to break free. i get it. i really and truly do. but, i am scared. i immediately think horrible things.

i have visions of her spending the day at this girl's house--w/ those soon to be 9th grade boys--either unsupervised or sneaking around making out in the woods (which is what the girl told me one of the other girls has done). i know i'm assuming a lot about her parents--but they've already raised two teens and i know from my parents that you become less and less involved and aware of what's going on and certainly less strict/protective. or i can see worse things--my baby spending the night over there and that 16 yr old brother takes advantage of her.

i know this is soon, like monday or tuesday, going to become an issue. the girl is going to want to go visit her friend, she is going to want to leave the house.

i tried talking w/ her about this friday. i was honest, i told her my fears about her wanting so badly to fit in with the "cool" kids that she'd do just about anything. i told her i thought her friend who'd made out was too young to make out (later the hubs told me he was already sliding his hand down girl's pants at this age--which completely freaked me the hell out, thinking anyone would do that to my daughter) and she said she wouldn't do that. yeah, i know, like she'd tell me if she was or did. i do think she's smart and has a good head on her shoulders, but i also know how desperately she wants to be popular/cool/etc.

dammit why do they have to grow up.

reflections

today is the last day of 6th grade for the girl, the last day of 3rd for the boy. i don't know how this school year has flown by so quickly or how my kids have grown up so fast. it is much more noticeable in the girl of course, hitting puberty and all. the metamorphosis amazes me.

i have the world's worst memory, unlike the hubs who has always been able to quote entire conversations from more than 20 yrs ago, but, i have glimpses of times/places in my life.

sixth grade was a moving year for my family--physically that is. when my dad was in the army we moved just about every three years; sometimes this meant moving in the middle of a school year, like in sixth grade.

we'd been stationed in n.c. from 1/2 of 4th grade to 1/2 of sixth grade. i loved my 6th grade teacher. she had a cook out at her house, taught us macrame and ceramics; she was fun. then we moved back to wv where i finished 6th grade. we stayed there through part of the summer, waiting on my baby sister to be born, while my dad went on to our next post in pa. wv was our home of record, so anytime we were between posts this is where we went, usually staying w/ one of my grandparents. 6th grade would be the 4th time i'd popped back into this hometown school for at least part of the year. i finished 1st grade in wv, attended third there and part of 4th, now the tail end of 6th, it was the last time i went to school there.

i remember one teacher from that leg of 6th grade because she loved puns and incorporated them into our language arts. although i had crushes on boys, i do not remember being as aware of boys as the girl is now. also, back then 6th grade was the last year of elementary school, not the first year of middle.

when i was in third grade, like the boy, we were also in wv. my dad was on an unaccompanied tour in korea and we lived w/ his parents full time, though i also got to spend a lot of time w/ my mom's side of the family (i always preferred that side because my mom is the oldest of 5 kids and when i was younger there were at least two aunts still living at home, in high school while my dad was one of two kids and both were married adults). i loved my third grade teacher too, she was young w/ really long, straight blonde hair. i remember stapling my thumb in 3rd grade and throwing up in school (the one and only time). it was a rough year apparently--it was also the year my mom had had enough of my behavior and took me to see a psychologist. i honestly do not remember what was so wrong w/ me that she felt the need to do this. i hated my brother (who was all of maybe 3 at the time); i think i lied a lot. i only remember one or two visits at the psychologist--that was probably enough for him to figure out i was normal and my mom just needed to get a grip and deal w/ things. personally i think part of it was the fact that up until my brother was born i was the only child and only grandchild on both sides of the family. right around the time he was born i also gained 3 boy cousins.

that year i also took piano lessons for awhile; i got to pick out the paint color for the upstairs bedroom in my grandparents house (which was "my" room whenever we were there) i picked an odd, pumpkin color that remained until my gma sold the house and moved to nc about 16 yrs ago. i went to my first concert that year, w/ one of my teenage aunts. peter frampton. : ) do you feel like i do? i went skating w/ her a lot and watched her practice her flag girl routine on my grandparent's back porch. i loved the clicking sound her boots made on the cement and the way the tassles moved. i think the 3rd grade me must have been very impressed w/ her, the impressive high schooler that she was then. one time i went in her room and tried on her retainer--yes, i know, gross huh?

a change of pace

my brain is working on overdrive today so you're getting two posts : ) lucky you's guys : )

the kids' last day of school is tomorrow. starting monday i will enter an unknown territory. i will be home with both of my children all day. every day.

i'm scared.

i have been home w/ them off and on over the years for a few days at a time. but not since giving birth has that been for any length of real time. i have always worked.

i don't know how this will go. i am worried that i'm not a good enough mother to do this. it is one thing to be a parent when you work full time, but it's a whole other ballgame when you are home full time. at least i think it will be. and, i think it will be hard.

i know there are parents out there who'd give their left nut to be able to stay home w/ their kids. and, though this certainly is not the long-term game plan (cos all the coupon clipping in the world doesn't make it possible for me to officially stay home full time), a tiny part of me is looking forward to the challenge. even these last few weeks of having them home after school has brought about a bit of a change in me w/ them i think. i am not as tense and i do think that trickles down to them and how i interact w/ them. or maybe it's just me wishful thinking.

i WANT to find a job. i NEED to find a job. but, i also am curious about being w/ my kids full time. don't get me wrong--i have no illusions that this will be easy or always fun. i have no doubt that by this time next week i'll be writing posts like--omfg i'm going crazy or bitching about them fighting or something. i know this. my eyes are open and i expect this. but, i hope it's not too bad.

if any of you have suggestions, tips, advice on how to keep a 9 and 12 year old entertained for little or no money, i'm all ears. also--i will be feeding them meals other than dinner (which is never fun cos they are picky and bitch about everything). i need snack suggestions as well. i've already told them they aren't sitting around eating and watching tv all summer.

little friday

it's little friday and i just realized i haven't posted since last friday, and that wasn't even really a post now was it? one nut. ha.

so--here's my week in a nutshell:

nephew slept over; scouted out a camp ground for an upcoming camping trip w/ bro/sil/puddin' and said nephew; cookout at bro's house; last week of school wrapping up; school picnic; tomorrow each kid is having 2-4 friends each come home for end of year pool party (what the HELL was i thinking--it might rain); maximized last week of alone time by going to lunch with friends twice and coffee w/ another; started cleaning out our closet (omg it is horrendous. i have no idea how we've fit so much crap in there. aside from the stuff that is supposed to live in closets there is a broken metal detector, a huge container of assorted wires and cords a box of vhs movies (and no they aren't porn) and two trunks.); swam in the pool, finally (the kids had been in it but it was too damn cold for me, until this week--now the kids and i are working on a pool exercise regimen : ) ); hubs made jerky; girl stayed home alone while i went to pick boy up from school (for a grand total of 20 mins and she only called once to ask if she could start baking a cake but not turn on the oven); watched paul blart, mall cop (eh, it was ok. i do love kevin james), night at the museum 2 (eh, it was ok as well, love me some owen wilson as a little cowboy) taken (holy hell it was good, liam kicked ASS and the movie disturbed me and my kids will never travel as teens in europe alone) and finally harold and kumar escape from guantanamo (omg, i laughed, a lot, and i love kal pen, and now i cannot get the term rock out with my cock out out of my head).

despite all of my poo-pooing and hating on face libre months ago, i am now under its influence. i have been sucked in to playing mafia wars. i have an odd mix of friends on there--some from high school, some from college, some i'm friends w/ now (both here and in person), some family members and some business associates from various past jobs.

i had a small world/coincidental moment yesterday (only a movie--you will appreciate this). one of the high school people i'm friends w/ is a guy i knew but wasn't actually besties with or anything. i didn't dislike him but we weren't close--anyway he had found me and friended me and that was cool. we'd never really "talked" to each other on fb, but he plays mafia wars. yesterday i was looking at his profile cos he had some high school pics up there and i knew a few of the people in his pics. then i looked at his profile and his home town (and current residence) is near here and he went to one of the big universities near here. now, for most people that might not be unusual---someone you went to high school w/ lives near you and in fact is from your part of the country. ahem--we went to school together in germany folks. and now he lives about 40-50 miles from me. and? freakier still? i applied for a job online yesterday w/ a big company. he works for that company (though not in the same field). how freaky is that? seriously, i thought it was pretty interesting.

so, what have you all been doing?

just nutty

you know you really shouldn't even put thoughts to words when you have to preface it w/ a disclaimer, but the 16 yr old boy inside me can.not.help it. (see, if i were at work and this came up i'd just blurt it out and only 1-2 people would hear me and it would go away, since i'm not working i will share it with all of you and then you will think i'm a douche canoe and break up with me.)

i read the headline that lance armstrong just had a baby boy. what's the FIRST thing that pops into my head? man, not bad for a guy w/ one nut.

focus; kung fu; a crippling syndrome; wind and climbing

if you (god forbid) ever get laid of and your douche canoe company offers you services with an out placement company--do it. today i met w/ an out placement agency, i don't know if that's what they're actually called, but they help you spiff up your resume, give you some resources on job hunting etc. lots of fluffy stuff but mainly? they focus you. so far in this job hunt i've been mass marketing myself, and not successfully i might add.

part of the issue is that i've been working so long i don't know what to do next. i've been applying for anything and everything. and? as a writer/editor you'd think i'd have a kick ass resume, but alas it is boring as hell. so, i'm going to rewrite it, refocus and land a job.

the thing is, i have all of these ideas running through my head of what i'd like to do, but they are really whispers of ideas, not full on detailed ideas. today's meeting just might be the thing i need to figure out what it is i really want and need to do.

************

omg--did you see the story about david carradine? wow. sad. and on a totally random tangent, last night the hubs and i were flipping through the channels caught the tail end of kung fu panda (animated w/ jack black). if you haven't seen it, do. it's one of the best pixar/dreamworks whoever animations. even if you don't have kids, watch it : ) btw--jack black, whom i think is super cool, was born on my birthday : ) skidoosh.

***********

this afternoon i'm taking the kids out to run some errands. the girl's mission is to purchase highlighters. she has been doing extra chores (laundry) to earn more money cos her allowance won't cover it. mind you, these are not just any highlighters, but retractable, sharpie highlighters. in AWESOME colors. it should be noted, she has one week of school left. she does not need highlighters. alas, the girl suffers from SSS--stationery supply syndrome. it's a common disease, probably genetic because i have it too. pens, papers, , journals, notebooks, school/office supplies--they are like crack to SSS sufferers. you want to touch them, fondle them, use them (and, w/ markers in particular, you want to smell them). up until now i was fortunate enough to get my fix at work. what? you don't "borrow" office supplies? yeah, whatev.

***********

wind beneath my wings. i heard this song on the radio today and several thoughts entered my brain.

first--i love this song and bette midler and the movie beaches. bette midler could play me if my life story were ever made into a movie (except, ya know, i can't sing and i don't have strawberry blonde/auburn hair). second, the hubs is the wind beneath my wings. ok, shut the fuck up i know that sounds totally cornbally and you just threw up a little in (oops, almost typed my) YOUR mouth (cos really, throwing up in MY mouth would be skanky and jank (a new word i learned from the boy) but it's true. i don't dis him much here, partly because he does lurk from time to time and doesn't comment (mofo, you should leave a comment now and then!), but mostly because i don't have a lot to bitch about. oh sure, he has made the HYSTERICAL comment that since the layoff we are like wachovia and first union (or whichever bank took over the other) and that he's declared me insolvent and now all acquisitions have to be pre-approved and some other mumbo jumbo bullshit (ha--i might just get my own damn highlighters today thankyouverymuch!) but despite his :::coughcoughlamecoughcough:::: attempts at levity, he has always been incredibly supportive of me.

it's odd because while i have moved into a stress-less role (except for the stress/worry of finding a job) he has become more stressed because he's the one bringing home the bacon. there is no safety net of me having a job right now. he works for a lucky sperm boy and i know, I KNOW, it takes everything he has not to go in and tell said lucky sperm boy to fuck off and die on a daily basis. the plan is that once i have a job that we get him out of there and into a new job.

********

you know those guilty pleasure songs that you love/keep running through your head but you are soooooo embarrassed to admit you like? ok, well, because you've read this far i'm going to share one w/ you. i'd put the video on here but we're having speaker issues w/ the desktop and i can't hear it so i'm posting the lyrics instead. because really, the lyrics to this song are what i like the most. are you sitting down? cos you are going to bust the hell out laughing---miley cyrus, the climb. (ok, it wasn't THAT funny!) here are the lyrics:

I can almost see it

That dream I am dreaming

But there's a voice inside my head saying

"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking

Every move I make feels

Lost with no direction

My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying

Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain

I'm always gonna wanna make it move

Always gonna be a uphill battle

Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there

Ain't about what's waiting on the other side

It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing

The chances I'm taking

Sometimes might knock me down

But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it

But these are the moments that

I'm gonna remember most, yeah

Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong

Just keep pushing on'

Cause there's always gonna be another mountain

I'm always gonna wanna make it move

Always gonna be a uphill battle

Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there

Ain't about what's waiting on the other side

It's the climb, yeah!

There's always gonna be another mountain

I'm always gonna wanna make it move

Always gonna be an uphill battle

Somebody's gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there

Ain't about what's waiting on the other side

It's the climb, yeah!

Keep on moving, keep climbing

Keep the faith, baby

It's all about, it's all about the climb

Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa

and finally, a joke. what do you call it when miley cyrus falls of the stage? a ho down.

yeah, i laughed but didn't get the whole meaning because apparently she has a song called hoe down so it's even more apropos. and for the record, the GIRL told me this inappropriate joke. yeah, i'm proud.

crass

my blog is crass.
it is pedestrian.
it is earthy; shallow, childish, low, base.
it is not lofty or giving or beautiful or moving.
it does not weave a picture of quiet solitude with carefully chosen words.
it is not soft and buttery; inviting and esoteric.
it is not thoughtful or contemplative.
it is not literate or cultured or artistic.
there's little scenery.
it is only part of me, not the whole.

non sequitors for all

*****jasper, the boy kitty the hubs and the kids rescued and and brought home in october, had his manly bits realigned yesterday. we're hoping he calms down just a schooch. although, really? he's a cute baby.

*****a few days after i lost my job i got on twitter and linked in and all those social networking things, mainly because i was part of them professionally for the job and wanted to keep my fingers in whatever pie might come along. i still have not figured out what i should do w/ either. obviously i am not twittering the stuff i'm writing there because i'm hoping a potential employer will just be...you know, tweeting, and scoop me up and hire me.

*****i have had two meetings since being laid off. i have applied for at least two dozen jobs but these two meetings evolved from blindly sending my resume to two local companies--one a magazine and another a pr/ad agency. both small companies, as is the owner/founder is the only employee. absolutely nothing wrong w/ that, but, in both instances the people were more about picking my brain as to what connections i might have, rather than what freelance (since they obviously were not looking for full time employees) jobs they might have available.

******i get insanely happy when actors i like work together. before LOST the hubs and i were addicted to west wing (you may remember this if you read the blog for a long time) and i do still love it. however, we're now watching in plain sight and mary (main character) was on west wing and now TWO former west wingers have been on ips. i LOVE that shit! and? on house? (another show i love. i might have a unnatural love for hugh laurie's character) cuddy? played a prostitute on west wing. for some reason things like this make me insanely giddy. for absolutely no reason.

*******the kids have been coming home from school for a couple of weeks now, rather than going to daycare. today the girl and i were sitting outside after she got home (she gets home about an hour and 10 mins before the boy--i guess that's the trade off since she has to get on the bus at 6:45am) and she was telling me about these two 8th grade boys who've started talking to her on the bus. (red flag goes up in my head and i immediately think they're hitting on her) she was quite nonchalant about it and doesn't think they were hitting on her. hmmm. then we talked about how she feels about me not working. she said she likes it and that i have more time to clean....and to spend with them. she said that gives me like 15 more hours a week with them. 15 more hours to talk to them and be with them. her words. wow.

aww...summm

the very sweet and kind penny has given me an award : ) most of the time i feel humbled by awards, but this one is for being queen of all things awwsummm and yeah, i totally am. (or maybe i'm just not fully awake?) normally i cringe at misspellings like awe--summm, but i'm not an editor anymore so wtf.

here are the rules:

1. List five things that make me awe-summm.

a. i am a good listener, most of the time, and genuinely care about the well being of my friends and family.

b. i know the words to A LOT of songs. i can hear just about any song and quickly tell you who sings it.

c. i am a crayon master. coloring is in my blood. i am good at it bitches.

d. i am funny, at least i think so. i am sarcastic and sometimes intelligent and creative.

e. the hubs says i give awesome bjs.

2. Pass the award on to five bloggers I love.

a. bea at this wonderful, crazy life because she gives awesome recipes, tells great ER stories, has two awesomely cute little girls and did awesomely creative and funny posts about mr. pickles.

b. hotch at the hotchpotchery because we seem to have the same sense of humor, she is awesomely successful and honest in chronicling her road to healthy living (even if it's dragging here there kicking and screaming) and she's awesomely down to earth.

c. sherry at it's sherendipity because she tells awesome stories; she introduced me to the word douche canoe; she's canadian and behind the rough, snarky, sarcastic posts she's really a sweetie.

d. penny at penny in exile because she makes me laugh and she has the most awesomely cute little boy and her posts are honest.

e. only at only a movie because she shares great pics tells awesomely poignant stories about her job as a teacher and the trials of raising a teenage son and she has the most awesome posts about the coincidences in her life.

3. Tag those bloggers to let them know that they are now Queens of All Things Awe-Summm.

4. Don't forget to link to the Queen that tagged me.

5. If you would like, copy the pic and put it on your sidebar so everyone knows that you're a Queen.

*******

addressing a comment--so, broad asked why i do not have a notation on the tmi chart for the oral pleasure i receive. ahem, ok, i confess, it's because i'm shy. i know right? me? shy? wtf. but seriously, i am. plus, i didn't know what to call it that wasn't too vulgar and lots of times when that happens the sexual healing happens so i just lump my singular pleasure into the sexual healing category. suffice it to say broad, the hubs is unnaturally gifted and giving in that regard. (lord, i think i'm blushing!)

ummmm...sleepy

despite the fact that the school year will end in 9 days i have not gotten used to getting up at 6 am to get the girl up and ready to get on the bus at 6:45am. really, 6am is just....cruel. oddly enough, aside from one day when i was overcome w/ allergies, i have not gone back to bed after the house was empty since i've been laid off. oh, trust me, i've thought about it, just about every day when i wake up, but then i get everyone up, get them off and get on the computer or start laundry or something.

sleep has always been one of my very best friends. i've heard stories of when i was a baby and apparently back then sleep and i didn't know each other that well. my parents would try to get us acquainted by driving me around in the car. to this day transportation of any kind puts me to sleep. i think it's the rhythmic humming and vibrations of motors.

like most teens i slept in late on weekends, at least as late as my mom would let me, maybe 11? noon? i'd usually been up late reading. i certainly wasn't out partying because i was a model child in high school, much to the hubs chagrin. even when we were out on dates i think my curfew was maybe 11 pm at the latest.

during my freshman year of college sleep not only became my best friend, but also my protector. i didn't realize it at the time, but i started a pattern then that's followed me to this day--i escape stress/depression/anxiety/etc. by sleeping. i didn't realize how stressed or maybe depressed (being away from my family for the first time--i know, i know, but at that age i didn't realize how very fucked up my family was) i was my freshman year but i do remember taking a lot of naps. i slept a lot. i think my roommate felt the same way. i can remember some weekends, if neither of us had gone home, where we'd basically sleep all day. and at that time it wasn't because i'd been out all night or hung over---those days came later.

fast forward several years to the hubs and i, living in that cute bungalow, who'd sleep extra, extra late on weekends. like 2pm late. we had no kids, the hubs had a job that had him up at the ass crack of dawn at least 5 sometimes 6 days a week, and we'd stay up till all hours of the night. sleep was again my friend, but i didn't need it as a protector, at least not on a regular basis.

fast forward several more years to when the girl was born. sleep went on vacation, at least the sleep i'd come to know and love. no more sleeping in till noon, no more staying up until all hours of the night, well, not on purpose anyway. sleep back then, and again when the boy came along, was more like a mistress. i stole illicit moments w/ sleep, napping when the baby napped, crashing when the baby fell asleep at night.

it was a very happy day in life when both kids were older, old enough to get up in the mornings on their own, make a bowl of cereal (or god forbid eat chips or cheese nips or ice cream) and watch cartoons for an hour or two. sleeping in on the weekends has always been one of my favorite things.

over the last couple of years sleep has come to visit me earlier in the evenings. for the longest time it was not uncommon for the hubs and i to stay up until 12, 1 even 2 am, even on week nights, turn around and get up the next morning and go from there. however, as i've gotten older, sleep now sneaks up on me, sometimes as early as 9 or 10pm and lays with me on the couch until the hubs is ready for bed.

also as i've gotten older sleep has met pms. for about one or two days while i'm pmsing sleep turns into a violent task master and i become narcoleptic. during these bouts if i sit still for more than 20 minutes i am liable to fall asleep, instantly and uncontrollably.

i think the hubs has always been a bit jealous of my relationship w/ sleep. i have never really been on the outs w/ sleep, never found it elusive. oh, don't get me wrong, maybe 2-3 times in the past 20-30 years sleep and i have had a falling out. but, for the most part it comes to me easily and swiftly. sometimes, when we've gone to bed and are lying there talking, i've been known to fall asleep mid-sentence. i can feel it coming on, but am helpless to prevent it. the hubs, however, has a hard time meeting sleep.

i welcome the peacefulness of sleep, the cozy feeling of burrowing into the covers; the knowledge that at least for a time i will be suspended in bliss with no demands, nothing to be done, no speaking, no thinking, just bliss. i love everything about sleep. i love flirting on the edges of it, dipping my toes into it when you're drowsy, when you know the full on sleep is coming and you're helpless to prevent it so you just throw yourself into it wholeheartedly. it creeps up and embraces you and snuggles you down into bliss.