a need to write

i'm not quite sure why i'm back here writing. i'm pretty sure when you quit posting posts, people quit reading and then you're just writing to write. but, i think that's what i need right now. i am desperate for a creative outlet, because i'm certainly not getting it from my job. i have always thought i had a novel inside me, who am i kidding, doesn't everyone have that thought? but to be honest, i haven't the slightest fucking clue what to write about. no idea how to get started.

writing here is easy because i am anonymous (well, you know, to those of you i didn't know before blogging and to those of you i haven't yet become friends with in the real online world). i can let my hair down and say whatever i want to and not fear the consequences.
whenever any one talks about writing, the rule is--write what you know. this terrifies me because when i think about writing what i know--it is of a fucked up childhood and crazy parents.
maybe i just need to write that and get THAT out of my system and see if there's anything else? i have these daydreams where i write that story and somehow manage to prevent people from knowing just how true it is. i am able to write it and convince the world that it is fiction.

we are coming into fall and that makes me happy. you would think that i should be the happiest person around town, given the fact that i've had a vacation of a lifetime this summer and a family beach trip to boot. seriously, when i think about it i'm an ungrateful bitch because i'm not still riding on a high after those trips.

i am addicted to pinterest. aren't we all? but, as i sit there, pinning away (or liking away because i'm convinced if i just like things at work nobody will know how much i'm actually on there) i sometimes come across nuggets of thought that linger, like lint in a belly button. this one in particular stays with me--i am paraphrasing, but essentially it says we all go around comparing our backstage moments to everyone else's best performance. we look around and see the side of people's lives they want us to see, and compare that shiny happy world to the reality of our own. a reality complete with messy houses and piles of laundry and broken dishwashers and strained relationships. and when you compare that to anything else, you are bound to fall short.

so, perhaps i will get back to blogging here, i can't say for sure. i look at the links over there and am surprised that i'm not the only one who's fallen off the blogging train.

balance

things around here had been moving along, busy, but even-keeled for a while. granted our days were full--with the boy's karate and the girl's play (she's been in rehearsals for months for her first high school play that just wrapped up at the end of april)--but the hubs and i were in a rut. everyone gets in those damn things, but it's really hell when you're both in one at the same time.

the universe decided to help us out a bit by throwing some things at us. in the course of a month (give or take) i had the hubs at the er for a possibly broken, but certainly bloody, big toe thanks to an encounter w/ a fountain. (he caught part of a fountain from the backyard w/ his toe; not broken, but gruesome; he's just back to wearing shoes now); we had the girl at the er this weekend because she passed out (5 hours and the dr tried to tell me it was the sight of blood that made her faint; thankfully a follow up w/ her pediatrician proved that she was dehydrated); our air conditioner has gone out (again); the vacuum is on the fritz (not a good thing w/ four animals); and i'm killer busy at work.

all of this was going on (as well as smaller things like i got a splinter under my fingernail, the iron wasn't working for a day, etc.) oh and i got the girls smooshed again. i am waiting on the results and trying not to worry about it since last year there was a lump, which they discounted as being anything bad, but still, it's there.

yesterday i scored free tickets to cats tomorrow night--the girl and i are going. i think she'll love it. the hubs also (possibly) scored an all-expense paid trip for two to a foreign country in august. our hurdle is getting his passport--our hurdle for that is getting his birth certificate (he was born on an army base outside of the us and his dad has none of his early childhood records/important papers). i now there are ways to do this, just not sure we can get them done before august. i will not get my hopes up about a possible awesome trip that would be my 20th anniversary trip. (yeah, we'll be married 20 years this fall).

so the universe is trying to balance things out. i like that shit.

things that have tripped my trigger lately

...and by lately i mean in the last several months.

music--i have to admit to being a judgemental bitch. i assumed amy winehouse would sing heavy metal music that i would hate--i judged a book by its cover. someone sent me a copy of one of her cds. holy shit she had a set of pipes on her. she was born in the wrong time, certainly an old soul. love her music. and adele. i got on that band wagon too--even though they played the hell out of that one song for way too long. lmfao? i cannot stand. i swear when i saw them on dick's rockin' new year's eve (and how sad is that that he died?) i thought it was a spoof...no clue they were a real band.

books--stephen king is back on track and i loved 11/23/63. i also read the hunger games trio. i will try not to spoil it for those of you who've not read them--but, while many people i talked to where not happy w/ the ending, i was. no, it was not a shiney happy, tied w/ a ribbon ending, but it was the right ending for the story. the movie really disappointed me. i just read jodi picoult's house rules. it's about a single mom w/ two teen sons, one has asperger's. i am curious as to whether her portrayal of a person w/ asperger's is correct. it was very moving and really opened my eyes to what parents of children w/ autism go through--well, you know, as much as a piece of fiction can open your eyes. i am on the lookout for something new to read.

movies--extremely loud and incredibly close. i loved just about everything about this movie. i love the characters and the actors who portrayed them. i love the dialogue and the story and how the story unfolds. yes, it is heartbreaking, but, there is also good to it. the rum diaries--though johnny is in it and i am increasingly obsessed with him (more on that later) i didn't love that movie. it might be because while the girl and i were watching it we were interrupted w/ a mouse siting. the first mouse we have ever had in the house. that distracted me and i couldn't focus on the movie.

stuff--that word game (words w/ friends) and pinterest. holy mother of god those things entertain the shit out of me. when i am beyond mind numbed at work--i like shit on pinterest. i have a johnny board. that man is in my face every damn day--he is fucking gorgeous.

food--since starting the job (it's been almost a year!) i have gained 20 pounds! 20 fucking pounds. why? because i am sitting on my ass all day. it's getting bad and i need to do something. i need to MOVE my body. i need to quit eating!

tv--my new fave? walking dead. do you watch it? i want to cunt punch lori, put a leash on carl, and screw daryl : ) lol. i watched one episode of madmen. i will probably watch it again, but seriously, though i KNOW it is because the time frame it's set in, i can't get passed the sexism.

what music/movies/books have got you all hot and bothered lately?

(and where's the damn spell check on this new blogger layout??)

you know it's been a long time since you accessed your blog account when you have to reset the password (after several failed attempts at remembering what it was). i have been waffling for months now about the blog--thinking perhaps it's just time to face the fact that i don't have time for it, don't need it, and should delete it. nothing has really changed--my time is sucked up by working and being a mom. but, i am in a perpetual state of a creative void and for now it feels like the only outlet i might have is this blog. i doubt i have readers left, although some of you tell me you drop in once in awhile to see if i've posted. you are more than kind. if i do i guess i owe you a little bit of an update on life huh? these days my life is about going to work (and while i am beyond grateful about having a job--it is mind numbing. i didn't think i'd miss writing for a living, and even though the word writer is in my title, it is a misnomer. i am a proof reader/copy-and-paster/grammar nazi) and shuttling the kids around. the boy is still oh so enamored with karate, and attends classes five days a week. the girl--who is doing so well in high school that it's hard to believe it was just last year that middle school created so much strife in her life--has a part in the school play. my little introvert is a theater geek--and i say that with respect, because that's what they call themselves. rehearsals every night for months now--the play is at the end of this month. the hubs started a new job in january. it is not a job he loves, but, he did it for the money, and to escape the hell-hole he was in. we have two years of my being unemployed to make up for--with a kid going off to college in three years and the next one a couple of years after that. there is lost ground to be regained--so--we are both in jobs that do not trick our triggers. ***post writing got sidetracked last night as i had to take the hubs to the ER. he was investigating why the motor in the fountain on the patio wasn't working right when he dropped the top part, and, rather than have it fall on the ground and break he caught it with his foot. i was certain he was going to lose the toenail (and still might) and possibly have a broken toe. we couldn't get the bleeding to stop, so off we went to the new hospital in town. they gave him numbing shots in his toe (i think i would have passed out if it were me getting the shots) and then they drilled holes in the nail to release the blood trapped underneath. not fun. dude thought he was going to get up at 3:45am as usual (yes, that's when he gets up now) and go to work. i texted his boss that he wouldn't be in today. i can't make any promises--i want to get back to writing...NEED to get back to writing. we'll see how this works.

:::tap tap tap:::: anyone still out there?

gah, you go away from your blog for about three months and blogger goes and changes its format! sheesh. i got a fancy new fangled phone at work and i thought that would make me MORE socail media savvy and get back to being on top of things, but obviously that didn't work. our lives are much busier now. i blogged on a regular basis when i was out of work because i had....TIME. before that, when i was employed, i could blog from work or at home in the evenings because i had....TIME. that was pre-karate, pre-high school, pre-soccer. life got full. i'm not complaining. i have so much to be grateful for. so, what's happened since september? i finally got busy at work and six+ months into this gig i like it. i do miss the creativity that i once had in previous jobs, but everything else is good. i get pissed off when people don't meet my deadlines--and now, rather than being an editor that had power over the people writing for me, i have none and that frustrates the hell out of me. but, all in all, it's not a bad gig. the girl is doing much better in high school (socially) than she did in middle school. she still struggles w/ making new friends, but, she doesn't feel like the only brainiac on the planet and is hanging out w/ different kids now. the boy is doing well in middle school and he is now a junior black belt in karate : ) that test involved a family trip out of town for a long weekend, which was pretty fun. we are going to OK to visit the hubs' dad (and his wife, the hubs' aunt) for christmas. the boy is beyond excited about this; the girl could care less; the hubs is happy to be seeing his dad but anxious about spending that much time w/ him and his wife in his mom's house; i think it's a good thing we're going because the hubs needs to see his dad, but i am not over the moon about being away from home for christmas--the first time we've done so in 14 years. i have taken for granted all of the holiday things we do, all of our quirks and traditions and a little part of me is sad that we'll miss that. but, the part that is happy for the hubs to see his dad and my son to see his grandpa is much bigger and outweighs that little sadness. the girl is taking driver's ed. she's in her second week of the classroom portion. it could be a few months before she gets to the actual driving part of it. can i tell you that this freaks me the hell out? the hubs actually had me try to bribe her into not taking it. laptop? $500? nope--she declined both and is taking the class. i know this is part of growing up and i am excited for her. but to me it just means all of those things that happen to your kids before they leave you are speeding up exponentially. those are the big things that come to the top of my mind when i think about the last three months. there have been little things--i made the hubs get rid of his caddy and get a newer car (too many miles, too much work needing done on the caddy); we had a scare w/ the black lab and had to take her to the emergency vet (she's ok now); i went to lunch w/ my mom and she proceeded to tell me she wanted to be closer and happy (like one lunch can erase years of neglect--needless to say i haven't heard from her much since then); the hubs and i celebrated 19 years of wedded bliss (of course we were out of town for the boy's karate test at the time, but still); we visited philadelphia (karate test weekend); i read the help and the latest sookie stackhouse book; we saw breaking dawn (i'm still team jacob); we went black friday shopping (that night, not in the morning) and i was overwhelmed w/ what people will go through to get STUFF. i will try to start reading blogs again and writing here again. i hope you all didn't give up on me completely. i do try to keep up w/ those of you who are on face libre ; )

what to do what to do

the girl has been telling us about some troubling things going on with her friends lately.

first, did you know being bi or gay is the new in thing? well, i didn't. several of the girl's girlfriends say they are bi or lesbian...not one, not two...several. one of the girls has dated boys and girls (she is 14) and last year sort of hit on the girl. the girl admits she doesn't care if they are or aren't but that their talk about kissing girls or detailed talks about it make her uncomfortable and when she says something they make fun of her for being "christian" or a prude. granted, i think a lot of this is just talk--the girls think they're being cool or rebellious or on the cutting edge--and honestly i don't care if they're gay or not. but, it makes me curious that so many of the girls are talking about it. kinda puts me in mind of those teen pregnancy packs that were going around. did i miss something? is this a trend i didn't know about??

second, the girl has another friend who is posting all sorts of freaky stuff on her facebook page. writing and posting dark poems, claiming she's a cutter, that she's suicidal, taking all these dark pictures of herself and posting them online. i don't know her parents. my girl confronted her about it and the girl acted like she had no idea what she was talking about. the girl says she acts perfectly normal at school, is happy, has friends, etc. this particular girl has had issues in the past--in 7th grade she accused my daughter of bullying her, going so far as to make anonymous phone calls to the bully hotline. it was a strange situation. after that she started following my girl around like a puppy dog and now she's acting like this. again--i don't know if this is serious or just for show.

do i get involved? do i call her parents, whom i don't know, and tell them they need to look at their daughter's fb page?

and w/ the bi/gay thing--i know one of the girls parents fairly well (we don't hang out or anything but we run into each other all the time because of our daughters). i don't know if they know what's going on w/ their kid.

i'm hesitant to do anything because for now my girl talks to us and tells us everything. i worry that if i start talking to parents or getting involved she won't trust us and tell us things we need to know about herself.

what would you do?

if i only had the nerve

in my head i am a balls out kind of person. i vent. i go off. i call people out on their totally fucktardiness. i am a badass mofo. in my head. in person i nod politely or hold my tongue (except of course w/ my family). maybe i should clarify...

yes for the love of god i do realize that changes on facebook are not the fucking end of the world, but, if i want to get on there and vent because they have made that thing such a fucking chore to use i don't even know why i bother, then don't write some holier than though post about how it's free and i'm not required to use it...blah blah blah. shut the fuck up. instead of writing that comment on fb i am sharing it w/ you here.

my sister has been posting that her middle child, the boy who creates havoc w/ all of the kids whenever we all get together, says he is getting picked on at school and she is fuming mad at the principal. my bro politely commented that his son said the same thing before and in the end they found out he was actually the one causing the problems. my sister apparently is one of those parents who thinks their kid can do no wrong. oy fucking vey. and after reading all of her other posts i'm quite sure her fucking house must be sparkling clean because that is all she talks about. or that someone is sick. or that she's just bought the kids some new cloths. i know i know--it's a free country, people can post whatever they like. but really? shut the fuck up already.

i am getting more into the rhythm of my workplace now and have discovered that i seriously fucking want to get one of those t-shirts that say...just because you waited until the very last minute to fucking get something done (even though i might have been prodding you about it for weeks) doesn't mean it is now my burden at the 11th hour. and while we're at it--omg...please, please please stop using the word ubiquitous. part of me thinks you are being witty by planting it in every paragraph of your work, but then i realize you aren't and it just makes me want to scream. also? can we just teach a class on marketing 101 to the whole fucking company? instead of saying this 12 times today i held myself in check, went out for a smoke, and then spewed all of this stupidity to the hubs on the phone as i was driving home.

and...man oh man. i am not a politically minded person by any means. while the hubs is a republican, i consider myself an independent, mainly because i can lean both ways depending on the issue. in a nutshell--i don't think the government has a right to tell me, if i make an ass load of money, that i should have to pay more in taxes because i made more money. flat tax across the board. i don't think the government should preclude people of any sex from getting married. i don't think they should tell churches what they can or can't do (not because i don't believe it in but i believe in the government staying out of the church's business). why should any one else care if two men or two women want to get married? are they marrying YOU? then get your fucking nose out of their business.

slumping along

ah...fall is here this weekend. i don't know if she's here to stay, but she is here. sporting events yesterday for the girl and the nephew. good. chili for dinner. good. but...i have been slowly walking down this hill into....slump. i told my friend texas about it a while ago--it's like nothing BAD has happened, i am not having an issue (aside from the ongoing head-shaking stuff of my parents/sister). i have a job, even if there are days that i have to amuse myself for fear of falling asleep. those are the longest days. i am just....vanilla.

do you ever get that way? i am not sad over anything. nobody has burst my bubble. no one is being particularly dickish to me. i just feel blah.

i blew up at my family friday after work because of the house. when i was laid off the house was my job. i might not have been the best at it, but i did it. i resented it being taken for granted, but i did it. now that i'm working and the kids have afterschool/evening activities it seems overwhelming. the hubs handles 95% of the evening activities (the boy's karate) so that does count for something. gah, i just need to get over myself and buck up right?

my kids are healthy. they seem to be adjusting well to their first years of middle and high school. their grades so far are great. they are interested in new things (drama and band). the hubs is mostly the best husband ever. i have a job and am getting paid so i don't have to worry about how to pay the bills. so what the fuck is my problem????? i keep coming back to this part in the book the help (have you read it? if not you should, it's a great great read). one of the maids is just perplexed because her boss, who seemingly has everything a person could want/need (except for a child and friends) is blue all the time. the maid says something to the effect of, "it's just like a white person to have everything under the sun and and not be happy." i'm paraphrasing, but that's what i took away from it.

not the post you'd think today

i thought about posting one of those, where i was 10 years ago today posts, but i just can't do it right now. i've read a few, and there are even more comments about it on fb and i just....don't want to feel sad.

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the cookout w/ the whole family last weekend was fine. empty. i told the hubs, it wasn't like when we get together w/ my bro/sil and the kids--happy, relaxing, fun, full of heart/love. i always look forward to any time we get to spend w/ them. i don't even think THEY know how much it means to me. but the cookout w/ the whole family...i actually dreaded it for days. i was not excited about it in any way. like any other time we all get together, it feels forced to me. it feels like we are all gathered out of obligation, not out of wanting to be w/ each other. the kids ran around playing as they always do, and, as always happens, my sister's middle child throws a wrench in things. he is a cute boy. if he changes his attitude and habits he will be a heart breaker some day. but--he is a tattle tale and a whiner and a sneak and a liar. granted, he's only in 1st grade, but my kids and my other nephew struggle to get along w/ him. my sister is also strange in that she doesn't let her kids do anything. my kids and my bro's kids (to include little puddin' who is 3) rough house and wrestle--my sister's kids are not allowed to do this. i was surprised that she let them play out in the yard w/ nerf guns (she doesn't permit gun/death play). i don't get this--how did she grow up in the same house i did? whatever. my mom did not go out of her way to interact with the grandkids--she asked for their birthday/christmas lists--further promoting the idea in my kids' heads that she's not there to love you, talk to you, care about you, just to give you stuff. she fb from my patio that she was enjoying the day w/ her kids and grandkids (all for the benefit of her sisters i'm sure).

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I am beginning to realize that this may actually be all there is to my job. Proof reading and juggling due dates. Pushing paper as it were. Waiting on feedback from others. Filling in excel spreadsheets. I have asked for more work. I have done everything but come right out and say most days I am bored senseless. I keep hearing, it will get busier. We’re coming up on our busy season. Hmmm. I’ve been here three months and I’m not seeing it. thank God they aren’t going to hire another person to do what I do, because really? That would be a gross waste of money. People here were under the impression that this was a time-consuming, tough job. Part of me wonders if there is something I’m supposed to be doing, that would take up some time, that I’m not. But, I’ve asked. The other part of me thinks that the person who last had this job had people snowed. Snowed better than any politician could imagine. Snowed more than Antarctica in the dead of winter. Snowed more than Charlie sheen’s glass-top coffee table. I have heard that she didn’t really pitch in to help anyone else out. Really? Sometimes that’s the only work I can get to fill the hours. I also heard that she holed up here in her office with the door shut all the time. Knowing the amount of work she didn’t have I guess I could see that because it would enable the taking of naps. I also heard that lots of guys frequented her office. Digging through some of the old files I have discovered that these guys were previously paid inordinate sums to produce things. Granted, part of my job is to work w/ these people producing things and to request payments for them, but, there is no paper trail to follow to discover how the previous person in this job came up w/ the payment figures. So…..I have some thoughts on this. One, she was padding their payments, doing part and or all of the work, and getting a kickback from them. The dirty minded part of me thinks she was getting kickbacks for other services she may have offered behind her closed office door. I have never spent so much time online, but it’s not even exactly what I’d like to do online because I can’t get to my email from work and I won’t risk actually blogging from work (just don’t know how much Big Brother pays attention) and though I can get to FB from work, I’m leery about being on there too much or posting or you know, playing those games I haven’t played in months. I make lists for myself. I do online crossword puzzles. I shouldn’t complain. As far as the big picture goes, I’m not complaining. I’m grateful to have a job. But the days go by so slowly when you don’t have a lot of work to do.

where does the time go?

i swear, i blink and a week goes by. but, during that week it feels like it takes forever, like life is moving in slo-mo. it just hit me this week that part of the reason things feel so crazy is because not only am i working again, but, the boy has karate while i'm working. this is a first. he started taking karate when i got laid off. we didn't have the mad scrambling to get people where they need to be like we do now. and the girl's soccer has started back up.

we've always told the kids they could do one thing at a time, i'm glad we did. although, maybe i was kidding myself. both are involved in classes (orchestra, band, drama--yes, my shy little girl is not only taking theatre arts, she's joined the drama club AND tried out for her first play) that require extra time.

what is suffering? my house. i seriously started thinking about seeing how much it would cost to have someone come in and clean once a week. but really--once a week wouldn't be enough. the dog shedding requires vacuuming every day. laundry. etc. i think perhaps i might have to adjust my expectations as to what my house will look like for the next seven years? (until the youngest goes off to college). i'm not a clean freak (far from it) but i feel out of sorts and jittery when the house is out of whack.

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labor day weekend is finally here. what does this mean? family cookout. the WHOLE family (yes, my parents and my sister and her family). my bro and his family will also be here but i like them. this was the hubs' idea--giving peace a chance and making an effort and all of that bullshit. i am certainly not looking forward to it, like i look forward to the bro and his family coming over. my parents will sit around talking to the grown ups, and then wonder why they have no relationship w/ their grandkids (well, my kids and my bro's kids). she actually emailed me this week asking for christmas lists for them!? really? ask them yourself today! get to know them! sheesh!

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i didn't feel old until...

....i watched the vmas tonight. today's my birthday. it has been a wonderful day--hubs and kids made breakfast (kids even picked out turkey bacon (nasty) because a few days ago i said we needed to get back on a healthy eating track); i got some kick ass presents (some of which you can see above); hubs grilled steaks; we shared a bottle of wine. perfect day.

then we watched the vmas. i didn't recognize many of the names. i shook my head at most of the performances, even lady g. i saw a commercial for...i can barely say it...a remake of footloose. what the hell is the world coming to? people accepting awards w/ the baggy pants and underwear showing. people dressed up w/ stuffed animals as accessories. i am old.

i have to admit a secret though...i have a bizarre crush on russell brand.

oy to the vey

i am beginning to worry about my son. dude does not fucking listen to anything. he is not a bad kid. he's not mean or hateful. he's very respectful, creative, intelligent, caring, loving. but, oh, my, gawd he doesn't listen. he has no focus.

i can tell him something right to his face. three times. and it's like the words i am saying are going in one ear, and he hears me talking, but he cannot comprehend what i am saying.

for example--tonight he asked me, hey mom, do you know a jane doe? me, no, why. him, jane doe sent me a friend request on fb. is she a friend of yours? me, no, i don't know a jane doe. him, so are you friends w/ her? is she on your fb page? do i know her? me, SON, i do not know anyone named jane doe. him, didn't you used to work with someone named jane doe? SON!!!! i do not know anyone named jane doe!!! him, ok, ok, you don't need to yell. so, should i accept her friend request? hole.e.hell.

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so much too say

thursday of this week i called the hubs from work. i was all excited because...omg...i was BUSY. yes, BUSY i tell you. (this phenom remained in tact on friday as well). when i have work to keep me busy (even if it is not the most sexy, creative work around) i am much happier. when i called to tell him this he was hanging out at my parents' house.

why in the hell would he be doing that you might ask? he's been carrying around this footlocker of anger/frustration over them most of the summer because of their lack of involvement in our kids' lives and the fact that they are shitty parents/grandparents. we spent hours rehashing his conversation that night, but basically he feels better, got a lot of his chest and they (once again) say that they want to be better, blah blah blah. i get the feeling that this might have been a repeat of a conversation my brother had with them about a year ago about communication and how they don't do it. whatever.

yesterday we went to a local karate tournament that the boy was competing in (didn't know we were doing this until the last minute). since starting karate two years ago he's been to half a dozen tournaments and i am perplexed. you'd think a sport/hobby/discipline as focused as karate would lend itself to an organized event. NOPE. i have never been to one that started on time or was organized well or that didn't have starts and stops as the organizers tried to figure out what they were doing. i don't understand that at all.

i also took the girl to get her school-do on. purple highlights. as much as i like our cool little hairdresser girl and her shop atmosphere and the others who work there, every time we leave we are not fully satisfied w/ the service we've received. the girl expressly told the hair dresser how much purple she wanted and where (because the last time she got blue and didn't specify, she didn't really get as much as she wanted). again...not as much purple as she wanted. and even though i was sitting there the whole time, i'm trying to figure out how such little coloring took two hours. the last time i got my hair highlighted there i was also underwhelmed. sigh, i fear i might be time to find another hair place. i hate that.

what the hell is happening?

riots and fires and vandalism in london

for the first time in history the country's credit rating has been downgraded

three FUGITIVE siblings were caught in colorado after committing crimes in fl and ga

comprehending the debt the country is in is impossible

stephen hawking outlined exactly how the big bang created the universe and said that meant there was no need to say a god did it therefore there is no god

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sadly i have gone against my nature and, out of boredom, i read the news more often now. why? there is nothing positive in the news. the world is falling apart. seriously. falling apart. and? i read an article yesterday that basically said the japanese government didn't properly evacuate people after the reactor meltdown because they didn't know where to send them because the people who were supposed to be able to figure out the technical data about where that shit was blowing didn't know how to read the data. REALLY?

zzzzzzzzzz....wait...what? it's 5pm?

i will preface this post by saying, yet again, that i am unbelievably thankful that i have a job. i am working for a good company. the people in my department are cool. it is laid back. i am thankful for a paycheck that allows me to pay the bills and actually start rebuilding from the last two years and planning for the future. i have friends who are still job hunting. i know the fear and anguish they face.

BUT...i have never been so freakin' bored in my life. i go in every morning thinking...how am i going to make the things on my to do list last all week? when i do have tasks to perform they are...boring. i am a paper pusher. the creative juices get drained at the door. there is no need for them. today i completed several online crossword puzzles and a sudoko puzzle between proofing ads that consist of one line of text and part numbers. i am editing a q&a article and trying to prevent myself from rewriting the whole thing just so i have something to do. part of my job entails creating (i use this term VERY loosely) blurb copy for weekly online newsletters. i am not only caught up on this task, i have all of the work for august done. my boss is on vacation this week, which makes it even slower for me. she keeps telling me it will get busy. there is scuttlebutt that we will be hiring more people in our department in the fall. i am wondering why.

i would rather be running around w/ too much on my plate than sitting there trying to figure out how to fill the day. it drives me nuts. i am cautious about playing around too much on the internet, which would fritter away a lot of time, because i don't know how closely this company monitors such things. i did, however, notice that when i've gone to talk w/ our graphics person about ads we're working on, she is either on fb or shopping online.

the hubs asked me today if everything was ok. i told him i am bored to freakin' death. but, still, glad to have a job. very glad to have a job. and i'm not looking for a job.

hazmat

you know how most bathroom stalls are pretty standard? you have the toilet paper dispenser on the left side and usually a shiny metal trash bin on the right. well, in our work bathroom stalls there is another receptacle beside the tp dispenser w/ little bags for disposal of "necessary items" as it is labeled. there is also a paper toilet seat cover dispenser. some of the stalls also have a sign on the door, so when you sit down, you can read..."blood-born pathogens can be harmful. please wrap all necessary items and dispose of them in the bags before placing in the trash can."

there are also bigger, brown paper bags in the shiny metal trash bin on the right of the stall wall.

outside the stalls, on the wall, there is a necessary item dispenser (like many bathrooms have) but these are free.

today is day three of my needless period and i did not pack enough supplies to get me through the day. i don't know whether it's age or what, but i require both a pon and a pad, industrialabsorbancy in both.

now, since i have two "necessary items" to wrap and double bag every damn time i go to the bathroom (so i don't contaminate anything w/ blood-born pathogens) it takes awhile and it is noisy. i feel like i should be wearing a damn hazmat suit.

today the free supplies in the dispenser just weren't doing the job so at lunch i went out to the grocery store to pick up the industrialabsorbancy supplies i needed, so i wouldn't have to reload every damn hour.

i enter the grocery store and voila--there's a bogo sale on pepperridge farm cookies. snag, in the basket they go. i have to walk through the deli so i snagged some sushi to take back to my desk for lunch. i am circling the store (not my local grocery) to find the industrialabsorbancy items i require and find myself in the frozen food aisle. of course they aren't there, but there are bogo ice cream sandwiches. i snag those to take back to work to share w/ my co-workers. finally find the pons and get to the checkout--i look down at my basket--two bags of cookies, two boxes of ice cream sandwiches, a thing of sushi and a box of industrialabsorbancy pons--yeah, that's a period shop for ya.

hello? is anyone still here?

i haven't posted in a long time...not because there hasn't been anything to write, but because i have less time than i used to.

the new job (how long are you at a job before you quit calling it the new job?) is going well. i have days of feeling completely overwhelmed. days where i feel like i must have been living under a rock for the last decade because there is so much i have to learn. days when i feel like if i have to attend one more meeting my head very well may explode. but, most of the time, i like it. my rose colored glasses are slipping down a little in that i don't think this is the picture perfect company i thought it was, but that happens w/ everyone doesn't it? the people in my department are mostly cool. the quiet ones are coming out of their shell a bit. i think they were probably shell shocked from the last person who had my job, from what i can gather. i think she was a bit of a bitch and they dreaded working with her. it's always good to come in behind someone others didn't love to death.

the summer is flying by, although i cannot wait for this heat and humidity to be gone. it makes me cranky.

last weekend we escaped the heat w/ my brother and his family. we took a day trip a couple of hours away along the blue ridge parkway. it was perfect. we found a picnic table by the stream and we enjoyed playing in the water. it was about 20 degrees cooler there. a breeze. shade. perfect. later in the afternoon it started thundering so we packed up and headed down the parkway. we stopped at a historic house along the parkway and sat on the huge wrap around porch overlooking the valley and a lake while it drizzled rain. it was sublime. it was the most relaxing, best day we've had in a long time.

i will try to be better about posting. i miss reading and being read. i hope you are all doing well. oxox

sleepy random post

*the boy spent the night at a friend's house last night and the kid's dad just brought him home. otherwise i would still be asleep, like everyone else in the house.

*the hubs has had a summer cold for the last couple of days....hacking, headache, feeling like crap. i've been dosing him w/ nyquil in the evenings and mucinex during the day.

* i am sporting not one but three friendship bracelets made and given to me by the girl. i think there is an unwritten rule that if your 14 year old kid gives you a friendship bracelet you pretty much have to wear it for the rest of your life, even if you have a big meeting coming up on tuesday.

* the meeting isn't really THAT big of a deal, more like a pain in the ass. i have to organize said mtg. the head honcho likes to meet w/ a dozen or more people throughout the company each month (from all levels and divisions) and i have to make sure a dozen or more people are there and have not been there before and all of the computer equipment is set up and the agenda is ready and there are name plates, etc.

*at what point do you stop making people do something they don't want to do? my SIL is being the peacemaker in our family and has invited my folks and my sister to her house today to hang out. while normally we jump at the chance to hang out w/ my SIL/bro and the kids....my family groans when i tell them the rest of the guest list. at what point to i stop making them go to these get togethers?

*i have started investigating the prospect of visiting the FIL this year. in my perfect world we would board the dogs at cool kennel and fly to OK. price? $1800 before ANYTHING is done but flying/boarding. so...looks like we will be driving to OK this year. how do families afford vacations that require flying and/or staying in a hotel for more than 3 days?

* i am becoming desperate, desperate i tell you, to be at the beach, even if it is only for a 3-4 day weekend. actually, that would be just fine for me. i want to go so badly i can taste the saltwater in my mouth.

*we watched just go with it (which i keep wanting to call just do it....thank you nike) last night (adam sandler and jen anniston). good movie. laughed out loud a few times; love the actors, etc. i hope this isn't a spoiler---but they end up going to hawaii (a big group). so...sandler's character is paying for six people to fly and stay in hawaii. he didn't book ahead (so this is last minute pricing) and the two rooms he books are $8,000 and $12,000 a NIGHT. yes...i realize this is a movie and it is not a central part of the plot in anyway, but i fixated on that part. yeah, i'm weird.

it sneaks up on me, even in sleep

i just had what felt like the longest and most realistic dream i've had in a very long time. my mom and my aunt were throwing a party for my sister. tons of people were there and although we were obviously at some one's house or apartment, i've never been before. there were lots of rooms and the party flowed inside and outside; it was a two story apartment so there were lots of decks and patios too. for the most part i wove in and out of these rooms, avoiding my mom and my aunt and my sister. i would go from room to room doing something---making sushi (which i cannot do) in one room, where the voice of my mom or aunt complained that you couldn't see the shrimp in it. i'd move on to another room to do something else. even if i didn't see them, i'd hear their voices and it would annoy me. eventually i decided to leave, just sneak out. but, the place was a wreck and while i didn't mind leaving my mom and aunt w/ the mess, i didn't want anyone else to think i'd ducked out w/out helping. so i was speed cleaning rooms. tossing plastic cups and plates, etc. then i got to the kitchen, and there they were. my aunt was washing dishes and bitching because my mom had invited my dad. i guess in this dream they were separated or something. my aunt's grandkids were dancing around in this kitchen w/ my mom, who was swinging them and laughing with them, enjoying them. then i exploded. i went off on my aunt and my mom and it was venomous. and then i woke up and i have tears in my eyes.

plethora of friends

i hate that i've not had time to post anything here. i hate worse that i've not been around to read blogs much lately. while i love that i have a job now, i miss the quiet time and time with the kids and just time in general. but...i like being able to pay our bills and not worry about where the next round of money will come from. i like knowing that soon we will be saving for the future again.

the job is going well. i have so very much to learn. and....i fear that any creativity i may have used at work in the past will not be needed in this job. but...i will try to remain optimistic and maybe one day that will come too.

my friend texas came to visit a couple of weeks ago, over father's day. the hubs....who really is the most incredible man i know...practically shoved us out the door to go to dinner, alone, on father's day because we haven't been alone since we've reconnected. it was so good to just sit and talk. even though we email all the time...there's just something about sitting across the table from a long lost friend and sharing your thoughts.

in the same week we went out to dinner with a group of friends--five couples and our kids. we hadn't seen one of the families for several years (they moved out of state). the rest of us see each other every couple of months, but it was fun to have us all together again. it was amazing to see their kids and how much they've grown and to slip right back into the familiar jokes and stories and interactions.

today i caught up with another good friend big t. we don't see each other nearly enough, even though we live in neighboring towns. i have started describing my friends in emails to my friend texas. i want her to know the people who are important to me. i described big t as an older sister (although not that much older i should point out.) big t has been my lifesaver on more than one occasion. she is the friend who would come to get you out of jail; chastise you for being a dumbass if you'd done something stupid to get put in jail; and still give you a hug and stand by your side. she is often a voice of reason...but also filled with so many ideas and so much knowledge. she's an incredible woman. and i think if i weren't friends with her the hubs would be anyway because they are peas in a political pod.

i don't have nearly the time for blogging and reading and visiting with friends as i'd like to, but i hope they (and you) know just how much i value these threads weaving the tapestry of my life.