Saturday, May 9, 2009

don't laugh but i'm watching message in a bottle. i know, it's sappy and whatever but i can't help it. kevin costner AND paul newman together? emotion, love, the outer banks, writing and paintings and well, there you have it. sniff sniff.

so my old co-worker called tonight. she went to an industry trade show i was supposed to go to blo (for those just tuning in that's before lay off). she told me how so many people asked about me and were sincerely upset that i wasn't there or w/ the magazine any more. i have to made me feel good. she went on and on about this for about an hour and one thing keeps playing in my head. she said all the people were asking what i was doing now or where i was going, etc. she said she didn't know what to tell them. then she asked me, so, what is it you want to do?

i think that's the hard part for me. i don't know. for so long i have been this that or the other. i was a college student and then a waitress and then engaged and married and on to another job and then another and then i was a mom, and then once again. through all of that i have been a daughter and a sister.

but i don't really, truly know what i am, who i am. i know what i like to do. i know what i think i'd enjoy doing if money were no object. maybe this all happened so i could find myself again. the self that got lost and smothered by job after job. the spirit that got tangled up in a web of deadlines and selling out.

in a perfect world, well semi-perfect if i have to have a job, i wouldn't have to work for a company i didn't find heart in or didn't feel good about. i never really looked for that in a company, never really cared i guess. oh, i have felt good about companies i worked for in the past, but not for the right reasons. my second job in publishing was at omni magazine (which is now dead and gone) but i was so proud to work there. i had a lowly postion there at the start, but i thought i was hot shit. omni published stories from stephen king for god's sake! his address was in my boss's (and then my) rolodex. anyway, since then i haven't really worked for a company i felt proud of. if i have to have a job, i'd like that luxury this time around.

the practical side of me says i should reach out to all of these people in the industry who've asked about me, just to let them know if they want to hire me to write something for them i'm available. the pollyanna side says i don't need to. hmmmm, wonder who will win.

1 comment:

drollgirl said...

the need to make money just screws everything up. in college i started out being an art major and added accounting so that i would always have a job to fall back on. very practical of me, but it sure got me some odd looks having that double major. accounting quickly went by the wayside, but it is almost impossible to make a living as an artist, particularly if you don't really have the talent or the belief or the drive to MAKE it work.

but i am babbling about me, and this is about YOU!

you have been a busy woman and it seems circumstances and need have driven your course in life. that is ok and all, but maybe now you can shape your future a bit more. hopefully!

it is such a drag going through life doing what needs to be done to get by. it makes you feel like a drone. i know there is more out there, but so far i haven't been able to figure out how to get to it. damn the need for money to survive!

i hope you figure it out. your time is DUE!