good things

when i think of listing good things, which i've done here before, i always think of that poem rocky wrote in mask (actually, i just looked it up and mask was based on a true story and the real "rocky" actually wrote this poem)

These things are good:Ice cream and cake, A ride on a Harley, Seeing monkeys
on a tree, The rain on my tongue, And the sun shining on my face.
These things are a drag:Dust on my hair, Holes in my shoes, No money in my pocket, And the sun shining on my face

i'm sitting here on saturday night; the hubs is snoozing in his recliner; the kids are in the den watching a movie and actually not fighting for once today; i have a dog and a cat on the sofa beside me and i'm watching under the tuscan sun.

it's been a bad week, but really, i shouldn't complain. i have a job, for now, and i have insurance to cover the doc appt and meds for my sinus infection. i went to the grocery store today and bought food for my family. i know things could be much, much worse.

and so, my random list of good things

flannel pajama bottoms, so soft, warm and buttery and no bra

old movies, especially starring katherine hepburn

dogs or cats snuggling on your lap

snuggling of any kind really

hot tea or, better yet, coffee (w/ cream please)

scarves

old fountains

discovering that your son will eat salad if you buy the iceberg lettuce in a bag kind (yuck)

getting lost in a good book

photographs

shrimp

the sound and smell of the ocean; rhythmic, crashing waves are calming, yet frightening in their power; i feel whole but insignificant

the smell of snow (though we haven't really smelled it this year)

bread and butter

peanut butter and chocolate

email

naps

long hot showers

strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, blackberries

sexy movie scenes that leave the sex to your imagination

clean kids

creating something, anything

trees--in spring, summer, fall and winter

pregnant bellies

picture pages picture pages

just b at mile 17 tagged me w/ this picture meme thingy a few days ago. i was intrigued but laughed when i read it because my pictures are soooo all over the place. anyway--so here's the game---

1. Go to the the 4th folder where you keep your pictures on your computer.

2. Post the 4th picture in the folder.

3. Explain the photo.

4. Tag 4 fellow bloggers to join in the fun!

this is a somewhat fuzzy photo of herself, princess meow meow. this is the girl's cat. her baby. i have so many cat pictures on my camera it's unreal. and the girl has taken 99% of them. princess meow meow (we call her meow for short) came to live with us about 3-4 yrs ago right after july 4th. our neighbors found her stuck in their drainpipe and asked if we wanted her. i said no, we already had two dogs and a cat. the girl begged. i said she'd have to talk to her dad about it. so we walked home from the neighbor's house and the hubs was sitting out on the patio. i told him i'd already said no, we didn't need another animal. the girl locked him out of the house and said he couldn't come in until he said she could have the kitten. she cried big tears; she laid on the charm. she twisted her dad around her little finger and the cat came to live w/ us. and, to be fair, meow has more personality that just about any cat i've ever known.

the girl babied her, literally, from day one. she swaddled her in blankets, dressed her in buildabear clothes and carried her around like an infant. meow adores the girl and is beside herself when she's not home. the girl can be at one end of the house and sniff or cry and her cats races to her. she's quite vocal and meows (talks) to us all the time. she sleeps with the girl every night. she cuddles w/ us all, well, not the boy so much. she still lets the girl swaddle her and she even purrs when she's doing it.

that's my fourth pic. that's meow.

now, i'm tagging more than four cos i'm nosey like that : )

drollgirl, hotch, shere, tracy, astarte, kristin, bea, broad and tonie.

(ok, i would have tagged everyone but i'm lazy like that)

smp

smp=snot, mucus and phlegm. i thought if i put that in the title you might not read : ) (i just realized that's pms backwards. how apropos).

where in the HELL do snot, mucus and phlegm COME from? we don't ingest it, yet, our bodies seem to have a never-ending supply of it.

as if this week didn't start out bad enough, i had been sneezing. here and there. i sneeze weirdly. not once, but like 3-4 times in a row and high pitched, childlike sounding sneezes.

earlier this week i said, oh, yeah, my allergies are acting up. i was taking otc anything and everything. tuesday night i felt like shite but had to work wednesday because of stupid deadlines. finished that up, left early to go to the doc so she could tell me yes virginia (not my real name) you do have a sinus infection. she gave me a scrip for an antibiotic.

i tried to fill it at tarjay but had my medical card not my prescription card w/ me so i gave up and went home to die.

yesterday i stayed home from work. i got the kids off to school and planned to go back to tarjay for the scrip when the pharmacy opened at 9. i slept until 11ish and then went to get it. srsly, not being able to breathe, having a pounding headache, chapped lips (cos i'm breathing only out of my mouth), the itching ears and coughing oh, and that lovely nose running that gives you NO warning whatsoever, liquid just starts coming out of your nose (usually when you are furthest away from a kleenex) and you can't stop it has made me quite the bitchy mcbitch these last two days. poor hubs.

on top of the sinus infection and friends being laid off this week i've been having weird dreams. first i've been dreaming about my fave gma (who died the year the boy was born, so that's 9 yrs ago). nothing specific about those dreams, just she's in them. the hubs says it's because my thoughts of her are always happy, safe, comforting, and i'm subconsciously looking for that right now. (he's pretty awesome huh?) then the other dreams are about work and how i get lost in the hallways or on trips or someone is sitting in my chair, etc. doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure those out.

i do not know what on fucking earth possessed me to enter the profession i did. for someone who does not respond well to authority and who hates being under pressure and having deadlines, publishing was so not the field for me. maybe i'm going through a mid-life crisis brought on by stress. i know i should be happy to even have a job, and part of me really, really is, but nobody should have to spend the majority of their week in an environment they can't stand. plus, now it's like i don't really have a voice and i feel shitty about that. i mean before i would speak up when i thought things weren't going right or i would stick up for the integrity of my publication, but now it's like keep your head down and just do whatever you're told. integrity has fled. i hate that.

*****randomness. in my sinus stupor yesterday i watched annie hall for the first time ever. i liked it (though i did doze off one time when she was singing). i don't think i've seen many woody allen films as an adult, but i really liked this one because he flits in and out of thoughts and ideas, much like my brain works. plus, i love diane keeton. i also watched part of yours, mine and ours (w/ lucille ball and henry fonda) and omg, i can't imagine having that many (18-19?) kids. but, i liked it as well. i also caught part of imitation of life (? i think that was the title) w/ lana turner. i feel like i'd seen that before. lana was simply gorgeous. wow. it was amc day apparently. i'm not home during the week day much alone--there really is a lot of crap on daytime tv huh?

10 little indians

up until today i was living in a bubble. of course i was not oblivious to what is going on in the world. i know people in my industry who have fallen on tough times, lost their jobs, made cut backs, etc. today, 10 people in our office were laid off. there were about 80 in our office (though the company itself is hellaciously huge w/ many offices all over the world). three of the 10 are very close friends of mine.

i have been through this before and while being one of the ones to lose your job makes you angry and scared and feel like throwing up, being one of the ones left makes you feel survivor guilt and incredible paranoia waiting for the other shoe to fall (because it always does) and it makes you want to throw up.

12 years ago i went through this w/ another company. it was a year long layoff process. the staff kept shrinking. we knew we were going under, yet the corporate office kept holding on. it was like cutting the gangrene out of a wound in the hopes that something would survive, but by the time they started cutting out the gangrene it was too late and everything died. we were finally down to five people in the office, i was stressed out beyond belief, and then the final axe came. i slipped into a depression that lasted for a couple of months. of course on top of that i thought god hated me and didn't want me to have a baby since we'd been trying for like five years and nothing had happened. i didn't know it at the time but i was pregnant then.

i'm not convinced i will not be laid off, not tomorrow, but before the year is out. part of me doesn't hate the thought because i am burnt out and have been dreading a layoff since last january and the last good thing about my job (my friends) is gone. i'm fairly certain i will not find a comparable job in my field here (or, at this time anywhere) and i'm not sure how qualified i am to do much else. but, as the hubs says, we will survive. we always do. i have him. i have my kids. and those things alone are what i live for. he reminds me we work to live we don't live to work. so true.

in an odd twist of fate my sister also lost her job today. she, however, is nonplussed. she'll get severance for a couple of months, then unemployment and then of course is her fall back plan, government assistance.

creative kerfuffle might not be the most fun thing to read in the days and weeks to come. i will try to snap out of this, but there are no promises. ck is my online journal, at least that's what it started as, so it has the good and the bad. if you don't want to read the bad, i understand, but i'll still have to write it. i won't blame you if you drop out of sight for awhile--there's nothing like reading doom and gloom when you've had enough of it in your own life. but i will still visit you from time to time and comment and be here, even if it's not obvious.

edited--wow i forgot to give this a title

hello my lovies. and how are you? i'm feeling a bit better. so, what's happened since we last talked?

well, at work i missed a manager's mtg thursday while i was home w/ the boy. our new big boss teleconference called and i guess the low down is he's a bigger fan of online publishing than print; he doesn't really understand the separation of church and state as it pertains to publishing (ie journalistic integrity) and he doesn't really understand why each magazine has an editor and a publisher; but he really likes the idea of events (ie conferences) and he'll be down at the end of february for us all to tell him about our publications and basically justify our jobs. ok then. and, in further cost cutting measures the only staff members going to my conference are me, the queen of evil (haven't mentioned her in a LONG time) and ditto (my publisher). yeah. i'm gonna have fun. NOT.

enough work talk.

the hubs and i had date night last night. we dropped the kids off at my parents (my nephew gameboy stayed as well), grabbed a bite to eat and then came home and.....well, never you mind what we did after that. but we had a good evening : ) there might have been mary jane and brownies and sex and movies (fargo) and laughing and dot dot dot (bonus points if you can say what movie that came from) : ) honestly? it doesn't even matter what we do on date night, just that from time to time we have a night, to ourselves, where we can be a couple, act silly or crazy or whatever and not be mommy and daddy. it makes a huge difference in ones attitude.

we got up at 8:30 (i KNOW early for me on a weekend. it sucks), went to my folks house and the hubs took the boy to his guitar lessons while the girl and i hung out w/ my mom. i made the mistake last night when we dropped them off and mentioned that we're thinking about going to DC for the kids' spring break. my mom invited herself to go w/. uh. fuck. no. today the hubs said i had a decision to make about that--my mom could come w/ or we could continue to enjoy a happy marriage. (but i know if i really WANTED her to come, he'd give in). this morning it slipped out that my sister is even more irresponsible than i thought.

i've told you she's expecting (3rd baby, 3rd baby daddy); possibly could get laid off (though i guess she doesn't think so any more) and her plan for the future if that happens is medicaid. so, she's living in a two bedroom apartment now, plans to move into a house before the baby comes and lives pay check to pay check w/ help from the government by way of free health care for the kids and reduced lunches and reduced daycare. so, her husband of 5 months gets his tax rebate this week and what did they do? put it in savings (you know, cos they're having a 3rd kid and all)? nooooooo. they bought a 52" flat screen w/ stand, blue ray dvd player and a Wii and got cable and internet access. are.you.fucking.kidding.me????? i'm just freaking stunned. how can you be so irresponsible w/ money like that? i mean the hubs and i have made bad purchases through the years and splurged, etc. but not to that extent. and the hubs has been chomping at the bit to get a big flat screen and blue ray. oy vey.

after the boy's guitar lesson we went to my friend donut's house and picked up a grill she didn't want (have room for) and gave to us. we visited w/ her baby munchkin. this is the first time my kids have seen her and she's 7 months old.

we took the grill home and then went to cracker barrel. omg. i'm sure i've been to cracker barrel before, like maybe once a million years ago, but oh.my.god. it was so freaking yummy. the green beans tasted EXACTLY like the green beans my grandma used to make. it's all comfort food there and it all tastes homemade. we came home and took a nap afterwards : )

merriam webster has nothing on sherendipity

i KNEW it! i shared sherry's new word---twat waffle---with the hubs.

and what was his comment? twat waffle, mmm break out the syrup and butter.

the conversation went down hill from there.

thanks sherry : )

mojo oh mojo, where for art thou mojo?

i feel like i need to post SOMETHING so all of you don't run away and stop reading because i'm so freakin' lame. but this week has put me in a funk. a funk i say.

i did get a good laugh at sherendipity's new word--twat waffle. even though she's off her groove too she still makes me laugh. she's in the sidebar, read her. if you like reading about cheese and twat waffles and douche canoes : )

the hubs says i should take a picture of our garage and blog about that. for those of you who have been to my house you should know that since tuesday we have been parking not one, but TWO cars in the garage. it is clean! it fits two cars! it is a miracle! amen. really, our garage hasn't actually housed vehicles for any extended length of time since we moved here 7 years ago. it is an awesome sight to behold. plus, it's nice not to totally freeze your ass of in the morning or have to start the cars 20 minutes before you actually need to leave the house.

the blogging mojo has fled because the worry wart drove it away. the worry wart is worried about the upcoming conference at the end of february. the conference that i have to run, speak in front of people, etc. and in case you didn't notice? the economy is in the toilet right now and getting people to pony up money to attend a conference isn't really the easiest thing to do. despite that if we don't have a good attendance it will somehow be a reflection on me. oh, and we got a new big big boss, like my big boss's boss. i am not totally convinced that i will keep my job this year. however, the hubs is incredibly awesome and supportive and reminds me that regardless of what happens we'll still have our family and we'll make it through whatever happens and we've been through tough times before. but that worry wart guy keeps slipping in through the back door and i just want to take and axe to his forehead. the worry wart, not the hubs. the hubs rocks my world.

we also had another school project issue w/ the girl this week. i'm so at a loss. however, i think her teacher might also be off her rocker a scootch. after turning in the big project there was to be a group project, basically based on the same information. it was due today but when they went to school yesterday (after being off monday for the holiday and tuesday for snow) she pushed it back until friday. then TODAY the teacher said, oh, we have end of quarter testing today and tomorrow so it's due tues/wed/thurs of next week. the girl had concerns that she was the only one in her group doing anything and how would that impact her grade? the teacher said that only those in the group that actually worked on the project would get credit, so i do feel some better. but, get this, the girl said the reason she's put this off and not tried her best is because she doesn't want to stand out as the smartest in the class because people tease her. oy fucking vey. the hubs deals with these things so much better than i do. i lose my mind and get emotional and don't know what to say. he talked calmly with her about doing her best and being herself and being smart is a good thing. that trying to dumb herself down will only hurt her and the people making fun of her now will be the people working for her in the future, etc.

(sheesh, for not having much to say i'm sure rambling.)

i had to take off work today to take the boy to the dentist. he was having a filling and some other stuff done. i requested sedation because the last time he had something other than a cleaning done they had to load him up w/ novocaine (and it still didn't completely take) and he ended up hurling on the dentist. he was a nervous wreck the last time and the last thing i want is for him to be as freaked out about the dentist as i am. so they gave him some valium, we sat there for half and hour and then they took him back, fixed things and voila, no problems at all. while i was sitting there waiting for him (and watching what not to wear and totally wishing i could go on that show) i realized i totally fucked up in the job picking department. i should have been a hygienist or receptionist or something that didn't require you to actually think about your job when you left at the end of the day. i'm not saying those jobs don't have their challenges but deadlines and stress and ongoing projects--they don't have those. and i would love to have a job that i actually left at work at the end of the day.

but you know what? the hubs and i are having a date night tomorrow night (kids are staying w/ my folks) and w/ the garage cleaned up we can now actually use the treadmill (and i really am going to start doing that cos tracy and hotch and bea are making me feel like a slug w/ all their healthier lifestyles) (ok, we're not going to use the treadmill on date night, that was totally a run on stream of thought sentence) and i am more fortunate in so many ways than so many other people. i am not homeless. i am not alone. i am not sitting in a hospital room with a sick child. i am not worried because my kids are out roaming the streets. and i can still afford coffee and peanut butter m&ms : ) though this week i didn't have the peanut butter m&ms so i took a spoon of peanut butter and added my own m&ms. it wasn't the same, but it was yummy.

observations, not necessarily political

these are my totally random observations and thoughts on the goings on yesterday.

i was at work so didn't get to watch the whole inauguration but did catch bits and pieces last night, as well as some of the balls. (i said balls, snicker)

i saw a clip of people who were stuck in some tunnel or other, on foot, for 3 hours. no.fucking.way. i would have freaked the hell out.

maybe it's because this one was so historic, but i never really paid that much attention to the inauguration before. also it could be that i am not that interested in politics.

watching these types of things always makes me think of west wing and i go through the episodes in my mind, comparing them. yes, i have obsessive issues.

i think it is totally ridiculous to have 10 balls in one night. seriously. it makes no sense. and though i have no style sense whatsoever, i think michelle's dress was fugly and not very flattering.

i would have loved to know what they said to each other during the dances, because i'm nosey like that. do you think he was all like--i am soooo getting laid tonight. i am your commander in chief. cos i know that's what the hubs would be saying.

i bet last night was the first time in at least 8 years that the president had sex in the white house and i bet it's been longer than that since a president had sex with his wife in the white house. yes, my mind works like that.

i feel sorry for their daughters. it's been a long time since there were little kids in the white house. their lives are going to be so bizarre for the next 4-8 yrs. no playing in the back yard, no having a friend come home from school with you, etc. i can't imagine.

i can't believe they had geraldo at the youth ball. i dislike him any way, but at the youth ball? for real? they should have posted him some where else. and, was it coincidence that he was wearing rose colored glasses? and? i totally expected the first couple to bust a move at the youth ball at the very least.

why did they dance to the same song (though i heart etta james' at last) every time. that was lame.

and how much do you think cheney hated being in that wheelchair yesterday? what a craptastic image for him to go out on.

and, regardless of what you think of his politics or person or whatever, don't you know dubya is probably having one of the best days he's had in a long time today? he can sleep in late, nothing on the agenda, etc. what a great feeling that must be.

and i feel sorry for the first couple--out all night at those ridiculous balls where they have to dance at every stinking one and then up bright and early for work today. it's not like he could call in sick or take a few days off. that sucks.

survived; hair removal; progress and history

hey there! did you miss me? yeah, sorry about that. it doesn't happen often, but i just didn't feel like posting. i often post about things of little consequence, but i just wasn't feeling it this weekend. so, i will update you on what's been going on.

*****we survived the 12th bday sleepover. the girls were up until after 3 am and then got up saturday around 7:30 or 8am, but, i lived. the hubs and the boy also had a good guys' night, i think it's something that will always be a good memory for the boy. i think the girl had fun. her family bday party saturday went well too, though my brother kicked my ass at wii bowling. i redeemed myself and kicked the hubs' ass at it last night. my sister got the girl an abercrombie & fitch hoodie and shirt and we had to exchange it yesterday (too small). the kids and i were off yesterday for mlk day.

*****a&f (see above) the girl is by no means over weight or large or anything but i swear to jeebus that a&f clothing is made for tiny, tiny, sickly people. the girl has just started wearing size 12 pants (for length). she tried on a 14 at a&f and they were way, way too small. really? and? she had to get xl shirt and hoodie because holy hell the mediums were too tight. wtf is up w/ their sizing??? and everything smells. they spray that damn cologne on everything. anywho--they had a sale going on so we exchanged her stuff and she got an extra shirt and the boy got a hoodie. they should be happy campers for a day or so.

*****the kids and i were off yesterday for mlk and we spent it at the mall and borders and running errands. i got a shirt, green no less, for $7.99. i think it's the only green shirt i've had since high school.

******today was the historic inauguration. i'm glad people feel so hopeful and i can appreciate the historic implications, but omg, he's just a man for god's sake.

*******can we talk hair removal? i have friends who do the waxing thing. they swear by the waxing thing. i have never done this and, being one who really can't see hot wax being intentionally put on my who-who, just can't wrap my brain around it. i've tried shaving and even the depilatory creams (oh the burning) and the latest endeavor was the as seen on tv but available at tarjay smooth away. let me save you $10. it doesn't work. it's like what i think dermabrasion must be like, it's a buffer that you rub clockwise and then counterclockwise. at first it feels sort of smooth, but your skin is ashy because it's also exfoliating. put on some lotion. yeah, there's still stubble there. smooth away doesn't actually smooth the hair away. i'll stick w/ shaving. and why is this such a turn on for men?

and, on the same hair removal topic--one of my friends is going to school for this. well, for this and facials and waxing in general, and nails, etc. part of her course work will involve giving these treatments to people (friends) to practice. yeah, uh, i can't see letting my friend give me a who who waxing. but omg, she's excited about the school and becoming certified in this. though i'm happy for her and her goals, i just can't see being excited about waxing who whos.

******other things that have been on my mind center on my job and the possibility of it going away and about my writing and the possibility of never actually writing anything worthwhile and/or having a book published. not that i have anything to publish. but some of the blogs i read are written by very gifted writers and i look at my stuff and i think wtf am i doing?

i finished the twilight books, thank god, because bella was really starting to get on my nerves and by the forth book i really just wanted to cunt punch all of the characters except for jacob the wolf/man. then i started reading stephen king's latest collection of short stories, which i got for christmas. i've never tried short stories really. well, let's be honest, i've never really written a book either. i've started several.

here's my thing w/ writing a novel. i don't know how to write something that isn't at least somewhat autobiographical, no matter how i try to disguise it, and there's just a lot of bad shit i can't be throwing out for hell and half of georgia to read. so then i thought, huh, maybe i could take a stab at short stories. but again, how to do so w/out spilling my inner bad shit?

so that's really why i haven't blogged. i have a lot of questions running around in my head. a lot of uncertainties and blogging about my fear (though i'm trying not to think of it as a fear) of losing my job or worse, my fear of never writing anything worthwhile.

*****grins and giggles---sunday i lovingly called the hubs a douche canoe and the girl said don't you mean douche bag? i said no, he's more than a bag and she said then shouldn't you call him a douche truck? : ) he he

*****we got LESS than an inch of snow today. schools and daycare closed. the hubs stayed home with the kids. he finished cleaning out the garage (moving things to the shed); we actually have both cars in the garage tonight. if he got paid to do so i could really get used to him being a stay at home dad. he said i should pay him in sex. ha.

ok, so now i'm off to read and comment so you don't think i've abandoned you ; )

mama mia!

it is 12:21. the den floor is covered with blankets, pillows and stuffed animals. that's where they plan to sleep. the girl said she didn't want anyone sleeping in her bed.

the girls have been watching mama mia (i got it for christmas, it does rock actually). they watched the version w/ the song lyrics scrolling across the bottom. they have been singing and dancing at each song.

oy vey i am ready for bed.

i may not make it through the night

it is only 9:30. the girl is having a sleepover tonight (her 12th birthday is tomorrow). the hubs and the boy escaped to a hotel for guy's night. the girl has two friends spending the night.

do you know how squeally tween girls can be? it is like that high pitched noise right before only dogs can hear something. they have had junk food. they have had soda. they are hyper. they are chasing each other around the house, wearing blankets like capes. they remind me of the boy when he was a toddler. but the boy never squealed this high pitched squeal.

my heart just thudded. they're in the girl's room. i can hear bits of their conversations. the girl is in the middle of these other girls. and by that i mean one of the girls is more popular and seems "older." she has one of the phones the girl covets--some flip keyboard phone or something, i really have no idea, only that it is "way cool and you can type on it like a keyboard" and the girl really wants one.

the other girl walked in and said, "wow, your house is twice the size of mine" and she doesn't have a cell phone and she shares a room w/ her little sister.

the "cool" girl looked in the girl's closet and asked if that was all the clothes she has. admittedly the girl doesn't hang up a lot of her clothes, she stuffs them in the drawer. the girl said her other clothes were in the laundry.

they are now sitting at the kitchen table making bracelets and origami boxes. there are beads all over the kitchen floor.

oh lord, now they are singing. country music. country? wtf? shit, that song is going to be stuck in my head all day tomorrow. our song by taylor swift. twang much?

the hubs and the boy went out for chinese for dinner and are no doubt eating junk food and watching iron man in a hotel room right about now.

tomorrow we'll have the family over for cake and ice cream and celebrate.

i still can't believe she'll be 12. this time 12 years ago i'd been in labor for two days. right about now i was in hard labor and wondering if she'd ever come out. around midnight the dumb ass doctor would finally decide to do an emergency c-section after letting me push and push w/ no results. and then, at 1:17 am, jan. 17 the baby i feared i'd never have, the baby i dreamed i was pregnant w/ before i even knew i was pregnant, my sweet baby heidi was born.

she is so incredible. for all that we've gone through this week, she's just amazing. she's loving and sensitive and beautiful and tender and intelligent beyond her years and curious; sassy and sarcastic and funny. she's so like me in many ways and so like the hubs in many ways. i love the freckle on her left ear and the faint scar above her right eye and the birthmark and scar on her butt and the way she's sprouting up so fast that she'll be taller than me in a few years. i love the way she sings with all of her heart when she really can't carry a tune in a bucket. i love that she knits w/ pencils and still loves to color and cuddle and play w/ her cat.

i want to shield her from everything and anything that might hurt her, whether real or imagined. i want her to feel confident in herself and be proud and not worry about what other people think or do. hard to instill that in someone else when you can't always manage it yourself.

i think back to the baby and toddler years and how hard i thought it was then. well, not hard exactly, but a different kind of hard. it's a lot of sleeplessness and demanding in that you don't get more than five minutes to yourself for so many years and there is no reasoning with them and the protectiveness you feel then is because they're so physically vulnerable. now it is hard because even though i love seeing her stretch her wings and assert her individuality she's more emotionally vulnerable. and those hurts, those aches, can't be kissed away and made to feel better w/ a band aid.

a prize? for me?

about a month ago the lovely and amazing astarte held a contest. to win the contest you had to share your most embarrassing holiday moment. squeeee! i WON! today, in the mail, i received an awesomesauce prize. let me show you it. (hotch, that's lolspeak for take a look at THIS!)

oooooo, pretty paper. the kitties love it : )

yeah, the hubs is TOTALLY gonna steal this from me! : ) but wait, there's MORE!!!

see all that loot? there are nifty pens (i love nifty pens) and penguin socks (i'm so wearing those to work tomorrow) and chocolate covered coffee beans (no, of course she didn't send them to me opened, but, ya know, i had to taste them) and heart earrings and magnets (the girl totally wants to steal those) and dog bone shaped paper clips (the girl already has stolen some of those). how freaking awesome is this????!!!!! thank you thank you thank you astarte : ) i officially forgive you for dropping me off your blogroll : )

now, i suppose you want to know what embarrassing moment won me this nifty prize huh? ok. i'll share.

ok, so my most embarrassing holiday was when i was about in 8th or 9th grade. i had only recently started my period. we went to wv for thanksgiving where ALL of my extended family lives. i was hanging out at one grandma's house and my parent's were at the other grandma's house. i started my period. since people having periods had not lived in that house for about 10 yrs the only supplies my gma had were those long, ginormous mattresses that attached to belts. one of my aunt's (10 yrs older than me) took pity and called my mom and told her to stop at the store on her way to my gma's and get me some real supplies. so, when my folks walk in w/ my supplies in a brown paper bag i was pleased--right up until my dad whipped out this huge box of pads in the living room--in front of all of my uncles who were watching tv--and asked if i needed these. i was humiliated. all the adults laughed an i basically avoided the lot of them as much as possible the rest of the day.

astarte made some comment about my dad just not having a clue that this would embarrass me, but no no no. he totally knew and he did it on purpose.

astarte--this totally made my day! thank you!

*and i have no idea why i over used totally and nifty in this post.

the plight of romania

on dec. 4 the girl (sixth grader) was given information about a project for social studies that would be due jan. 14.

her task was basically to learn all she could about romania. she had 12 sections to cover (transportation, myth (vlad the impaler), composer, writer, landmarks, etc.) and each was to be at least half a typed page and a picture.

there were some other things (examples of the flag, make a postcard that would entice people to come to that country and talk about some current events).

historically when the girl has had big projects i hounded her to death. and would take the notes she had compiled on something and type them for her (cos she couldn’t type). now that she’s in middle school, (and taking keyboarding), i have stayed out of it for the most part. i have periodically asked if she’s working on the project, yes, she’d say. the hubs would ask, yes, she’d say. we didn’t have a working printer at home, so last week she asked me to print stuff out at work. idid that.

this weekend i was getting antsy about her project. our desk top had been on the fritz (is now replaced) and she’d used the hubs’ lap top to work on her project.

i started grilling her about the project over the weekend and the hubs again asked her if she had it under control or did she need help, she said she was good. she spent a lot of time on the computer.

the night before the project was due i asked her about it again. she said she had a little bit more to do. i tried to hook our old printer to the new computer tuesday night and they weren’t compatible. the hubs went out, at 9pm, to get the appropriate cord. the girl was still working on her project. she worked on it until midnight. it was not finished. it was no where near finished. early in the evening we realized she’d not been working on it all the time she told us she had. she….procrastinated. and lied.

she went to bed, project unfinished, printer not able to print. i was sick w/ anger and disappointment and i don’t know what else. she has always been a great student. always gets good grades, etc. i knew not turning the paper in on time would cost her points (though i still haven’t figured out the convoluted system the teacher spelled out for what each part of the project was worth).

the day the report was due she told the teacher she procrastinated and that a tiny bit of the problem was our printer didn’t work. i told the girl i was proud of her for owning up to her issue but that it really had little to do w/ the printer, cos if she’d have had it done i would have taken it somewhere, anywhere, to print it out.

she worked on it again last night, until midnight. she’s been dragging the last two mornings. we sent the report in on a cd and i emailed it to the teacher to be safe.

i have since calmed down. i started a post tuesday night when we were in the crux of this and it was just unreadable anger and pissedoffedness.

i bounce between disappointment in her for just not even trying to get it done and LYING to us that she was doing it and anger at myself for not being more on top of what she was doing and passing on my bad procrastinating habit.

should i have helped her with it? should i have let her stay home “sick” yesterday and finish it? i was torn all the way around. my hope is, that since it was such a nightmare, so stressful, so tiring, that maybe this will teach her a lesson? hopefully? yesterday morning i ached for her having to go in to school and tell her teacher she didn’t have her project done. the teacher was as shocked as we were. this just isn’t like the girl.

the project is turned it; hopefully a lesson has been learned and we’re implementing stricter homework policies for all.

sometimes being a parent really blows. now i don't know whether to believe her when she tells me her homework is done (she SAYS she finishes it at daycare). i see her report card, i know she gets good grades. and i know how very lucky we are that we have bright kids and they don't have a lot of problems in school and i know things could be worse. my parents never checked my homework, they weren't involved really in my school work, at least not that i can remember. maybe it was different w/ my brother and sister, but i knew when i had homework and i did it.

this is not a real post....

....because i have a real doozy brewing on lessons learned/epic-fail parenting but i can't write it at the moment cos i'm still stewing.

and i've poked around some of your blogs and the epic fail thing/kids pushing your buttons theme seems to be going around. nice week eh?

one of you has dropped me off of your blogroll, i'm not talking about YOU, but you know, the person standing beside you. i wasn't going to say anything but it's sticking in my craw (crawl?--regardless, not a fun place to be this week) and i'm wondering what i said/did/didn't do? don't make me cry.

i wasn't in a posting mood, really, cos aside from the kid shit there is work shit and i've really been thinking about trying to have a different, positive attitude and so far FAIL. but, i saw these two articles and they struck me for weird reasons so i wanted to share.

first, looks like if the gov of kentucky has his way i won't be able to live there. i plan on quitting smoking, but, you know, stress fucks w/ that sometimes.

and this story has two points---a--do not fuck w/ cats, especially feral cats. (tracy is right in that cats don't spell good or use good grammar rulz, see comments on 25 things if you're totally confused) they are powerful. and second--hello, of course if humans mess with the eco system they are going to screw things up royally! sheesh. i'm not even a scientifical person and i know that. so, don't go to macquarie island in the near future.

however, you might visit me on this island if i get the best job in the world.

25 things

my friend broad challenged me w/ this, 25 things about me, yesterday. initially i laughed, cos i'm all about these types of listies, but it was actually hard because i'm an open book i think. broad and i have been friends for (omg) about 7 yrs now and i always liken us to shirley maclaine (ouiser (i've always thought it was weezer) ) and olympia dukakis (clairee) in steel magnolias.

here's my list:

1. when i’m drinking something cold (like my fave, sweet tea) i prefer plastic glasses to glass glasses. i have no idea why

2. when i’m at work i put lotion on my hands like 7 times a day

3. i prefer writing with pens with blue ink rather than black ink

4. you would not be able to tell from my skin tone, but i am 1/32 cherokee

5. i have an obsession for icanhascheezburgers. it always cracks me up

6. i would like to learn how to make soap and jewelry and to develop film

7. i started crocheting the hubs an afghan about two years ago. not only is it not finished but, since i only know one crochet stitch and cannot follow a pattern it is about twice as wide as a normal blanket should be. it would make a lovely scarf for….a giant

8. sleep is, and always has been, my friend. it is not just a physical necessity for me. i enjoy it. when i am depressed or stressed it helps me cope (not always good). i slept a lot during my freshman year of college. aside from being a stress reliever, i just really enjoy the peace and comfort of it, even if it’s just a catnap

9. when i go out to eat i totally “need” a straw to drink out of my glass but i don’t use straws at home

10. i often wonder if many people are happy in their jobs

11. during the work week i probably drink 5 cups of coffee a day on average. is that too much?

12. my parents were not cuddly, affectionate, i-love-you, type parents when i was growing up so i delight in the fact that the hubs and i are, both w/ each other and w/ our kids (and i love using the word delight)

13. coming up w/ 25 things is hard. i do not own a pair of boots

14. i am trying to grow paperwhites on my desk at work because i cannot have indoor plants at home because the cats will eat them. meow has even tried to eat the one faux plant we have. i don’t really like faux plants (pst...this is not a pic of my desk; it's from google images. are you kidding? i don't have a window! and my paperwhites are only about 2 inches out of their bulb at this point. and, they're growing wonky--all slanted over.)

15. though both the hubs and i have hazel eyes both kids have brown eyes

16. sometimes i miss 80s fashions

17. i was surprised when the hubs told me this weekend that when we got married men he knew at the time said to enjoy it then because after about 10 years, marriage sucked and became more like a business arrangement. thank god he didn’t listen to them because our first several years were not as good as these years

18. i am surprised that neither of my children twirl their hair (a habit of mine) but my nephew gameboy does

19. in the fall/winter, one of the first things i do when i come home from work is put on my pajamas

20. i have never seen an imax movie

21. though i have faith in god i’m skeptical about religion and the bible; i also believe in supernatural phenomena and haven’t discounted reincarnation

22. . i am not very patient. it bothers me when i email someone and do not receive an immediate response

23. green is my favorite color but it is not a color i wear

24. i do not name the vehicle i drive

25. i’ve lived in nc longer than i’ve ever lived any where else, and yet whenever we go to wv to visit family a sense of belonging washes over me like the mountains are welcoming me home on some primal level

santa forgot one present

motivation. cos god knows i need it.

it is 2:12. i just got back from lunch w/ the hubs. after a self-imposed week of not eating out for lunch.

i should be working. not checking my blog comments or reading your blogs.

i have a lot of stuff coming up. i should be doing something productive.

my first born turns 12 (TWELVE!) on saturday. she's have a sleepover friday night. lord help me. the hubs (chicken) is using some hotel points so he and the boy are having a "guys" night at a local hotel. actually, i think this is sorta cool because omg the boy is stoked about it. i'm talking uber excited. guys' nights have typically been an evening at the house when the girl and i are out or when we went camping when she was in scouts, etc. guys' nights always involve root beer, junk food and staying up all night (or until they fall asleep on the couch). my kids think sleeping on the couch is awesome for whatever reason. (admittedly i do like napping on the couch). my friday night will be filled w/ squealing 12 yr olds. then saturday we'll have the family over for cake/ice cream. i've warned them i may not be awake.

in feb. i have two work trips. i am already dreading them. first, vegas. don't get all excited. cos seriously? after the first year or two of the trade shows i got over the excitement of them. and i usually go to vegas three times a year. at the end of feb. i'll be in san antonio for a conference. one i've had to plan. and i will have to get up in front of people. and speak. and i loathe that more than i loathe most anything really.

also? it's monday. i think mondays should be outlawed.

but, let's end w/ a few happy notes. one--bulb catalogs. omg. they are like crack to me. when one comes in the mail i greedily grab it and start circling everything i want. then the hubs looks at it. last night i tallied up all the things we both wanted? yeah, $140 something worth of bulbs and bushes and stuff. i trimmed that bitch down by almost half and we get a $20 off coupon so squee! i'm going to order some stuff this week. i heart picking out flowers. planting them? not so much ; )

and also? sshhhhh, but we might get SNOW sun/mon! i say this softly cos i don't want mother nature to know how excited i am about the possibility cos she might be a bitch and take it away. plus, the hubs hates winter and snow (hence the reason we could never actually live in vermont and nc is probably the furthest north i could ever get him to live). but, the kids and i both have monday off so we could totally spend the day making snow people and snow angels and drinking hot chocolate and playing in the SNOW! i love snow, in case you didn't guess.

ten thousand plus...squeee!

dude! a little more than four years into this and i FINALLY hit 10,000 visitors : ) he hehe

not that i'm all about QUANTITY or anything, cos i'm not. but i have to admit when my friend broad surpassed 10,000 (and she's been blogging 1 year) i was a little green w/ envy.

wow, 10,009, visitors. ok, i know that's not ACCURATE cos i probably account for about 7,000 of those visits myself, but still, it's a milestone.

color me happy : )

movies and news

i am a dvr whore. i drive the hubs crazy because sometimes when he's watching tv i flip on the dvr guide (which puts his show in this teenie box in the corner) and i scroll through movies looking for things to dvr.

two recent movies we've watched via dvr (i think they were on hbo) are the jacket and the savages.

the jacket (2005) w/ adrien brody and keira knightley. it didn't get great ratings but it was interesting. adrian brody's character ends up in a mental institute and kris kristtoferson is his doc who treats him by putting him in a straight jacket and throwing him in a morgue drawer for hours on end. it is dark. it's part sci-fi. it's not a feel good movie, but it's interesting.

the savages (2007) w/ philip seymour hoffman and laura linney. i love these actors. (he was also awesome, and a show stealer, in charlie wilson's war). philip and laura play siblings who have to deal w/ their aging, abusive, dementia-suffering father. they had a suck ass childhood and are now faced w/ what to do w/ a parent they've had little contact w/ in years. great movie, they were awesome and frankly, lots of things hit home for me.

news? well, i try not to watch too much news because it depresses me and freaks me the hell out. i like living w/ my rose colored glasses on and take comfort in the fact that if there's something really serious going on that i need to know about one of my friends or the hubs will tell me. this way i avoid hearing about that crazy woman in florida who killed her three year old or six year olds toting guns to school, etc. however, i catch tidbits from time to time and flipping through the channels the other day i saw babwa wawa (i can never think of her w/out saying her name that way) interviewing patrick swayze. first? i didn't know he had cancer. second? omg he's aged. sniff sniff. he was diagnosed w/ pancreatic cancer about 18 months ago (i think) and at the time told he had like 4 mos to live. he's beaten the odds no doubt. i read a headline friday that he was in the hospital w/ pneumonia. this makes me sad. it's not like i'm a huge swayze fan. yes, i loved dirty dancing. i mean c'mon. i was in college when it came out (1987--yes, it's been THAT long) and it was of course hot and i have the soundtrack and it's an iconic movie. nobody puts baby in a corner. and, lord help me i even liked point break and road house. so, yes, i makes me sad that he might be knocking on death's door. i hope death's out getting his robe dry cleaned or something and doesn't answer.

speaking of movies---what are your recommendations? old, new, color, b/w, award-winning or not--give me your top three movies.

sibling angst

it's almost a given that brothers and sisters will fight. it is assumed, expected even. but i've been thinking about this a lot lately and wondering WHY?

the last several months or so my kids have totally been pushing each other's buttons. all.the.time. and it is both of them.

the girl (nearly 12) is ms. bossy pants. she thinks she's grown. she thinks it's her right to boss the boy around and bully him. she sees nothing wrong w/ telling him to do something and if he doesn't she will either yell at him or get physical. she's been punished for this a kabillion times.

the boy (9) does things he knows will irritate the girl. and he tattles. and he whines. he will start playing a game with her and then not want to finish if things don't go his way. or, he will ask for her help on something and then fuss at her for helping him or not listen to her.

i fought w/ my brother when we were younger. i really, really did not like him. at all. there are six years between my brother and i. aside from being an only child until he came along, i also was the only grandchild (my brother and three of my boy cousins were born w/in a year of each other) until they came along. he was born in germany, the first time my dad was stationed there. when we came back not only did we have him but there were those three other boy grandchildren. i was not happy, but, still the only girl. (the other girls came along when my sister was born and right before that my aunt had twins, a boy and girl).

i didn't like him from the beginning and really not until we were adults did we actually get along well.

but what is the crux of sibling issues? is it competing for your parents attention? is it competition in general? there are time when my kids get along and they play together and everything is ok. but for the most part lately they seem to be at odds and i don't know how to help them work through this. it is so exasperating.

i know my kids aren't the only ones that do this, but i think we've collectively just accepted that this is the way it is.

i've always secretly hoped that my kids would be close; that they'd be friends. i know the age difference plays a part in it, she's in 6th grade, middle school and he's in 3rd grade. there's a difference in maturity, there's a difference in interests and there's the inherent difference in boys and girls.

there have been times when they have stuck up for each other, usually when outside forces (school) are at work and most often it's been the boy sticking up for the girl. i just hope that when they get older that they lose this attitude they have toward each other and come to like each other and respect each other.

i have a great friend in my brother and i would hate for my kids to miss out on that relationship w/ each other.

he shoots! he scores!

the other day one of the hubs' customers gave him four tickets to a hockey game. i will wait while those of you who know me well laugh.

you see, we are not sports people. i did not intentionally set out to marry a man who doesn't watch footballbaseballgolfbasketball etc. it was just icing on the cake.

i have never been interested in watching sports of any kind. i've never had a favorite team, i don't root for anyone. i've watched boxing and find it interesting for a little while. soccer, eh, it's ok. the holy trinity (baseballfootballbasketball) bore me to tears.

the kids wanted to go to the hockey game and the tickets were free so we went. i sort of screwed it up a little. i took the tickets out of my purse when i got home and laid them on the table. when we got to the coliseum--a 25-30 min drive? yeah, the tickets were still on the table. dear sweet hubs drove home and got them, even though up until that time the kids were being totally freaking obnoxious.

we missed the first 15 minutes, but omg! that was fucking cool! i'd seen one hockey game before but it was long ago and i didn't remember it being so much fun! wow. and, i sort of caught on to what was going on, though during the last 10 seconds or so i noticed our goalie was missing and the hubs had to explain why.

i personally think that hockey has to be one of the more challenging sports because not only are they trying to score they are speeding around on skates. not just running down a field or a court and throwing a ball or hitting something w/ a bat or a racket, but all of those skills PLUS the ice skating. awesome. and even though it's violent (i didn't realize how cool THAT part was) it's also so fluid and graceful.

i do have questions though.

this is what i know:
you can body slam someone against the wall and that doesn't get you fouled out

however, if you and the other guy start beating the hell out of each other and it turns from hockey into a boxing match you get a time out (i love that part) 2 mins in the box

up to six players can be on the ice at a time but if you're bad you can lose a player for awhile

there are three time periods

if you are REALLY bad the ref takes 5 mins off the clock (not sure if that's right or i just misunderstood something and lost track of time)

questions:
what DOES get you fouled out if it's ok to body slam someone?

is there ever anything like the free throw in basketball (it is called the free throw right? when a player gets three tries to make a basket w/ the other guys lined up beside him?)

it seemed like players just came and went on the ice as they wanted, like the team was together but separate. how do they know when they have to get off the ice and someone else comes on?

it seemed like the coach wasn't much involved, like in football or basketball the coaches are more obvious, more active. in hockey the players would argue w/ the refs not the coaches

tonight the twin city cyclones lost 3-4 to the richmond renegades

christmas poo

two years ago our dogs, leah and keely, escaped from the big fenced in back yard. since then the hubs has been like mcguyver trying to keely-proof the yard. she's a digger and she's lithe and fast. leah, the black lab is not. so keely digs escape holes for leah too.

i think i blogged about one of their failed escape attempts but since i don't use tags (curse me) i can't find it. (note to self, start using tags) also, i can't remember if it was this year or last year, the failed attempt. the girls had been digging out on and off for a few days, always when we were at work. thankfully they'd just dig under our fence and end up in one of our neighbors' yards and my one old lady neighbor would call me at work. the last time she called me at work it was pouring rain and they were in our cop neighbor's yard. i went home to fetch them.

by the time i got there keely had dug a hole from the cop yard to the old lady yard and was gleefully running around in the rain and sooo very excited to see me. like, look what i did mom. leah, poor baby. keely hadn't dug her hole big enough so she was stuck, in the mud, between two yards. the old lady and i tried our best to get her out but couldn't. it was still raining and cold. the cop neighbor came out and had to literally dig leah out from under the fence. after that i put them both in the garage until we could figure out how the hell to contain them.

that was in the fall and since it was cold they pretty much stayed in the garage while we were at work. not great, but they were warm and safe.

in the spring the hubs built a dog lot on the side of the house and, up until about a month ago this contained them. then we came home and keely was in the big part of the yard, outside of the dog lot. the next day we came home and she was in the front yard (which is not fenced) and wagging her tail like, look what i did mom.

since they were headed back to being in the garage during the day anyway (because of the cold weather) we haven't found the next best solution for containing them, though the hubs does have a plan which involves the alcatraz of dog lots or something.

so the dogs stay in the garage during the day. there is an old area rug out there and a sofa, so it's not like they aren't comfy. it also it piled high w/ all the christmas stuff because we are waiting on delivery of a shed, which has been postponed due to the flood of rain we've had this week.

during all this time they've been in the garage they've never trashed it, never gotten in to anything, never fouled it up. day before yesterday things changed. the hubs got home first only to find a shit fest. yes, apparently leah and keely had a contest to see who could shit the most in the garage. dry heaving, he cleaned it up.

yesterday i came home and they had peed but i smelled something worse. there's nothing worse than going on a poo hunt in your garage. you can smell it. you know it's in there. i think the girls were trying to be nice. they were trying to do the right thing. they were looking for grass. instead, they used the only green things they could find, a wreath and garland. they decorated it with christmas poo.

thank jeebus those two things were outside decorations because i just took them out and hosed the hell out of them. i'm almost afraid to go home today.

car jinx; deer murderers and falling asleep

i think i was jinxed when i read justsomethoughts' post about car woes.

day before yesterday the hubs is driving down the road (it's pouring rain) and has a blow out. while he's on the side of the road changing the tire (in the rain) the state road patrol, those ever helpful (NOT) souls, stopped to...uh...help him. what would have taken the hubs about 15 minutes ended up taking about 30 (in the rain, did i mention dude does not like to get his feet wet?) because tweedle dee and tweedle dum are trying to "help."

despite the attempted help he gets the tire changed and takes it to the tire place but alas, the hole is too big to patch/plug or otherwise save. this means we need two new tires (cos there's some rule that you can't just buy one tire or something. i don't know. it's car stuff. i just don't know.)

yesterday i also noticed that..uh...my inspection sticker ran out. in november. nice. and of course i'm elebenty billion miles over due for an oil change. so the hubs, knowing that i do not like to deal w/ car stuff and me, knowing that this is one of the things he does to take care of me : ) took my car for it's necessary stuff.

it failed the inspection. something about an exhaust leak. the hubs took it to a dealership. they would like us to hand over about $400 to replace the whole thing. no thanks. he went to a local exhaust, good-ole-boy shop. and walked out only $80 poorer w/ just the screwed up part replaced not the entire damn thing.

******
last night on the news there was this story about a local woman (well, she lives in a nearby county) who rescued a baby deer in her driveway a few months ago. it looked like the woman and her family lived in bfe, had land, maybe some horses, some fenced pasture, etc. she took the deer in, nursed it's wounds, fed it, took care of it and it became a pet. that she's had for a few months now. animal control found out about it and came and took her deer. did they set it free? no, too risky because it had been tamed. did they take it to a petting zoo or the local zoo or that place we went last fall that takes in rehabilitation animals that no place else will take? no. they killed it! they took the pet out of the woman's house and killed it. didn't even attempt to do anything else w/ it. fuckers.

*******
and finally this--cute things falling asleep---i totally cannot believe there's not a video of me on here. of course i have the super power of being able to fall asleep....zzzz....oh, sorry, in mid-sentence and it might be too fast to catch on tape.

one more before i try to let this go

thanks for listening to that hellacious vent about my sister. i don't know why but i always feel compelled to explain a few things because a corner of my mind always, always feels guilty about just about any relationship i have.

my sister and i have never really been close, i think a lot of that comes from the 12 year age difference. when she was a baby/toddler i doted on her. beat my brother up for messing w/ her, pretended she was mine, etc. when i graduated high school and went off to college that was pretty much the last time i lived w/ her for any length of time so i missed a lot of her daily life, and the camaraderie that develops from growing up w/ someone and sharing family memories, after she was a toddler.

though the hubs and i were living here when she was in high school we didn't hang out much. we were newly married, working, had our own lives and she was in high school. at the time i wasn't aware of all the things she was in to (the hubs found out later about this because she's always talked to him more so than me---and lots of times she's talked to him about inappropriate things. like the time, just a few years ago (when any sensible person would have KNOWN better) she told the hubs she had shaved (yes, down there) and what did he think of that and did i do that? the hubs, knowing instantly how i would react, said she should ask me. after i blew up at her i wrestled her to the ground in my parents' front yard. yes, i was a grown, adult, mother at the time.) she was two when the hubs and i started dating so, despite the fact that we have a brother i think she sort of looks to the hubs as a brother, but one that at different points in her life, she's had a crush on.

i think her downward spiral started around the end of high school. she was dating a boy, thought she was pregnant; tried to commit suicide by oding on antibiotics while my mom was out of town and my dad was in the den (she called the hubs and i from the bedroom to come and get her). it was just always something. manipulation, lies, etc.

when the kids starting coming along my frustration and fury came (and apparently remains) NOT because they are bi-racial or even that they all have different fathers, but that she has never, ever put them first. she wanted to abort my niece, which would totally have been w/in her rights, but at the time i was pregnant w/ the boy and i just could not handle that thought.

my frustration comes from the not understanding, as a mother, how you put your wants, your needs before your kids. your happiness means more than their well being. i cannot fathom that. having NO plan, no concept of where you're going, not for you but for your kids, i don't get that.

and, sadly, i don't feel like a good aunt to her children. i am not close to my sister so i am not close to her children. part of this was out of self preservation. before two years ago when she settled down i really didn't want to get too close because i never knew what was coming; if she'd up and leave the country or their father's would come back for them or god forbid she did something to them. i just couldn't attach and i couldn't let my kids be around the chaos that was her life. we don't visit like we do w/ my bro's family. i don't want that relationship w/ her. i love her children. my nephew is incredibly cute and all boy and he tickles me to death. my niece, god love her, but between my mom and my sister....she's an unpleasant child. she's clingy (TOTALLY understandable since she was bounced from place to place as a baby/toddler) and whiny and, much like my sister, has to be the center of attention. and. she is my mother's favorite grandchild. part of me gets that, gets the fact that my niece spent most of her young formative years living w/ my parents and my mom bonded to her and has been her advocate, champion, savior whatever because of that. but a tiny part of me gets pissed at my mom for that because while she never thought twice about removing (or threatening to remove) my niece from harmful situations, she never once did that for her own children.

and the guilt also comes from the fact that i GET it, i GET that my sister is bi-polar. i get that our parents would not win any awards for good parenting, though by the time she was growing up they were different than they were when my brother and i were young. they didn't drink they way they used to (though my dad still drinks, it's nothing like it was when i was young). i understand that there are certain reasons that she has no control over that make her the way she is. but...the kids have to come first.

and i hope that i don't feel the need for another one of these posts for a long time because aside from this? my life rocks the casbah. seriously, i'm in a shiney happy place w/ things.

and then there were three

hole.e.crap. my sister is pregnant again. my long-time readers and irl peeps will understand why i am not jumping for joy over this. i would like to say i'm surprised, but i'm not. stunned, yes at the initial shock of it, but not surprised.

for my newer readers i will give you a brief (ok, it ended up being not so brief) history. my sister is 12 years younger than me, she'll be 29 this year. her oldest child will be nine this year. right up until the moment my niece was born my sister was unsure of who her father was and the only way she knew who the father was was because of the color of my niece's skin. she'd had one night stands with several guys. during that time and for years, years following that my sister bounced in and out of mental centers...not like an institution but the centers you go to before they officially declare you fucked up and lock you away against your will. at some point she was diagnosed as being bi-polar. once that happened she would go back and forth between taking her meds and not. when my niece was a baby and my sister basically wanted nothing to do w/ her the hubs and i offered to adopt her. this caused a huge, huge family row (and led to my brother and i not getting along for years--which has since been resolved obviously because we are very close to him and his family). my mom's main reason for being against our adopting my niece was....what would the FAMILY say? hmmm, maybe that it was what would have been best for the baby? anyway, we didn't adopt her and she and my sister lived with my parents. they paid for everything, much of the time my sister didn't work and she got welfare/medicaid, etc. she was drinking, doing drugs etc. and sometimes taking my niece places she had no business being. right before my niece was actually born she hooked up w/ another guy and that relationship lasted several months, she and the baby moved in w/ him then she bounced back home.

about six years ago she was still hanging out w/ the wrong crowd, still fucked up and met another guy. during that time my mom got fed up and kicked her out for a couple of months so she lived with this new guy. they decided that, even though he had a wife and kids back in mexico, that it would be a good idea to have a baby together. and so they did. neither of them had jobs, no future plans, he was married to someone else, but they thought it would be a good idea to have a baby! my nephew will be five next month. even before he was born his dad either got deported or fled or something, but regardless he disappeared. my sister was again living w/ my parents, again bouncing in and out of being fucked up and endangering the kids. at some point my parents took temporary custody of them. when my nephew was about a year old his dad came back around, gave the sis an STD and left again.

my niece and nephew do not know their fathers and i presume my sister has no contact w/ either of them. they do not have fathers listed on their birth certificates. what if they ever develop some medical condition that requires a family history????

a couple of years ago she got, and has held, a real job, and i think it's been about a year since she's had her own apartment. however, even w/ that she spent most of her time at my parents, and by that i don't mean just hanging out but living there. during that time she's been fiscally irresponsible, despite the fact that from day one she's always qualified for state aided day care and her kids are still on medicaid and my parents fed her and gave her money each month and clothed her kids and bought their christmas, etc. and my brother and i bailed her out once against our spouses better judgement. (THAT will never happen again).

this august she married a man whom she'd known for...oh, maybe a month. he is the brother-in-law i speak of that does.not.speak. i think he understands english but he does not speak. my sister insists that her kids call him daddy. they are living in a two bedroom apartment. he does side jobs, working on cars, construction, but does not have (to my knowledge) a full time job or benefits. she has known for awhile that her employer is gearing up for massive layoffs and her job might be in jeopardy.

when she called us w/ the news tonight i said congratulations. i asked about her job and insurance. and without missing a beat she said, oh it's ok because i can get medicaid if i get laid off.

i'm just stunned. she has taken on all of the trappings of being an adult but NONE--NONE of the responsibility. she complains that she doesn't have a house or a computer or this or that and we do. uh, yeah, and we've busted our asses and had our financial bad times and have been working at this for 16 fucking years. she has no plan for the future other than having babies. not how to support them herself (rather than assuming the government will do it) or how to possibly provide them w/ a future or anything. there is no thought put into it. she is pretending to be a grown up. i knew it was coming, i knew when she got married it would happen. also, because my SIL had a baby this year i knew my sister wouldn't be far behind.

up until about two years ago any time anything major happened (good or bad) and someone other than her was the focus of attention she'd do something fucked up. check into a hospital for a week or two of a mental breakdown; drive off the side of the road w/ her baby in the car and have to be rushed to the hospital on mother's day, etc.

so, yeah, i'm going to be an aunt again.