purging

oof i need to get all of this dark ugly snarky hateful shit out of my system before i lose my shit. me thinks it be pms (though i've always hated using that as an excuse for anything, it makes me feel like a whiny bitch, but honestly, sometimes i can't think of what else makes me this way unless i lean towards the idea that i might just be a little crazy).

the girl takes after me in this regard. she's either also a bitch or she's pmsing this week too. she started the week pissed because there was no snow delay on monday. we had a dusting, small, dusting, over night. she griped all morning before she got on the bus, said the school board must live in georgia or somewhere and how could they force them to go to school. after school she was still pissed and added the fact that a boy she likes is dating someone else. ah...that's the real issue i think. she's had attitude all week. when she's happy...omg...she's as sweet as can be. when she's pissed....she's a bitch on wheels. i have to admit....she's more like me than we both care to admit.

it is coming down to the unemployment wire. i think that's contributing to the mood. i had to go down to the unemployment office yesterday...always a cheerful place let me assure you. i have 18 weeks left. then...nothing. no more tiers. no more money. nada. it's not like this is any surprise, but it still hit me like a ton of bricks and there is a certain amount of panic that is now simmering closer to the surface.

i also had to get my oil changed and car inspected. i sat there on pins and needles the whole time sure they were going to tell me my car needed elebenty billion dollars worth of work in order to pass inspection. my air bag light has been on forever, but really there is nothing else wrong w/ the car. nope, nothing wrong, it passed inspection. driving home i saw smoke in the sky. for a fleeting moment i thought my house was on fire and the four animals were toast. i have this thought more often than i care to admit since the house across the street had the fire.

my fil always sends us money for christmas. in years past we've divided it among the four of us; or we've bought the kids gifts w/ the money from him; or we've bought one big family gift. this year the hubs was more anxious about what will be done w/ the money. he thinks it might be his dad's last christmas i think. we haven't seen him in awhile. i think these things are playing on his mind, though he hasn't come right out and said it in so many words.

i read the book push. i only had a vague idea of what it was about before i started reading it. it's a powerful book. it is horrific and graphic. it is a book you may not want to read, but once you start...you just can't imagine. last night at the boy's karate class was the first time i talked to anyone about the book---the karate master's wife. she'd read it quite awhile ago and said it had the same impact on her. we both almost cried talking about it, but not really talking about it. i said i didn't know if i could watch the movie, precious, which is based on the book. she said the movie isn't as graphic, obviously, and it's not as harsh. i still don't know if i can watch it. i watched slumdog millionaire and it stuck with me. just like reading the kite runner stuck w/ me (i haven't seen the movie yet). all of these are dark. i also read another book this week, the weight of silence; it was about missing kids and an abusive father.

these books all have abuse running through them, in one way or another; verbal, physical, sexual. sometimes i wonder if i subconsciously am drawn to these books because if i read enough of them i will find some secret to dealing with it? hmmm...don't know.

the kids do have a snow day today---icy out there, though no snow. maybe we will do some baking or something. i need a shot of goodness. (although there is SOME goodness, my sil got a job today! i'm happy and excited for her....but really wish i had on too!)