it's been a long time

i feel like i have five hours worth of stuff to share with you but frankly it would probably bore you to death.

we had a pretty great christmas. the families came over here christmas eve day. my parents went overboard with the gifts to the grandkids. my surprise went over ok, i think i was more excited about it than anyone else to be honest. but that's ok...the excitement of it lifted me through the day. i got a plain white coffee cup and some sharpies and wrote up this little thing about the cup being full of good wishes, etc. the owner of the cup keeps it and uses it for a year, signs their name and the year on the cup and next year has to pass it along. i wrapped a ton of boxes inside each other and each grown up took turns unwrapping until they got to the end---and that person got the cup. it was my brother-in-law. the one who never, ever fucking speaks. ok, so it's christmas, be nice. the hubs says he doesn't speak because he doesn't like any of us.

now that both kids admit to not believing in santa the "magic" of christmas is gone, if you will. yes, i know the reason for the season, but there's a special sparkle around when people believe in santa. it wasn't here this year. the girl got the boy up at midnight (after we'd gone to bed) and they stayed up until 5:30 am when they woke us up. all of that time they spent together without fighting or arguing. i woke up twice, once i thought the boy was sleeptalking (which he does) and i listened for a few minutes and went back to sleep; at 3am i got up and stood at my bedroom door, wondering what my kids were doing, but they were being quite and not arguing so i went back to bed. that is probably the last time since that day that they have spent more than an hour not arguing.

we got a white christmas and it's still here. so pretty. christmas day we stayed in our pjs all day and because of the snow we didn't go to my mom's for dinner. we had no dinner plans so it was whatever you could find for dinner. i'll have to work on that for next year. i never really plan anything for dinner on christmas day.

the next day we played outside, built a snowman, went sledding...the hubs shoveled the long assed driveway. all in all (aside from the shoveling) it was good.

the kids are off all this week so my challenge will be entertaining them. today we're going to the movies w/ my sil and the kids. yogi bear. i can't say as i've been dying to see this movie.

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i have been having the loopiest dreams this week. i only remember bits and pieces. i dreamt that the girl went off to college (right now, at almost 14 yrs old) in europe because she couldn't wait to get away from me. at the very moment she told me (she was riding by me on a scooter with her friend) i was looking for my purse because it had all of our money in the whole world in it.

i also dreamt that the hubs and i worked for the same company. a huge, huge company. like microsoft size or something. i went into work after christmas vacation and had to wash some dishes in one of the executive's kitchens. i was in there, chatting with my friends and adam from mythbusters was taking a shower. he got out, got dressed and then started hitting on me. my nephew was sitting at the kids' table in the corner. so freaking weird.

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about a week ago my former publisher, ditto, called me. for those of you who've been reading awhile, i've mentioned her before. she is a self-centered, arrogant, troubled woman who talks about herself nonstop and thinks she's all that and a bag of chips. she got laid off the same day i did. she had a consulting gig for awhile, but got fired from that, but of course her side of the story was that the company is doing poorly and couldn't afford her, blah blah blah. she had sent me a message via a social media around thanksgiving asking if i could help her w/ her resume. i said i never received it. she said that was ok because since hers is an "executive" level resume i probably couldn't have written it anyway, since it wasn't a normal resume like mine. then she told me of this new gig she has and how her client (she's consulting for another manufacturer now) needs a blogger. she bragged about how much financial backing the company has and what great product, yada yada yada. she told me to send her a proposal for what i'd charge to blog. so i did. of course she has to present it like she could have offered this deal to any number of people but she wanted to help ME out. she's just doing this for ME. i sent her a proposal. she came back and said how the client doesn't have that much money and could i do it for less...and that she might have another blogging gig (i highly, highly doubt it) where she could get me the higher amount. i came off my price a smidge (i still don't think she'll go for it). we'll see. frankly, i don't want to work with her being the middleman on anything. i don't trust her at all and i certainly do not want to have to speak to her on any sort of regular basis.

a little less grinchee

despite the fact that my children do not share in my joy of christmas movies, i have managed to watch some this year.

i love the classics---miracle on 34th street (w/ natalie wood playing little susan), i watched it the other night. my favorite (which i haven't watched yet) is it's a wonderful life. i love love love this damn movie. and you know what? it wasn't even meant to be a christmas movie necessarily. i love all the bass & rankin shows from my childhood, rudolph, santa claus is coming to town, the year without a santa claus. and of course frosty. the hubs' favorite (and one we watch every year w/out fail) is the little drummer boy. i have a copy of jim henson's emmitt otter's jug band christmas--does anyone remember that one? it's never on any more. it's a gift of the magi theme...so good. we did watch the original christmas carol...the first ones always seem to be the best.

our more recent faves are the tim allen santa clause movies....they're all pretty good. and of course elf. seriously one of my new faves. and a christmas story (though i swear i didn't know that was made in 1983, i thought for sure it was older) and christmas vacation (these two are tied for my brother's faves i do believe).

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christmas eve everyone (my folks, sis and her family, bro and his family) usually come to our house. we've done it for several years and my kids count that as tradition. they were almost aghast when my mom suggested having it at her house this year. everyone will be here around 2 pm on christmas eve (accommodating work schedules and people who need to get home to play santa). i have surprises in store (which is one of the reasons i'm feeling a little better i think...i'm excited) which i will share w/ you after christmas as i know my sil reads this : )

grinchee

that's how i'm feeling. five days until christmas and i'm so not in the mood. i've been trying. really i have. we've decorated. i've finished shopping and mostly finished wrapping. and yet....here i sit, wondering when i'm going to get that inner peace/glow/burst of happiness.

the kids are off from school from now until the first of the year.

i am worried about money. i am worried about finding a job. i am really worried about that.

i am tired of hearing people say, everything happens for a reason. the right job will find you. really? 19 months is a fucking long time to wait. i send out resumes. i scour the ads and the internet.

yesterday we were watching an episode of mythbusters (i love those guys) and they were testing this idea from a movie where people can hang on to the edge of a building's ledge indefinitely. first the ledge was 2" wide; they hung on for about a minute and a half. they gradually decreased the width until it was 1/2 an inch. they couldn't even hold on for a second. that is how i'm feeling right now. like the ledge keeps getting smaller and smaller and it's not a matter of if, but when i will start freefalling. and i don't have a safety harness on.

purging

oof i need to get all of this dark ugly snarky hateful shit out of my system before i lose my shit. me thinks it be pms (though i've always hated using that as an excuse for anything, it makes me feel like a whiny bitch, but honestly, sometimes i can't think of what else makes me this way unless i lean towards the idea that i might just be a little crazy).

the girl takes after me in this regard. she's either also a bitch or she's pmsing this week too. she started the week pissed because there was no snow delay on monday. we had a dusting, small, dusting, over night. she griped all morning before she got on the bus, said the school board must live in georgia or somewhere and how could they force them to go to school. after school she was still pissed and added the fact that a boy she likes is dating someone else. ah...that's the real issue i think. she's had attitude all week. when she's happy...omg...she's as sweet as can be. when she's pissed....she's a bitch on wheels. i have to admit....she's more like me than we both care to admit.

it is coming down to the unemployment wire. i think that's contributing to the mood. i had to go down to the unemployment office yesterday...always a cheerful place let me assure you. i have 18 weeks left. then...nothing. no more tiers. no more money. nada. it's not like this is any surprise, but it still hit me like a ton of bricks and there is a certain amount of panic that is now simmering closer to the surface.

i also had to get my oil changed and car inspected. i sat there on pins and needles the whole time sure they were going to tell me my car needed elebenty billion dollars worth of work in order to pass inspection. my air bag light has been on forever, but really there is nothing else wrong w/ the car. nope, nothing wrong, it passed inspection. driving home i saw smoke in the sky. for a fleeting moment i thought my house was on fire and the four animals were toast. i have this thought more often than i care to admit since the house across the street had the fire.

my fil always sends us money for christmas. in years past we've divided it among the four of us; or we've bought the kids gifts w/ the money from him; or we've bought one big family gift. this year the hubs was more anxious about what will be done w/ the money. he thinks it might be his dad's last christmas i think. we haven't seen him in awhile. i think these things are playing on his mind, though he hasn't come right out and said it in so many words.

i read the book push. i only had a vague idea of what it was about before i started reading it. it's a powerful book. it is horrific and graphic. it is a book you may not want to read, but once you start...you just can't imagine. last night at the boy's karate class was the first time i talked to anyone about the book---the karate master's wife. she'd read it quite awhile ago and said it had the same impact on her. we both almost cried talking about it, but not really talking about it. i said i didn't know if i could watch the movie, precious, which is based on the book. she said the movie isn't as graphic, obviously, and it's not as harsh. i still don't know if i can watch it. i watched slumdog millionaire and it stuck with me. just like reading the kite runner stuck w/ me (i haven't seen the movie yet). all of these are dark. i also read another book this week, the weight of silence; it was about missing kids and an abusive father.

these books all have abuse running through them, in one way or another; verbal, physical, sexual. sometimes i wonder if i subconsciously am drawn to these books because if i read enough of them i will find some secret to dealing with it? hmmm...don't know.

the kids do have a snow day today---icy out there, though no snow. maybe we will do some baking or something. i need a shot of goodness. (although there is SOME goodness, my sil got a job today! i'm happy and excited for her....but really wish i had on too!)

surprise, surprise, surprise

tonight was filled with lots of surprises. we had to go to a dinner/party for the hubs' work. i think we were both sort of dreading it. i've talked before about his work...the company he works for basically blows. last year we missed the shindig because it was the same night as our own christmas party. we hadn't been to a work event in a few years.

the first surprise...we left the kids home alone. they've been home alone for about an hour at the most, during the day. this was their first evening alone. they did great. we were gone for probably 5-6 hours. we called them three times; the boy called us about four. i felt kinda bad because the girl had actually been home sick today (i took her to the dr...no strep, probably just a virus..she's on antibiotics; no fever, no coughing, just sore throat). the boy's loose tooth came out while we were gone. i think, for the most part, the boy stayed in the living room and the girl stayed in the den.

the second surprise...remember when i said my sil inadvertently found the boss's wife's blog? i said her blog was douchy? yeah...well, the blog is still too syrupy sweet for me...but the lucky sperm boy's wife? she's actually kinda cool. somehow we've never met. she cut loose at the dinner (did i mention martinis were flying? drinks were abundant?)...her husband (the hubs' boss, was a stick in the mud the whole time) but girlfriend was fun. she was friendly and funny...and she and one of one of the guys from the office actually did cartwheels in the parking lot after the dinner. in heels. well, she was in heels, not the guy. though, if they were his size he totally would have worn them. i was pleasantly surprised at how normal she was.

the evening itself was nice. it was good to get out and be w/ the hubs...just us, out among adults. i can't remember the last time that happened. we started the evening at the big boss's house. that part was kind of uncomfortable. it was six couples in all and aside from lucky sperm boy and his cool wife (who are younger) everyone else was much older than us. once we got to the restaurant for dinner it got better. the alcohol was flowing, the food was great, and our end of the table was having fun.

the third surprise...magic bullets don't actually work. or maybe mine doesn't work.

ramblings

we still have spots of snow in the yard, mostly because it's been too cold to fully melt everything. the hubs said his grandpa used to say, "when snow lingers it's waiting on company." i thought that was pretty cool. god knows it's been frigid here.

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despite all of the good qualities my kids have, they are bizarre. both of them. it is fucking cold outside, like in the teens in the mornings, 30s in the day, and they will not wear long sleeve shirts. when i tell them to at least for the love of pete put a coat on, they put on a jacket or a hoodie. really? i am a bundler. big thick socks, a t-shirt and sweatshirt or some other long sleeve, cozy warm shirt. give me layers. i like being toasty. my kids? not so much. i bet teachers think i'm quite the parent...sending my kids to school dressed the way they are. sheesh.

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i don't know if it's really ok to say this yet, but, i can't help it. my friend texas is coming to visit us! she and her family are coming in february! i simply cannot believe it. last night the boy said, "that's a really good friend that would come that far to see you." and he's absolutely right.

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busy busy busy---that's what we're heading into. tomorrow night is the hubs' company christmas shindig. drinks at the head honcho's house and then dinner. we missed it last year because it was on the same night as our christmas party (which we aren't having this year). we are obligated to go. blech. next weekend we're going to a friend's christmas party though, and i am looking forward to that one.

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saturday we are baking at my house. my sil and kids, sister and kids and my mom are all coming here to bake christmas cookies. we're all trying to think of something different to make--we'll be doing sugar cookies, snickerdoodles, chocolate chip, russian tea cookies (or i've also heard them called wedding cake cookies i think)--have any other suggestions? what cookies do you bake for the holidays?

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a blow to the ego II

i literally laughed out loud at annabelle's post today, go on, read it. i'll wait.

back? ok. so let's talk oral sex shall we. (i can just imagine my sil's face turning 500 shades of red right now, and a few of my other friends are shaking their heads.)

the hubs and i have been together for elebenty billion years, and married for 18 of them. though he did not tell me at the time, he has since told me that when we first began our sexual relationship i was not so good at giving blow jobs. honestly i didn't understand the concept. i mean BLOW jobs? hello, you don't blow on them. what a stupid name. they should be called suck jobs. back then, when we were dating, i gave them, very grudgingly. i was a goodie-two-shoes and doing THAT was just, wrong.

once we got married, i still gave them grudgingly, but my skills became a tad bit better. at least i wasn't scraping anything with my teeth anymore. i did not swallow. and when i say i did it grudgingly that also means very, very rarely. like once a year. the poor hubs, who is all about some oral and is quite the giver, stuck with me anyway.

fast forward about a decade later and he is quite pleased with my learning curve. i give good head. i swallow. i'm quite sure i don't do it as often as he'd like, but it's quality, not quantity. i think most guys would love to get a blow job every day, but, ya know, it just ain't happenin'.

i have always wondered why swallowing is so important. oddly enough, i have a huge gag reflex. bushing my teeth/tongue, i almost always gag. and yet, i'm able to give good head.

i know there are some women who really don't get into it and don't do it at all. i also know there are women who love it (ok, the hubs has told me this, i don't think i've actually ever had anyone tell me they love doing this).

so...despite being unemployed and having someone else get a job i used to have...i can at least be proud of the fact that i am good at giving head. a marketable skill i'm sure i'll never cash in on.

a blow to the ego

today i learned that the publication i worked for, the one that laid me off, has not only hired a person to take my job...they hired the person who had the job before i did. and the position no longer reports to the person i reported to (which was never a good idea anyway) but rather to the big boss himself.

i found out about five minutes ago via fb and then i read the article about it. my emotions are all over the fucking place. of course my first thought is...if they are renewing their commitment to the pub and they're going to have a dedicated person in that role why the hell didn't they hire me back? my second thought is...i think even though i desperately need a job i'm not sure i could comfortably go back there to work. third...they hired her? they were pissed at her and pretty much forced her out and then talked trash about her when she was gone. was i really THAT horrible compared to her? i have mulled this over w/ the hubs and a friend or two...not this particular thing but my being snubbed by them in general...and honestly the only thing i can think of is that the queen of evil (haven't seen THAT name here in years) didn't like me. but, i never got the impression she liked this person either, so that still stumps me.

of course this is a serious blow to the ego. huge. it's bad enough companies that don't know my skills and value aren't hiring me, but now a company that does know me didn't hire me. that will stick in my craw for a long time i can tell you right now.

humbug indeed

not for me, not today thank you.

we got our first snow of the season today, much more than they were forecasting. i can't begin to tell you how my heart leaps with joy when it snows. the hubs hates it as much as i love it, but snow makes me giddy inside. truly giddy. i called my brother to exlaim it was snowing...like he didn't know (we live in the same area). i texted my friend texas to tell her...even though i so do not text. of course it is about 70 degrees where she is.

the girl and i were out running errands when it started. squeee!!!

once everyone got home, the kids played in it for awhile; then the girl helped me with the christmas cards for a bit. we even watched the original (w/ george c. scott) christmas carol. ah...we might have to have hot chocolate later.

sizing it up

let's talk bathrooms shall we? one of my guilty pleasures is watching hgtv and the house hunting shows. these shows allow me to dream and envision things i may or may not ever have...kind of like dreaming of winning the lottery.

i am fascinated by the whole focus on bathrooms. when, and why, did they become such a huge selling point? nearly every home show i watch the buyer complains that the bathroom isn't big enough. really? do you plan on having a party in there? how many people will actually be in that room at the same time, ever? two? maybe? and while i understand the appeal of having a bathroom in the master bedroom, does every bedroom really need it's own bathroom?

we have a built-in-the-70s-ranch house and it has two bathrooms. they are not huge by any means, but they're adequate. the mobile home we lived in before this house had a huge master bath--garden tub, double sinks, separate shower and enough floor space for two people to comfortably lie on. the draw back was that it was carpeted, which is just wrong in a bathroom.

my maternal grandparents' house was old, 50s? 60s? and though it had two baths, they were closets. the master bath was just a toilet and sink and you could sit on the toilet and touch all four walls. their "big" bathroom was a little larger, w/ a tub/shower but you could still sit on the toilet and have your knees almost touch the vanity.

i'm not saying that if i won the lottery i wouldn't update our bathrooms--take out the linoleum, tile everything and replace the fixtures--but i wouldn't knock out a wall or try to expand them. i don't spend that much time in there.

am i missing something here? are spacious, over the top bathrooms the new in thing?

randomosity

i met w/ a guidance counselor at the girl's middle school this morning to talk about high school options. there are more than i realized. i took copious notes. i will be attending a magnet fair in january to get even more information. our goal? for her to have a better high school experience than she's had in middle school. i don't want her feeling like the biggest nerd in school all through high school. i realize some of the last three years have been the result of hormonal changes and everyday normal middle school girl drama, but i also cannot stand to have her suffer being an outcast for the next four years. i want to find a school where she feels good, where she fits in (mostly) and that challenges her academically. the guidance counselor met w/ me for almost two hours. he made phone calls. he was incredibly helpful and nice. you know what i'm going to say next don't you? he's gay. i don't give a rat's ass about that, but i find it interesting because any middle or high school guidance counselor that i've known that is a guy is gay. i know, it's a generalization, but i find it interesting nonetheless.

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i stopped to get gas on the way home and low and behold there was a woman pumping gas that i worked w/, briefly, 13 years ago. i said, hello, aren't you so and so? she looked at me like i had two heads. uh, yes. didn't you work at xyz? uh, no. i worked at abc. i looked closer at her (even w/ my eye issues i know i can see for god's sake). aren't you so and so and you worked at xyz on such and such street and sally and steve also worked with us? a glimmer of recognition started to ignite. i said, you know, the company made this stupid bullshit. oh! yes....she remembered the actual name of the company and not the initials i called it by. the light bulb went off. she remembered me. we chatted briefly, in the cold, at the gas pump. she's been unemployed as long as i have. she is as downtrodden and exasperated as i am. she consoles herself w/ the fact her husband still works, her "babies" are now 26 and gainfully employed and that there are people who need a job worse than she does. she is about 10 years older than me. lives right around the corner from the gas station, nearly around the corner from me, give or take a mile. it's a small, economically depressed world.

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this week i have been battling the unemployment funk and the wondering-what-the-hell comes next funk. yesterday i was working on a freelance project (thank god for freelance). i am fact checking articles for different publications. this particular article is on trust funds and a specific one that benefits organ transplants. i had to talk to a mom who's kindergartner just had a liver transplant in september. her baby had a rare genetic disease that caused liver problems. she has two younger children who also have the same thing who also will need liver transplants. when i think of that woman i realize i don't have a whole helluva lot to bitch about in the grand scheme of things.