open windows

(not my window)

i shut off the air and opened the windows for the first time this FALL. did i tell you i love fall? yes, well, i do.

lots of things have been running through my brain lately...another opening of windows i guess you'd say.


as some of you may know i am not very close to my sister. there are myriad reasons, most of which are because of her life choices in the past and all of the heartache it brought. i love her and i suppose you could say we are on good terms. i am not hateful or mean to her. i just don't call her up and say hey, lets get together. we are not close. a couple of weeks ago when the family was over here for the hubs' bday the siblings sat around talking after my parents left.


i think for the first time in her life my sister is seeing my mom in a light my brother and i have seen her in for a long time. she is manipulative and controlling and selfish. granted, she has more than stepped in a million times to clean up all of my sister's messes. it would be safe to say that w/out my mom, who knows where my sister and her children would be. however, since getting married and increasing her family (my newest nephew was born yesterday! 9/9/09. he's a whopping 10lbs 1oz and loads and loads of black hair) she is trying to put some distance between herself and my mom and my mom is fighting it tooth and nail.


i don't know what this means really. it doesn't change how much i like my sister. but, after our sibling talk i do think that some of these tangled issues i thought were because of her were actually more because of my mom. big surprise there.


another open window--i have a job interview tomorrow. i don't even really know what the job is for, just that this company that i'm familiar with is looking for someone with my skill set. i am not going to get my hopes up. it could be for nothing. maybe the pay is minuscule. maybe the travel is too much. maybe the job is stupid. we'll see tomorrow.


i also have been thinking about my relationship with my parents lately. for several years i have had a cordial relationship w/ them. i wrote a post over the weekend and chickened out and deleted it, though a couple of you saw it, which is totally fine, i guess i just am trying to figure out what it is i really want to say.


the hubs and i have talked recently about our parents and how we deal with them--mostly this involves him keeping his mouth shut about things his dad does and taking ambiguous pop shots at my folks that go right over their heads. i deal with it by not saying much at all and distancing myself as much as possible. however, the hubs talked to his dad a few days ago and mentioned that he should not take his silence as an acceptance of everything that's happened.


i've always told the hubs not to rock the boat w/ his dad because if worse came to worse he'd regret things he said and regret the lack of any relationship if it came to that. (i'm soooo fucking passive aggressive it's not even funny. stick your head in the sand, it's much easier that way--but then, at some point, i think you start choking on the sand and die.) the hub's thoughts are if your relationships aren't great now and keeping silent is eating you up inside, why not let it out, speak your mind and see what happens. it's not like you have a lot to lose right? so, i've been turning that over in my head too. forgiveness, openness, exposure. these are things that have been tumbling around in my head.