a tale of two titties

scene: last wednesday

i am drifting through the house cleaning, wondering if we really will be able to stretch the money out another month and wondering how the fuck it can be possible that despite the fact that i haven't worked in two years that we OWE on our taxes, and wondering why companies are taking so fucking long to hire people, when the phone rings.

me: hello? (i can see from caller id that it is my friend big t and not a medical bill collector)

big t: hey! how are you?

i have come to think of big t as my guardian angel on earth in many ways. we don't talk every week or see each other all that often, but she has been a blessing in my life since day one. she too is unemployed and so we commiserated on the state of the economy for awhile. both of our call waitings went off a few times so we got off the phone.

i listen to my voicemail.

voicemail: hello, this is the breast clinic, we need you to call us.

me: (thinking) odd, wonder why they didn't just send me a paper telling me everything was fine.

i call back.

breast clinic: yes mrs. ck, you had a mammogram last week and the doctors want you to come in for another one and an ultrasound. because you have fucked up insurance we can't do both procedures on the same day though.

me: wait what? they want me to come back in because they images were bad or something?

breast clinic: (very gently) no ma'am. you have a nodule on your left breasticle and the doctors want more images of it because it wasn't there before.

me: (in my head) omfg i am going to die. i'm going to die. (i tend to hyperbole.) i have always been the healthy one and the hubs has all of the medical issues and i am going to fucking die first. i don't even have a history of breast cancer. i didn't even feel a fucking lump. wtf?

me: (out loud) ok. (breathing) ok. when can i make the appointment. friday? good. thank you.

i'm sobbing, close to hyperventilating. this cannot be happening to me. it is a wednesday. i am unemployed. we are about to go under. my daughter is on a school field trip in dc having a good time and my boy is at school, missing his sister this week. this cannot be happening to me.

i call the hubs, selfishly disregarding the fact that he could be in the middle of a meeting or in one of his stores or that he's at work for fuck's sake.

me: (sobbing, probably garbled and unclear) ihadamammogramlastweekandtheywantmetocomebackforanotherbecausetheyfoundalump. (i'm pretty sure that's exactly how it came out).

the hubs: what?!

me: they found a lump. i have to have another mammogram and an ultrasound.

the hubs: ok, it's ok. hey, it's going to be ok. i'll be home in a little bit.

i called big t back, or she called me (i can't remember which).

she picked up a thread of a conversation we'd been having earlier.

me: (interrupting her mid-sentence) i have to go in for a second mammogram, they found a lump. (then i started crying again.)

big t: when? i'll come with you.

the next two days actually took about 674 million years because that's how time flies when you are waiting on something like a second mammogram or test results or the like.

i spend the next two days feeling myself up. i still can't feel anything. the hubs spends the next two days researching breast cancer. he tells me that most likely they will tell me it's a cyst or something non-cancerous. worst worst case scenario will not be death like i am assuming because if it is something they've caught it early. most likely it would be a lumpectomy or removal and radiation/chemo. he is strong. he comforts me and reassures me. i know though that he is scared to death too.

big t not only goes to the appt. w/ me but insists on driving me because she's sure when they tell me it's just a cyst i will be too emotional to drive. the hubs has to be around for the boy when he gets home from school and to take him to karate and the girl is due back from her dc field trip that evening. (turns out she didn't get home till 8 pm). the hubs is all kind of sideways that he can't take me to the appt. it's because of our damn astute kids. if someone else was picking them up like that they would know something was up.

friday comes. i get the boob squished. big t and i wait. and wait.

the nurse: there is a cyst or nodule in there, it's behind your nipple that's why you can't feel it. the doctor still wants the ultrasound next week to see exactly what kind of thing it is, but it doesn't look like cancer. it's not all big and scary looking.

i teared up a little bit: so it's not cancer?

the nurse: well, i'm not a doctor but no, i don't think so. after the ultrasound they might want to see you every six months to check on it, but it just looks like a cyst.

big t: see! i told you. you may now bow down to me and acknowledge my supremeness and say big t i will never doubt you again (i'm paraphrasing.)

i call the hubs and give him the good news. we all breathe a sigh of relief.

(i gave this the title a tale of two titties because the girl is reading a tale of two cities for school and for some reason it made sense to me)