taking deep breaths

i guess having an exit plan (ie losing the house and moving to oklahoma) makes me feel a bit better, even if it is not a plan we love. i do not feel as hopeless these last few days. maybe it's the fact that i have something more productive to do than cleaning house (ie freelancing). maybe it's the fact that the sun has been shining and things are growing and birds are chirping (and the grass needs cut in a bad way). maybe it's the fact that i turned the radio back on. in bouts of depression i am like a nazi prison guard with myself, although when it's happening i am not aware of it. when i am in a funk i deprive myself of music. it's so incredibly stupid really. but, prince is coming to town and i turned the radio on to try to win tickets (epic fail) because as much as i love the sexy purple one, tickets are not in the budget. so, the radio has been on most days and i am the better for it.

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the guys were out of town at a karate competition this weekend (the boy racked up....3 first places, a couple of seconds and thirds) so the girl and i played lots of cards and watched chick flicks. she also had a kick ass soccer game, which my parents attended. afterwards they took us to dinner.

during the game my mom proceded to air my sister's laundry and when she finished she just looked at me and said, i'm sure she wouldn't have wanted me to tell you all of that. ya don't say? and she wonders why i don't give her more details of my life. i'm still stewing over the fact that it took her two days to call me after i told her about my cancer scare. really? fucking really???? during dinner my dad made reference to the horrid t-shirt he was wearing. first, you should know, if mork from ork was a gay redneck, my dad would have his look nailed down. my dad wears w-i-d-e rainbow suspenders (all the fucking time) AND a belt. he wears them w/ t-shirts or polo shirts, he's not picky. and always a baseball hat. so we're sitting at dinner, the suspenders are across from me. he is wearing a t-shirt that is tye-dyed burnt orange and has a very bright, southwestern grapic on it. this is a shirt you'd find at a road side stand for $2 i'm quite sure. my dad made sure to tell me his sister sent it (and another) to him for his birthday. the birthday that was a week ago that i have not yet acknowledged. (neither has my brother.) the weekend that they were out of town and took two days to call me.

i should feel like a horrible daughter for not wishing him a happy birthday but...in all fairness i can't remember the last time he wished me happy birthday, even if i was in his face on my birthday. forget about calling me. also, i can't remember the last time i gave him a gift that he used or even took out of its packaging. so....what's the point?

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the interview i did on friday, with the lady who got the job that i so badly wanted, made me reazlie that i was not a good fit for that job. although i thought my passion for gardening and my stellar work history and writing abilities would be a perfect fit for the position, i now see that when working for a non-prof at that level it helps to be connected to people in the community. this woman was spouting details about supporters and people in the gardening community at large that i'm sure i would never know. i think she comes from a non-prof background as well, so there's that.