Wednesday, April 28, 2010

maybe it's me

someone in my family has this saying (perhaps it was my maw-maw (that's southern (although i don't consider myself southern) for grandma)) that goes: if you aren't getting along w/ one person, maybe it's that person's fault. if you aren't getting along w/ anyone, maybe it's your fault. i'm paraphrasing.

i have been ruminating about my relationships. my trifecta (hubs-boy-girl) could not be better. at least i don't think it could. we talk. we laugh. and aside from the fact that when i take a vicky in the evening because my shoulder is killing me and fall asleep i think i'm doing good on the wife/mom front. btw--the vickies are a temp thing. i'm not turning into rush limbaugh. although....he did have his own radio show.

but...i'm on the outs w/ my parents. i say we're divorced. i think it sounds cool. i divorced my parents.

being a recluse has put me on the outer rim of my friendships. i KNOW i need to get out of the house and i need to reach out and call people and make lunch plans, etc. but, what do i have to say? i am not working, i am not in the middle of a creative project, i do not have any freelance jobs...i have my family. and my gardening and yard work. and my frustrating job hunt. and my obsessive stalking of the mama bird and her babies. and i'm jealous of my friends. there, i've said it. some of my friends who also got laid off have gone back to work or are getting ready to go back to work. some have landed freelance jobs while i keep beating my head against the wall for nothing. they are taking trips and starting their new adventure and i am not.

it is not the specific trip or the specific adventure that i'm jealous over because honest to god i am happy doing what i'm doing. being a mom. being a homemaker. being home. i'd just like to be bringing in a big salary to do so. it's not even really the fact that i feel like an outsider among them because i have always known that i am not a good friend and that if i'm not willing to put forth the effort i can't really bitch about it. it is more that i'm ready for something to happen, to move forward...and so far nothing.

i have countless resumes out there. i have contacted everybody and their brother (weird saying huh?) about freelancing. mostly i hear nothing. sometimes i get a reject letter. sometimes i get, we're not moving forward w/ this for a few more weeks yet. there is one job in particular that i'm hoping for. it is in my little town, working for a non-profit. i have no non-profit experience but this job (and the fact that it's a non-profit) really, really appeals to me. i am trying not to get my hopes up (this is one of the ones that said it will be weeks before they start interviewing) because i have felt excited like this before and been let down.

i mentioned to the hubs that lady gaga is coming to our state in the fall and i think it would be cool for the four of us to go. the kids love her. he loves her. i love her. it would be their first concert. i said something about it and how we should think about getting tickets in the next few weeks. he said he'd hate to get tickets not knowing if we'd still be living here then.

what do i say to that?

through all of this i have always had hope. i still do. i have hope that i will find a job before it gets to the point that we need to sell the house and start looking at moving. is what i'm feeling REALLY hope and my gut instinct telling me it will work out or is is my inability to face facts and take the rose colored glasses off?


Astarte said...

Oh, hon. I don't think it's you. Your parents have been screwed up forever, and you're not on the outs with your friends, just not as in touch as you have been in the past. That's totally normal once you start staying home, too, unfortunately. The first year or so I stayed at home with my kids was the loneliest time of my life. I had nothing in common with my old friends except kids, and no way to make new ones. After awhile, I felt like I had lost my ability to have a real conversation, which I hear a lot of women talk about now that I actually have met other SAHMs. It's a rough time, and to have it forced on you rather than being something you chose must bring with it a whole pile of other sadness and resentment that I can only imagine. This is where you are right now - sometimes you're happy, and sometimes you're sad, and this is a hard time. Besides, I don't find your writing to be a downer, just real. And buy the freakin' tickets. Worse comes to worst, you can sell them for twice what they're worth later on, anyway.

cheatymoon said...

I agree that you should buy the tickets and have something to look forward to...

I think it's appropriate to be a hermit sometimes and be social at other times... Plus you're social online. You're not a complete recluse. (Because that would be me, ha).

Hang in there - a job will find you.

justsomethoughts... said...

i'll third that opinion
and with regard to it being "you", there are exceptions to evey rule.
remember that.

The Mayor said...

Hard year here too, and I definitely find myself in the avoid mode more than what is normal for me. When I'm feeling blah I just don't like to put on the happy face and pretend all is great.'
Still, there are people in my tribe who know the truth. We still go out and whoop it up.

Keep keeping on, moving forward, it will get better.

Kristin.... said...

Well Astarte said it all. :)

Staying at home is SO ISOLATING! I get out 3 times a week to take Drew to school and pick him up. Other than that, I am home with my kids. It's not easy and I've been home for 5 years. So I understand. Totally.

I know it's all going to work out. I would buy the tickets. I totally would.

Anonymous said...

Speaking as one of your friends, I could give a rat's ass about hearing about your latest project at work. (Not that I don't hope you find a job!) That's not who YOU are. It doesn't define you the way your opinions and dreams and thoughts do. You are so much more than a job! I know you would feel better about things if you were working, but your friends love you for you, not for what your occupation is. I would much rather hear about your trips with the kids, what you're reading, and what's growing in the garden. And I'm sure you'd rather hear from me about what's going on in my life outside of work. I can imagine you feel isolated and don't have the same conversations with some people that you used to have. So, you move on. If work was all you had to talk about, then they aren't really friends.

Love you!

Sweet T

Anonymous said...

I agree, why can't the job at home pay me to stay here? I feel like I'm on this fun vacation that is going to have a surprise crash ending. I am aware that it's going to end, but have chosen to ignore it. I don't want to start another career either. I can't imagine how I did all that before. So, live it up now and deal with what happens later! You are a fun person to hang out with and I'm sure if we are home this summer we can find lots of free stuff to do.

Not Your Aunt B said...

Astarte did say it all. I hope it's a hunch versus rose colored glasses and that you are all at the Lady Gaga concert.