someone in my family has this saying (perhaps it was my maw-maw (that's southern (although i don't consider myself southern) for grandma)) that goes: if you aren't getting along w/ one person, maybe it's that person's fault. if you aren't getting along w/ anyone, maybe it's your fault. i'm paraphrasing.
i have been ruminating about my relationships. my trifecta (hubs-boy-girl) could not be better. at least i don't think it could. we talk. we laugh. and aside from the fact that when i take a vicky in the evening because my shoulder is killing me and fall asleep i think i'm doing good on the wife/mom front. btw--the vickies are a temp thing. i'm not turning into rush limbaugh. although....he did have his own radio show.
but...i'm on the outs w/ my parents. i say we're divorced. i think it sounds cool. i divorced my parents.
being a recluse has put me on the outer rim of my friendships. i KNOW i need to get out of the house and i need to reach out and call people and make lunch plans, etc. but, what do i have to say? i am not working, i am not in the middle of a creative project, i do not have any freelance jobs...i have my family. and my gardening and yard work. and my frustrating job hunt. and my obsessive stalking of the mama bird and her babies. and i'm jealous of my friends. there, i've said it. some of my friends who also got laid off have gone back to work or are getting ready to go back to work. some have landed freelance jobs while i keep beating my head against the wall for nothing. they are taking trips and starting their new adventure and i am not.
it is not the specific trip or the specific adventure that i'm jealous over because honest to god i am happy doing what i'm doing. being a mom. being a homemaker. being home. i'd just like to be bringing in a big salary to do so. it's not even really the fact that i feel like an outsider among them because i have always known that i am not a good friend and that if i'm not willing to put forth the effort i can't really bitch about it. it is more that i'm ready for something to happen, to move forward...and so far nothing.
i have countless resumes out there. i have contacted everybody and their brother (weird saying huh?) about freelancing. mostly i hear nothing. sometimes i get a reject letter. sometimes i get, we're not moving forward w/ this for a few more weeks yet. there is one job in particular that i'm hoping for. it is in my little town, working for a non-profit. i have no non-profit experience but this job (and the fact that it's a non-profit) really, really appeals to me. i am trying not to get my hopes up (this is one of the ones that said it will be weeks before they start interviewing) because i have felt excited like this before and been let down.
i mentioned to the hubs that lady gaga is coming to our state in the fall and i think it would be cool for the four of us to go. the kids love her. he loves her. i love her. it would be their first concert. i said something about it and how we should think about getting tickets in the next few weeks. he said he'd hate to get tickets not knowing if we'd still be living here then.
what do i say to that?
through all of this i have always had hope. i still do. i have hope that i will find a job before it gets to the point that we need to sell the house and start looking at moving. is what i'm feeling REALLY hope and my gut instinct telling me it will work out or is is my inability to face facts and take the rose colored glasses off?