expectations--fail

this has been one of the most nerve racking, hair pulling weekends we've had in a long, long time. the faux baby the girl brought home for her life-skills class has been unbelievably hard. i honestly think the thing is broken. the girl has been stressed out, really stressed out. we've all lost sleep and are exhausted for the most part. it has inspired conversations though.

the girl has gotten so upset when she can't find the right key to meet the baby's needs. she's cried. she gets frustrated. she said it makes her feel like a failure. i explained that sometimes real parents feel that way too. having a baby is a hard job, but when it is your own it is worth it. you love it, you care for it, it's much different than a doll. she thanked me for getting up w/ it in the middle of the night.

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my parents. i don't even know where to start w/ this round of craziness. the hubs talked to my dad and explained why we wouldn't be partaking in their camper-fun-fest this summer. the hubs said my dad seemed to understand and said he'd explain it to my mom. the very next day my mom went home sick from work and cancelled our shopping on saturday. (she'd guilted me in to going shopping w/ her to pick out accessories for her new living room.) that same afternoon my dad drunk dialed my brother's house in the afternoon, knowing full well my brother was at work. i suppose he expected to reach my sil and instead he reached her mom, who was babysitting. did he politely leave a message? hell no. he talked my sil's mother's ear off about how my mom was home sick, it was probably stress related and she was upset and how if my bro/sil also weren't partaking in the camper-fun-fest they'd need to let my mom down easy because she was so upset. REALLY?

saturday i tried to call my mom, who was asleep each time i called. when i did finally reach her she said nothing about the "stress" or being upset but that she'd gone to the doctor that morning and they were going to do blood work tomorrow. my parents are so fucked up i don't even know what to think any more. today the hubs helped move some furniture for them, because he said he would before all of this stress/mess happened. he tried to get my mom to come clean and be honest about being upset, but of course she didn't. later she sent an email thanking him and telling him she was not upset w/ him/us for not going camping and of course she understood.

at this point i don't even know what the truth is with this whole situation, all i know is my dad shouldn't pick up the phone when he's drinking, my mom shouldn't build castles in the sky and then get stressed out when they come crumbling down and if she is using her health as a guilt tactic she needs to knock it the hell off.

i feel as if i'm coming to the point where i need to have a talk w/ her. so many times over the years the hubs has run interference for me, not because i've asked him to but because he'd rather be the bad guy than have me confront them and be the bad guy. i just don't know that i can keep quiet any longer. i just need everything out on the table because each time they pull this stupid shit like they did this weekend i feel worse and worse about them.

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platinum weddings. oh my holy hell. talk about expectation fail. we've been numbly watching these episodes for the last hour or two and it is insane. i keep thinking of all the girls growing up these days, girls watching these shows and thinking this is the norm. this is what weddings should be like. where in the hell do these people get their money? and why, oh why do they waste all of that money on ONE day of their lives? is it because i've been married so long that i am no longer wowed by the pomp and ceremony of a wedding? that i think spending a quarter of a million dollars on ONE day of your life is beyond ridiculous?

life skillz, not that fun akshully

for the last two weeks the girl has been looking forward to this weekend with anticipation because this is her weekend to bring home a baby doll as part of her life skills class. this is not just ANY baby doll. it is a life-like baby boy that cries at will. you can stop the crying (supposedly) by inserting one of the plastic keys into the baby's control box in its back. there's a key for diaper change, feeding, burping, attention and a panic key. the girl got home at 2:06pm (she opted not to stay after for extra credit orchestra practice because of the baby) and by 2:20pm she'd already put the panic key in. she called the school to ask the teacher some questions. she broke down in tears. i don't think we'll be leaving the house much this weekend.

about an hour into the weekend and i think she's decided having a baby isn't such a great idea after all. i can only imagine what it's going to be like when this thing cries in the middle of the night or early in the morning.

when i was in high school and had home and family living class, we had to carry an egg around for a week without breaking it. we had to bring it to school every day. not quite as sophisticated as this baby, but it was the same premise.

so, for this weekend i am a nana of sorts : ) ha

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in other parenting news, my mom has taken up permanent residence in fantasy land. i think i mentioned that they used part of the money they got when my grandma died (it will be a year in a couple of weeks) to buy a camper in wv. my mom has deluded herself into thinking this will be the THING that makes our family like the walton-like image she has in her mind. last weekend she told us her plan for this year and the camper (neglecting to tell us she'd not yet shared this grand scheme w/ my dad yet). she plans to go to the camper (4-5 hrs away) at least once a month once the season starts. she plans to take the grandsons one weekend and the granddaughters another. she wants all of us (my family, my bro's family and my sister's family) to spend july 4th up there--some in the camper some in rentals she'd pay for.

yesterday the hubs stopped by and chatted w/ my dad, telling him the myriad reasons this isn't going to work. one being that me, my sil and my sister are unemployed and if we get a job between now and then we won't have the time off. if we don't, we certainly won't have the money to be running up and down the highway. the hubs also pointed out that my parents don't have the relationship w/ my kids that would be required for us to let them go out of state w/ them for the weekend.

i feel sorry for my mom because i really think she thought this camper-dream of hers would turn our family into something it's not. we don't spend a lot of time w/ them now--when we live 20 minutes from each other, why would we all get together 5 hours from here? it also irritates me because how can she be so obtuse that she doesn't see that a camper isn't going to fix things? trying to force us together isn't going to fix things. things are what they are. i don't have ill will towards them right now, but neither do i want to spend any extra time w/ them. keeping them at arm's length works for me. the mom in me can see why she is hurt--she doesn't have good relationships w/ her kids/grandkids--and i would curl up and die if my kids felt this way about me. the child in me can't help not caring so much--this is what happens when you spend your life putting yourself first.

he's got swagger

i had a v-8 moment last night. an epiphany. that split second when something i've known unconsciously for years finally came barreling in to the front of my conscious. the hubs gets cocky after sex. i'll wait while those of you who know him quit laughing. GET cocky? um...yes, he is always cocky. oh, but wait. after sex he is like tarzan cocky. he is much more full of his witty (at least in his mind) comments. he has a gleam in his eye.

last night i mentioned this to him.

me: you are cocky after you get laid.

him: you mean w/ you or just in general. (then he laughs at his own joke)

me: see, see what i mean. you get laid and then you are all full of yourself for a day or two.

him: it's an age thing. i didn't always do that.

me: because you're getting old?

him: no because you're getting older and you don't give it up as often. in the old days i'd get it today and possibly tomorrow too. now you need more recovery time.

at this point i had my second epiphany of the night. our sex life has decreased over the last several months. do you know why? because the boy is taking karate. just about every week night (and i'm not exaggerating) the hubs takes the boy to karate. then he goes again on saturday around noon. these were prime sex times. we'd come home from a rough day of work and have a quickie before dinner or while dinner was cooking. or we'd have "dessert." karate has taken it's place.

him: it sucks when your kids interfere w/ your sex life.

does anyone swagger at your house?

toofer

i have been tagged by my friend gal friday for a meme : ) so, here ya go: i am too lazy to tag this morning, so if you read this and want to do it, please, help yourself.

two names you go by:
1. mom
2. pook (short for pookey) shut up!

two things you are wearing right now:
1. pink slippers
2. fuzzy robe w/ penguins on it

two things you did last night:
1. the hubs, kids and i went to see the lightening thief
2. ate a bowl of ice cream

two pets that you have or have had:
1. meow
2. jasper
(see post below for more thoughts on them)

two of your favorite things to do:
1. get lost in a good book
2. go to the beach w/ my family

two things you want to do very badly at the moment:
1. get a job
2. welcome spring

last two things you ate:
1. popcorn at the movies last night
2. ice cream

two people you last talked to:
1. the boy as i dropped him off at school minutes ago
2. the hubs as he was heading out the door for the day

two things you're doing tomorrow:
1. looking for a job
2. cleaning house

two of the longest trips taken:
1. flew from us to germany
2. drove from nc to oklahoma (that's a 22-24 hour drive in case you were wondering)

two favorite beverages:
1. sweet tea
2. coffee (w/ cream)

heavy petting

meow, lounging on our bed. yes, it might be true that i don't immediately make the bed if she is napping on it because i don't want to disturb her. i have been known to make the bed around her and then cover her w/ another blanket because she likes being cozy.

what is it that drives us to have pets? since becoming an "adult" i have always had a pet. my pet beagle became our dog when we got married and since then we have always had at least one animal. what is it that drives us to pet these animals? i admit, over the years i have become more of a cat person than a dog person (and i have a theory on that too).

after my cat died last year, the girl's cat started becoming my friend. i think part of it was out of necessity. the girl was giving most of her affections to the then new kitty on the block, jasper, and i was mourning the loss of my cat, and meow and i sort of ended up together. she sits with me every evening. sometimes she sleeps w/ me instead of the girl.

this is where you can find meow most evenings, curled up on my lap, usually w/ a blanket.

but when it comes right down to it, why do we PET them? i pet all the animals. i scratch behind their ears. i pick up the cats and cuddle them and yes, kiss them. i nuzzle them and hug them. is it for them? do i really think the cat is thinking, oh, yes, i needed that hug! do we do it for our own selfish reasons?

then there's jasper. but seriously, how can you look at this face (underneath the hat the girl crocheted for him. doesn't he look like he's from lapland or something? lol) and not want to smooch it or nuzzle it?

...even when he is being bad and sitting in the puzzle box.

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and here is my cat/dog theory and actually now that i'm writing it i think someone far more wiser has probably already suggested this. isn't this what the movie the truth about cats and dogs suggested? or maybe i'm hallucinating. anyway. i prefer cats to dogs. there i've said it. though at some point in life (years from now) i do want a small little dog, i think for the most part i prefer cats to dogs. cats are independent. they are strong willed. they do not generally pursue you so it's more of an accomplishment when you capture their love and affection. dogs are faithful and act like they're so glad to see you even if you've just been out of the room for five minutes. there is no challenge to winning their affection. the other night jasper came up, of his own free will, and sat on my lap for about 20 minutes. i almost peed my pants in delight because he has NEVER done this before.

i'm just waiting on a friend

actually, i'm waiting for spring. and a job. i hate waiting. i'm really not good at it.

it's hard not to feel like your life is on hold when you are unemployed. they days meld into one another, most are just like the one before. cleaning, vacuuming, job hunting online, a trip to the grocery store.

people w/ jobs envy all the "free time" i have, the stress less life. mmmm, try stressing out about money.

once i have the house cleaned and have applied for any job that i think i might possibly be qualified for i bounce between the computer, reading or puzzle working. i like these things, but feel i should be accomplishing something bigger.

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my sister called me yesterday morning to ask how long one has to clean their ears after getting their ears pierced. apparently my niece got hers pierced last week. i could tell by the tone and her conversation that she really wanted me to invite her over to hang out w/ us. when she called i had no idea what our plans for the day were (other than the boy's karate class). had it been my bro or sil i would immediately figured out what we were doing so it could include getting together w/ them. w/ my sister? not so much. i little part of me felt bad for not saying, hey, why don't you come over and hang out for awhile. but then we got caught up in our day and the next thing i knew it was 10pm. we went to karate, ran a couple of errands (we're looking for a new computer chair because ours is elebenty billion years old and becoming unsafe), had a late lunch of yummy mexican food, napped and the girl killed us, once again, in monopoly.

we have been invited to dinner at my parent's house today. the first question my kids always ask is if we'll be the only one's there. i'm assuming yes because my mom didn't mention anyone else. she's informed me we'll be having some form of take out because her house is still not back in order. they've had floors/carpeting redone and haven't put the house back together yet. she wants me to come and see all the updates so then i can get decorating ideas and go out shopping w/ her. this amuses me because my sister has asked for my decorating advice before too. really? i have no style. i have no decorating knowledge. i just do what i like. so bizarre.

puzzling

i got a puzzle for valentine's day. not just ANY puzzle. it is a 2000 (yes, that's 3 os) piece puzzle of neuschwanstein castle in germany. i love it for three reasons. one, the hubs was (and still is) sick all weekend (flu i think) and so the kids did his valentine shopping for him and they picked this out for me. we got my mom this same puzzle for christmas and i kept saying how much i wanted it, and in fact almost kept it for myself. my kids must have paid attention. two, when the hubs and i were dating in high school we visited this castle together. i'll have to see if i can dig up some pictures and post. wikipedia says you aren't allowed to take photos inside, but i'm sure we did. i've heard this is the castle disney modeled cinderella's castle after--at least it looks like it. third, i love it because it has not only made me think of the hubs and i being there together but also because it made me think of my grandma.

my grandma was the puzzle queen. she almost always had a card table set up in her living room in the winter and was working puzzles. she always let me help. it was always so much fun to do stuff w/ her, even if i couldn't work puzzles w/ the same quick eye she could. she had a great eye for puzzles. she often glued them together afterwards and even framed and hung a few. i know, i know, glued together puzzles are not really "art" but i wish i would have gotten one of her glued masterpieces when she died. i think when we complete this 2000 piece mammoth i might just glue it together and hang it in our bedroom.

happy v-day 2010 version

i can't believe it's been 10 days since i've written a blog post. it's weird because so much has happened and yet nothing at all has happened.

*the monday interview went fine. i do not think i will be offered the job and in fact the few details that i have about that particular job make me think i wouldn't want it even if offered it. which is totally ridiculous for someone who hasn't worked since last april to even think let alone say or write. but there it is. there might be some possibility of getting a freelance gig out of it and that would be fine w/ me.

(total non sequitor--today on amc must be gangster movie day. the untouchables just ended and now it's goodfellas, godfather is next. when i was in college i read a lot of mario puzo books and decided i thought it would be so romantic to be a mob guy's girlfriend. yeah, i know. crazy. plus, not much mafia in west virginia. i also took a jewish studies class and thought it would be cool to be jewish. i fell in love with the history and ceremony of the religion, not necessarily all the beliefs. it goes w/out saying that i was quite impressionable in college.)

*monday my sil lost her job. she had seen it coming, not because she's done anything wrong, but because the dentist she has worked for for the last 12 years has apparently lost her mind and let her husband run the "business" of her business. in 12 years she's not had one employee review and the husband cum business manager told her she had too big of a heart, basically. wow.

*the girl spent the week thinking she was going to get a special valentine from a special 8th grader she's been crushing on. i tried to tether her flights of fancy to the ground, explaining that just because a couple of girls said he might send her something did not make it so. i was skeptical and didn't want her to get hurt. when i told the hubs about it he just shook his head. he said regardless of what happened we were screwed, and he was a little right. if she got the valentine that would mean an EIGHTH GRADE BOY liked our baby. if she didn't get one she'd be devastated and pissy all weekend. well, she didn't get the valentine, but she wasn't pissy/moody. she was pissed though, because apparently a girl that has been her friend for years made up the rumor as a joke. really? why are teenage girls such bitches?

*movies--w/ the cold weather, weekends around here have included a lot of movies. here are some i thought i'd share my thoughts on. temple grandin (on hbo) is a true story of...yes, temple grandin. it's an incredible story of a girl who has autism (diagnosed in the 60s) and how she grows up, goes to college, etc. and how she deals w/ life and the things she discovers. awesome movie. the girl, sil and i went to see valentine's day friday night. sooooo many cool actors in that one. we laughed out loud a lot, i sniffled up a few times, and over all--great chick flick. last night, after everyone was asleep, i watched revolutionary road. i loved the fact that kathy bates, leonardo d and kate winslet (all from titanic) were in it. stuff like that is an added bonus for me. anyway, the movie itself was ok but there's a part in the movie where kate (the wife) throws caution into the wind and suggests leo (her hubby) quit his job and they move to paris w/ their two kids and LIVE. not just exist in the suburbs and sameness that is what is expected. after that it is like a weight has lifted from them and it is freeing. that feeling of being, living, not just existing is so captivating.

*valentine's day. i waffle between hating the day and just going w/ the flow. of course we all got each other valentines. the hubs made us all a lovely breakfast this morning and i'm making lasagna (for him, cos the kids won't eat it) for dinner. but, he's been sick since friday night--coughing, congestion, chills. i think it's the flu.

*i have been thinking a lot lately about how little time we have left w/ the girl. i guess i'm focusing on her because she's the oldest and in five years she will be going to college. the physical and mental changes in her this last year are reminiscent of those lightening fast changes they go through as babies. one minute they can barely hold their head up and the next thing you know they're walking. entering the teenage years is a lot like that. one day they're flat chested then you're buying them b-cup bras. i look at her and think, omg, in five years she will be in college and it will be me and the hubs and the boy. i love my baby boy, but it will be a different family dynamic in 5 years. how can that be? i need more time.

whew--a lot of randomness here, but i needed to spill my brain a bit. it was getting full. happy valentine's day : ) oxoxoxo

hanging w/ the abominable

i caught dash hanging out with the abominable snowman the other day. AS has a cool story of his own as it happens. the boy got him in his stocking for christmas. he was much, much smaller. he grows when you put him in water. both dash and AS are living on the edge (or ledge as it were) because they both fit nicely in jasper's mouth and he has been known to carry them around the house.

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i am feeling a bit better today. i had a momentary panic attack about the job situation. and, while nothing really has changed, i am still hopeful. and, can i tell you a secret? i have an interview on monday. i AM NOT getting my hopes up at all or putting this info on facebook or anything. i'm going to be low-key about it. an interview doesn't mean i'd get the job. but it's a start.

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the kids went to school today (on a two-hour delay) but we are supposed to get ice/glazing stuff starting before dawn tomorrow so my guess is they'll be home again tomorrow.

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i called the hubs in the middle of the day, whispered something in his ear and he came home for a quickie before the kids got home. omg. being able to have sex w/out kids in the house is such a wonderful thing. you don't have to worry about what room you're in or how loud you are being or if some one's going to kill the moment by yelling they need something right in the middle of everything. ah....yes i feel better thank you very much.

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things that have made me happy (aside from the o's given by the hubs earlier today and the job interview on monday) this week are:

1. we got the lady gaga cd and every one in the house loves it. i think she's the first current singer/artist in awhile that i've really decided i like. i see the 80s madonna in her, but so much more too.

2. the kids and i got our haircuts yesterday. the girl got a real cut (i will post pics on fb). she has long, straight, no-bang hair and has had that style forever. she got it cut once a few years ago, but other than maintenance cuts she's not had a "style." she got a style yesterday, shoulder length, bangs, layers, it is super cute.

3. lost, the final season, finally came back on and i get to oogle my boyfriends sawyer and sayid. yum. however, i was no less confused after tuesday's episode than i have been for the last 5 seasons. wow. i told the hubs, the writers of this show are either geniuses or they are sitting on the biggest stash of the best weed EVER. either way, i bow down to their greatness.

4. the hubs has said he has the perfect business idea for us. he can be the pimp and me and all of my out of work friends can be his hos. yeah, he's so generous like that. ha.

5. the washer started acting funny a couple of days ago. it made a shrieking sound and wasn't spinning right. the repairman came out today. i thought for sure it was a belt. the machine is only about 500 years old. nope. not a belt. the culprit was a damn glove caught between the tub and the outer tub or something. really? he didn't have to do anything, didn't take it apart, nothing, just reached down there and pulled the damn thing out. nice. but, at least i can wash now. yeah me.

crash and burn

it was just a matter of time really. just a matter of time before my happy balloon was deflated by the harsh reality that being unemployed brings. it's not like i have been unaware that we could not survive forever w/out me having a job. granted i am getting unemployment but that weekly check is less than half of my equivalent weekly pay was. we have survived this long thanks to a severance package that we immediately banked and the hubs' mad skillz w/ money and budgeting and finances. he has made it work.

i have kept hoping, assuming, thinking that i would have a job by now. i apply for everything. ok. not everything because i'm not qualified for everything and not everything because i do need to make a certain amount of money, but otherwise everything.

the severance has been our safety net and it is about gone. after that we can cash in the hubs' 401k--by by future. after that there is nothing. nothing. today in my job hunt i expanded it from the local 40 mile radius to the whole damn country. well, let's be honest, we aren't moving to nyc (where there are tons of publishing jobs listed) and we aren't moving to california or chicago or any place that gets more snow than we get here in nc.

i am not opposed to moving. i'm really not. i think the hubs thinks i'm tied here because of my family. i'm not. i would hate to leave my bro/sil and their kids, but i think we'd still be close even if we didn't live close.

and, as much as i love our house and yard, i could move. i'd be digging up a lot of plants before we did, but otherwise, i could leave this house and start over.

part of me would even get a little excited about the prospect of a new city, new state, new anything to mold again. but it also scares me. there is no guarantee that the economy would be any better elsewhere.

my kids would be devastated. this is all they've ever known. they have friends from kindergarten here, kids they've grown up w/. that is something the hubs and i never had. even though now i am glad for the moving around i did as a kid, i also longed for the roots that living in the same town had.

so i sit here, wondering what tomorrow will bring, trying to cope w/ two kids who are bored out of their mind because it is day two of no school and possibly no school for the entire week if the weather has it's way with us. the boy is clamouring to play monopoly, again, the girl keeps saying she is bored and wants to go out, somewhere, anywhere (which would certainly involve spending money) and i just want someone to call and give me a fucking job already.

the response

i said--hey, we should go outside and play in the snow.

he said--are you fucking kidding me?

it should be noted it was after 1 am in the morning and we were under the influence of something or other and there was 6-8 inches of snow on the ground.