Tuesday, April 7, 2009

i'm not crazy i'm just a little unwell

i want to give a shout out to all of you who've kept coming back, reading me, despite the sadness that has taken over creative kerfuffleland. i feel like i should redo the blog again and make it all black and have emo music in the background, maybe throw up a picture of twilight's bella for good measure, but, that would take effort and i like the blue/chocolate. plus it would freak kristin out--she doesn't like it when i change the blog ; ). i know it hasn't been enjoyable reading. i know you don't know what to say to make it all better--because words can't fix things. but your comments and emails have really helped. (though REAL friends would send peanut butter and chocolate candies. i'm just sayin')

i have a bad habit of shutting down and pulling into myself when things are bad. i don't pull away from the kids or the hubs (in fact i feel like i can't get close enough to them), but pretty much from everyone else i know. i don't listen to music. i don't post as much. i don't read as much. i don't talk as much. i avoid going to lunch w/ friends, etc. then i feel like a jerk for doing that, even though my friends that know i do it seem to understand and are compassionate.

i was emailing w/ one of my bff's yesterday and she said something about looking at the good things in my life. i guess that's the weird part about all of this and the thing that is hard to describe. i am being totally self-centered in my grief. i am amazingly aware of the blessings i have---the hubs, the kids, the love.

when my grandma died i was sad for the loss, but it wasn't unexpected and i know she had a long life and things happened the way she wanted them too. i was more sad for my lost connection to my childhood and to my grandpa's memory.

when my bil died i was stunned and devastated for his sons and wife and for the hubs. i still can't really fathom it. i am sad for the loss of his life and the things that will never happen for him now. i am sad and frustrated for the hubs over the family drama he's going through. i am angry. but, i cannot begin to tell you how terrified i am of the reality it throws in my face. i am making it about me. and i hate that, but at the same time i can't help it.

it feels like the grim reaper came marching out of what i convinced myself was the very distant future and just plopped down at my kitchen table and demanded a cup of coffee.

grim: hey, howya doin'?

me, looking around nervously: what the hell are you doing here?

grim, slouching down in his chair like some cocky, gold-chain-wearing used-car salesman: eh, just stopped in for some coffee. (he slurps it loudly). and to let you know i'm around. you were getting a bit too cocky there, thinking you had a good life and being all happily in love and married and shit. i just needed to put you in your place.

me: you're heavier than i pictured.

grim, adjusting his crotch: that's called oppression baby. it sits on you like the weight of the world.

me: how long are you staying?

grim, looking around the room like he's casing the joint; ready to steal something from me: hmmm, good question. i don't really know. i don't have a lot going on right now, might just stay here for awhile.

me: i really wish you'd leave now.

grim, grinning: yeah, i just bet you do.


Pseudo said...

Sounds cliche, but give it time. Ignore grim and he should move along.

Anonymous said...

At least your sarcastic self is slowly coming back. :) Miss seeing you, but I understand, totally. Take your time taking care of yourself and your family!

Sweet T

Hotch Potchery said...

45. I can't even fathom what I would do if I had 3 more years with Mr. P. It makes complete sense to me what you are doing, grieve how you have to...that is all you can do at this point.

Gal Friday said...

First off, I haven't been thinking this blog has been all gloom lately. You have a unique voice and way of expressing it in words that makes me keep cming back.
You are going through a lot and of course that will affect your writing.
I know about "shutting down" when you are feeling emotional--I get the same way. I think as an emotional person, when things like death and illness and family drama happens, it takes over and also opens up more wounds you were thinking were healed. I think it HAS to come out, and as long as you are there for your immediate family, I think you'll be fine. As everyone else has already said--give it time.

Hotch Potchery said...

ONLY had 3 more years. ONLY.

cheatymoon said...

The first rule of grief is that there are no rules. You just do what you do and know that eventually you will feel better.

I love how you described Grim's visit. He seems like sort of an asshat.

Hang in there.

Kristin.... said...

Ok, I'll make it all about me (there, takes the pressure off you). First, don't change the blog because I'm used to the blue and chocolate. See. About me. Second, I'd happily send you chocolate, but you'll need to email me your address. (ok, sort of about you, but really about me NEEDING things).
Third, Grim is an asshat/douche and we'll kick him to the curb.
I can't promise WHEN things will get better. I can promise that they will.
(just don't change the blog. :) )

broad minded said...

yeah we think you are a jerk for blowing us off, but we will get by (just kidding of course).

And like many things, even you blowing us off, and especially when it comes to grief, we are all so amazingly self centered. I mean after all, when it comes right down to it, you are what you know best. ok that doesn't make the same sense out loud that it does in my head. let me try it this way.

I think our capacity for empathy comes from being able to put ourselves in some one else's situation, "how would I react," "what would I do," etc. Those are the ways we process the good and bad that gets thrown at those around us. If you can't imagine yourself in that situation, then you can't relate to the grief, joy, whatever.

so if you didn't make it about you, in some small way, you wouldn't be understanding or relating to the experience. I don't know if that makes sense or not, but sorry i have rambled on so.

drollgirl said...

ugh. you are facing so much. and it can't be helped but to think of one's self and one's own mortality when facing what you are in the midst of. it is brutal.

crystal said...

I can so relate to this post. I remember saying once while in a similar situaton, "it sucks" because I couldn't find any more appropriate description, and having other people in similar situations say, "it sucks" and really, that's all there is. Death sucks. It really does. Sucks hard. I would like to kick Grim in the nads, but I guess he just does his job. It still sucks, though.

Anonymous said...

I like Bea's advice especially the part about "not the crazy ones" that made me laugh. I hope you can find yourself on the other side soon. xoxo tracy

Astarte said...

Well, if he's not going anywhere, then WE certainly aren't.

Ugh. Grim adjusting his crotch. Gak. Makes me want to wash my hands, somehow.

Antoinette Meaterson said...

Johnny come lately...Sher was gonna do the "goth" blog...Can't you have a creative thought???

Just kidding. You are creative kerfuffle right??? That's what I thought :)

Just so you know, we would probably all still come here, just to sing along with that emo song you had playing, and to laugh at you for being emo. Cuz that's what friends do.

I thought that Grim was bones underneath that thing...would he have a package to adjust???

Just wondering.

creative kerfuffle said...

pseudo--i'm trying to ignor him, i really am. asshat keeps bonking me over the head w/ his staff.

ib--it does fucking suck and i wish i had a damn star trek transporter to throw me into another time continuum or something.

sweet t--yes, the sarcasm is sneaking back in, she can't be held down forever. i miss you too, maybe soon i will actually have time to SEE people.

hotch--i'm picking up what you're laying down. the hubs is 43--i need way more than just two more yrs.

only--thanks. grim IS an asshat and a douche canoe and a twat waffle. i want to cunt punch him.

kristin--ooo how you made me laugh! thanks for taking the pressure off of me : ) i will send you my address and i won't change the blog : )

broad--i totally get what you're saying, i really do. and i know you were kidding about me being a jerk. you love me more than your luggage : )

drollgirl--brutal, good description. and, for the record, everytime i see your little kitteh pouting pic it makes me smile.

bea--i love your assvice : ) he he if i liked wine i'd take it--but i'm sure i can find some mind altering remedy.

crystal--you summed it up perfectly--it sucks bad. too bad grim is so good at his job.

tracy--yep, bea gives good...advice. (hehe--shut up 12 yr old boy) now, if i could just find enough family members who aren't crazy!

astarte--wait a minute--don't wash your hands, i mean, you hate getting them wet right? grims not worth wet hands.

tonie--don't you know by now i'm a total copy cat w/out an original thought? : ) i don't know that i could actually DO emo, unless of course everyone else was doing it. and of course the grim i conjur up would have to have nads and a package, i mean, c'mon! me? describe something that doesn't have some connection to something sexual? paleeze.