i want to give a shout out to all of you who've kept coming back, reading me, despite the sadness that has taken over creative kerfuffleland. i feel like i should redo the blog again and make it all black and have emo music in the background, maybe throw up a picture of twilight's bella for good measure, but, that would take effort and i like the blue/chocolate. plus it would freak kristin out--she doesn't like it when i change the blog ; ). i know it hasn't been enjoyable reading. i know you don't know what to say to make it all better--because words can't fix things. but your comments and emails have really helped. (though REAL friends would send peanut butter and chocolate candies. i'm just sayin')
i have a bad habit of shutting down and pulling into myself when things are bad. i don't pull away from the kids or the hubs (in fact i feel like i can't get close enough to them), but pretty much from everyone else i know. i don't listen to music. i don't post as much. i don't read as much. i don't talk as much. i avoid going to lunch w/ friends, etc. then i feel like a jerk for doing that, even though my friends that know i do it seem to understand and are compassionate.
i was emailing w/ one of my bff's yesterday and she said something about looking at the good things in my life. i guess that's the weird part about all of this and the thing that is hard to describe. i am being totally self-centered in my grief. i am amazingly aware of the blessings i have---the hubs, the kids, the love.
when my grandma died i was sad for the loss, but it wasn't unexpected and i know she had a long life and things happened the way she wanted them too. i was more sad for my lost connection to my childhood and to my grandpa's memory.
when my bil died i was stunned and devastated for his sons and wife and for the hubs. i still can't really fathom it. i am sad for the loss of his life and the things that will never happen for him now. i am sad and frustrated for the hubs over the family drama he's going through. i am angry. but, i cannot begin to tell you how terrified i am of the reality it throws in my face. i am making it about me. and i hate that, but at the same time i can't help it.
it feels like the grim reaper came marching out of what i convinced myself was the very distant future and just plopped down at my kitchen table and demanded a cup of coffee.
grim: hey, howya doin'?
me, looking around nervously: what the hell are you doing here?
grim, slouching down in his chair like some cocky, gold-chain-wearing used-car salesman: eh, just stopped in for some coffee. (he slurps it loudly). and to let you know i'm around. you were getting a bit too cocky there, thinking you had a good life and being all happily in love and married and shit. i just needed to put you in your place.
me: you're heavier than i pictured.
grim, adjusting his crotch: that's called oppression baby. it sits on you like the weight of the world.
me: how long are you staying?
grim, looking around the room like he's casing the joint; ready to steal something from me: hmmm, good question. i don't really know. i don't have a lot going on right now, might just stay here for awhile.
me: i really wish you'd leave now.
grim, grinning: yeah, i just bet you do.