fear sets in

i have been having disturbing dreams. last night i dreamt i was waiting tables at red lobster (like i did when i got out of college and when the hubs and i lived in OK). i couldn't do it. i was triple sat (had three tables sit down at the same time) and i couldn't get their drink orders fast enough. one table included my two dead grandmas, my mom and me as a preteen. they got their food before i even brought them their drinks. i was scrambling in the kitchen to get all of the drinks on my tray when a former boss (from three jobs ago) came up behind me and asked me why the hell i couldn't do this. i sat the drinks down and was then in my kitchen washing a never-ending pile of dishes and everyone was buzzing around the kitchen (from red lobster) talking about how we needed to start a fund to raise money for kids who couldn't go on field trips. i started bitching that i had two kids to send on field trips this year and i couldn't even fill my drink orders.

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i had another dream that i got a job at one of our local grocery stores and i had to ring up parents and people i knew who came in all the time.

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it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure these dreams out. i'm scared. scared of how long i've been out of work. scared i won't find a job, and if i do i won't be able to do it. this has been looming over us for so long; the freelance i was bombarded w/ took the edge off for awhile. it kept the fear at bay because i was being productive, i was making some money. then i learned that the person who had my last job before me was freelancing for my old magazine and that she is in las vegas covering the big trade show for them now. i also learned that someone who got laid off in the last round of layoffs--this summer--has just gotten a new job. all of this feeds into my what the hell is wrong with me why isn't anyone hiring me feeling. oy vey.

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this weekend our hair stylist had a fundraiser for breast cancer. she had raffles and several different stations set up in her salon, one of which was to get a semi-permanent pink streak in your hair. all of the proceeds go to breast cancer research. the girl and i got streaks. they are actually more magenta than pink, but the stylist said they would lighten up. they last about 4-5 weeks.

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today is my sil's birthday. no big birthday plans (she's out of work too). i can't help thinking how lucky i am to have her as a sister-in-law though. on the surface she is quiet and proper. it took a few years to get to know her, but she's not always quiet and proper. when we get together with them the hubs, bro and i are usually the loud mouths...but then the sil will throw something out there and it's all the more funny because it is so unexpected from her. she is an incredible mom. she is one of those mom's that really enjoys being with her kids. i mean we all enjoy our kids---but while some of us long for a night out or a day off or whatever....she never seems to. she is funny and kind and thoughtful....and a pretty good baker too : ) she is the sister i should have had. happy birthday!