there was a storm

it had been building up for a few days i suppose. i could feel it in the atmosphere. unsettled. angry. roiling. gathering up for big gale (or should i say gayle?) force winds; torrential downpours; bolts of lightening.

you'd think after all these years i'd see the warning signs....like those that flash across the bottom of the tv screen....high winds; tornado watch. but, much like the weather outside, i can't control myself when i get to this point. if i were a smarter person i might figure out what my trigger is. for decades i've chalked it up to pms, and maybe that could be part of it, but i don't unleash this crazy storm on a monthly basis. and i think the older i get the further apart the storms are.

i think it always starts the same way. i get my feelings hurt or something insignificant in the grand scheme of life gets under my skin and starts growing like an evil, deformed pearl in an oyster. i start cussing at people in my head. i check out, briefly, when i am fed up and i'm quite certain my eyes glaze over. i become a little despondent. i get weepy and high strung and oh so very huffy over every damn thing. i rant and rave (sometimes in emails, sometimes in my head) about things i might let slide or mildly get annoyed with were it any other day of the year/month/week. i blow things out of proportion.

there is this....scourge inside me that keeps growing and no matter how hard i try to reason with it or dismiss it or ignore it it keeps rising to the surface until i explode. i say mean things. i use words like always and never (as in, you always do this or you never do that)---words i hate when they're used on me. i give voice to feelings i did truly feel....but when i say them out loud they seem ridiculous. thoughts, feelings, words that made perfect sense in the cyclonic brew of my brain for a few days seem vile and hateful and...just wrong when they are spoken.

and then i cry. the crying where your head hurts and your nose keeps running and for lack of a tissue you wipe it on your pajama top. and the sane part of you is standing outside your body saying, oh.my.god. you are certifiably nuts; you are insane; you really are trying to fuck up a perfectly good/happy/loving thing aren't you?; you are your own worst enemy when you are like this; and you're wiping your nose on your shirt? what is WRONG with you? why are you like this?

and then it gets a little quieter. and the storm has petered out. it dissipates. waking up the next morning after a big storm i'm a little skittish. was anything damaged? how bad was it? is it fixable? and i'm overcome with remorse for my behavior. and i'm drained and exhausted from the emotional turmoil. i wonder how anything can survive and be strong when faced with this type of storm off and on for decades.

maybe this is one of the many, many reasons we're meant to be together. he's the only one who can...and will...weather all the storms with me.

irritated and itchy

i am skeptical of people who are always disgustingly cheerful on fb. i find them insincere. i am friends w/ a former work associate that i barely know. admittedly i accepted her friend request for purely selfish and heinous reasons; i thought she might help me network and find a job. alas, i just couldn't fake it so she's just one of those friends on my page who's not really a friend. she amasses friends on fb and twitter like her life depended on it, though it is all part of her plan to build herself as a brand as it were. something she's actually succeeding at. but, whenever i read her status updates i always wonder....what is she REALLY thinking? what is she REALLY like, because seriously, she cannot enjoy everything as much as she's saying she does. nobody can be that positive and "on" as much as she is.

likewise i am disgusted by people who always bitch on fb. i don't understand it. i have a cousin who posts all kinds of semi-cryptic messages about how fucked up her life is and then five minutes later she's posting about how much she loves her kids and husband. i stopped commenting on any of her status updates because i just really do not give a fuck. the hubs' nephew (a senior in high school) also does this, but i feel sad for him instead of the contempt i feel towards my cousin. contempt is a strong word--i just feel like telling my cousin, put on your big girl panties and grow the fuck up. you're 30 fucking years old, on your second marriage, raising two small kids and all you do is bitch and moan. the nephew, a totally different story. i think he's had a rough childhood (so i can relate to him) and while i'm quite positive he's not the model child or student, he's still a kid and i think a lot of his problems come from bad parenting.

i think i might have inadvertently stuck my foot in something on fb. my cousin, the younger one who just got married last month, announced on fb that they're having a baby boy. so, it was supposed to be a big secret she got pregnant shortly before they got married, but i don't think it really was. it just wasn't talked about. so...the cuz is flashing fetus pics online, excited he's having a boy...and then i'm all like...so, when's the baby due. if fb were real you could have heard crickets chirping. in my defense, when someone announces they're having a baby and they've found out the gender it's logical to ask when it will be born. i honestly didn't even think about the timeline (nor, frankly, do i care). i really don't think anyone cares (except maybe the grandparents?) that she was pregnant before they got married. something like that isn't really taboo any more is it?

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we had the boy and the nephew's joint bday party this weekend. it's the first time my parents have been here since...probably the girl's birthday party in january. it was as if nothing had ever happened i suppose. i am cordial with them. other than that....i really don't have a lot of feelings there. after the party the hubs told me about a conversation he'd had w/ my sister. she said that her daughter (my oldest niece) had bug bites on her and had been itching; that she only got them when she was in her bedroom. holy hell. of course i'm now freaking the hell out thinking they may have brought those creepy crawly bed insects into my house. srsly? it is not confirmed that she has them; but, if she does....how easy is it for them to hitch a ride on my sister and her family and then jump onto my sofa???????

this is the problem with deep cleaning

i've been productive this week, more so than usual. i've used windex on all the glass surfaces (to include the french doors to the patio. talk about a wasted task--the dogs nose it up daily and i'll be damned if i'm windexing it ever day.) i've become great friends w/ my oreck vacuum cleaner and its tag-a-long partner the hand-held vac.

today i started on our dining room. now, one would think for a room that never gets used for its intended purpose (because we always eat at the kitchen table) this room would be clean, dusty but clean. ha. the table is full of my freelance notes, bills, etc. the kids' books, papers, etc. and...a huge box that has been stashed in the corner since i got laid off in april 09. i suppose i thought i'd quickly be unpacking that box and placing all my mementos on another desk within the blink of an eye. yeah...not so much. today i'm going through the box.

really, this room should take an hour tops to clean. dust the table, vacuum, toss the trash out of the box, put the other stuff away....and yet here i am going through a box of memories. there are copies of all the publications (i went through and tagged a few stories); there are reference books that sit on every desk at every job (thesaurus, dictionary, style guide, etc.) some reference books specific to the industry i worked in (and i'm not sure if i need to toss them out or not) and then all of the personal stuff one accumulates (if you are like me and a hoarder) on a desk after being with a company for seven years. i haven't finished going through the box, but there are slips of paper and magazine pages filled w/ quotes; pics my kids drew for me at varying ages. there is a folder filled w/ pages/pics ripped from magazines (many are of rod stewart, imagine that); colors and objects that caught my eye at the time.

silly trinkets i'd collected on my desk. i might have to take some pics and share them w/ you. for some unknown reason...i have a dried orange. somehow it came to live on my desk (perhaps a forgotten lunch?) about 11 years ago. it is hard. over the years someone drew a face on it. why i've kept it i have no idea, but i will and when i get a job it will come with me.

copperfielding

i miss the days when my kids got confused over words and ended up mispronouncing or slaughtering a word or not understanding the concept.

when the boy was in kindergarten they had a makeup day at the end of the year because of a snow day that winter. when i explained they had to go to school because it was a makeup day he just looked at me oddly. then he innocently asked, "you mean i have to wear makeup to school today?" priceless.

the hubs still makes fun of the fact that i taught the kids at an early age the anatomically correct names for their body parts. i got tired of hearing i hurt my butt or i scratched my butt which meant anything below the waistline. they knew early on the proper terms. one day we were riding in the car and for some random reason the boy (who was probably 5-6) said something about a fudge-ina. the girl, in her more mature 8-9 year old wisdom said, hey stupid its va va va gina not fudge-ina; you don't eat it. i thought the hubs was going to drive off the road.

when the girl was a toddler and learning to say the pledge of allegiance she said...and to the republic for richard stands (instead of and to the republic for which it stands). she also said the first president was george watlington.

flash forward six years. driving home from the girl's orchestra performance tonight the term cop a feel came up. the poor boy. despite the fact he has the hubs and girl spilling forth their potty mouth knowledge on a daily basis, he doesn't quite get it all yet. she said cop a feel. he said what's that. what's copperfield? no stupid, cop a feel, and she grabbed his chest. he said oh no i've been copperfield!

tonight the reality of how fast time is flying by slapped me in the face. this was the last fall performance the girl will have in middle school. as we were standing in the hall afterwards, waiting for her to come out, the boy was leaning against the wall. this will be his school next year. he will be in this school...in sixth grade. middle school. she will be in high school. it just doesn't seem possible.

awesome read

i finished the memory keeper's daughter. you have to read it. if you haven't and you want to, let me know and i'll send it to you. i am still soaking it in.

reading a good book is a lot like having sex. you get so caught up in it....you're in another dimension...on another planet. nothing else matters. you don't hear anything else. you don't think of anything else. you are completely absorbed in it. unlike sex i don't normally finish a book in one session. when you have to stop it is almost painful. you long to get back to it, though you know the more time you invest in it the closer you come to the ending and the parting. when you finish it is like you are emerging from a daze or waking up from a coma. you linger in the afterglow.

please read the memory keeper's daughter. you will not be sorry.

briefly--it is about a couple, a doctor and his wife. his wife goes into labor in the middle of a snowstorm in 1964. he delivers his son, with the aid of his nurse, in his office. unexpectedly there are twins, a boy and a girl. the girl has down's syndrome. he tells the nurse to take the baby girl to a "home" and tells his wife the baby girl died. the story that unfolds is tragic and sad and wonderful and full of heart.

lucky numbers

it's friday and i'm filled with...exhilaration. an-ti-ci-pa---shun. i don't know why really. we have a busy weekend ahead--the girl has two soccer games and she has to help clean up a historic graveyard for community service (a requirement for the leadership program she's in at school). aside from the fact that we have to be there at 8:45 am, i'm thinking it might be a good photo-taking opportunity.

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the hubs' caddy needed two back tires today. it was making a funny noise (he'd just driven it about 500 miles this week). we took it to the shop today and the dude said one of the back tires was about to explode. lucky for us that didn't happen earlier this week when he was out of town.

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the hubs went in for the results of his blood work this morning. he goes every 3-4 months. the last time he was there the dr basically told him he was a walking time bomb and a stroke/heart attack death was right around the corner. today? excellent numbers. blood pressure, w/in normal range. weight, down about 30 lbs. sugar levels, down. bad cholesterol numbers, down. good cholesterol...this needs elevated. i need to do some research on how to increase good cholesterol numbers. the dr said drink a glass of wine a night. well, we have plenty of wine in this house, despite the fact that neither one of us really likes wine. overall it was a most excellent report and he will live to fight another day : )

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about 27 years ago we went on our first "official" date. it was to a fall carnival at my high school. this weekend we're celebrating our 18th wedding anniversary. celebrating is a big word...we won't be doing anything extraordinary, due to the lack of funds and the busy schedule, but, it's still amazing to think we've been together this long and i still love him. and still like him : )

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i have applied for four promising jobs in the last few weeks. i've applied for way more than that, but these four are actually jobs i wouldn't mind having. i found one of them today and really almost peed my pants. the ad for the job (a copywriting position) was irreverent and the website for the company engaging and the culture sounds so relaxed and creative. i need to work there. i went out on a limb and sent them my resume (i have no agency experience, which was one thing they were looking for) with an irreverent cover letter.

i told myself i would not do this, but i'm like my kids, i don't listen to me....i had two phone interviews yesterday. i wasn't going to say anything for fear of jinxing anything. one went very well, it was impromptu. the other was planned and the hr woman sounded quite harried and ready for the day to be over. she didn't sound very happy. quite a contrast to the impromptu interview i had a few hours before. that hr lady was excited and vivacious and in a great mood.

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i've told you how great the hubs is doing w/ his weight loss and exercise. he's committed. i am...lazy. i walk with him on the weekends...when we can walk before it gets dark. i'm watching what i eat. that's been the extent of my effort. last night i decided i needed to step up my game. i rode the stationary bike for three songs (and the damn abba cd was skipping so maybe it could count for four?). i thought my legs were going to burn off. if only it were that easy. then i rowed the rowing machine. i think it was for 50 reps. i don't know. it wasn't long. but, my arms hurt so i guess it was working.

he is cornholio

i distinctly remember the first day he came home from he hospital. he was in a bassinet in the living room. my mom changed his diaper and he peed on the canopy of the bassinet. i knew then and there i wanted him to go back. i asked my parents to take him back. sadly, they'd really been trying for a second kid and wanted to keep him. he is six years younger than me.

it didn't help that up until then not only was i an only child, i was an only grandchild on both sides of the family. spoiled might be a fitting word, though i prefer precocious. within a year i not only had a baby brother but three boy cousins. i had lost my only grandchild status and only child status in one fell swoop. damn those breeders.

i suppose for a long time i really didn't like my brother. i'm sure it was a spoiled, jealousy thing. we tolerated each other for most of our childhood. we fought. we beat each other up. well, mostly back then i beat him up. that all changed one day when i came home from college for the weekend or a holiday (i can't remember which) and he was in high school. we liked each other more then, i guess we'd matured some, but we were horsing around in the kitchen and the moment he wrestled me to the floor and i couldn't get up i knew the tides had changed. he could kick my ass now.

the next few years we became closer. we shared adventures...usually involving a car and doing some damage to it. i let him drive my car once when i wasn't supposed to and we crashed into a tree. another time i fell asleep (BRIEFLY) at the wheel and we hit a guard rail. both events required lying to the parents and forged our solidarity.

as we became adults and started our families we had a rough few years of discord, but, for years now he has been one of my best friends. we don't talk every day or email every day....but...i love it when we do. even though we have different memories and experiences of our childhood and parents, their inability to be good parents brought us closer together. we learned to lean on each other and turn to each other for support, advice and love.

so many times he's made my day and not even realized it. he'd call me at work and tell me a horrible joke in one of his funny voices; or he (and the hubs) get together and reenact beavis and butthead. he is a cut up. a clown. he makes me laugh.

and, oddly enough...there are times when without even knowing it he's given me advice or shared something he's learned or heard and it makes me laugh or think. sometimes i feel like the younger sibling, looking to him for guidance. he's always been stronger when it comes to dealing w/ my parents. he's always had a stronger faith/conviction than i have. he's good w/ kids. he likes kids. my kids like him. they always know though....whatever you do to him (play a joke, rough house, etc.) he will bring it back to you tenfold.

we were talking on the phone last night and he told me that when puddin' (my baby niece) was changing clothes the other day her head was poking out of her shirt and she looked like cornholio : )

books, the arm and friends

i finished the first sookie stackhouse book. i can't find the second one anywhere. holy shit. today i went to our little used paperback book store and hunted for them. she didn't have them but said she'd call me when she got some in. she also introduced me to a new author..well, new to me..in the same genre as stephen king. so i bought one of his books, robert maccullum is his name, and a book for the boy for his upcoming bday.

i am still reading the heart shaped box (it is ok...i want to love it because he's stephen king's son...but....it's just ok. i preferred 20th century ghost stories...his short story collection.) i also started the memory keeper's daughter. i feel like i've read this book before. it's about a couple who have twins--one has down syndrome and the husband (who's a dr who had to deliver his own twins in a snow storm) tells the nurse to take the baby girl (w/ downs) away before his wife realizes it.

the girl is as voracious a reader as i am. more so i think. she's found a new author and has been searching for a second book by this author. it came out today. she saved up her allowance and asked me to get it so she'd have it when she gets home from school. she just texted me to see if i'd gotten her book. like i could have forgotten. she mentioned it about elebenty billion times this morning. she wrote it on the dry erase board on the fridge. i love her love of reading.

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remember in the spring when i was having trouble w/ my right shoulder/arm? i went to physical therapy...i have some nerve issue and arthritis. it's in my left shoulder/arm now. ah. it has been for about a month. my left index finger has been sort of numb for weeks. i did get a refill scrip on anti-inflammatory meds. they help some. i've been doing all the exercises i learned in pt. they also help some. but, typing...holding things, laying flat, these things hurt like a mutherfucker.

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if you've been reading long you know how i struggle w/ being a friend. i always question my ability to be a good friend, and yet most of the reasons i question myself come from my relationship (or lack thereof) w/ just a few people. i have rekindled a great relationship w/ one of my bff's from high school. i can't even begin to express how good it feels. we had such good times in high school....it was such a pivotal time in our lives....and now she's back in my life, even though we're thousands of miles apart. i can close my eyes and hear her laugh. we email most every day. long emails. catching up emails.

i also have a couple of friends that no matter how long it's been since i've seen them...no matter what we've done in the months/weeks between visits...it's always still good. (sweet t i'm looking at you.) we may only get together for lunch once every couple of months, but there are emails in between. i still feel connected to them.

so, these things have made me think...maybe it's not that i'm a horrible friend, maybe it's just that i wasn't meant to be life-long friends w/ certain people. there's an email that makes the rounds every so often...some people come into your life for a season...etc. and maybe i need to stop and remember that. i need to quit feeling that there's something wrong w/ me or that i'm being left out of something because if i really and truly wanted to be included i could make the effort.

fear sets in

i have been having disturbing dreams. last night i dreamt i was waiting tables at red lobster (like i did when i got out of college and when the hubs and i lived in OK). i couldn't do it. i was triple sat (had three tables sit down at the same time) and i couldn't get their drink orders fast enough. one table included my two dead grandmas, my mom and me as a preteen. they got their food before i even brought them their drinks. i was scrambling in the kitchen to get all of the drinks on my tray when a former boss (from three jobs ago) came up behind me and asked me why the hell i couldn't do this. i sat the drinks down and was then in my kitchen washing a never-ending pile of dishes and everyone was buzzing around the kitchen (from red lobster) talking about how we needed to start a fund to raise money for kids who couldn't go on field trips. i started bitching that i had two kids to send on field trips this year and i couldn't even fill my drink orders.

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i had another dream that i got a job at one of our local grocery stores and i had to ring up parents and people i knew who came in all the time.

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it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure these dreams out. i'm scared. scared of how long i've been out of work. scared i won't find a job, and if i do i won't be able to do it. this has been looming over us for so long; the freelance i was bombarded w/ took the edge off for awhile. it kept the fear at bay because i was being productive, i was making some money. then i learned that the person who had my last job before me was freelancing for my old magazine and that she is in las vegas covering the big trade show for them now. i also learned that someone who got laid off in the last round of layoffs--this summer--has just gotten a new job. all of this feeds into my what the hell is wrong with me why isn't anyone hiring me feeling. oy vey.

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this weekend our hair stylist had a fundraiser for breast cancer. she had raffles and several different stations set up in her salon, one of which was to get a semi-permanent pink streak in your hair. all of the proceeds go to breast cancer research. the girl and i got streaks. they are actually more magenta than pink, but the stylist said they would lighten up. they last about 4-5 weeks.

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today is my sil's birthday. no big birthday plans (she's out of work too). i can't help thinking how lucky i am to have her as a sister-in-law though. on the surface she is quiet and proper. it took a few years to get to know her, but she's not always quiet and proper. when we get together with them the hubs, bro and i are usually the loud mouths...but then the sil will throw something out there and it's all the more funny because it is so unexpected from her. she is an incredible mom. she is one of those mom's that really enjoys being with her kids. i mean we all enjoy our kids---but while some of us long for a night out or a day off or whatever....she never seems to. she is funny and kind and thoughtful....and a pretty good baker too : ) she is the sister i should have had. happy birthday!

it was early morning yesterday and i was up before the dawn

well, in the fall/winter i'm up most days before the dawn, but that's not the point of this post.

there actually will be no discernible point, so if you're looking for one, just move along.

it is friday and i am so happy. i am meeting some friends for lunch (which i haven't done in months). the planets aligned just right so there are no soccer games or karate classes this weekend. we are actually going to try to catch my nephew gameboy's football game for a change.

the hubs had to go out of town last night for work, something he hasn't done in a long, long time. he called me yesterday so excited...he found a cleaver. yes, a meat cleaver. he likes smoking meat (among other things) and has been wanting a cleaver so he can chop his meat into proper bbq. the cleavers we've seen are $30+ and that just seems a bit expensive for...a cleaver. he found one for $14. he will be smoking a pork shoulder sunday. and playing with his cleaver.

we are raising leaders in our house. the boy is in the leadership program in karate. aside from the fact that this means his karate belts now have black stripes in them, it also means he is training to be a future instructor. the girl was nominated by her teachers to be on the hawk leadership team at school. good grades, model student...these are the things that qualify her to be on the team. they get to help plan events (like the end of year 8th grade celebration), some in school spirit stuff and field trips and participate in some community service activities.

we had to go to tarjay last night to get the boy some jeans. while the girl will try to wear shorts as long into fall/winter as she can get by w/...the boy would wear jeans all summer if i let him. honestly i don't care so much about him wearing jeans except that i always have to hem his jeans and that is a bitch of a chore. tarjay is a happy place. seriously. i got way to excited about this little throw rug that was on sale. it is bathmat size. turquoise. $2.48! how could i pass that up? so i didn't. and now it is a bathmat in my bathroom. forget the fact that the shower curtain is lilac. the walls are cream so turquoise and lilac match right? lol. there was another rug, about three times that size in black for $3.48. it's now laying on the boys floor covering up the high traffic area. score!

i am still reading the heartshaped box by joe hill (stephen king's son) but last night, because i have a hard time getting to sleep when the hubs isn't home, i started reading the sookie stackhouse books (the ones true blood are based on). i haven't really formed an opinion on them yet, other than so far the writing isn't as great as i thought it would be.

hump day ramblings

sunday we started prepping the yard for fall/winter. we cleaned out the shed, got out the halloween decorations, put away flower pots and yard art that don't do well in freezing temps and emptied the fountains to put away. the hubs found this HUGE black widow and her egg sack inside the bottom of one of the fountains. you can't really tell from the pic, but that bitch is the size of a pea! she's been living in the fountain that sits on our patio. beside the house. the fountain my sweet niece puddin' plays in all summer long. GASP! needless to say--the black widow is dead now.

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i think i can safely say it is full on fall here now. the temps in the mornings are in the 40s-50s and i don't think it's been above 80 during the day all week. i love this time of year. it's crisp and the leaves are starting to fall. that of course means raking--we have a ton of trees in the back yard so there is always raking to be done. october is a busy month for us--our anniversary, the boy's birthday, my nephew gameboy's birthday, my sil's birthday--plus of course the ongoing karate and soccer. and halloween : ) my fave holiday. i fear our years of trick-or-treating are coming to an end soon. the girl is 13 and the boy 10 and when i asked the boy if they were dressing up and trick-or-treating this year he said yeah, but we won't get as much candy as the cute little kids.

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i'm wrapping up the last of my freelance work this week. although it has been in a pain in the ass writing these stupid press releases, it has earned us money. i don't have any other freelance gigs on the horizon just yet, but i still have hope.

while we were in wv the other weekend one of my uncles gave me his business cards and asked me if i could write. (yeah, he knows me SO well.) i have no idea what he does and couldn't tell from his business card either. i emailed him my resume and told him what i can do, etc. yeah...it's been a week and i haven't heard from him. really?

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i am a nosey nelly. curious. the girl's soccer coach and his family intrigue me. i'm guessing he's in his late 30s, early 40s and his wife (the helper coach) said she was 25. they have one adopted daughter who is in 8th grade. i know she's adopted because 1) the girl has heard her talk about being adopted in school and 2) she looks hawaiian or something and the coaches are caucasian. they also have a son who is 10-12. if this is their son that means the mom had him when she was 15-13. then their is another daughter, maybe 6-7 yrs old. she calls the coach by his name and the mom, mom. she is bi-racial. then there is another boy who's a toddler. i am fascinated by this family. like who is who's parent etc. i don't know why. soooo not my business. but shit like that intrigues me.

how to turn your garage into a gym

first you have to park your cars in the driveway. despite the fact that one of the things the hubs loved about this house was the two-car garage, there have rarely been cars in it since we moved in 8 yrs ago. sometimes there has been so much shit in there we couldn't get a skateboard in, let alone two cars, but for about a year (this time) we've had the space to park the cars inside and just haven't. doesn't seem to be as big of an issue except in winter.

when the hubs started his lifestyle change a little more than a month ago, he used his birthday money to by some free weights and a jump rope. the karate instructor gave him some extra floor mats for padding the concrete floor. his routine so far has been walking about a mile and a half every night and lifting weights every other night and karate twice a week.

we have been searching for some free/cheap workout equipment. the hubs fell in love w/ an elliptical on qvc, but seriously, spending $400+ just isn't in the budget, even if it is only 5 easy payments of $85 (although we did use that easy pay deal to get a new vacuum since mine is near death. actually, i think it is a zombie vacuum, but it's ok because my new ORECK came yesterday. omg. i've never, ever had a REAL vacuum cleaner.) after working out at the hotel gym last weekend he decided a bike might be an acceptable substitution.

earlier this week i scoped out our local goodwill. two decrepit looking bikes, a big ass treadmill (too expensive) and a third bike (and these are all stationary btw) that looked like it was made w/in the last 5 years and was an option. it of course was gone hours later when the hubs went to look at it. today we scoped out a thrift store, another goodwill and a second thrift store and ....score! we got a rowing machine AND a stationary bike for $50!

don't get me wrong--i do like the walking we've been doing. however, i don't like walking in the dark (which is what the hubs has been doing, alone, this week) and i don't like walking in the rain (which he also did this week), so the equipment gives us something to do other than walking. plus, i think rowing/riding a bike burn more calories than walking.

waging a war

a few weeks ago the boy's karate instructor sent a book home w/ the boy for me to read...the war of art, by stephen pressfield. it laid on the kitchen counter for a few days because i was skeptical. the book is thin. there is nothing outwardly exceptional about it. and frankly i have lost any good feeling/mojo i have toward his instructor and therefore didn't think his book recommendation could amount to much. (re: the instructor--i don't doubt that he knows karate, but...his business/people skills are non-existent and i feel like most of the time he's just coming up w/ new shit to hawk because business is so bad. kinda like a snake oil salesman.)

the book is short. sometimes chapters are a paragraph long. the book talks about how to win your inner creative battles--whether you're a writer or musician or artist or whatever. it talks about honoring the muse. it talks about the difference between writing because you have to and writing because you have to. in other words--writing because the words are jumping out of you and the story has a mind of its own and the muse is driving the work out of your vs. looking around to see what the market wants and selling out, not following your heart, being a hack. he talks about how resistance is the enemy.

you could read the book in 30 minutes. really. but you'll probably want to read it more than once to let everything soak in. my dilemma is getting from reading it to putting it into action. i was encouraged by the fact that the author struggled for years before he was officially published. even w/ that...he wrote something he was interested in that he didn't think had any chance of being published, that his agent didn't think would get published...such a tiny niche...the book? the legend of bagger vance.