holy fucking shit. ok, so today is just not my fucking day ok? i finally got the balls up to post that post below and felt a little better but also a little sick at the same time. and weepy. i know it's not my period because i just wrapped that shit up and mother nature is really being harsh to me w/ that whole thing these last two months. oh, you are over 40 now right? yes, but just barely bitch. well then, i think we'll start overloading you w/ cramps so it feels like every damn useless egg is beating the hell out of you from the inside out on its way down. and for good measure i'm going to zap all of your energy AND take that muscle in your lower back and twist it like a dirty stinking dishrag. ha.
i had an errand to run so i did because sometimes i fear i'm slipping a little and being home all day every day might be starting to get to me a tad. so i went out. ran my errand. stopped in to tarjay thinking she'd cheer me up. not that i need to fucking spend any money, but i have in my possession these rebate cards from the cell phones we got a few months ago. they were calling to me. i looked at bras. because i seriously need new bras. tarjay, why do you have pretty bras for the less endowed users but for the ample bazoombas we get the choice of beige, white or black? huh? i got frustrated and didn't even try any on. i wanted a pretty bra. ppphhhhtttt.
instead i got the hubs a shirt on sale, a set of jersey sheets on sale and some funky halloween socks. i might do a fucking giveaway here, i might keep them for my damn self. i also stopped at the drug store and bought the girl her own eye liner (so she'll stop borrowing mine) and the boy the axe shower gel he's been wanting because he says the stuff we have is for girls. ingrates.
i get home and check the mail. fuckity fuck fuck if i didn't just get a rejection letter from the fucking chamber of fucking commerce. they received 60 applicants, i'm sorry to fucking inform you that you were not one of the 15 lucky bastards we're sending a questionnaire to so then we can then whittle it down to fucking 5 to interview and one to hire. fucktards. douche canoes. i am over qualified for that job but soooooo very much wanted it and was soooooo very sure i'd at least get an interview. what the fuck?! but, i have not cried. damn it to hell. and, i'm not trying to be all i'm-so-fucking-smart-and-wonderful by saying i'm over qualified for that job. i just am.
i really just want to scream. loudly.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
so many questions
How can you say you have so many regrets about the past and yet not understand why you and I are not best friends? How can you say I have hurt you more than my sister, the problematic child? Because I don’t embrace you with open arms? Because I don’t come to you? Revere you, respect you? Need you? Why should I? You have never been there for me when it counted.
How can you continually turn your back on some of your children and then in the blink of an eye expect people to feel sorry for you because they have built their lives without you? You have never, ever put us first when it was necessary.
Yes, I’ve been hurt, deeply, by other people in my life, but I really do not think there is anything as raw, unmendable or tragic as being hurt—betrayed—by your parents. Parents are supposed to be your champions, your protectors, your safety net when everything else in the world is wrong. Parents are supposed to be a source of strength and love and good.
You say you can’t be a proper grandmother to my children because you don’t have a good relationship with me. You want what your mother had. You want to be the center of your family, the matriarch. You want to be loved but you have never wanted to put the work into it. You expect too much.
You cannot ignore his alcoholism for decades—all the years of my childhood—and expect that now I should feel sorry for you that he drinks. This is nothing new. This is the life you made us live as a child so why shouldn’t it be good enough for you to live now? You cannot really think that my 13-year-old self was ok after he molested me and you did nothing. Really? After I told you, I didn’t bring it up again for years—and you thought my silence meant I was ok with it? And then, as an adult when I questioned YOU about it you said I should talk to him? And you really, truly cannot understand why we are not best friends?
You cannot ignore my children for 12 years and then say it is my fault that you don’t have a relationship with them. You cannot favor your other grandchildren and think mine don’t see it. So, don’t be sad that my children are not affectionate to you or that they don’t really even care much about you. You brought it on yourself, and it is not because I don’t call you or email you. It is because you are a selfish, wretched woman who is getting older, realizing her regrets and mistakes and wallowing in it. Always blaming someone else, always making excuses. You are pathetic.
And I suppose it could be different if all of the problems were in the past, but they aren’t. You are always worried about appearances and what other people will think of you and you lie. You want to judge me because of how much time I spent with my grandmother before she died, the same woman who lived two miles from you and you and he rarely visited unless you needed money. You want to judge me for so many things yet you gave up your right, years ago, to matter to me.
I hate that despite all of this, despite the fact that I’ve worked so hard to push being a daughter into the furthest corner of my mind, that I still am a daughter. And, while the healthy side of me knows that distancing myself, at least emotionally, from you is necessary, I have guilt and wonder how I am ever supposed to forgive you. I don’t know if I can. And sometimes this hate and anger and sadness overwhelms me and I hate that it is because of you, I hate that I’ve given you that power over me. I can stomp it down sometimes. There will always be that question of why though. Why weren’t you the parent you should have been? Why didn’t you take care of us the way you should have? Why? Why could you be there and take care of our sister when she needed you but not us when we needed you?
How can you continually turn your back on some of your children and then in the blink of an eye expect people to feel sorry for you because they have built their lives without you? You have never, ever put us first when it was necessary.
Yes, I’ve been hurt, deeply, by other people in my life, but I really do not think there is anything as raw, unmendable or tragic as being hurt—betrayed—by your parents. Parents are supposed to be your champions, your protectors, your safety net when everything else in the world is wrong. Parents are supposed to be a source of strength and love and good.
You say you can’t be a proper grandmother to my children because you don’t have a good relationship with me. You want what your mother had. You want to be the center of your family, the matriarch. You want to be loved but you have never wanted to put the work into it. You expect too much.
You cannot ignore his alcoholism for decades—all the years of my childhood—and expect that now I should feel sorry for you that he drinks. This is nothing new. This is the life you made us live as a child so why shouldn’t it be good enough for you to live now? You cannot really think that my 13-year-old self was ok after he molested me and you did nothing. Really? After I told you, I didn’t bring it up again for years—and you thought my silence meant I was ok with it? And then, as an adult when I questioned YOU about it you said I should talk to him? And you really, truly cannot understand why we are not best friends?
You cannot ignore my children for 12 years and then say it is my fault that you don’t have a relationship with them. You cannot favor your other grandchildren and think mine don’t see it. So, don’t be sad that my children are not affectionate to you or that they don’t really even care much about you. You brought it on yourself, and it is not because I don’t call you or email you. It is because you are a selfish, wretched woman who is getting older, realizing her regrets and mistakes and wallowing in it. Always blaming someone else, always making excuses. You are pathetic.
And I suppose it could be different if all of the problems were in the past, but they aren’t. You are always worried about appearances and what other people will think of you and you lie. You want to judge me because of how much time I spent with my grandmother before she died, the same woman who lived two miles from you and you and he rarely visited unless you needed money. You want to judge me for so many things yet you gave up your right, years ago, to matter to me.
I hate that despite all of this, despite the fact that I’ve worked so hard to push being a daughter into the furthest corner of my mind, that I still am a daughter. And, while the healthy side of me knows that distancing myself, at least emotionally, from you is necessary, I have guilt and wonder how I am ever supposed to forgive you. I don’t know if I can. And sometimes this hate and anger and sadness overwhelms me and I hate that it is because of you, I hate that I’ve given you that power over me. I can stomp it down sometimes. There will always be that question of why though. Why weren’t you the parent you should have been? Why didn’t you take care of us the way you should have? Why? Why could you be there and take care of our sister when she needed you but not us when we needed you?
Sunday, September 27, 2009
the boys came to call
a couple of hours ago the boy came out to the backyard where the hubs, the girl and i were working on laying brick chips around the pool. he said there were people at the door.
i went to the door and found two of the girl's classmates. two boys. they were out riding their bikes and stopped in to see her.
i will pause to let this sink it. the hubs has not quite yet recovered from this. boys. at our door. to visit OUR BABY. she is just 12! they stayed for all of five minutes. one of the boys is moving into our neighborhood. he seems like a nice kid, he's smart and cute. i observed him last year on the field trip to space camp and he was very well behaved. she could do worse : )
after they left she and i were in the kitchen. she couldn't quit grinning. i couldn't quit grinning--i think i was still in shock. she was excited, though she said one of them has a girl friend.
a little while later the girl got a text and they wanted her to go bike riding w/ them. and she did. holy hell. my baby is bike riding w/ boys. she came back, winded, boys ride bikes faster than she does apparently. oy vey. i don't know how ready i am for this stage of life--i know the hubs isn't. he told the girl he had two shovels and room in the backyard for two bodies : )
i went to the door and found two of the girl's classmates. two boys. they were out riding their bikes and stopped in to see her.
i will pause to let this sink it. the hubs has not quite yet recovered from this. boys. at our door. to visit OUR BABY. she is just 12! they stayed for all of five minutes. one of the boys is moving into our neighborhood. he seems like a nice kid, he's smart and cute. i observed him last year on the field trip to space camp and he was very well behaved. she could do worse : )
after they left she and i were in the kitchen. she couldn't quit grinning. i couldn't quit grinning--i think i was still in shock. she was excited, though she said one of them has a girl friend.
a little while later the girl got a text and they wanted her to go bike riding w/ them. and she did. holy hell. my baby is bike riding w/ boys. she came back, winded, boys ride bikes faster than she does apparently. oy vey. i don't know how ready i am for this stage of life--i know the hubs isn't. he told the girl he had two shovels and room in the backyard for two bodies : )
our house guest
last night we had a house guest. my cousin came to spend the night with us. he is 31 and has downs syndrome. his parents are my aunt and uncle who are on the cross-country rv road trip. the rock (as my cousin will be known since that is his favorite wrestler) is quite a character and i really enjoyed having him stay with us, but it also made me a bit sad.
he is all about family and wanting to be with his cousins, even more so since our grandma died. aside from his parents he was probably closer to her than any other family member and i can't help wondering exactly how much he comprehends. he knows she is dead and in heaven with our grandpa. a couple of times he got choked up about her and as quickly as the sadness came it was gone. on some levels he has the mentality of a small child--he still vehemently believes in santa--but he also has a strong sense of what is right and wrong. cussing and littering are wrong. being rude is wrong--although he burps and farts at will with no shame.
he can read a bit and he loves painting and participates in art shows. he loves movies, especially horror movies, and has his dvd collection alphabetized. he interacts with people, although i don't think he likes being around a lot of people or having too much stimulation.
being with him this weekend gave me a tiny glimpse of what life must have been like for my aunt and uncle--a couple who, at one time, i could not stand. my uncle was in the navy and my dad was in the army so we did not always live within visiting distance of them, but over the years we did bump into each other. when i was in high school and we were in germany, they were too. we saw them those years more frequently and that's when i really didn't like them much. my aunt was a raging alcoholic. i remember one time when they were visiting i got up one morning and she was drinking gin for breakfast. when i was in college my aunt and uncle were separated and my aunt was living near my grandma. her drinking was really, really bad then. so bad that my grandma had her committed to rehab. i think that was when she started turning herself around.
she and my uncle got back together (they'd separated a few times over the years and even once got divorced and remarried) and she has been sober for at least 15 years and i am always amazed at how much she and my uncle have changed their lives. they have another son, who is 5 years younger than me, and is perhaps as big a fuck up as my sister was. he's been in jail, drugs, dui, theft, etc. he's floated from job to job--yes, he even worked in the carnival. he's now in cooking school in california.
the rock moved into a group home several years ago and really seems to be thriving. he goes to school three days a week, goes to art classes on friday and the weekends he doesn't come home he hangs out with his friends. he loves going to subway and the evil empire (which is what we did w/ him today). he didn't want to go on the road trip w/ my aunt and uncle--he doesn't like the outdoors and traveling like that. he has said though, that if they indeed end up moving out of state he might move with them.
he is all about family and wanting to be with his cousins, even more so since our grandma died. aside from his parents he was probably closer to her than any other family member and i can't help wondering exactly how much he comprehends. he knows she is dead and in heaven with our grandpa. a couple of times he got choked up about her and as quickly as the sadness came it was gone. on some levels he has the mentality of a small child--he still vehemently believes in santa--but he also has a strong sense of what is right and wrong. cussing and littering are wrong. being rude is wrong--although he burps and farts at will with no shame.
he can read a bit and he loves painting and participates in art shows. he loves movies, especially horror movies, and has his dvd collection alphabetized. he interacts with people, although i don't think he likes being around a lot of people or having too much stimulation.
being with him this weekend gave me a tiny glimpse of what life must have been like for my aunt and uncle--a couple who, at one time, i could not stand. my uncle was in the navy and my dad was in the army so we did not always live within visiting distance of them, but over the years we did bump into each other. when i was in high school and we were in germany, they were too. we saw them those years more frequently and that's when i really didn't like them much. my aunt was a raging alcoholic. i remember one time when they were visiting i got up one morning and she was drinking gin for breakfast. when i was in college my aunt and uncle were separated and my aunt was living near my grandma. her drinking was really, really bad then. so bad that my grandma had her committed to rehab. i think that was when she started turning herself around.
she and my uncle got back together (they'd separated a few times over the years and even once got divorced and remarried) and she has been sober for at least 15 years and i am always amazed at how much she and my uncle have changed their lives. they have another son, who is 5 years younger than me, and is perhaps as big a fuck up as my sister was. he's been in jail, drugs, dui, theft, etc. he's floated from job to job--yes, he even worked in the carnival. he's now in cooking school in california.
the rock moved into a group home several years ago and really seems to be thriving. he goes to school three days a week, goes to art classes on friday and the weekends he doesn't come home he hangs out with his friends. he loves going to subway and the evil empire (which is what we did w/ him today). he didn't want to go on the road trip w/ my aunt and uncle--he doesn't like the outdoors and traveling like that. he has said though, that if they indeed end up moving out of state he might move with them.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
hump day bullets
* remember the job i didn't want? i am more convinced than ever that it's not the one for me. when i left that mtg they told me i'd hear from them that day or monday. monday i got an email from her saying she'd be "out of pocket" for a few days and would contact me thursday. (last thursday). i have still not heard from her. really? how unprofessional is that? good thing i wasn't really excited and wanting that job or anything.
*remember when i was whining about the story that got written w/out me? well, friday night one of my industry friends called me and told me that the retailer basically had to write his own story and he was none too happy about it. she built up my ego by telling me the magazine is for shit since i left and it just isn't the same. she's the same retailer that used to blog for the magazine and promptly quit to show her anger at my being laid off : ) of course life goes on but it is nice to know someone feels so strongly about it. i really am over it.
*sometimes i forget if i've posted something here or on fb so forgive me if you've heard this before. the girl has garnered great success in the last week. she's been invited to take the sat/act in 7th grade from a university. she also got first chair for viola in orchestra. i posted this on fb and so did she. day before yesterday my mom pulled her weekly/bi-weekly send out an email to see what's going on thing so i told her about the girl's accomplishments. less than an hour later one of my aunts posted a comment on the girl's fb page congratulating her and saying she got the news from her grandma. so, my mom didn't have time (and still hasn't mind you) to call her grand daughter to congratulate her, but she had time to email her contacts to tell them the news so she could keep up this facade of being a doting, in the know grandma. it flew all the fuck all over me.
i told the hubs about it. the hubs has been stewing over things concerning my mom/parents for awhile now. i did not tell him to ignite anything, just because i was pissed and needed to vent. i launched something though. he spent the evening crafting a very well written, well thought out email to my mom. in a nut shell his issue w/ her is that she acts (and has for years) as if she has two grandkids (my sister's kids) and not 6 (now 7 since sis had another baby). the favoritism is obvious to everyone. her excuse has always been that my sister was a single parent and needed the help, but the favoritism has continued since my sister's been married. my kids see it. they feel it. anyway---i'm sure this is going to start something in the family, but frankly i just don't care. i'm so very tired of my mom hiding behind her martyr shield and doling out excuses.
*remember when i was whining about the story that got written w/out me? well, friday night one of my industry friends called me and told me that the retailer basically had to write his own story and he was none too happy about it. she built up my ego by telling me the magazine is for shit since i left and it just isn't the same. she's the same retailer that used to blog for the magazine and promptly quit to show her anger at my being laid off : ) of course life goes on but it is nice to know someone feels so strongly about it. i really am over it.
*sometimes i forget if i've posted something here or on fb so forgive me if you've heard this before. the girl has garnered great success in the last week. she's been invited to take the sat/act in 7th grade from a university. she also got first chair for viola in orchestra. i posted this on fb and so did she. day before yesterday my mom pulled her weekly/bi-weekly send out an email to see what's going on thing so i told her about the girl's accomplishments. less than an hour later one of my aunts posted a comment on the girl's fb page congratulating her and saying she got the news from her grandma. so, my mom didn't have time (and still hasn't mind you) to call her grand daughter to congratulate her, but she had time to email her contacts to tell them the news so she could keep up this facade of being a doting, in the know grandma. it flew all the fuck all over me.
i told the hubs about it. the hubs has been stewing over things concerning my mom/parents for awhile now. i did not tell him to ignite anything, just because i was pissed and needed to vent. i launched something though. he spent the evening crafting a very well written, well thought out email to my mom. in a nut shell his issue w/ her is that she acts (and has for years) as if she has two grandkids (my sister's kids) and not 6 (now 7 since sis had another baby). the favoritism is obvious to everyone. her excuse has always been that my sister was a single parent and needed the help, but the favoritism has continued since my sister's been married. my kids see it. they feel it. anyway---i'm sure this is going to start something in the family, but frankly i just don't care. i'm so very tired of my mom hiding behind her martyr shield and doling out excuses.
Monday, September 21, 2009
re...
....connecting. sometimes i get a bit....damn, i can't think of the word, holier-than-thou?, smug? uppity? about the fact that i think the hubs and i have great communication compared to a lot of couples. but to be honest, we have to work at it just like anyone else. for the last several weeks or so we have been off. not off as in an arguing, disliking way, just off. not on the same page. of course we talked to each other, but we didn't TALK to each other, if that makes sense. this happens from time to time. each wanders off in their own mind, pondering their thoughts and maybe it's just a few of the threads that tie us together that fall by the wayside, but it's still noticeable. towards the end of the week and over the weekend i feel like we reconnected. we talked/listened more. we got on the same page. when we have these renewals i feel like i've fallen in love with him all over again. or better yet, have deepened our love. i don't think you are ever IN love w/ someone 100% of the time. you love that person all the time, but the feeling of intimacy, warmth, glowing, happy IN love is cyclical. at least i think so. thoughts?
a lot of the stress that causes this disconnection comes from my not having a job. i think, aside from the worry of finding a job and feeling responsible for putting our family through this, i have had it much easier than the hubs. he carries the stress of being the employed one, of handling the finances, of worrying about the big picture/future/college/retirement. i get that. and, he's in a job that hasn't given raises in forfuckingever and it's increasingly stressful and difficult. while he's dealt w/ all of that i feel like i've grown closer to my kids, emptied a lot of the stress from my life, found a peacefulness and hopefulness i didn't used to have and have realized i am someone even if i don't have a 9-5 job.
******
....joicing. we went to an engagement party for my dear friend sweet t this weekend. i could not be happier for her and her fiancee. sweet t really deserves a good guy, someone who will treat her well, respect her, make her laugh, share her burdens, and i think she's found the perfect one. this is the first time i've ever been to an engagement party. i also have never, and probably will never, be a bride's maid. isn't that odd?
we're also rejoicing (although that's probably not the best choice of words) in the fact that the girl has been invited by duke u. to join a program to take the act/sat in 7th grade because of her outstanding academics. i am so proud! i realize this does not guarantee a scholarship (not that she's ever mentioned wanting to go to duke) but it is such an outstanding honor.
a lot of the stress that causes this disconnection comes from my not having a job. i think, aside from the worry of finding a job and feeling responsible for putting our family through this, i have had it much easier than the hubs. he carries the stress of being the employed one, of handling the finances, of worrying about the big picture/future/college/retirement. i get that. and, he's in a job that hasn't given raises in forfuckingever and it's increasingly stressful and difficult. while he's dealt w/ all of that i feel like i've grown closer to my kids, emptied a lot of the stress from my life, found a peacefulness and hopefulness i didn't used to have and have realized i am someone even if i don't have a 9-5 job.
******
....joicing. we went to an engagement party for my dear friend sweet t this weekend. i could not be happier for her and her fiancee. sweet t really deserves a good guy, someone who will treat her well, respect her, make her laugh, share her burdens, and i think she's found the perfect one. this is the first time i've ever been to an engagement party. i also have never, and probably will never, be a bride's maid. isn't that odd?
we're also rejoicing (although that's probably not the best choice of words) in the fact that the girl has been invited by duke u. to join a program to take the act/sat in 7th grade because of her outstanding academics. i am so proud! i realize this does not guarantee a scholarship (not that she's ever mentioned wanting to go to duke) but it is such an outstanding honor.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
don't look back
today i made the mistake of peeking at my former employer's web site only to see something i'd been working on for years come to fruition. one of my responsibilities was interviewing retailers and writing cover stories about their businesses. as soon as i took the job there was one retailer in particular that everyone talked about, who was highly respected/liked in the industry and i thought would make a great cover. although i built a great relationship w/ said retailer, he was always adamant about not being on the cover. at our conference this spring (prior to being laid off) he FINALLY (after 3 yrs) agreed to be a cover story for a big issue this fall. i was thrilled. i suppose i thought once i left he wouldn't do it, since he's a very private person and said it was my perseverance and personality that won him over (along w/ prompting from some of our common industry friends).
now the story is done--not a cover story, but a story. it is written by the person who took over my other old job at a sister publication. so very surreal to see that. i couldn't bring myself to read the story.
when i first got laid off i followed the magazine on twitter and checked the web site almost hourly. i was obsessed and hurt and wanted to see what was going on in my absence. months ago i stopped checking in. it just didn't matter to me any more. no idea why i looked today, other than it's a big week (trade show-wise) for that industry and some of my friends on fb have been commenting about it. it's the first time in about 7 yrs that i've not been to this season of trade shows. granted, i do not miss all the travel i used to do. but, i do miss the friends i'd made and being in the loop.
now the story is done--not a cover story, but a story. it is written by the person who took over my other old job at a sister publication. so very surreal to see that. i couldn't bring myself to read the story.
when i first got laid off i followed the magazine on twitter and checked the web site almost hourly. i was obsessed and hurt and wanted to see what was going on in my absence. months ago i stopped checking in. it just didn't matter to me any more. no idea why i looked today, other than it's a big week (trade show-wise) for that industry and some of my friends on fb have been commenting about it. it's the first time in about 7 yrs that i've not been to this season of trade shows. granted, i do not miss all the travel i used to do. but, i do miss the friends i'd made and being in the loop.
much ado about nothing
here's a bit of randomness brought to you courtesy of ck's brain:
- the hubs used to read the blog w/ some regularity and then i think he got bored and quit. last night he asked me about the tmi report and if i was fudging the numbers. i KNEW i would eventually get that question from him. when it comes to sex he has short term memory loss (i think this is the same for most guys). if it hasn't happened in the last 24 hours they think it has been months. i assured him that the numbers were correct.
- the boy has started taking karate lessons. i think this will be great for him, but damn, add another expense to the budget. and, holy hell, he needs a CUP. i've never bought a cup. where do you find such things? he doesn't even like to wear underwear--how in the world will we get him to wear a cup?
- last friday i went on a job interview, was excited, then not (see previous post on the letters). monday morning the woman emailed me, thanking me for coming in and telling me she's be "out of pocket" until the end of this week. strange. i'm not quite sure what to make of that at all.
- my aunt and uncle who live in this vicinity are on an incredible road trip. they have basically retired (my aunt is in her early 50s and uncle in his mid 60s---but honestly they act about 10 yrs younger) and are travelling the country in their rv. it's amazing. i told her she should start a blog about her travels, but i'm sure she won't. they'll return around the first of november, stay through jan and then put their house on the market and move. possibly to arizona, or who knows where. part of me is jealous for their freedom and ability to live/enjoy life like they are, but, it is certainly something they've worked for and deserve.
- the other day the boy and i were going somewhere and as we were getting in the car he turned to me and said thank you. i said, for what? he said, because you take care of the house and go to the grocery store while we're at school. yes, my cup runneth over at that.
- the girl has decided she wants to try out for cheerleading. i cringe as i write that. not to offend any of you who were cheerleaders, but i've never had a good impression of them--based solely on my high school years and the drama queens who were cheerleaders. she says she's just doing this to humor one of her friends who doesn't want to try out alone, but last night she admitted that half of her would like to make the squad. granted, she's never cheered, seen cheerleaders in action or done anything remotely like this.
- i watched 18 kids & counting and kloe & kourtney take miami last night. i've seen them both a few times and have to admit both shows intrigue me for different reasons. i used to watch jon & kate, but frankly kate's bitchiness and the fact that they were always getting free stuff turned me off of the show. w/ the 18 kids, there is a more positive vibe going on, whether that's real or not who knows. i cannot even begin to imagine that many children in the span of 25 yrs. i asked the hubs what he'd think if i told him we were expecting #19 and he said, hell, if you told me right now we were expecting #3 i'd puke. the k&k show just amazes me for its trashiness. i keep thinking, omg if those were my daughters how ashamed i'd be. but still, i watch it.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
dear....
dear aussie,
i have been a loyal customer for years. you lured me into buying your product w/ your lovely purple packaging and pleasant smell. you kept me as a loyal patron because i love how your products make my hair feel. we use so much of your shampoo and conditioner that i buy the huge bottles. i've never done that w/ other shampoos and conditioners. i also love, love love your catch the wave leave in mousse conditioner. it is the only mousse i've ever found that does not leave my hair feeling crunchy. i love it. i am not, however, pleased at all that you have changed your mousse from the squat, fat 8 oz. container to the long, sleek 6.8 oz container--for the same price. you are not the most expensive hair care products, but you also are not the 99 cent white rains or suaves of the world. i bought this long, sleek less product version tonight, but, i think i will be shopping around for another product to love.
disappointedly yours,
a once very loyal customer
*******************
dear company i interviewed w/ on friday,
please do not offer me this job. i think i briefly lost my mind in the throes of the moment when we were talking friday and i was excited about the possibility of having a steady income again. however, after replaying the meeting over again in my mind, i don't think it's going to work. the fact that you couldn't really even tell me what the job title was or concisely describe exactly what you were looking for gives me pause. i am also concerned that in the 10 yrs you've been in business you've gone from 20 employees to 5. you tell me this is not because you've laid anyone off, which is a good thing. but why did 15 of your employees leave? you have an incredibly luxurious office space, complete w/ a fountain in your lobby and everything, but it kind of freaked me out to see all of the dark offices and the fact that you told me you'd probably have to let some of that over-priced storage area go soon. explaining to me that you are very successful at keeping customers once you get them is great, but following that with you struggle with getting new business, not so great. telling me that you do not give a lot of direction is fine, but when that translates to no direction at all and you're sure of the direction you're heading just not how you're going to get there--also not fine. telling me that if i did come to work there would mean i'd have to quit freelancing, not really something i wanted to hear.
your offices are nice but my drive to work would be double what it used to be and would mean putting my kids back in daycare. you are a very nice woman, but your inability to clearly define the job and what i can expect from it, and you, leave me feeling skittish.
sincerely,
the woman who needs a job, just not this job
dear chamber of commerce,
i sent you my resume and application two weeks ago. i understand that this week you are finally reviewing all of the applications. please call me in for an interview and be so incredibly impressed that you offer me a job on the spot. i want this job, and i don't even know exactly what all it entails. working in the town i live in would be so convenient. i think we'd even let the kids stay home alone after school since if need be i could be home in 5-10 mins. plus, for some reason i really like the idea of working for my town, about the possibility of working towards something that would improve it. i like the idea of getting more involved in my town and making connections that could potentially lead to more freelance work. i think it would be something completely different from anything i've ever done and that possibility excites me. granted, the money would be less than what i was making, possibly less than what the lady above might have paid me, but i really want this job.
sincerely,
waiting on a call
i have been a loyal customer for years. you lured me into buying your product w/ your lovely purple packaging and pleasant smell. you kept me as a loyal patron because i love how your products make my hair feel. we use so much of your shampoo and conditioner that i buy the huge bottles. i've never done that w/ other shampoos and conditioners. i also love, love love your catch the wave leave in mousse conditioner. it is the only mousse i've ever found that does not leave my hair feeling crunchy. i love it. i am not, however, pleased at all that you have changed your mousse from the squat, fat 8 oz. container to the long, sleek 6.8 oz container--for the same price. you are not the most expensive hair care products, but you also are not the 99 cent white rains or suaves of the world. i bought this long, sleek less product version tonight, but, i think i will be shopping around for another product to love.
disappointedly yours,
a once very loyal customer
*******************
dear company i interviewed w/ on friday,
please do not offer me this job. i think i briefly lost my mind in the throes of the moment when we were talking friday and i was excited about the possibility of having a steady income again. however, after replaying the meeting over again in my mind, i don't think it's going to work. the fact that you couldn't really even tell me what the job title was or concisely describe exactly what you were looking for gives me pause. i am also concerned that in the 10 yrs you've been in business you've gone from 20 employees to 5. you tell me this is not because you've laid anyone off, which is a good thing. but why did 15 of your employees leave? you have an incredibly luxurious office space, complete w/ a fountain in your lobby and everything, but it kind of freaked me out to see all of the dark offices and the fact that you told me you'd probably have to let some of that over-priced storage area go soon. explaining to me that you are very successful at keeping customers once you get them is great, but following that with you struggle with getting new business, not so great. telling me that you do not give a lot of direction is fine, but when that translates to no direction at all and you're sure of the direction you're heading just not how you're going to get there--also not fine. telling me that if i did come to work there would mean i'd have to quit freelancing, not really something i wanted to hear.
your offices are nice but my drive to work would be double what it used to be and would mean putting my kids back in daycare. you are a very nice woman, but your inability to clearly define the job and what i can expect from it, and you, leave me feeling skittish.
sincerely,
the woman who needs a job, just not this job
dear chamber of commerce,
i sent you my resume and application two weeks ago. i understand that this week you are finally reviewing all of the applications. please call me in for an interview and be so incredibly impressed that you offer me a job on the spot. i want this job, and i don't even know exactly what all it entails. working in the town i live in would be so convenient. i think we'd even let the kids stay home alone after school since if need be i could be home in 5-10 mins. plus, for some reason i really like the idea of working for my town, about the possibility of working towards something that would improve it. i like the idea of getting more involved in my town and making connections that could potentially lead to more freelance work. i think it would be something completely different from anything i've ever done and that possibility excites me. granted, the money would be less than what i was making, possibly less than what the lady above might have paid me, but i really want this job.
sincerely,
waiting on a call
Thursday, September 10, 2009
open windows
(not my window)i shut off the air and opened the windows for the first time this FALL. did i tell you i love fall? yes, well, i do.
lots of things have been running through my brain lately...another opening of windows i guess you'd say.
as some of you may know i am not very close to my sister. there are myriad reasons, most of which are because of her life choices in the past and all of the heartache it brought. i love her and i suppose you could say we are on good terms. i am not hateful or mean to her. i just don't call her up and say hey, lets get together. we are not close. a couple of weeks ago when the family was over here for the hubs' bday the siblings sat around talking after my parents left.
i think for the first time in her life my sister is seeing my mom in a light my brother and i have seen her in for a long time. she is manipulative and controlling and selfish. granted, she has more than stepped in a million times to clean up all of my sister's messes. it would be safe to say that w/out my mom, who knows where my sister and her children would be. however, since getting married and increasing her family (my newest nephew was born yesterday! 9/9/09. he's a whopping 10lbs 1oz and loads and loads of black hair) she is trying to put some distance between herself and my mom and my mom is fighting it tooth and nail.
i don't know what this means really. it doesn't change how much i like my sister. but, after our sibling talk i do think that some of these tangled issues i thought were because of her were actually more because of my mom. big surprise there.
another open window--i have a job interview tomorrow. i don't even really know what the job is for, just that this company that i'm familiar with is looking for someone with my skill set. i am not going to get my hopes up. it could be for nothing. maybe the pay is minuscule. maybe the travel is too much. maybe the job is stupid. we'll see tomorrow.
i also have been thinking about my relationship with my parents lately. for several years i have had a cordial relationship w/ them. i wrote a post over the weekend and chickened out and deleted it, though a couple of you saw it, which is totally fine, i guess i just am trying to figure out what it is i really want to say.
the hubs and i have talked recently about our parents and how we deal with them--mostly this involves him keeping his mouth shut about things his dad does and taking ambiguous pop shots at my folks that go right over their heads. i deal with it by not saying much at all and distancing myself as much as possible. however, the hubs talked to his dad a few days ago and mentioned that he should not take his silence as an acceptance of everything that's happened.
i've always told the hubs not to rock the boat w/ his dad because if worse came to worse he'd regret things he said and regret the lack of any relationship if it came to that. (i'm soooo fucking passive aggressive it's not even funny. stick your head in the sand, it's much easier that way--but then, at some point, i think you start choking on the sand and die.) the hub's thoughts are if your relationships aren't great now and keeping silent is eating you up inside, why not let it out, speak your mind and see what happens. it's not like you have a lot to lose right? so, i've been turning that over in my head too. forgiveness, openness, exposure. these are things that have been tumbling around in my head.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
hope, a baby, sex and wings
through the grapevine i heard about a job possibility and today i emailed the company. it is a pr company i've worked w/ in the past through various jobs so i know the ceo. i emailed her today and sometime this week she wants me to come in and talk w/ her about a job : ) i am trying, desperately not to get my hopes up, but i can't help it. i'm crossing my fingers.
****************
the girl heard the president's speech today and was less than impressed. she said it took him 18 minutes to basically tell them they weren't going to be famous, the president, a nobel prize winner or a rap star so stay in school. the girl said, thanks for crushing our dreams.
****************
tomorrow my sister is going in for a c-section to deliver my newest nephew. despite the fact that she's not my favorite person i can't help being excited. a BABY : )
***************
the hubs came home early today and while the kids were watching wizards of waverly place we locked the bedroom door. whew. sometimes you just have to steal those moments.
***************
since i've been laid off we have cut back considerable on going out to eat. tonight we're going out for wings. yum.
***************
hotch potchery was kind enough to send me "my sister's keeper." i started it saturday morning and finished it sunday night. it was an amazing story. really amazing. i know they made a movie about it too but i don't think i want to see it, even on dvd. if you haven't read it and would like to email me your address and i'll pass it along. great, great read!
****************
the girl heard the president's speech today and was less than impressed. she said it took him 18 minutes to basically tell them they weren't going to be famous, the president, a nobel prize winner or a rap star so stay in school. the girl said, thanks for crushing our dreams.
****************
tomorrow my sister is going in for a c-section to deliver my newest nephew. despite the fact that she's not my favorite person i can't help being excited. a BABY : )
***************
the hubs came home early today and while the kids were watching wizards of waverly place we locked the bedroom door. whew. sometimes you just have to steal those moments.
***************
since i've been laid off we have cut back considerable on going out to eat. tonight we're going out for wings. yum.
***************
hotch potchery was kind enough to send me "my sister's keeper." i started it saturday morning and finished it sunday night. it was an amazing story. really amazing. i know they made a movie about it too but i don't think i want to see it, even on dvd. if you haven't read it and would like to email me your address and i'll pass it along. great, great read!
Monday, September 7, 2009
Sunday, September 6, 2009
not really mini-me
since the day she was born people have said the girl looks just like me. when the boy came along they said it was obvious the boy and girl were brother and sister, they look so much a like. sometimes people called the boy little heidi--obviously he didn't like that.
people don't say that so much now about the boy looking like me, but the family resemblance is still there. people do still comment, often, on how much the girl looks like me. this makes me proud every time i hear it, but i think the girl is over it. she rolls her eyes and doesn't really say anything.
when we look at pictures of me (or my dad's sister) and the girl as toddlers, young children, it is amazing how much we look alike. an outsider looking at them couldn't distinguish the three of us, and sometimes i can only because of the setting or background of the pic.
thursday i realized the girl looks NOTHING like what i looked like when i was in 7th grade. quite simply she is beautiful. it was picture day at school--yes, already, two weeks in and a picture day--so she didn't have to wear s.m.o.d. clothes (standard mode of dress=semi uniform) and she wore a dress. she asked me to apply her makeup. and curl her hair.
last year we gave her permission to wear SOME makeup. she did for a couple of days and then lost interest. she has fine, straight hair and longs for curls (heh, i didn't get my curls until after i had kids so she's got a while to wait) so i tried to use the curling iron. it has been decades since i used a curling iron. they really are one of the most dangerous household items--long, hot, metal heated tube? of course i burned myself a little.
anyway--when we were done i looked at her and almost cried. i see the beauty in her every day, the freckles, the chocolate brown eyes, the long eye lashes, the little scar above her eye from a long-gone cat--but thursday i saw the beauty that will be.
it may always be obvious that she is my daughter, but she is much more beautiful. and i say that with pride and awe not jealousy. she is thin and shapely and might end up taller than me. i'm glad for this.
people don't say that so much now about the boy looking like me, but the family resemblance is still there. people do still comment, often, on how much the girl looks like me. this makes me proud every time i hear it, but i think the girl is over it. she rolls her eyes and doesn't really say anything.
when we look at pictures of me (or my dad's sister) and the girl as toddlers, young children, it is amazing how much we look alike. an outsider looking at them couldn't distinguish the three of us, and sometimes i can only because of the setting or background of the pic.
thursday i realized the girl looks NOTHING like what i looked like when i was in 7th grade. quite simply she is beautiful. it was picture day at school--yes, already, two weeks in and a picture day--so she didn't have to wear s.m.o.d. clothes (standard mode of dress=semi uniform) and she wore a dress. she asked me to apply her makeup. and curl her hair.
last year we gave her permission to wear SOME makeup. she did for a couple of days and then lost interest. she has fine, straight hair and longs for curls (heh, i didn't get my curls until after i had kids so she's got a while to wait) so i tried to use the curling iron. it has been decades since i used a curling iron. they really are one of the most dangerous household items--long, hot, metal heated tube? of course i burned myself a little.
anyway--when we were done i looked at her and almost cried. i see the beauty in her every day, the freckles, the chocolate brown eyes, the long eye lashes, the little scar above her eye from a long-gone cat--but thursday i saw the beauty that will be.
it may always be obvious that she is my daughter, but she is much more beautiful. and i say that with pride and awe not jealousy. she is thin and shapely and might end up taller than me. i'm glad for this.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
the ultimatum
drollgirl has yet again inspired a post. she wrote this on ultimatums asking if you've ever given them in a relationship and what your thoughts are about them.
in my experience, ultimatums are given when the person has reached the end of their rope. they can't find a way to compromise, they can't find a way to talk it out or talk through it or otherwise solve whatever has caused the ultimatum. i'm sure i've given ultimatums in anger to the hubs and to the kids, but i would have nothing without an ultimatum given me 18 years ago.
some of you may know this story already, if so, go watch julie & julia while i tell this because my friend big t and i saw this yesterday and omg it is awesome and i want to learn to cook even though i hate cooking and i had no idea how interesting julia childs' life was. ok. so, for those of you still here (still, go see the movie sometime, it's worth it).
unkay--mini-background: the hubs and i started dating my sophomore year in high school and continued dating (off and on because i would break up w/ him whenever i had a crush on someone else, though i never dated anyone else) until my first year in college. that year i was an INCREDIBLE bitch to him and basically told him i was a smarty pants college girl now and i wanted to date other people and didn't want to date him but i loved him so could we still be friends? yeah. and, crazy man that he is, he remained my friend. we were thousands of miles apart but we talked on the phone all the time. he was still my best friend. he "dated" other people. i "dated" other people. i say "dated" because it sounds better than we hooked up with other people.
every once in awhile we'd be in the same state or near enough to visit each other. from my freshman year to my senior year we probably saw each other a handful of times. we were still close. we still talked all the time. i graduated college and moved to nc. he was in ok. we kept up this long distance friendship still. i could never imagine him not being in my life. i just couldn't. then, one night in jan-feb, 1991 after another multi hour phone call he said to me--i can't do this any more. i can't just be your friend. we either have to try to make us work as a couple or we need to end this. those weren't his exact words (my memory sucks) but he gave me an ultimatum.
i didn't even really have to think much about it. i knew i could not go through life not speaking to him again. knowing what he was doing. having him in my life. i knew i loved him, i'd always loved him. a couple of months later he and his brother drove across country to fetch me. me and my little beagle puppy. and my falling apart gold chevette w/ bald tires. we hadn't seen each other for more than a year. i packed all of my stuff into the chevette, including the beagle, and we drove back to oklahoma. we moved there because he had a good job (at that time) and i was waiting tables and trying to figure out what i was supposed to do after graduating college. we lived in a tiny, tiny apartment and it was the best ultimatum i was ever given.
would he actually have stopped calling me? i don't know. but i do know that i wasn't willing to take that chance. and it was the most important decision of my life.
in my experience, ultimatums are given when the person has reached the end of their rope. they can't find a way to compromise, they can't find a way to talk it out or talk through it or otherwise solve whatever has caused the ultimatum. i'm sure i've given ultimatums in anger to the hubs and to the kids, but i would have nothing without an ultimatum given me 18 years ago.
some of you may know this story already, if so, go watch julie & julia while i tell this because my friend big t and i saw this yesterday and omg it is awesome and i want to learn to cook even though i hate cooking and i had no idea how interesting julia childs' life was. ok. so, for those of you still here (still, go see the movie sometime, it's worth it).
unkay--mini-background: the hubs and i started dating my sophomore year in high school and continued dating (off and on because i would break up w/ him whenever i had a crush on someone else, though i never dated anyone else) until my first year in college. that year i was an INCREDIBLE bitch to him and basically told him i was a smarty pants college girl now and i wanted to date other people and didn't want to date him but i loved him so could we still be friends? yeah. and, crazy man that he is, he remained my friend. we were thousands of miles apart but we talked on the phone all the time. he was still my best friend. he "dated" other people. i "dated" other people. i say "dated" because it sounds better than we hooked up with other people.
every once in awhile we'd be in the same state or near enough to visit each other. from my freshman year to my senior year we probably saw each other a handful of times. we were still close. we still talked all the time. i graduated college and moved to nc. he was in ok. we kept up this long distance friendship still. i could never imagine him not being in my life. i just couldn't. then, one night in jan-feb, 1991 after another multi hour phone call he said to me--i can't do this any more. i can't just be your friend. we either have to try to make us work as a couple or we need to end this. those weren't his exact words (my memory sucks) but he gave me an ultimatum.
i didn't even really have to think much about it. i knew i could not go through life not speaking to him again. knowing what he was doing. having him in my life. i knew i loved him, i'd always loved him. a couple of months later he and his brother drove across country to fetch me. me and my little beagle puppy. and my falling apart gold chevette w/ bald tires. we hadn't seen each other for more than a year. i packed all of my stuff into the chevette, including the beagle, and we drove back to oklahoma. we moved there because he had a good job (at that time) and i was waiting tables and trying to figure out what i was supposed to do after graduating college. we lived in a tiny, tiny apartment and it was the best ultimatum i was ever given.
would he actually have stopped calling me? i don't know. but i do know that i wasn't willing to take that chance. and it was the most important decision of my life.
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