now they know

ok, so i put on my big girl panties today and went in to talk to my big boss about the disastrous meeting friday and the fact that he put my boss in charge of my conference. for those of you who know me in real life, you know this in itself was a hurdle because i so do not do confrontation well and i really really really do not know how to play the corporate game or even fake it.

with my old boss (whom i'm beginning to miss more and more) when i had an issue i'd go into her office, bitch, cry and let it ok and be ok. very unprofessional but she kept me anyway.

for the record i did not cry during this meeting but it did take an ass load of effort.

i voiced my opinion, tried to state my case without sounding like i was making excuses and though the outcome did not go as i would have liked i think things are ok. they are not good but i am not getting fired.

i'll try not to rehash every word of it but in essence he said that i have some growing to do in my position. he loved me in my previous position, thought i was strong under my old boss. he does not see that in me in this position. he admitted that they threw me into this job that was probably more than i realized at the time and basically leave me alone until it's conference time and then they come in and panic and poke a stick at me and hound me and it's not fair to me. duh. he also said i freak him out because sometimes (like w/ our redesign and when i banged the gong for journalism) i come in there all confident and sure of myself and professional and then we have meetings like friday where i act like a kid that comes into class without their homework done. he said my inconsistency scares him. helllllloooooo, welcome to my world dude. he said i need to have tougher skin because this is business. he said he is still confident that i can grow into this position (though i need to stop asking if i'm getting fired or he will fire me) but that i do have some growing to do.

soooo....what does this mean? it means i'm not getting fired but that i need to step up my game with the confidence. i need to be professional. dear lord i don't even know how to go about doing that.

i naively thought this little quirk of mine would at some point endear me to my bosses. that i was not corporate like but that that was a breath of fresh air. hmmm....apparently not so. i thought i'd show my strength by going in to talk to him today, that that's what he wanted all along, for me to stand up and talk to him about it, but alas no. lesson learned.

i'm not eating worms (as the hubs would say) just reflecting---i have come face to face with a lot of things i don't like about myself these last several weeks. the procrastination, the lack of confidence and i guess it's time for me to face these things and stop burying my head in the sand. perhaps i'm going through a growth spurt? : ) much like kids do. and, i guess it really is true that we never stop learning, growing, etc. and in fact though i thought i was done indeed i am not. i can see you may not be following me. it's like a cake. i thought i was done and decorated and sitting on the bakery shelf. apparently i just came out of the oven and have a few more steps to go. ok, that was incredibly lame but i've got too much to do this evening to try to fix that metaphor.

donut and i leave tomorrow for atlanta. though i hate going out of town right now, i am looking forward to hanging out with my sister/friend : ) even if it is only to trade the crossword puzzle back and forth as we veg out and watch tv after a long day at the show. you know you're in tune with someone when you can sit in comfortable silence for hours at a time and share a crossword.

maybe we will do a tag team blog, live from hotlanta : )

if i don't have time to blog cos i'm being all business like and professional, try not to trash the place while i'm gone. and start thinking about tips to give me on how to become more tough skinned and professional. lord you'd think growing up w/ my dad my skin would be ultra tough, but no.