it's been a long time

i feel like i have five hours worth of stuff to share with you but frankly it would probably bore you to death.

we had a pretty great christmas. the families came over here christmas eve day. my parents went overboard with the gifts to the grandkids. my surprise went over ok, i think i was more excited about it than anyone else to be honest. but that's ok...the excitement of it lifted me through the day. i got a plain white coffee cup and some sharpies and wrote up this little thing about the cup being full of good wishes, etc. the owner of the cup keeps it and uses it for a year, signs their name and the year on the cup and next year has to pass it along. i wrapped a ton of boxes inside each other and each grown up took turns unwrapping until they got to the end---and that person got the cup. it was my brother-in-law. the one who never, ever fucking speaks. ok, so it's christmas, be nice. the hubs says he doesn't speak because he doesn't like any of us.

now that both kids admit to not believing in santa the "magic" of christmas is gone, if you will. yes, i know the reason for the season, but there's a special sparkle around when people believe in santa. it wasn't here this year. the girl got the boy up at midnight (after we'd gone to bed) and they stayed up until 5:30 am when they woke us up. all of that time they spent together without fighting or arguing. i woke up twice, once i thought the boy was sleeptalking (which he does) and i listened for a few minutes and went back to sleep; at 3am i got up and stood at my bedroom door, wondering what my kids were doing, but they were being quite and not arguing so i went back to bed. that is probably the last time since that day that they have spent more than an hour not arguing.

we got a white christmas and it's still here. so pretty. christmas day we stayed in our pjs all day and because of the snow we didn't go to my mom's for dinner. we had no dinner plans so it was whatever you could find for dinner. i'll have to work on that for next year. i never really plan anything for dinner on christmas day.

the next day we played outside, built a snowman, went sledding...the hubs shoveled the long assed driveway. all in all (aside from the shoveling) it was good.

the kids are off all this week so my challenge will be entertaining them. today we're going to the movies w/ my sil and the kids. yogi bear. i can't say as i've been dying to see this movie.

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i have been having the loopiest dreams this week. i only remember bits and pieces. i dreamt that the girl went off to college (right now, at almost 14 yrs old) in europe because she couldn't wait to get away from me. at the very moment she told me (she was riding by me on a scooter with her friend) i was looking for my purse because it had all of our money in the whole world in it.

i also dreamt that the hubs and i worked for the same company. a huge, huge company. like microsoft size or something. i went into work after christmas vacation and had to wash some dishes in one of the executive's kitchens. i was in there, chatting with my friends and adam from mythbusters was taking a shower. he got out, got dressed and then started hitting on me. my nephew was sitting at the kids' table in the corner. so freaking weird.

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about a week ago my former publisher, ditto, called me. for those of you who've been reading awhile, i've mentioned her before. she is a self-centered, arrogant, troubled woman who talks about herself nonstop and thinks she's all that and a bag of chips. she got laid off the same day i did. she had a consulting gig for awhile, but got fired from that, but of course her side of the story was that the company is doing poorly and couldn't afford her, blah blah blah. she had sent me a message via a social media around thanksgiving asking if i could help her w/ her resume. i said i never received it. she said that was ok because since hers is an "executive" level resume i probably couldn't have written it anyway, since it wasn't a normal resume like mine. then she told me of this new gig she has and how her client (she's consulting for another manufacturer now) needs a blogger. she bragged about how much financial backing the company has and what great product, yada yada yada. she told me to send her a proposal for what i'd charge to blog. so i did. of course she has to present it like she could have offered this deal to any number of people but she wanted to help ME out. she's just doing this for ME. i sent her a proposal. she came back and said how the client doesn't have that much money and could i do it for less...and that she might have another blogging gig (i highly, highly doubt it) where she could get me the higher amount. i came off my price a smidge (i still don't think she'll go for it). we'll see. frankly, i don't want to work with her being the middleman on anything. i don't trust her at all and i certainly do not want to have to speak to her on any sort of regular basis.

a little less grinchee

despite the fact that my children do not share in my joy of christmas movies, i have managed to watch some this year.

i love the classics---miracle on 34th street (w/ natalie wood playing little susan), i watched it the other night. my favorite (which i haven't watched yet) is it's a wonderful life. i love love love this damn movie. and you know what? it wasn't even meant to be a christmas movie necessarily. i love all the bass & rankin shows from my childhood, rudolph, santa claus is coming to town, the year without a santa claus. and of course frosty. the hubs' favorite (and one we watch every year w/out fail) is the little drummer boy. i have a copy of jim henson's emmitt otter's jug band christmas--does anyone remember that one? it's never on any more. it's a gift of the magi theme...so good. we did watch the original christmas carol...the first ones always seem to be the best.

our more recent faves are the tim allen santa clause movies....they're all pretty good. and of course elf. seriously one of my new faves. and a christmas story (though i swear i didn't know that was made in 1983, i thought for sure it was older) and christmas vacation (these two are tied for my brother's faves i do believe).

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christmas eve everyone (my folks, sis and her family, bro and his family) usually come to our house. we've done it for several years and my kids count that as tradition. they were almost aghast when my mom suggested having it at her house this year. everyone will be here around 2 pm on christmas eve (accommodating work schedules and people who need to get home to play santa). i have surprises in store (which is one of the reasons i'm feeling a little better i think...i'm excited) which i will share w/ you after christmas as i know my sil reads this : )

grinchee

that's how i'm feeling. five days until christmas and i'm so not in the mood. i've been trying. really i have. we've decorated. i've finished shopping and mostly finished wrapping. and yet....here i sit, wondering when i'm going to get that inner peace/glow/burst of happiness.

the kids are off from school from now until the first of the year.

i am worried about money. i am worried about finding a job. i am really worried about that.

i am tired of hearing people say, everything happens for a reason. the right job will find you. really? 19 months is a fucking long time to wait. i send out resumes. i scour the ads and the internet.

yesterday we were watching an episode of mythbusters (i love those guys) and they were testing this idea from a movie where people can hang on to the edge of a building's ledge indefinitely. first the ledge was 2" wide; they hung on for about a minute and a half. they gradually decreased the width until it was 1/2 an inch. they couldn't even hold on for a second. that is how i'm feeling right now. like the ledge keeps getting smaller and smaller and it's not a matter of if, but when i will start freefalling. and i don't have a safety harness on.

purging

oof i need to get all of this dark ugly snarky hateful shit out of my system before i lose my shit. me thinks it be pms (though i've always hated using that as an excuse for anything, it makes me feel like a whiny bitch, but honestly, sometimes i can't think of what else makes me this way unless i lean towards the idea that i might just be a little crazy).

the girl takes after me in this regard. she's either also a bitch or she's pmsing this week too. she started the week pissed because there was no snow delay on monday. we had a dusting, small, dusting, over night. she griped all morning before she got on the bus, said the school board must live in georgia or somewhere and how could they force them to go to school. after school she was still pissed and added the fact that a boy she likes is dating someone else. ah...that's the real issue i think. she's had attitude all week. when she's happy...omg...she's as sweet as can be. when she's pissed....she's a bitch on wheels. i have to admit....she's more like me than we both care to admit.

it is coming down to the unemployment wire. i think that's contributing to the mood. i had to go down to the unemployment office yesterday...always a cheerful place let me assure you. i have 18 weeks left. then...nothing. no more tiers. no more money. nada. it's not like this is any surprise, but it still hit me like a ton of bricks and there is a certain amount of panic that is now simmering closer to the surface.

i also had to get my oil changed and car inspected. i sat there on pins and needles the whole time sure they were going to tell me my car needed elebenty billion dollars worth of work in order to pass inspection. my air bag light has been on forever, but really there is nothing else wrong w/ the car. nope, nothing wrong, it passed inspection. driving home i saw smoke in the sky. for a fleeting moment i thought my house was on fire and the four animals were toast. i have this thought more often than i care to admit since the house across the street had the fire.

my fil always sends us money for christmas. in years past we've divided it among the four of us; or we've bought the kids gifts w/ the money from him; or we've bought one big family gift. this year the hubs was more anxious about what will be done w/ the money. he thinks it might be his dad's last christmas i think. we haven't seen him in awhile. i think these things are playing on his mind, though he hasn't come right out and said it in so many words.

i read the book push. i only had a vague idea of what it was about before i started reading it. it's a powerful book. it is horrific and graphic. it is a book you may not want to read, but once you start...you just can't imagine. last night at the boy's karate class was the first time i talked to anyone about the book---the karate master's wife. she'd read it quite awhile ago and said it had the same impact on her. we both almost cried talking about it, but not really talking about it. i said i didn't know if i could watch the movie, precious, which is based on the book. she said the movie isn't as graphic, obviously, and it's not as harsh. i still don't know if i can watch it. i watched slumdog millionaire and it stuck with me. just like reading the kite runner stuck w/ me (i haven't seen the movie yet). all of these are dark. i also read another book this week, the weight of silence; it was about missing kids and an abusive father.

these books all have abuse running through them, in one way or another; verbal, physical, sexual. sometimes i wonder if i subconsciously am drawn to these books because if i read enough of them i will find some secret to dealing with it? hmmm...don't know.

the kids do have a snow day today---icy out there, though no snow. maybe we will do some baking or something. i need a shot of goodness. (although there is SOME goodness, my sil got a job today! i'm happy and excited for her....but really wish i had on too!)

surprise, surprise, surprise

tonight was filled with lots of surprises. we had to go to a dinner/party for the hubs' work. i think we were both sort of dreading it. i've talked before about his work...the company he works for basically blows. last year we missed the shindig because it was the same night as our own christmas party. we hadn't been to a work event in a few years.

the first surprise...we left the kids home alone. they've been home alone for about an hour at the most, during the day. this was their first evening alone. they did great. we were gone for probably 5-6 hours. we called them three times; the boy called us about four. i felt kinda bad because the girl had actually been home sick today (i took her to the dr...no strep, probably just a virus..she's on antibiotics; no fever, no coughing, just sore throat). the boy's loose tooth came out while we were gone. i think, for the most part, the boy stayed in the living room and the girl stayed in the den.

the second surprise...remember when i said my sil inadvertently found the boss's wife's blog? i said her blog was douchy? yeah...well, the blog is still too syrupy sweet for me...but the lucky sperm boy's wife? she's actually kinda cool. somehow we've never met. she cut loose at the dinner (did i mention martinis were flying? drinks were abundant?)...her husband (the hubs' boss, was a stick in the mud the whole time) but girlfriend was fun. she was friendly and funny...and she and one of one of the guys from the office actually did cartwheels in the parking lot after the dinner. in heels. well, she was in heels, not the guy. though, if they were his size he totally would have worn them. i was pleasantly surprised at how normal she was.

the evening itself was nice. it was good to get out and be w/ the hubs...just us, out among adults. i can't remember the last time that happened. we started the evening at the big boss's house. that part was kind of uncomfortable. it was six couples in all and aside from lucky sperm boy and his cool wife (who are younger) everyone else was much older than us. once we got to the restaurant for dinner it got better. the alcohol was flowing, the food was great, and our end of the table was having fun.

the third surprise...magic bullets don't actually work. or maybe mine doesn't work.