not the post you'd think today

i thought about posting one of those, where i was 10 years ago today posts, but i just can't do it right now. i've read a few, and there are even more comments about it on fb and i just....don't want to feel sad.

*****************
the cookout w/ the whole family last weekend was fine. empty. i told the hubs, it wasn't like when we get together w/ my bro/sil and the kids--happy, relaxing, fun, full of heart/love. i always look forward to any time we get to spend w/ them. i don't even think THEY know how much it means to me. but the cookout w/ the whole family...i actually dreaded it for days. i was not excited about it in any way. like any other time we all get together, it feels forced to me. it feels like we are all gathered out of obligation, not out of wanting to be w/ each other. the kids ran around playing as they always do, and, as always happens, my sister's middle child throws a wrench in things. he is a cute boy. if he changes his attitude and habits he will be a heart breaker some day. but--he is a tattle tale and a whiner and a sneak and a liar. granted, he's only in 1st grade, but my kids and my other nephew struggle to get along w/ him. my sister is also strange in that she doesn't let her kids do anything. my kids and my bro's kids (to include little puddin' who is 3) rough house and wrestle--my sister's kids are not allowed to do this. i was surprised that she let them play out in the yard w/ nerf guns (she doesn't permit gun/death play). i don't get this--how did she grow up in the same house i did? whatever. my mom did not go out of her way to interact with the grandkids--she asked for their birthday/christmas lists--further promoting the idea in my kids' heads that she's not there to love you, talk to you, care about you, just to give you stuff. she fb from my patio that she was enjoying the day w/ her kids and grandkids (all for the benefit of her sisters i'm sure).

**********************

I am beginning to realize that this may actually be all there is to my job. Proof reading and juggling due dates. Pushing paper as it were. Waiting on feedback from others. Filling in excel spreadsheets. I have asked for more work. I have done everything but come right out and say most days I am bored senseless. I keep hearing, it will get busier. We’re coming up on our busy season. Hmmm. I’ve been here three months and I’m not seeing it. thank God they aren’t going to hire another person to do what I do, because really? That would be a gross waste of money. People here were under the impression that this was a time-consuming, tough job. Part of me wonders if there is something I’m supposed to be doing, that would take up some time, that I’m not. But, I’ve asked. The other part of me thinks that the person who last had this job had people snowed. Snowed better than any politician could imagine. Snowed more than Antarctica in the dead of winter. Snowed more than Charlie sheen’s glass-top coffee table. I have heard that she didn’t really pitch in to help anyone else out. Really? Sometimes that’s the only work I can get to fill the hours. I also heard that she holed up here in her office with the door shut all the time. Knowing the amount of work she didn’t have I guess I could see that because it would enable the taking of naps. I also heard that lots of guys frequented her office. Digging through some of the old files I have discovered that these guys were previously paid inordinate sums to produce things. Granted, part of my job is to work w/ these people producing things and to request payments for them, but, there is no paper trail to follow to discover how the previous person in this job came up w/ the payment figures. So…..I have some thoughts on this. One, she was padding their payments, doing part and or all of the work, and getting a kickback from them. The dirty minded part of me thinks she was getting kickbacks for other services she may have offered behind her closed office door. I have never spent so much time online, but it’s not even exactly what I’d like to do online because I can’t get to my email from work and I won’t risk actually blogging from work (just don’t know how much Big Brother pays attention) and though I can get to FB from work, I’m leery about being on there too much or posting or you know, playing those games I haven’t played in months. I make lists for myself. I do online crossword puzzles. I shouldn’t complain. As far as the big picture goes, I’m not complaining. I’m grateful to have a job. But the days go by so slowly when you don’t have a lot of work to do.