it's going around

i think it's pretty normal for blog posts to fall off when the weather gets nicer. you can get out and do things rather than sit in front of a computer.


however, i've noticed that many of my blog friends are going through stressful times. many different reasons, but stressful all the same.


my own life is a roller coaster of stress. being unemployed for just over a year is a kick in the pants. i am sick of people telling me, oh i'd LOVE to be unemployed and have all of that free time to do projects or spend time w/ the kids. enjoy it while you can. really? could you enjoy yourself while simultaneously worrying about money and the future?


yesterday the hubs played our last card. the final safety net was put in place (cashing in a 401k). after that money is gone, we are screwed. big time. yesterday his car died. well, it might have died. my sister's husband is coming to look at it tomorrow, but it doesn't sound good. it sounds like an expensive (like thousands of dollars) fix. this on a car w/ bad brakes, no air and elebenty billion miles on it.


we had decided to do the 401k thing at the end of may if i didn't have a job by then. i know that's a mere week away, but the car forced our hand and that hand slapped us squarely in the face. when i got laid off last year i got severance, which we banked and have been using to supplement my unemployment. we've been (mostly) thrifty, but not bare-knuckle thrifty, if you know what i mean. we still have cable and the boy takes karate and we signed the girl up for soccer and we go out to eat once in awhile. we have made purchases in the last year, but still, we've cut back. i am still collecting unemployment, at least for another month or more, but the severance is gone (actually i think what's in savings now is our tax return). thus the 401k.


the idea that we might have to move has always been in the back of our minds, probably further back in mine than in the hubs. while i am concerned about the future (putting the kids through college) he is absolutely consumed by it. as a kid who's (or whose?) parents had no plan at all for their college education, i'm not nail-bitingly worried about my kids going to college. we will cross that bridge when we come to it. they might have to get student loans. they might have to work. they might get scholarships. so many variables and right now, while we're seriously thinking about uprooting our family and moving to another state, college tuition isn't in my top five of things to worry about today.

the idea of moving in and of itself does not bother me. i have to admit a small part of me finds it exciting. however, it is the not knowing where to move or even how moving could make things better (although the idea is to move to where there are jobs). and, it's not like our house would sell in a month. we have been in that position before--two house payments--and frankly it is not a place i'd like to revisit ever again. talk about fucking stressful.

in a perfect world the job that i haven't even been called in for an interview yet would hire me and the 2-3 freelance opportunities would come through and all of this worry and uncertainty would be over.

i asked the hubs if he thought in 5-10 years we'd look back on this time and laugh (as we've done when we look back on times we THOUGHT were difficult) and he said, uh, no. we've paid our dues and this shit isn't funny anymore.

yeah. i know.

i honestly do not know what is preventing me from making myself an alcoholic drink right this minute, other that the fact that i really and truly hate throwing up.