Friday, May 7, 2010

i feel like someone gave me a swirlie

ok, my hair isn't stinky and wet, but you get the point.

i don't even know where to begin this post, even though the story is a common thread that just seems to keep unraveling.

my sister started dipping her toes into the ocean of this divorce i have going on w/ my parents. until this week she has seemingly been neutral. she has not mentioned the rift when we're together, has not given her thoughts on it or anything. this week, with the comments on facebook she sort of tipped her hand to being on my mom's side. the hubs and i called and talked with her and she said she just wanted to be neutral and she wasn't taking sides.

seeing as how we've taken her side against my parents many times we impressed upon her the importance of being neutral in this. we were not asking her to take sides, but, if she is only getting my mom's side of the story--and from the few details she did know i know that the story she got was convoluted at best--she should think twice about it.

the next day the hubs called my mom and basically suggested a cease fire on the comments on facebook. he said they were both wrong, they were dragging people into it and that didn't need to be done on fb. she agreed. he told her this was not, in any way, an olive branch and that it did not mean everything was back to normal--just that they wouldn't jab at each other any more. ok.

throughout the day the hubs and i talked about this situation. his fear is that if/when something happens to my parents i will have regrets about how we are currently handling the situation (ie having no contact at all w/ them). i tried to explain to him that i don't view this divorce as punishment (even though i know it is) but rather protection for me and the kids. protection of the drama, hurt, issues they are bound to cause in the future. i explained that i don't want my kids to look for acceptance or love or respect or pride or anything from my parents, which is certain to come if they are further exposed to them. i grew up searching for these things and in the end, when i didn't get them, it of course made me wonder what was wrong w/ me. i don't want that for my kids.

he said we should invite my mom to go to the carnival with us this weekend. it is a yearly spring event and our family, my brother's family, my mom and sometimes my sister's family attend together. this year the boy will have a karate demo at this event. i feel like inviting her to this event will open the door to more and frankly i'm not ready for more. he said it won't open the door, that this will just give her a chance to see the kids. he made it clear to her that there will be no discussing the issue and this does not change the status of our divorce. it is just a chance for her to see the kids.

sometimes he's a much better person than i am. i was no where near close to thinking of inviting her to anything. i'm still not. of course i am hurt by what is going on, but i really believe not having her/them in my day to day life is what's best for me and the kids.


Astarte said...

I'm surprised that he suggested inviting your parents to something. Maybe down the road, but it's all so fresh, to me that would confuse the new boundaries that you've set. Not to mention, knowing that they're there will make the day a lot less enjoyable for you, and thus maybe for the whole family. I have to say I don't agree with him at all on this one. If you do invite them, and they come, I hope it all goes well!!!

Ugh. Facebook. Panic attack city.

Anonymous said...

I kinda agree with Astarte. She may confuse it with Mother's Day, too. I can see the Hubs' point, but it may be a bit too soon.

Sweet T

drollgirl said...

i have no great advice to give, but it sure doesn't seem like you are ready for this. i am not sure it is a great idea. ay yi yi. all of this stuff is so damn tricky, but i guess you have to do what you think is best.

Sherendipity said...

I've gone down this road with my parents. It's been over four years since I've cut ties.
There's still drama.
I would love to tell you what to do, to save you a world of hurt, but it's not my place.
I will tell you to follow your instincts. Not your head, not your heart. Follow your instincts.
Good luck, my friend.

Surely said...

Just realized I never commented, d'oh. And now the event has passed, yes? How'd it go then?

I was a little surprised at the hubs suggestion too. I kind of saw the logic though & thought "that is probably something Kev would do"