dream a little dream

(the kids and i are still in wv on vacay. today's the first day we've been online since being here and while i'm sure i'll have lots to share w/ you about out trip later, i had to write this post now because i was reading some one's blog and this topic popped in my head.)

i am by no means psychic or talented in any of those ways, but sometimes i do get feelings about things and can guess or anticipate things that people very close to me are going to do or say (usually just the kids and the hubs). i think much of this comes from living w/ someone being close to them 24/7--like being able to finish the hub's sentence or knowing what gift he's going to give me before he gives it or something.

but, i have had dreams that have come true. these dreams have always been about pregnancies.

the hubs and i were married five years before the girl was born. we never used birth control because i wanted kids right then and there. we tried for five years (though we didn't start down the road of invitro or anything) and we're basically at the point of not trying any more because i was becoming a basket case.

one night, out of the blue, i had an incredibly vivid dream about holding a baby girl and i knew it was my daughter. the next day i stopped at the drug store after work and bought a pregnancy test. it was positive.

fast forward about a year. one night i had a dream that i was throwing a baby shower for a co-worker. we were pretty good friends and i was excited. the next day at lunch i laughingly told her this dream and she just stared at me. we were sitting in the lunch room w/ other people and she didn't say much. later she told me that they'd just recently found out she was pregnant and they hadn't started telling people yet.

fast forward again. i had a dream that a co-worker's wife was pregnant w/ twins. i can't remember the details of this one as well---when i told him about the dream i think he confirmed that she was pregnant but they didn't have any indication it was twins since it was so early. later she miscarried---twins. (happily they went on to have two very cute little boys.)

i haven't had a dream like that for a long time and it's not ever anything i plan or can control or realize is coming. however, my friends do ask me to tell them if i ever dream about them being pregnant.

country roads

tomorrow morning the kids and i are off for five days in wv. i'm taking my laptop but am not quite sure if/when i'll have internet access, so if you don't hear from me until next weekend, don't fret.

we're going to do some camping, swimming, hanging out w/ some family and basically getting out of the house for a week.

visualize this

penny in exile suggested i share pictures of my kitchen--the one i asked for help with. so, here are kitchen pictures, painted room pictures and more.

this is a bad shot of the current hardware. i'm pretty certain this will be one of the changes we make.

this is the fruity border. the kitchen is as it was when we moved in the house--this is NOT my handiwork. this will come down, obviously.

you can't really tell from this shot, but that green stripe? it's rag-roll painted or some other such thing. it will go away along w/ the border (once i decide what color to paint in here.)

and these are the cabinets. there are 31 in all. after reading all of your comments/suggestions i'm thinking painting the walls and updating the hardware is a good start. also, if you look closely, the backsplash is white tile w/ green accent tiles. i can get a special paint to cover the green right?

the boy deleted the "before" shots, but this is his new green room. it was purple.

this is the girl's room (it was pink). she's accented the walls w/ peel and stick polka dots and a slew of animal pictures already.

these are the girl's toes after her pedicure.

these are my toes after my pedicure.

made giddy by iming

omg---i just had my first im chat w/ one of my blog friends! i am soooo excited and giddy like a school kid! LOL (thanks for making my day kristin!!)

we are also facelibre friends and i don't know why i never thought of chatting online. it is the first "live" contact i've had w/ any of my friends i've met online and i am beside myself w/ excitement! and, while we're on the subject--do you talk about your "blog" friends in real life? i mean i do and i always feel like a douche canoe for saying my blog friends or my friends i met online. really? why do i make that distinction? we're friends, regardless of how we met or whether we've ever actually spent time together. so, from now on i'm not saying blog friends or online friends.

i'm sure some of you are like...uh, dude? where the HELL have you been for the last, oh i don't know....5 year? this technology does exist. i know, i know. i've just never used it that much, the chatting thing i mean. sometimes on facelibre i chat, but not often, and other than that i'm not a big im-er. are you guys?

**********
also penny in exile suggested i take pics of the kitchen and i plan to do that and show you what i'm up against.

words on thursday

i have title block so eh, words on thursday is the best i could do.

sooo, what's going on around here? let's see.

monday the hubs had some major oral surgery. the hubs is a total bad ass. seriously, sometimes his badassery frustrates the hell out of me, although his rebellious nature and badassness are parts of the reason i married him. but i digress. dude thought that he'd go in for this surgery monday morning and then go to work in the afternoon despite the fact that i told him he'd be out of it most of the day. i could speak from experience seeing as how i had my wisdom teeth removed last summer and was out for 3 days.

and i was right : ) he has fuzzy memories of that day (he was fully sedated for the procedure) and i kept him loaded up w/ his prescribed vickies every 4 hours because when he was awake he was an ass. the hubs does not follow rules, like oh, you can't smoke the day you get gaping holes in your mouth?? yeah. so he was cranky. and belligerent. and remembers very little of it. plus, it has been since sunday since he's eaten any meat for god's sake, and the man loves him some meat.

yesterday i started painting the hallway---most of the primer coat is finished. it was orange folks--the hubs' choice several years ago---i should have taken a picture! now it will be a nice tannish hue.

next week the kids and i are going on a road trip to wv to hang out w/ one of my aunt's for the week. she's a teacher so aside from the unemployed she's one of the few people who have summers off : ) it will be great to get out of the house, because, as much as i feel like i'm getting things done that i've wanted/needed to do? i'm fucking bored out of my damn mind. and, being w/ the kids 24/7 since the beginning of june is starting to do me in. everywhere i turn they are there.

i now know that i would have made a horrible, horrible sahm when they were younger. i have the utmost respect and admiration for women who can do this. i've always thought it was hard and respected them, and i realize that being home w/ a 9 and 12 year old is nothing like having babies or toddlers or more than 2 but holy hell. i am a person who likes to be alone sometimes. even if that alone time is just driving to work. or being at work for that matter. there is some separation. the boy says i have turned into more of a hard ass since i got laid off. that i'm stricter. hmmm.

**************
totally off whatever topic i thought i was on but i'd like your opinion on something.

wood kitchen cabinets----paint them or not? the very least that will be done to the kitchen for now is a paint job (it is the only room in the house that hasn't changed since we bought it 7 yrs ago and green stripes and a fruit border are just not me) and new hardware. eventually there will be upgraded counter tops and a tile (not laminate like it is now) floor, but that is for the day we are rolling in the dough. i'm really afraid of painting the cabinets. and don't suggest switching out the doors for glass doors cos i certainly don't want people looking into the cluttered confines of my cabinets.

movie reviews and more

i have never, ever been good at writing titles for anything, especially blog posts. the title is supposed to be a tease and give you a clue as to what the post is about---hard to do when i have no clue what the post will be about. and yes, i've tried writing the title after writing the post and that doesn't work either.

*****************
friday we saw the new harry potter movie. living with the girl, who's read the series forward and backward elebenty hundred times, means we are rarely surprised when we see a hp movie. we know the big events. even so i cried a bit. i am always struck by the scenery and storytelling and i get swept up in it. i love these movies. i liked the teenage dialogue in this one--there was humor and emotion though i don't think there was as much suspense or drama per se. i was glad to see the character of luna again, i like the willowy, there-but-not-there quality of her. i also, despite the events in this movie, still like snape. i always have. maybe it's alan rickman i really like, but i can't help liking snape's character too. oddly enough of all the characters harry's really my least favorite.

we saw the preview for new moon again and yes, i also can't wait to see that, fan girl that i am. we saw a preview for where the wild things are--one of my fave kids books ever---i didn't know they were making it into a movie. it actually looks good.

*****************
saturday the weather was gorgeous. sunny and breezy, not too hot, but warm. so nice. the kids swam and i mowed. the hubs worked on refinishing a coffee table that belonged to my gma. he is so sweet on stuff like that. it really means a lot to him to have something like that to pass down to the next generation.

saturday was also the night the boy has been waiting on for weeks. he and the hubs went to a wrestling match. meanwhile the girl and i got pedicures (this place was much better than the one i went to before, where i had my first and only pedi so far. i'm not trying to be racist, but this place was staffed by vietnamese ladies and they were awesome. i was disconcerted a bit by not understanding a word they said to each other though.) and grabbed some food and a movie--he's just not that into you. eh. it was ok. i liked some of the story lines. i liked a lot of the characters.

toms and bros

i harvested 8 tomatoes from the yarden (yes, yarden, not garden because it has become so over grown and yardlike) today. tomatoes that no one but me will eat. i love the smell of tomato plants--i don't know what it is, it's sort of harsh and peppery, but i love it.

*************
this is one of the many reasons i love my brother. this is the email i got from him this morning:

So how are things, you doing okay? (In mom’s voice) I haven’t heard from you in a while, I haven’t seen the kids, do you still have a boy and girl? What are their names again? Anyway you haven’t called, emailed, or sent me a western union telegram so I thought that you might have moved.

first--these are the types of emails our mom sends us if we haven't called/emailed her in a week or so. second, it has been several days since my bro and i talked and we haven't SEEN them since july 3.

two faced

that's me. two faced and possibly schizophrenic or bi-polar or just plain crazy. do they even label people as just plain crazy anymore? probably not.

for the last few months i have been floating along on this cloud made of rainbows and kitty cats and chocolate thinking, isn't this nice, i'm a sahm and it's cool and life is sweet and i am happy and i can do this. that cloud crashed into a fucking brick wall and hit so hard my teeth went flying one way and my brain the other.

though we aren't quite at the end of our rope we know it is near. we have had discussions that involve trying to sell the house. we have had discussions about looking for work outside of this state--meaning, a move. these are huge things. to me they are huge things.

my good days/bad days have gone into hyper drive and turned into good hours/bad hours. i need to stop. the hubs is beside himself trying to make me feel better, but i know he has all of the same worries i do. but, i do feel better this morning compared to yesterday.

the thing i don't understand is how all of my friends who've also lost their jobs can be ok. is everyone just lying to each other? i mean i sometimes feel like i'm the only fucking one worried about finding a job and wondering if we're going to lose our house and wondering wtf we're going to do if the situation doesn't change.

****************
my mind is such a muddled swamp right now but some how i started making this list of things i've never done. there are lots of things i've NEVER done but this list is more about things i've never done that most people (or at least a lot of people) have.

1. i have never understood the draw of fiber optic home decor.
2. i never watched the x-files
3. i've never seen all of aliens or any of the matrix movies
4. i've never been skiing or water skiing
5. i've never been on a boat on the ocean

recognize

last night, right before i drifted off to sleep i realized i'd had a great day.

i guess i didn't realize it in the beginning because in the beginning the kids and i were painting the boy's room. electric green. i don't know why but it is the worst paint. it's the same brand as the paint we used in the girl's room but this electric green shade is going up badly.

late in the afternoon while i was doing trim work i heard the girl in the kitchen. without my asking her to do so or even saying it needed done she emptied the dishwasher, made her brother something to eat, took out the trash and was making me some iced tea. i was floored. earlier in the day she vacuumed her room without being told. wow.

(granted i realize this new behavior might be because she and the boy got in serious trouble two days ago and the hubs has suspended all allowance until further notice. but that's another post.)

then the hubs came home from work and the evening just sort of played itself out like a great concert or movie or play. everything seemed orchestrated although it wasn't. the four of us had light saber battles in the back yard. we sat around the patio table and talked, sort of like adults. we had dessert--a cake the girl made earlier. it was just nice.

then, after the kids went to bed and we were laying in bed the hubs said one of the sweetest things ever.

hubs: you know, even after all this time i don't see you as my wife.
me: huh?
hubs: i still see you as my girl friend. wives are bitchy and controlling and naggy and you aren't.

yeah, we put his non-fuzzy special purpose to use.

i have a new-found respect for michelangelo

now that the bedrooms are clutter-free (though you couldn't very well tell that at the beginning of the week) we have moved on to painting.

when we moved into this house about 7 yrs ago we let the kids pick their paint for their rooms. the girl--a tender 5 yr old at the time--was so very girly and loved all things pink. hence her walls were a light, pastel pink. at 12 her tastes have changed, she's migrated from pink and her color choice now is a turquoise blue.

7 years ago the boy was a sweet, sweet baby nearly 3 years old and was smitten w/ all things purple, especially as they related to a certain dinosaur. hence, his room is purple. at 9 his tastes have migrated from the dinosaur days to the superhero days and now he is wrestling obsessed. his color choice, for whatever reason, is green.

we are almost done painting the girl's room--and by we i mean me and the two kids. yes, they have actually helped paint. in the girl's room we have also had to paint the ceiling for two reasons--one, she managed to splotch some sort of black something on it--i have no idea what it was; two--some of you who've been reading for awhile will know that two years ago around christmas time the hubs was out of town (in OK w/ his dad who was having surgery). i decided to get the christmas stuff out of the attic. things were going fine until, whoosh, there went my foot right between the joists, right through that pink panther insulation and right through the ceiling in the girl's room. yeah, it's funny NOW, but not then. the kids panicked. my leg was through her ceiling up past my knee. i got it out and all was ok, but there was a huge hole in her ceiling. i called the hubs and told him and he was worried about me and if i was ok. i called my bro to tell him and doofus laughed his ass off, said he wished he would have been there w/ a video camera and made some comment about christmas vacation.

today i painted her ceiling. holy fucking hell it's hard to paint a ceiling. a white ceiling. with white paint. how do you know where you've painted? it's like mime painting. and it is a 70s popcorn ceiling. and there is a bunch of furniture in the middle of the room, hindering my ability to get around. and there are kids asking are you done yet so we can finish painting? and there are two cats running in, wondering what the hell i'm doing. and it's hard! hence my new respect for michelangelo.

on another painting note--yesterday when i was washing off the roller brushes, you know, those long, furry tubes, i almost laughed out loud to myself. squeezing the paint off, going up and down on that roller i thought--i'm so glad cocks aren't fuzzy like this. i mean think about it.

bloggity blog stuff

i was in a panic. i clicked on to my blog and looked over at the list of blogs i read all the time, cos that's how i get to you people, and it was gone! wtf??? so i've just spent the last 3o minutes recreating that. if you were left off the list please please tell me so i can rectify that situation. i don't want to miss out on any of your posts. i quit using google reader cos i actually like to SEE your blogs.

also, awhile back i started responding to comments via email. it's easier for me that way, plus i feel like i've gotten to know a (omg the girl has been talking to me non-stop for the last 30 minutes like i've not been here w/ her all day! i think she's telling me what she wants to name her kids when she grows up. for the love of pete can i not have a couple of hours to do something on my own????) lot of you better. or it's just more like a conversation? i don't know. anyhoo--i just realized (cos i'm a whiz like that) that some of you are not getting my replies because when you leave a comment you've done so w/ a no reply email thing or something. so, i apologize to you. i haven't been ignoring you. i've sent some pretty cool replies. i think mostly this is tracy that's been impacted, but it could be others too. raise your hand if you've not gotten email responses to comments.

going to hell and looking for a job

actually---i think they might be the same thing.

yesterday i sent a resume to a tobacco company and just happened to make an offhanded remark about it on facelibre. something like ok, i if i get this job does it mean i'm going straight to hell?

the boy read it. (yes, both of my kids are on facelibre.) he turned from the computer and said, mom, i don't mean that i don't want you to get a job, but i don't want you to work at a tobacco company. this morning when i got up he asked me if i'd heard from the tobacco company.

i have come to realize that i cannot afford to be morally picky (to a degree, i mean i'm not going to start pole dancing. but then that's not really as much of a moral issue as it is an i-don't-have-the-body-nor-skills-for-it issue) in this quest for employment. initially i thought aha, here is my chance to work for a company i actually like. to reach for the best. to wear my rose colored glasses and find the perfect company but i have peeked over the rim of those glasses and realize that perfect company doesn't exist. for me the perfect company would be: local; making/promoting a product/service i admire or care about; having strong altruistic values; paying incredibly well (w/ bennies) and being flexible. yeah, i know, pie in the sky.

in this job search i am almost always reminded of dear lloyd dobler when frasier's dad asks him what he wants to do with his life: "I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that. "

*********
i have decided that companies really need my help writing job postings. looking on the government's web site there's a job for a resolutions & receivership clerk (i clicked on it only because the starting salary is like 20k more than what i made when working) the job says it requires 95-100% travel, including nights and weekends. really? who the fuck wants that job? another listing is for a motor vehicle operator. uh, isn't that a DRIVER? dude, you can make at least 30k being a fisherman for the government! did you know this? on board boats off hawaii, virginia, alaska, etc. 30k just to fish? i mean you could do a whole other job on top of that. of course i'm envisioning someone sitting in a deck chair w/ a pole off the side of ship and the job is probably something more like deadliest catch or something LOL. oh, another job? able seaman. do i even need to say anything about this one?? LOL and practical nurse---as opposed to an impractical nurse?

survival mode

lord, i'm on the brink of slipping into a funk i fear. i'm starting to worry about being able to find a job. really worry. i guess i thought i would have found something, anything after nearly 3 months.

don't get me wrong, if money weren't an issue i'd be digging this stay at home thing.

i am antsy. i want to create something. change something. color something.

we are going to start painting the bedrooms possibly this week.

i want to change the look of the blog too and have looked around a bit online but haven't found anything that jumps out at me. i wish i knew how to manipulate code--i'd design something myself. but, alas, i don't possess that skill.

i am dancing on the very edge of that chasm that could send me spiraling into a full blown funk and i am clawing at anything to keep me on higher ground. i peek over the edge, knowing full well i don't want to end up down there, but also knowing that it is very possible.

i should have noticed the signs. tuning out from blogging. tuning out from music. oddly enough the very things that inspire and move me are the things i turn away from when i'm travelling down that road to a funk. stupid huh?

so--if you know how to spruce up blogs let me know : )

i'm going to attempt to make a peach cobbler for the hubs tonight. maybe that will help keep me from going over the edge for today.

it's july

the words haven't been coming that easily. i'm caught up in the day to day life of being home with the kids. still no job. i look. i search. i hunt. seems like SOMETHING should turn up. but it hasn't. i worry. but at the same time i enjoy being here w/ the kids.

i have this feeling like i should be doing more. something bigger and not necessarily a job. of course i need a job. i'm talking in the big scheme of life thing.

when i first got laid off i thought my purpose was to be a full time mom. to mold my kids. to enjoy them. and, for the most part i have. though last week sort of sucked monkey balls because i was on the rag, we were tied to the house waiting for the fridge repair guy (and it still is not fixed--do you know how hard it is to not have a fully working fridge?) and the kids were getting on each other's nerves (and mine). the weekend came though and seemed to make things better. the hubs was off friday; we had a good july 4th (although it was the first time in a few years that it's just been the 4 of us celebrating) and sunday was nice too.

back to the thought--i feel like in life there is something more that i'm supposed to be doing. a bigger purpose. helping people? i don't know. doing SOMETHING.

maybe my purpose is to get the boy to quit picking his nose. seriously--he's NINE for god's sake. when do they stop that? how many times a day do i say, boy, quit picking your nose!