today i fell in love...

....with my sister-in-law's mother. the hubs and i have always liked her. she is an incredible grandmother to my niece and nephew so we've always envied that. she actually PLAYS with her grandchildren! the hubs has always joked with my brother that he'd like to trade mils. well, actually he really would but, you know what i mean.

i'm going to call her pie (because she makes awesome pies and she is so damn sweet). pie had surgery last week and i thought it would be nice if i went to visit her. i finally got the chance today.

i was there for three hours. we talked about all sorts of things....the girl going to high school; my sister's upcoming move; my niece and nephew; cats; my sil's sister; our childhoods. i learned so much about her and it felt good to talk to her. i don't know if it's this pre-menopause thing i think i'm going through or what, but i got choked up a few times (and so did she).

i think i am always subconsciously looking for a parental unit. several times through the years i have been drawn to older women i work with or for..like mom-age women...and sort of let myself be taken under their wings. the first real job i had after college brought one such woman into my life. she was actually a friend of my mom's too...but she was my boss and became a good friend. i could talk to her about anything and she was such an incredible woman. i was devastated when she died. my second to last boss was considered a ball breaker by many, but i looked up to her and felt daughterly towards her in a strange kind of way.

i have no idea where this train of thought is going....but i recognize that in life you search for the things you need, even if you don't know it. my sil is lucky to have such a mom.

this is why i shouldn't have more babies....

.....the girl (who is one of two still getting over an infectious crud in our house right now) woke up around 3am w/ a coughing fit. i had been dead to the world since 11:30.

i got up, got her some water and cough syrup. it took all of 3.4 minutes. i laid back down (i'm not sure i opened my eyes during the 3.4 minutes except to read the dosage on the medicine cup.) the hubs (the other person getting over the infectious crud) was snoring much, much louder than normal. after 18 years i've learned to sleep with a snorer (mostly because i fall asleep before he does).

i am sure i tossed and turned for awhile (20-30 minutes)before being able to sufficiently ignore the snoring.

when the alarm went off at 6am i felt like shooting it.

this is just one example of why i shouldn't have more babies.....i cannot get up in the middle of the night for even 3.4 minutes let alone 2-3 times to feed a kid.

tiltowhirl

sometimes i am able to pull my head up long enough to get a different perspective and to realize that no matter what the circumstances, things can always get worse.

then i blink and holy hell. on the tmi front---i am almost 100% convinced i'm peri-menopausal. i had that stupid useless (at this stage in life) visit from that dumb bitch aunt flo last week and she left two days ago. apparently, flo is getting on in years, getting senile, so she came back to visit today. really? REALLY? i have one of those fun checkups in a couple of weeks and we will seriously be discussing the inevitability of aunt flo moving to a fucking retirement home.

the girl and i went to high school open house tonight. omfg. i think even if i were emotionally stable these days that would have thrown me for a loop. the school is huge. 2000 students. wtf? so many breeders out there! sheesh. despite all of the research and thoughts of magnet schools etc. she will most likely go to this school. she did get into a magnet, but it would be for two years and then she'd have to pick another school. plus transportation to any of the magnets is a pain in the ass and honestly, if we lose the house where she goes to high school will be the least of our worries.

the girl handled this open house much better than i did. the damn principal kept referring to them as the class of 2015...she said it elebenty billion times, like freshmen parents aren't freaking the hell out enough w/out her throwing it in our face than in 4 years our babies will be gone. bitch.

finding a patch of sun

....the girl's cat is lying in a patch of sun on the floor, content as can be for that gift of sunlight.

the very brief visit w/ the sil and nephews was nice. kind of weird, since this is the first visit w/out the bil around. i like his boys. the eldest, who is 15 is....6'4" tall! holy hell. really i think my jaw dropped when he walked in the door. he is ginormous.

it was frustrating because the sil seems to fly by the seat of her pants w/ plans and while we were expecting them around 1-2pm yesterday they didn't get here until after 6pm. they left this morning in search of snow in the mountains and will fly home tomorrow morning. i think the four kids enjoyed themselves. it really was a painless visit.

it did make me sad though. knowing the boys don't have their dad. and, while i have no way of knowing how my sil really felt about my bil, i can't help but be sad and compassionate for her, raising two boys on her own. my bil and i may not have always seen eye to eye but i know for sure that he loved being a dad and it is obvious his kids love him.

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one of my cousins broadcasts her life story on fb. it is like watching a horrible redneck reality show on cmt or something. she is 12 yrs younger than me and it seems her second marriage is on the fritz. she's met both husbands online. she did not know either of them very long in person before they got married. she has a child from each of them.

it makes me sad to think that she might be going through yet another divorce soon and also have to deal with another horrible custody battle and/or ongoing issues w/ child visitation etc.

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so....i guess the patch of sun i've found this weekend is that even if i don't find a job in the next few weeks and even if we end up losing everything we've worked for over the last 20 years, i still have the hubs and my kids still have a dad.

searching for snow

our sil and nephews are coming here today on a visit from florida. this is the widow of my bil who died two years ago next month. the nephews (each a year older than my two kids) have been here once before w/ their dad about 4-5 yrs ago. the sil hasn't been to this house. the only other time they were all here in nc was about 11 years ago, soon after the boy was born, when we lived in the trailer. the girl was 3 yrs old at the time and she beat up her cousin (who was a year older and a foot taller). good times.

i am looking forward to seeing the boys even though we really do not know them at all. my heart hurts for them since my bil died. my sil? yeah, well, to be honest we've never really warmed up to her or gotten along w/ her. she is abrasive. she is a know-it-all. she is vague. they will be here sometime today.....not really sure what time. really?

her whole reason for this trip was for the boys to see snow. hmmmm.......does she ever watch the weather channel? here in nc this weekend (and into this coming week) we are having weather w/ highs 20 degrees above normal. it was in the 70s here this weekend. our lows are what our highs normally are. yeah, freaky.

i hope she doesn't talk about my bil. i don't know that the hubs could take that. the whole thing is just a mess. they were not getting along well at all before he died, like for years hadn't been getting along. like divorce was probably in their future not getting along. this is one of the many reasons why you do not tell all your shit to your family. but, the bil was famous for that...getting everyone in on his business. their sister does the same thing. oy vey.

i hope it is a painless visit.