Happy Friday

I'm in such a good mood today, thank you very much. It's Friday evening--love Friday evenings because there isn't a rush to get things done, dinner, homework, baths, scouts---it's just so much more relaxed. I got a butt load of stuff done at work today, though it still looks like something exploded on my desk. The office closed early for the three day weekend and it is simply amazing how much stuff you can actually accomplish when bosses aren't asking for this or that. Damn them.

One thing I like about my job and the one I had before is the friends I've made. I have three people in particular that I met through work, interviewed for stories and have become great friends with. TL and his family are one. We don't get to email as much as we used to but I heard from him and his sis's this week--love those people. I'm incredibly jealous of TL though--next March he's doing a marathon in...wait for it....Antarctica! Yes, he's taking my dream trip, well, except for the running part : ) This summer he's running in Rio. He's also ran a marathon on the Great Wall. How awesome is that? Despite the fact that he lives on the left coast we're family--his is as screwed up as mine : ) We are the only sane ones in our families, OK, a couple of his sisters are cool and my brother is cool but otherwise we're kindred spirits.

Another of my friends from this job is coming to my conference. She is just way cool too and we hit it off right away. She's one of those people that you meet and feel like you've been friends for years. My other friends are actually from two jobs ago, same type of business, and I love them to death too. They come to town once and year and even The Hubs enjoys hanging out with him. I think it's because he and one of the women were separated at birth, eerie how much they're alike.

I cooked dinner tonight : ) OK, I do it occasionally but have discovered if you put some Motown in the CD player and sing and dance while you're cooking it goes much better. I just hate the coming up with what to cook part, that really sucks.

Oh, I got poison ivy again. Dammit. I should have known better. I weed eated this past weekend (is that even correct grammar? or should be I used the weed eater? ) You'd think, being as allergic to the stuff as I am, that I'd be able to recognize and stay away from it. But nooooo, not me. I got a shot, big shot, in my ass today in the hopes of clearing it up before it gets worse. I still have the scar on my arm from last year or the year before when it got bad. I get this crap at least once a year. (Oh, and also thank you very much, when I went to the doc this morning I've lost like 15-20 pounds compared to when I got on the scales at my mom's a few months ago.)

The reading for Donut's wedding has been written. I wrote two different things and she took that and blended it with some of her own stuff. I hope I can get through it without crying, but I seriously doubt it. I'm all set though, we've got a hotel room that night and after the wedding and The Boy dances with her they're heading to my folks house (cos my Bro and SIL are going to be out of town) and we get to hang out and have fun. Whoooohooooo : )

Erternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

OK, we just finished watching this (I can barely type) movie, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and let me tell you, it is fucked up.

I think it's a movie I'll have to watch again. The premise is that this couple has each other erased from their memories. How could you do that? How could you erase someone from your memory? Even bad things or bad people or bad times, everything that went before goes into making you who you are.

And, if you knew that person for decades they would touch so much of your life if you went to erase the memories of them that were tied to all these other things you'd be erasing so much of your life.

But, if you were truly meant to be with someone and you were erased once then aren't you destined to meet them again? Still, you'd be missing out on so many good things.

Very very strange movie.

Weekend of nothing

OK, now that I've purged myself with the Coming Clean blog it's time to start the weekend.

It's Saturday noonish and I'm on my first cup of coffee since I just got up about 30 minutes ago. I freakin' love sleeping in late. I love it. I think that was probably the hardest part about having kids for me---getting up early when they were young. Getting up in the middle of the night, no problem. Getting up and staying up at 6 am when they're 1-3 years old and are wide awake happy and ready to start their day at the butt crack of dawn, tough times.

So this morning I was lying there in that half dreaming half awake state just reveling in it when The Boy comes in---The Girl took my blanket. There was a blanket fight. She did this he did that, never mind, Mom's up now. Coffee and computer and I'm OK.

We have no where to be this weekend, no time table. The Girl's sleep over fell through so no extra kids or people : ) We're going to work in the yard, putter around the house and hopefully just relax and be a family this weekend.

I could slip into a little pity party of parenting here because The Girl is growing up. Seriously, she's going to need a bra. She's blossoming and it happened overnight. She's my baby, the one I waited five long years for and now she actually needs a bra. This time next year she'll be finishing fifth grade and getting ready for middle school. WTF? How did this happen? I was bringing her home from the hospital yesterday. Hearing her say pickameyup just the other day. Finding her in the bathroom with permanent black marker all over her legs just the other day; watching her throw her pacy in the trash on her third birthday; hearing her say she and brother were good dancers when he was only six months old lying on his back. OK, I'm getting verklempt--kids shouldn't be allowed to grow up. It's so bittersweet.

Coming clean

I think sometimes, since I use this blog to vent, that The Hubs gets a bad rap or rather you just see one side of the story. Granted over the last 4 years or so I have not been nearly as bad as I was starting out. Looking back at the things I said and did in the beginning of our relationship I'm sometimes amazed he's still around. I was (and still can be from time to time) a bitch. I know right, you can't even imagine that I could be a bitch huh? : )

For example. Before we were married I had moved out to live with him in OK. I of course should get props for this because we hadn't seen each other for a year or better, he called me on the phone said we needed to either make it work or not, he drove here, got me and I moved there. It was an adventure. : )

Anyway, after I was there for maybe a month he was out of town for a night or two. I was waiting tables and ended up going out to a club with a coworker (female). She had a friend there who had a friend so there was drinking, dancing and flirting. This was Oklahoma folks, cowboys and two-stepping. When we left the club there was talk about going back to their place to keep partying and I did follow them into the apartment complex, thought better of it and turned around and went home.

I lied about pretty much all of this to The Hubs (who was not The Hubs but the Sig Other at that time). I said I didn't dance with anyone, then I said I did, but just fast danced, I didn't flirt, etc. It became pretty obvious to him I'd lied the next time we went to that club and one of the guys kept trying to get my attention.

And this is just one of the examples of the times I fucked up and lied about it; when there's been alcohol involved and I crossed the line. Granted I've not done this type of thing since then, but I've not always been the most honest person, hence one of his concerns about me being out of town (or in town and not with him) and drinking. Of course the other concern is my lack of control when it comes to alcohol and the things that could (and have) happened to me when I get to that point.

There's a reason for everything. I'm not the helpless victim of an overbearing husband. I'm someone who's done a lot of questionable, dishonest, dangerous things who's been fortunate to have someone that cares enough to keep pulling me back from the fire even though I fight them kicking and screaming all the way.

all you need is love

tonight i finally put my thoughts and ideas on paper for the reading for my friend donut's wedding. this was a much more difficult task than i imagined. i was excited at first and poured through books looking for the right words. i don't know if i found them but here are some things i did find. these aren't necessarily in the reading but they're moving just the same.

love one another, but make not a bond of love:
let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be
alone,
even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same
music.
give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
for only the hand of life can contain your hearts.
and stand together yet not too near together:
for the pillars of the temple stand apart,
and the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.---kahlil
gibran

Love's Philosophy
Percy Bysshe Shelley
the fountains mingle with the river,
and the rivers with the ocean;
the winds of heaven mix forever,
with a sweet emotion;
nothing in the world is single;
all things by a law divine
in one another's being mingle:---
why not i with thine?

see! the mountains kiss high heaven,
and the waves clasp one another;
no sister flower would be forgiven
if it disdained its brother;
and the sunlight clasps the earth,
and the moonbeams kiss the sea:---
what are all these kissings worth,
if thou kiss not me?

Sonnets from the Portuguese XIV
Elizabeth Barrett Browning
if thou must love me, let it be for naught
except for love's sake only. do not say
"i love her for her smile...her look...her way
of speaking gently,--for a trick of thought
that falls in well with mine, and certes brought
a sense of pleasant ease on such a day."

for these things in themselves, beloved, may
be changed, or change for thee,---and love so
wrought,
may be unwrought so. neither love me for
thine own dear pity's wiping my cheeks dry,---
a creature might forget to weep, who bore
thy comfort long, and lose thy love thereby.
but love me for love's sake, that evermore
thou mayst love on, through love's eternity.

On Love - Thomas à Kempis
Love is a mighty power, a great and complete good.
Love alone lightens every burden, and makes rough places smooth.
It bears every hardship as though it were nothing, and renders all bitterness sweet and acceptable.
Nothing is sweeter than love,
Nothing stronger,
Nothing higher,
Nothing wider,
Nothing more pleasant,
Nothing fuller or better in heaven or earth; for love is born of God.
Love flies, runs and leaps for joy.
It is free and unrestrained.
Love knows no limits, but ardently transcends all bounds.
Love feels no burden, takes no account of toil,
attempts things beyond its strength.
Love sees nothing as impossible,
for it feels able to achieve all things.
It is strange and effective,
while those who lack love faint and fail.
Love is not fickle and sentimental,
nor is it intent on vanities.
Like a living flame and a burning torch,
it surges upward and surely surmounts every obstacle.

Excerpt from The Bridge Across Forever - Richard Bach
A soul mate
is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we
feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be
completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for
who we're pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other. No matter
what else goes wrong around us, with that one person we're safe in our own
paradise. Our soul mate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of
direction. When we're two balloons, and together our direction is up, chances
are we've found the right person. Our soul mate is the one who makes life come
to life.