thinking positive

i'm trying to.

the last two days have thrown me for a loop. this morning i am resigned to the fact that there's not much i can do about the situation feeling a bit better.

two things have brought about this change in my attitude.

first, the hubs. what can i say? i've been a lump at home the last two days. wallowing in my depression/hopelessness. the hubs has been supportive and listened to all my bitching, complaining, whining. he learned years ago (after i blew up at him as i'm wont (or is it want?) to do) when i vent that i don't want him to offer solutions (which guys love to try to do, they want to fix everything) i just want him to help me wallow in my pity and be empathetic and concur with all of my thoughts.

the hubs and i have different perspectives when it comes to work. i am of the mindset that i want (really need) to enjoy what i do for a living. i am not boss material. i don't like that aspect of working at all. i am a writer, that's what i want to do and the other stuff is the work i hate. he has always, always been in management. and he's very good at it. really. he has this air about him as being arrogant and a hard ass but when it comes to being a boss he's probably the most fair minded person i know. he works for a company now that is probably more fucked up than the one i work for. it is a family business and his boss is a lucky sperm boy who knows nothing about the business yet takes all the credit when something goes right. day in and day out the hubs deals with much more work shit than i do.

so, last night after he'd listened to all my ranting and whining and i was still pouting around he said that sometimes i need to remember that this is just a job. it doesn't define who i am as a person. sometimes i don't need to show (at work and to the bosses) how upset i am and that i don't need to fight every change that's made because then i look like i'm not a team player. this pissed me off. i didn't say so but i'm sure he knew. i felt like saying, fuck, YOU aren't the one who has to go sit in a newsroom. you aren't the one going through this, you don't understand how bad this makes me feel. i stewed some more.

however, this morning i realize that what he's saying is right. going against everything at work doesn't do anything, doesn't change anything and it just makes me look bad. i don't think this means i have to cowtow to everything that comes my way but maybe the way i handle things could be better. instead of pouting at my boss like a 5 year old maybe i should just express my concerns and move on. the hubs also reminded me (cos he's been in this wonderful peaceful contented place for a while now and it just makes me glow to think about it) that regardless of what happens at the office i have a lot of good going on. my job may go away at some point but they can't take away my family.

the second thing that shook me out of the funk was the girl. she's been moody the last few days too (maybe we're feeding off of each other?) but while i was making coffee this morning she came in an hugged me. no words, just came up and tucked herself into my arms. that, my friends, is like gold. that is one of the things life is all about. my baby girl either needed comfort or was giving it. we just stood in the kitchen wrapped up in each other for a few minutes and then went about getting ready for the day.

my baby girl. in five days she will be graduating from 5th grade.

there really is more to life than a job.

it's me, wallowing some more

have you ever been in a situation where you physically feel unwell because of the stressful events around you? where you've felt overwhelmed and clueless and hopeless. that's the biggest part. hopeless. the opposite of hopeful.

so my fucktastic week as i've named it now, not just a day but a week, continued today when my boss told me that me and my new staffer will be moving locations. i work in an office that actually has a handful of offices that are occupied by the "managers" of which i am on paper but not in reality. then there are pods (cubicles). some cubicles, like mine, have high walls. like i can stand up in my pod and not see over the top. i do not have a door, but i have a window. i am sort of secluded and i like it. my boss said me and my new person have to move into his immediate area. the pods are half walls. it is like (it is) a newsroom. i have never worked in a newsroom. i never wanted to work in a newsroom. i don't think i can concentrate in a newsroom.

where we are now we are sort of on our own for the most part. perhaps this is why he is moving us. big brother wants to keep his eye on me. big brother wants to kill the last bit of anything good i've felt about this place by quashing my creativity and independence and stomping it into oblivion.

the pods/desks there are so close together you hear every phone conversation. if your eyes leave your computer screen they will meet other eyes.

i feel physically sick.

so if you or anyone you know knows of a job that is available, let me know. i've been keeping my eye out randomly, but i think i need to seriously start looking. i can type pretty fast (and not look at my fingers). i can read and write pretty well (despite what you may have read here). i can be professional when i need to be.

this is me, wallowing in my wallow

i am wallowing in my sucktastic day. the hubs had to go to a work dinner. he is thrilled pissed. he is eating at a korean buffet. again. please lord do not let him eat the kimshe (sp?) again.


the kids (who were pissed that we didn't go out to eat and that i fed them pancakes) are in bed.


i cannot, as a responsible adult, get high at this moment (yes, there i said it out right). i probably just lost about 1/2 of my audience as they shake their heads and think, uh, she's too much for me, i can't handle the cussing and the sex talk and what, she smokes weed too? yeah. it's already been decided folks, i'm going to hell.


however, i am not as evil as you may think. i mean, i took an internet test to prove it. i'm just twisted.



How evil are you?

do you ever get lost on the internet? wow. i mean seriously, it sucks time away. you read a blog, then follow a comment, then read another blog and tada you learn all sorts of things. did you know, for example, that there is a think called half naked thursday? and it's been around for like three years? people post half naked photos of themselves on their blog. some are completely non-sexual--a foot, an elbow, etc. but then, c'mon, it's the internet, of course there are more risque photos. who knew?

this was my sucktastic day

so, i may have mentioned the company i work for is up for sale. we were told this a few months ago. we get little real information on the progress of this. for the most part i have not worried too much about it. life happens. i've gone through this before w/ another company.

we have had one round of layoffs in our office. between yesterday and today three more people were laid off. is it still called laid off if there is no hope of getting your job back? the three layoffs today were sad and i'm not being ugly, but they weren't any of my peeps. not that it makes it any better for them though.

i also found out that one of my staff and a person in another department are switching jobs. i sound so professional when i say "one of my staff" but i'm really not. there are three people in my "department" and when it is convenient for the company i am considered a manager but when there are decisions to be made i am not. i had no voice in this decision. my boss and his boss and another manager made this decision. on one hand i am glad i wasn't involved in the decision because i can honestly say i don't know why it happened. however, in the big scheme of things it is a good thing.

god, i don't mean to ramble but this is what i do when i'm so conflicted. skip this post altogether if you like cos i can't not write it.

when i took this job 2 1/2 years ago i was excited and scared. i am not a good boss. i don't like to boss people around. i don't "manage" people well. i walked into a situation where one staffer works part time (when it really should be a full time position) and has forever and that's not going to change. some times this is really a pain to work around, even though she does work from home and we always get our jobs done. the other staffer, the one that's changing jobs, is adequate. if we were a larger staff this probably wouldn't happen, but when there are three of you, things get noticed. she is the type of person that does a great job if you tell them what to do. she will do anything i ask. however, she doesn't bring anything extra to the table. god, that sounds so managerish. she does what she needs to to get by and that's it. and she makes it obvious to me a lot. i don't know how to motivate her. i've tried. i've tried asking her opinion on things, giving her different things to work on, tried to find out what she would be interested in and letting her do that, but she's just not. she says she likes her job but she doesn't really try.

she of course was devastated with the news. it is a done deal. she is professionally going backwards but she is keeping her salary. she is keeping a job when others are being let go. she is surprised by this and i do not know what to say. i talked to her earlier this year about stepping up to the plate more and blah blah blah. my boss talked to her last year about the same. and she is still surprised.

on one hand i feel that if i were a better boss i could have fixed her. i could have inspired her. i could have done something to prevent this. on the other hand i feel like maybe i will finally get the work partner i need in that position not only to help me carry the load better but also maybe to push me to be more. maybe i feel so bad because i'm just as much of a slack ass as she is, though i produce more work and know when i have to be "on" and know how to communicate with people.

i also know that in our office once the higher ups form a negative opinion of you it is hard to change that opinion, even if you do get better. the higher ups have not had a favorable opinion of her since i started there. i was told that when i started there. they had a mess they didn't want to deal with at the time and now they are and it sucks. balls. it sucks balls. i tell them of her good qualities. i tell them when she is doing better. however, this has not changed things. plus, it's really hard to sing someone's praises when you know they're just showing up.

and there's nothing wrong with just showing up. hell, i do it lots of days myself. i guess the difference is when it's time to get down to business i do. i have been in meetings with her and these other bosses and i swear to god it looks like she's falling asleep. she can't even act interested.

so over the next few weeks we'll be making this transition. on one hand i want to welcome this new person with open arms. i like her, i think she and i will work well together. she has worked with us a little in the past and i like her work. that part of me is excited. however, my little staff has been like a family, the bastard side of the big family that is our office. we are close. my part time staffer is really, really pissed about the whole thing and is skeptical about this and thinks the new person was vying for this switch. i don't think that's the case. if it is i don't want to know.

sunday and things you may not know about me

1. i'm anal retentive about how the dishwasher is loaded. despite my efforts, no one in my house knows how to truly properly load a dishwasher. i always have to redo it. i do not mind this though.

2. i loathe washing silverware. i would rather wash a sink full of crusty dishes than wash silverware.

3. i love jamming a qtip as far in my ear as possible and twirling it around. it feels soooo good. yes, i realize you are not supposed to jam them far in. i live dangerously.

4. at least twice a month i am painfully aware or reminded of the fragility of life and that death is looming.

5. i love the smell of burning wood. in smokers, campfires, fireplaces--that kind of burning wood. not houses.

6. i don't normally cuss in real life like i do in person, uh, i mean on my blog. duh. sometimes i do get flustered and (when the kids aren't in ear shot) i will say fuck.

7. my mother almost said fuck yesterday when we were at their house for a cookout. i would hate to be my mother.

8. i like cinnamon flavored anything.

9. i think i made a mistake when i picked a profession. people who want/have to write should NEVER go into publishing. i should have been a teacher or....i don't even know what else. but if i had one redo in life it would be to redo my career path.

10. last night, at my mom's, my sister was talking about how huge of a raise she might possibly get by the end of the year. instead of being happy for her (if it comes to fruition) i was pissed to think that she could, in a few short years, without a college degree, be making close to what i made at my last job. after almost a decade of experience and a college degree.