Saturday, March 13, 2010

i had the last word

those of you who've been reading this blog for awhile know that i don't have the greatest relationship w/ my parents. it is a .... pathetic relationship at best.

last weekend my brother sat down and had an adult, non-antagonistic discussion with them about communication in general and how their lack of communication w/ each other and their miscommunication w/ the rest of us lead to turmoil and most of the family drama we often find ourselves in. not that he asked for it, but i was proud of him. he didn't go in there w/ accusations or blame or anger, he just matter-of-factly said here are the problems and here's what we all need to do. my dad of course could not even nut up enough to accept any responsibility for any wrong doing, ever, for anything. couldn't even admit that there might be a communication problem. no surprise there.

i have been saying for awhile that i needed to sit down and have a talk w/ my mom. lay things out on the table. but of course i hadn't done that yet. my brother and the hubs, they are always the brave ones, not afraid of confronting my parents. i say it's because i don't care and that i don't need to confront them because i know they won't change and it doesn't matter enough to me to confront them. frankly, that's a lie and a cop out. somewhere inside me there is still a part that may be able to passively deal w/ my parents but not aggressively or physically deal with them.

that changed today. sometimes i guess when you don't have the courage or the ability to stand up for yourself, you find that courage and ability to stand up for your kids.

we went to my folks house for my dad's birthday. that in itself...well, frankly it just makes me crazy that i have to celebrate his birthday. they don't make a happy birthday you fucktard cards, and i felt that way before anything even happened. i made the mistake of telling my aunt the girl had mono. she's a nurse, i meant to talk to her about it, but, the conversation never got that far. my dad immediately said something he thought was funny, something about the girl kissing someone. then my uncle said something and i don't know what else was said. i said they could all kiss my ass, in a semi-teasing tone, and walked out of the room. later my dad, who rarely speaks to my kids anyway, teased the girl about it again.

when we got in the car to come home the girl immediately said to the hubs and i, you believe me don't you? you know i didn't kiss anyone right? then she started crying. 41 years of teasing and berating and stupid comments and much more came slamming into my head. the hubs was livid. if the girl had started crying at their house i'm fairly certain my dad would be in the hospital right now. when we got home the hubs ranted to me. he said it was over, we were done w/ them. i didn't say much. i still can't say much. i don't even know what to say. my dad is a piece of work. i suppose if you look at the comments by themselves they could be considered harmless. and i suppose if the comments were made in a teasing manner by someone she was closer to, like my brother or sister in law, someone who knows her and cares about her and jokes w/ her on a regular basis it would be different. or even if my dad was a real human being it would be different. but he's not and the bottom line is he made my baby cry.

so the hubs ranted/vented to me. we called my bro and sil and ranted and vented to them. the hubs and i stood in the kitchen and i said either he was making the call or i was. he said if he made the call we'd basically be finished w/ them.

i made the call. i half expected my dad to be in bed, it was after 8pm.

mom: hello?
me: hey, is dad still up?
mom: yes, why? are you ok?
me: no, not really. he made the girl cry tonight.
mom: what? why?
me: his mono comments. can i talk to him?
mom: yes
dad: yellow (he always fucking answers the phone like that)
me: i just wanted to let you know you made your granddaughter cry tonight.
dad: (chuckling and laughing) really? how?
me: by teasing her about the mono. she was very upset about it.
dad: really? well i wasn't the only one who said anything. (the defensiveness creeps into his voice)
me: well, she was upset. a kid should be able to count on their parents and their grandparents not to tease them. and i'll tell you this, you will not hurt my kids or treat them like you did us.
dad: (totally pissed off) oh really? feel better about getting that off your chest do you?
me: yeah. fuck you.
click. i hung up on him.

i can only imagine that after that he ranted and raved and my mom cried. she'll be burning up the phone lines to her sisters tomorrow or possibly try to call me.

all of these years i have kept things from crossing a certain line in my mind...never letting things get to that point of no return. for what? what would i really be losing if my parents were no longer part of my life? no drama? no guilt? i honestly cannot think of one positive thing that comes out of that house that flows into my family.


Pseudo said...

I'm so sorry you have to deal with that.

There are reasons I moved 3,000 miles across an ocean and never went back. My dad is pretty lucky I did not blog while he was alive.

Kristin.... said...

Oh yuck. I'm sorry that happened. Poor girl. She had to have been so upset.

Astarte said...

I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Your poor daughter, first the mono, then the trip, and now that douchebag! Good for you! I know you may end up in a small internal panic at some point about all this, but it can only lead uphill for you. This has been coming on for SO long, and I'm glad you finally let him have it!!!!!

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you said what you needed to say at the time. I cannot imagine how hard that was, and I know you're worried about the consequences, but I am so glad you stood up for the Girl. I hope she knows what awesome parents she has. YOUR parents will never get it, no matter how much you try to explain, unfortunately.

Love you!

Sweet T

Penny said...

Ugh. I'm sorry. I would have been pissed too and like you said it would be different from someone that actually had a caring relationship with your daughter.

(I loved the comment about buying a card with Happy Birthday you fucktard....every Mother's Day I cringe trying to find a card that isn't too nice or mushy and I need one that basically says "thanks for keeping alive, I guess")

Surely said...

Wow. Dude. That was incredibly brave. Well done!

drollgirl said...

oh god. i am so sorry that it came to this, but i think you handled it as well as could be expected. it is perhaps unrealistic to think that our parents can change much after so many years. and if/when their actions become intolerable, we can escape them and sometimes we must.

and i'd like to call your dad and give him a piece of my mind for what he did.

Just B said...

You are my hero!! I tell my myself that I'm evolved way past the the need to confront my parents, but the truth is I'm sacred--of what exactly I couldn't tell you.

Well done! Your daugher needed that even if she never finds out you did it.

cheatymoon said...

I can't believe I missed this!! Really proud of you. Really impressive. :-)