my mom called yesterday and asked if the girl could come home w/ her after my nephew's bday party on saturday to work on a craft project. the girl loves craft projects. she also asked if the girl could spend the night. i told her i'd talk to the hubs and the girl and get back w/ her.
this is her making an effort toward my child. i will not prevent it, but i also will not make the girl go if she doesn't want to.
i asked the girl. she's so much like the hubs. she was suspicious at first.
her: why? why does she want me to come over?
me: she has some craft project that involves sewing that she wants you to help her w/. she was all secretive to me about the project.
her: well, i don't want to spend the night but i need to know more about the project. does she even know how to sew?
i explained to the girl that the decision was completely hers to make and i would not be hurt/offended/bothered either way, because she does worry about stuff like that. she decided she'd do the project but not spend the night.
then she and the hubs had to take a trip to verizon cos the girl's phone is on the fritz. yes, it is only a couple months old. the hubs informed me of this discussion they had about this weekend.
the girl doesn't want to go at all. he told her what the project would be (because when he and my mom had their talk a few weeks ago she told him) and she said that sounded boring. fair enough. the hubs pointed out that my mom is making an effort. the girl said, she's just making an effort since you all had that talk (we had not told her about the talk, what it was about, etc. the kids just knew the hubs and my mom were going to lunch--granted, this is a once-in-a-lifetime thing). she's always doing stuff w/ n & c (2 of my sister's kids) and she only makes an effort to me, the boy and gameboy (my brother's son) a couple of times a year.
so, despite the fact that for the most part we've tried to hide our feelings and thoughts about all of this, the girl knows. i will not force her to have a relationship with my mom.
she then told the hubs that sometimes she pictures funerals. (I KNOW! it IS weird). she said that when she pictures mine, the hubs', my bro's or my sil's she will be sad and she knows everyone will be crying because we all all good people. it will be sad. but, when she pictures my parents' funerals she said she figures me, my bro and sister will be sad and crying, and n & c will be sad, but she figures she, the boy and gameboy will be sitting there texting or something.
so, what do i tell my mom? obviously not that the girl has pictured herself texting at her funeral.
the hubs says we should be the fall guys. tell her since i'll be out that night (going to sweet t's bachelorette party! whoot) that the hubs wants to spend time w/ the kids alone. i initially thought we should tell my mom flat out--hey, guess what, the girl doesn't want to spend time w/ you. this is you reaping what you sowed bitch. ok, i wouldn't say it like that, but, i'd let her know that the girl chooses not to be w/ her. the hubs doesn't agree w/ this.
ok, and i get that--not wanting the girl to shoulder the responsibility of the decision. because inevitably my mom would some how bring it up to the girl or hold it against the girl. but, i also know my mom. i'll make up an excuse for saturday. then she'll say well, can she come over sunday? or next weekend or the weekend after? she won't let it go. at some point she will make me quit giving her excuses and tell her the real reason.
i know this because 12 years ago when we were deciding who would take the girl if something happened to both of us we chose one of my aunt's and her husband (this has since changed and now my bro and sil would be the lucky winners of two precocious kids) instead of either of our parents. we told them both it was because of their age, though at the time they weren't that old. finally i got tired of coming up w/ excuses and we told them--uh, because dad is an alcoholic and you all are suck ass parents (i'm sure i said it nicer at the time). this of course devastated them and she shared that info w/ everyone, including my dad's mom. SHE was upset because she said it reflected on HER parenting. my dad was so pissed he didn't come to the girl's baptism. it was a cluster fuck. these are my parents.