Thursday, October 22, 2009

too little too late?

my mom called yesterday and asked if the girl could come home w/ her after my nephew's bday party on saturday to work on a craft project. the girl loves craft projects. she also asked if the girl could spend the night. i told her i'd talk to the hubs and the girl and get back w/ her.

this is her making an effort toward my child. i will not prevent it, but i also will not make the girl go if she doesn't want to.

i asked the girl. she's so much like the hubs. she was suspicious at first.

her: why? why does she want me to come over?

me: she has some craft project that involves sewing that she wants you to help her w/. she was all secretive to me about the project.

her: well, i don't want to spend the night but i need to know more about the project. does she even know how to sew?

i explained to the girl that the decision was completely hers to make and i would not be hurt/offended/bothered either way, because she does worry about stuff like that. she decided she'd do the project but not spend the night.

then she and the hubs had to take a trip to verizon cos the girl's phone is on the fritz. yes, it is only a couple months old. the hubs informed me of this discussion they had about this weekend.

the girl doesn't want to go at all. he told her what the project would be (because when he and my mom had their talk a few weeks ago she told him) and she said that sounded boring. fair enough. the hubs pointed out that my mom is making an effort. the girl said, she's just making an effort since you all had that talk (we had not told her about the talk, what it was about, etc. the kids just knew the hubs and my mom were going to lunch--granted, this is a once-in-a-lifetime thing). she's always doing stuff w/ n & c (2 of my sister's kids) and she only makes an effort to me, the boy and gameboy (my brother's son) a couple of times a year.

so, despite the fact that for the most part we've tried to hide our feelings and thoughts about all of this, the girl knows. i will not force her to have a relationship with my mom.

she then told the hubs that sometimes she pictures funerals. (I KNOW! it IS weird). she said that when she pictures mine, the hubs', my bro's or my sil's she will be sad and she knows everyone will be crying because we all all good people. it will be sad. but, when she pictures my parents' funerals she said she figures me, my bro and sister will be sad and crying, and n & c will be sad, but she figures she, the boy and gameboy will be sitting there texting or something.

so, what do i tell my mom? obviously not that the girl has pictured herself texting at her funeral.

the hubs says we should be the fall guys. tell her since i'll be out that night (going to sweet t's bachelorette party! whoot) that the hubs wants to spend time w/ the kids alone. i initially thought we should tell my mom flat out--hey, guess what, the girl doesn't want to spend time w/ you. this is you reaping what you sowed bitch. ok, i wouldn't say it like that, but, i'd let her know that the girl chooses not to be w/ her. the hubs doesn't agree w/ this.

ok, and i get that--not wanting the girl to shoulder the responsibility of the decision. because inevitably my mom would some how bring it up to the girl or hold it against the girl. but, i also know my mom. i'll make up an excuse for saturday. then she'll say well, can she come over sunday? or next weekend or the weekend after? she won't let it go. at some point she will make me quit giving her excuses and tell her the real reason.

i know this because 12 years ago when we were deciding who would take the girl if something happened to both of us we chose one of my aunt's and her husband (this has since changed and now my bro and sil would be the lucky winners of two precocious kids) instead of either of our parents. we told them both it was because of their age, though at the time they weren't that old. finally i got tired of coming up w/ excuses and we told them--uh, because dad is an alcoholic and you all are suck ass parents (i'm sure i said it nicer at the time). this of course devastated them and she shared that info w/ everyone, including my dad's mom. SHE was upset because she said it reflected on HER parenting. my dad was so pissed he didn't come to the girl's baptism. it was a cluster fuck. these are my parents.


cheatymoon said...

Your husband is an awesome diplomat.

Eventually you will have to tell your mom - or maybe not. You will always back up your child's decision no matter what.

I go through this when my boy does not want to see his dad. His dad pressures me and the boy always has legitimate reasons (based on dad's stability). It sucks to be in the middle.

good luck xo

Penny said...

I wish we lived closer so we could get a drink and talk about our parents. My mom says she moved to our town to get closer to her grandkids and I think she tries in her own way, but she really doesn't do much with them other than just look at them from outside since that is where she is standing to smoke!

IB said...

I think it's wise to deflect the responsibility away from the girl.

It seems no matter what you say or do, you aren't going to make these people happy.

I can relate. Been there, done that, got the fuckin tee-shirt.

IB said...

Oh. and I like the new look; very autumnal

Hotch Potchery said...

I guess if she keeps pestering you will have to tell her something---

Bachelorette party?!? Fun!

Anonymous said...

Holy crap. I don't envy your predicament. I would be tempted to tell your mom exactly what's going on, but you're right that she'll use it against the Girl. Such drama!

Looking forward to Saturday night! I have no idea what the plan is.

Sweet T

Pseudo said...

Moving 3,000 miles across an ocean helps with a lot of this stuff...

drollgirl said...

oh god. this is tough. i think your husband is right. ugh. UGH. i hear you on this.

my sis has two kids, and she asked me to take them if she and her husband should somehow die together. i hope it never happens, but i would do it. my sis just can't face her kids being raised by my UBER religious parents. i am not saying i would be a perfect parent, but those girls would be in for a world of hurt if my parents raised them.

Anonymous said...

I think it's a shame that she is so out of touch with her grandkids that she doesn't know what they would really enjoy. I would tell her the way your hubs (oops I just used his name and had to backtrack) thought. Then suggest recommendations for fun activities from the girl.
I would like to note that she always seems to try more with the grandkids that are girls? Why not ask your boy over for something fun?

creative kerfuffle said...

sil--i don't think it's even what they would be doing--i just don't think the girl wants to hang out w/ her. i emailed mom and told her the girl is going to a friend's house later that day. she said ok. no mention of rescheduling. maybe she knows, without me telling her, what the deal is.

justsomethoughts... said...

kudos to the two of you for being sensible and protective in a good way.

Ali said...

Honey, are you sure we're not sisters or something because I'm sure that's my parents you're describing! Family just suck. Lucky that we have both created great families of our own.

Not Your Aunt B said...

I agree with the hubs to protect her. Only because she is young, and while she has pinned your mom's intentions down to a t, she 1) does not deserve to be the brunt of your mom's hostility and 2) deserves another chance to bond with your mom when she is a little more mature and can decide to on her own terms (this may be ruined if your mom holds grudges).

How you're going to get around it, I dunno. Some people are like pit bulls that won't just let things go so that will require a more creative solution.

And kids always pick up on stuff even without you telling them. They are better at reading body language and tone even though they don't understand what you're saying. She's got good instincts for sure.

Astarte said...

Josie wouldn't want to hang out with my mother, either. And it would be hard to make excuses, but I'd do it, too. I don't want to be with the woman, either!!!

Can you say something about her having a sleepover party to go to? That would take care of the whole weekend, at least, and give you time to think up something else.

The Mayor said...

Your girl is very astute. Experienced that kind of funeral when my father in law died. Most of us were just like...sad that weren't all torn up.