baby mine

Baby mine, don't you cry.

Baby mine, dry your eyes.

Rest your head close to my heart,

never to part, baby of mine.

i don't remember exactly what i was doing at this time 10 years ago, probably sleeping. today is the day the boy, my baby was born. after the fiasco birth we enjoyed w/ the girl (and the emergency c-section that resulted) we opted for a scheduled c-section w/ the boy. he was born at 11:21 a.m. today, which is also my favorite grandma's bday. we told her in the spring that we were having another baby, she was excited, but she died before he was born.

today the boy enters double digits. where have the last 10 years gone? yesterday he was getting his first kiss from my beagle (who's been buried in the backyard for a few yrs now).

he is such an enigma at times. as a baby/toddler he was very shy. he stuck close to me and the hubs, didn't really like strangers, didn't really like other people holding him (unlike the girl who would go to anyone). now they have completely changed places. the boy is, on the surface, extroverted. he is friendly and social and caring. he thinks about other people. he is thoughtful.

but underneath? he still plays things close to the chest. he does not complain, he does not spill his guts about what's on his mind, at least not all at once. although, oddly enough, he's not good at keeping a secret. he is loving and cuddly and also quick to anger and hard.

his artistic abilities amaze me and make me jealous. he has such raw talent. he is tenacious, obsessive even. he has a one track mind. he throws himself wholeheartedly into things. he is funny and thrives on praise and admiration.

i love him so, this little baby boy that stole my heart.

design challenged

i need blog design help. i've looked through hundreds of the free templates available and i like bits and pieces of some but i wish i knew how to build my own.

what i'd really love is a header that allowed me to have 2-4 spots for pics that i could switch out whenever i want.

does anyone know how to make one of those?? can anyone tell me how (in plain, untech, terms) to do this?

too little too late?

my mom called yesterday and asked if the girl could come home w/ her after my nephew's bday party on saturday to work on a craft project. the girl loves craft projects. she also asked if the girl could spend the night. i told her i'd talk to the hubs and the girl and get back w/ her.

this is her making an effort toward my child. i will not prevent it, but i also will not make the girl go if she doesn't want to.

i asked the girl. she's so much like the hubs. she was suspicious at first.

her: why? why does she want me to come over?

me: she has some craft project that involves sewing that she wants you to help her w/. she was all secretive to me about the project.

her: well, i don't want to spend the night but i need to know more about the project. does she even know how to sew?

i explained to the girl that the decision was completely hers to make and i would not be hurt/offended/bothered either way, because she does worry about stuff like that. she decided she'd do the project but not spend the night.

then she and the hubs had to take a trip to verizon cos the girl's phone is on the fritz. yes, it is only a couple months old. the hubs informed me of this discussion they had about this weekend.

the girl doesn't want to go at all. he told her what the project would be (because when he and my mom had their talk a few weeks ago she told him) and she said that sounded boring. fair enough. the hubs pointed out that my mom is making an effort. the girl said, she's just making an effort since you all had that talk (we had not told her about the talk, what it was about, etc. the kids just knew the hubs and my mom were going to lunch--granted, this is a once-in-a-lifetime thing). she's always doing stuff w/ n & c (2 of my sister's kids) and she only makes an effort to me, the boy and gameboy (my brother's son) a couple of times a year.

so, despite the fact that for the most part we've tried to hide our feelings and thoughts about all of this, the girl knows. i will not force her to have a relationship with my mom.

she then told the hubs that sometimes she pictures funerals. (I KNOW! it IS weird). she said that when she pictures mine, the hubs', my bro's or my sil's she will be sad and she knows everyone will be crying because we all all good people. it will be sad. but, when she pictures my parents' funerals she said she figures me, my bro and sister will be sad and crying, and n & c will be sad, but she figures she, the boy and gameboy will be sitting there texting or something.

so, what do i tell my mom? obviously not that the girl has pictured herself texting at her funeral.

the hubs says we should be the fall guys. tell her since i'll be out that night (going to sweet t's bachelorette party! whoot) that the hubs wants to spend time w/ the kids alone. i initially thought we should tell my mom flat out--hey, guess what, the girl doesn't want to spend time w/ you. this is you reaping what you sowed bitch. ok, i wouldn't say it like that, but, i'd let her know that the girl chooses not to be w/ her. the hubs doesn't agree w/ this.

ok, and i get that--not wanting the girl to shoulder the responsibility of the decision. because inevitably my mom would some how bring it up to the girl or hold it against the girl. but, i also know my mom. i'll make up an excuse for saturday. then she'll say well, can she come over sunday? or next weekend or the weekend after? she won't let it go. at some point she will make me quit giving her excuses and tell her the real reason.

i know this because 12 years ago when we were deciding who would take the girl if something happened to both of us we chose one of my aunt's and her husband (this has since changed and now my bro and sil would be the lucky winners of two precocious kids) instead of either of our parents. we told them both it was because of their age, though at the time they weren't that old. finally i got tired of coming up w/ excuses and we told them--uh, because dad is an alcoholic and you all are suck ass parents (i'm sure i said it nicer at the time). this of course devastated them and she shared that info w/ everyone, including my dad's mom. SHE was upset because she said it reflected on HER parenting. my dad was so pissed he didn't come to the girl's baptism. it was a cluster fuck. these are my parents.

when less is more

saturday the hubs and i celebrated 17 years of marriage. wow. for some reason 17 has impressed me more or hit me more than the anniversaries that have come before.

depending on the year and our financial and child situation we've done everything from have a date night to go to the beach (where we honeymooned) to no gifts to extravagant gifts.

this year we had a great day. we opted not to do gifts in light of...well, hell, i don't have a job and christmas is coming and then there was the whole debit card debacle (which is pretty much straightened out).

we took the kids to get pumpkins--we always get four--and then we carved them and roasted pumpkin seeds (the girl and i LOVE them). we went to dinner at my favorite restaurant and there was some nooky in there somewhere as well for good measure. we looked through our wedding album. i cried. on our honeymoon we wrote each other letters to be read on our first anniversary. we read those, along w/ our vows, and of course i bawled. so sweet. so tender.

sometimes on anniversaries or birthdays we get so wrapped up into making it an event, into finding that perfect gift that tells the other person how very much you love them, as if it's even possible to convey so much love w/ an object. we concentrate on those things so much that we actually forget to live in the moment and realize why we're together. it was good to savor the day and remember why i married the bad boy turned best friend turned boy friend turned lover turned husband.

paranoid much?

two separate incidents have happened recently that have made me paranoid.

first--a couple of days ago i got an email in my creative kerfuffle email box and i ignored it at first. something about a magazine and would i like to....i don't know, i skimmed it. when i did finally read it (i really thought it was spam) it was from an online magazine for women that wanted to sell me an ad to promote my blog on their web site. i wrote back (still thinking it was spam) and said i didn't really think my content was suitable for their readers---i mean i say fuck and douche canoe and talk about lots of....stuff. she wrote back and said she'd read some of my posts and thought her readership was a good fit. alas, i'm not spending money to promote my blog. it's private. it's only for you guys. and me. mostly for me.

second--about a week ago we got a letter from a heathcare provider saying that a server of theirs which housed some of my records had been hacked. they had since shut that server down etc. taken all the precautions on their end, etc. but i should contact the credit companies. when the hubs told me about the letter i have to be honest, i half listened and didn't think it was a huge concern. if someone wants to steal what little money i have, let them try. then, today, i had a voicemail from someone claiming to be from my bank's debit card fraud agency. i called the toll free number. the guy asked for my social. i said, uh, no, not to be rude but i don't even know that this is my bank, i'm not giving you that info. he said fine, go into your local branch or call the number on the back of your card. i called my local branch. the woman said she'd had another call like mine this week and that i needed to speak to their fraud guy--i left him a voicemail. then i dug out the letter that started this whole thing and found the info to call equifax. oddly enough, that automated system asked for my social, address and phone number. i gave it. crap. was the WHOLE thing a scam? the letter a fake? the equifax number a phony?

both of these things kind of freak me out a little.

holy hell. i bet the da vinci code is REAL and so is area 51 and johnson had kennedy killed. great.

HOLE.E.HELL--before i posted this i got another call and indeed it was my bank's debit card fraud department and some douche canoe in richmond, va has our debit card numbers and is going to town at walmart, target and cvs. just today. so, the cards are closed down and once all those charges post my bank will refund all the money. HOLE.E.HELL batman.

a dress is just a dress. right?

the other night i was flipping through the channels and came upon this show, say yes to the dress; it's about brides-to-be choosing their wedding gowns. i watched an episode or two, enthralled, not with the dresses themselves but with the process these brides went through and the money they forked out.

afterwards i was a dork and went to try on my own wedding dress. yes, it still fits and is actually a tad bit too big. ha. the boy said it was pretty. the girl said it was too plain. and, in fact, it is very plain by today's standards. i told the girl she could have my dress to have remade into something she'd wear when she got married and she just looked at me like i was on crack. i decided instead that depending on what we actually do for our 20th anniversary (in 3 yrs) i might just have the dress redesigned for myself. anywho.

with our anniversary coming up tomorrow i guess i've been reminiscing about our wedding a bit. 17 years ago we obviously were much younger and we were much, much poorer. i think we might have spent $2,000 on our wedding/honeymoon combined, although to hear my dad tell the story he paid for the wedding (and my college education)--both of these are flat out lies. having people over to your house for kfc for a rehearsal dinner is not paying for the wedding. i bought the fabric and the pattern for my dress and one of my aunts made it for me as a wedding gift. i still, mostly, like it. there is no adornment, it is a creamy silk, w/ an almost feather/flower pattern in the silk. it is floor length, sweetheart neckline, fitted bodice, unflattering puffy short cap sleeves (it was 1992 for god's sake) and an unflattering flared out waist.

my three bridesmaids also had their dresses made---black velvet tops w/ magenta and black striped skirts (shut up--it was pretty). we picked out invitations at hallmark. one of my bridesmaids and i made their bouquets and my bouquet to toss. i purchased my bouquet, silk flowers, and still have it. we had only been living in nc for about a year at the time and didn't belong to a church so we got married at a baptist church within spitting distance of my parents' house. for music we made a mix tape (this was before cds i believe) of songs that meant something to us. it mysteriously disappeared on our wedding day--i think the baptist preacher just didn't want to play chicago or bryan adams music in his church--and the preacher's wife played some piano music instead. we wrote our vows. on the video (taped by my uncle along w/ photos, another wedding gift) you really cannot hear them because i was so quiet and crying the whole time. i tend to get emotional. duh. the reception was at the church fellowship hall. there was no alcohol and the music, again, a mixed tape. the cake was lovely, made, as a wedding gift, by one of my then friend/co-workers. my aunts served punch and snacks. we actually opened wedding gifts at the reception.

sometimes i have been ashamed of the frugality and smallness of our wedding, especially when compared to ones i've been to since then, but it was what we could afford and it was about us, me and him, and our hearts and the ways we wanted to express our love to each other (not like the wedding carrie had planned for big in the sex in the city movie that we watched the other night). even though i want to have a big 20 year celebration, possibly a renewal of vows ceremony, i would not trade my small, inexpensive wedding for anything in the world.

bullying my ass

*no, this is not a post about anal sex. if that's what you were looking for come back later...i mean move along.

we have had a bit of drama a chez kerfuffle (how apropos no?) this week.

monday the girl came home as usual and after she laid down her book bag she came to me in tears. she'd been reported to the bully patrol. she was hysterical. she kept saying she was sorry, she hadn't bullied anyone; it was the hard crying, where you can't understand a word they're saying, and they're hiccuping at the same time. she was devastated.

i can hear you, those of you who know her IRL, saying WTF? the girl? a bully? uh, no fucking way. i am not one of those parents who think their kid does no wrong---but the girl being called a bully would be like....like saying i don't have a dirty mind. it's just never going to be.

apparently she and a friend had a tiff in class on friday about who was going to grade whose (or who's?) paper. there was no yelling, no cussing, etc. the girl and i do not like in person confrontation at all. and particularly not at school, work, public. so i know this was not a fight. later that day the other little girl and her "posse" kept talking about and pointing at the girl.

monday the girl was called in to the vice principal's office because someone had made an anonymous call to the bully hot line saying she was bullying this little girl. oy fucking vey. the vp got the girl's side of the story and basically told her to try to avoid the drama in the future. um, unkay...the girl wasn't creating drama. meanwhile the other little girl is calling their mutual friends and asking which side they're on, threatening them that if they talk about her THEY might get reported, etc. also in the meanwhile she is calling the girl! monday, after the girl comes home devastated and beside herself this little bitch tries to call her 4 times.

finally the girl answers the phone (on speaker so i can hear) and the little bitch tries to act like nothing happened. basically the call was, hey, i'm bored what are you doing? the girl and i are looking at each other incredulously when the girl says to her--you know, you can't be mean to a friend like that and expect to keep them, goodbye. and she hung up.

the hubs was ready to go to school monday and open a can of whoop ass. the girl was not yet ready to unleash him. tuesday came and went, no drama.

wednesday the girl came home, in tears but not hysterical, again. she was again talked to by the vp because someone called, anonymously, AGAIN! the girl had not even talked to this little bitch in school since the friday incident and out of school not since the phone call, even though the little bitch was calling the girl and leaving messages.

the girl was ready for the hubs to get involved. she gets home from school by about 2:10--the hubs dropped what he was doing and was at the school w/in 20 minutes. he explained that the girl was not a bully and that maybe this anonymous hot line, while useful in some instances, was being used to stir shit in this case. the vp agreed that might be possible. duh. the hubs said that while he was sure in two years when the boy got to middle school, that he and she would be on a first name basis, he was quite certain that the girl was not bullying anyone and she needed to quit being called in to the office because she was getting highly upset and that in turn highly upset the hubs.

after his visit w/ the vp she got a phone call from one of the girl's friend's parents who also was pissed about this situation. her child is a mutual friend of the girl and the bitch and the bitch kept calling her trying to put her in the middle and throwing out veiled threats about this girl getting reported too. this girl's mother was also pissed and let the vp know about it.

thursday night the vp called the hubs while he was taking the boy to karate. she had gotten to the bottom of the issue. the little bitch was upset because the girl and the mutual friend were becoming better friends and she felt left out. so, she decided to cause some drama to force the attention back on her, hoping this would bring her and the girl closer. uh fucking REALLY? she is out of her fucking 7th grade mind if she thinks she will ever be allowed to come to a party, sleep over, play date at this house ever, ever again, i don't care if she and the girl eventually make up. but, i kinda doubt this little plan of hers will work--the girl does not like getting in trouble at school. she does not like this type of drama. way to go douche canoe kid.

*****************
while we're on the subject of the girl---

her cell phone curfew is 9 pm. she cannot call or text after 9 pm. most school nights my kids go to bed at 9 pm (they are soon to be 10 and 12). i cannot tell you how many texts the girl gets after 9pm, usually from the same girl. and the thing is? the girl says she has told her friends of this curfew and a few of them ignore it. and the one that ignores it the most is a little girl i know well, know her parents well and i have the feeling they have no idea she's doing it. i am nosey mcnosey butt and i periodically ask about texts and calls. the girl knows i can, and do, pick up her phone at will to review her messages. i don't do this often, i've done it maybe twice since she got it. i also know that because she knows this she can delete anything she doesn't want me to see. but, i talk openly to her about what she says or does there can be seen by anyone because kids forward shit, etc..

also, semi non sequitor---i walk my kids to the bus stop. is that weird? the girl's stop is retarded. it literally is at the end of our street (the bus drives by our house to get to her stop, and she's the only one at the stop), which is two houses away. i cannot see it from our house because of trees. however, it is at the intersection of a busy rural road and while there is a street light there, i am not comfortable, especially now that it is dark, for her to stand there for 5-10 mins by herself in the morning.

the boy's stop is also semi near, but it is around the corner in a neighbor's driveway (because their last kid is in 5th grade), which faces this same busy rural road. although the sun is up by the time he's to be at the bus stop, i still don't feel comfortable having him stand there in the morning.

they both get off the buses, at the same stops, in the afternoon and i do not meet them. seems weird huh?

scientifical fact

ok, maybe not scientifical, but sometimes sex really does make things better. just sayin'.

yes, this is a real conversation

me: ya know, maybe i could start a phone sex line to make money.

hubs: yeah, i've thought about that, but i bet they're hurting because of the economy.

me: true. people probably wouldn't spend money on that if they're out of a job.

hubs: i read somewhere that the adult entertainment industry has been hit hard (get it, hard) by the economy and all the free porn on the internet. porn stars who were making $150,000 last year are making $30,000-$40,000 this year.

me: hmph. yeah, i feel real sorry for them.

hubs: someone should pay me to have sex. could you imagine--yeah, gotta go into the office today. what? another cum shot? oh, alright. what? you want me to do it again? damn. TWO girls? you are such a slave driver. yeah, this is a tough job.

me: you were just dreaming of getting paid to live out your fantasies weren't you?

hubs: (laughing) uh, yeah.

reading

i did not realize how behind i've gotten on your blogs! holy cow. ok, so i'm sitting on the patio, the fountain is trickling in the background, it is a beautiful, dare i say glorious? day. breezy, but not too breezy, i can hear the leaves rustling in the tree tops, crickets, birds flitting around and chirping. the hubs will be home from work in about an hour and then it will be dinner and braving the attic to bring down stuff for a yard sale on saturday.

their is a big yard sale at the girl's school saturday and all the money she makes will go towards her trip to the outerbanks of nc in march. it sounds like it will be a great trip--jockey ridge, kitty hawk, lighthouses, aquarium, ferry rides, stalking wild horses. she's excited.

the boy was home sick again today---doc says it's bronchitis. he's got some meds and i hope to send him to school tomorrow.

ok, off to read more of you. : )

i'm alive...and there are bullets

this is just a quick update to let you all know (are you still there???) that i'm still alive and am doing much better than was indicated by my last two posts. i hit a low point there for a few days. then the girl got sick the last two days of the week, doc said no strep or flu, she was sick all weekend then the doc called monday and it was strep. she's finally back at school but today the boy is home w/ a cough and fever. soooo, while he's feeling much better than the girl did i'm waiting to see if it turns into strep.

we were supposed to go to a family cookout saturday, but w/ the girl having a fever and being sick we didn't. it is probably for the best. i have calmed down from all of that as well, it will go back into hiding for awhile again. thank you to those who commented or emailed. i know that was quite a bomb to drop. i feel better for getting it off my chest, but am curious about the people irl who read it and haven't said anything about it. they don't know what to say? they're embarrassed? too much? i don't know. but, regardless, it is ok. it is something that i'll always carry w/ me i'm sure.

i am still frustrated about the job---had high hopes for it and it seemed like it was a perfect fit for me in so many ways. i am trying to get back on the horse, find something else to apply for and get back in that groove. nothing looks promising so far this week. i keep trying to hold on to hope though.

i am reminded, daily, that there are so many people who have it worse than we do. we are fortunate that we've been able to stay afloat this long, but i really do need to get back to work. i am feeling unproductive (aside from needing to financially).

what else?

* i finished the time traveler's wife. great book. sad, but great. i don't want to see the movie though.

*october is a busy month for us. the boy turns 10 in a few weeks, my sil and nephew also have bdays this month, our anniversary is coming up (17 years!) and of course my favorite holiday, halloween : )

*we're doing some yard projects, i'll take and post a pic of our latest one today or tomorrow.

update--here are shots of the latest project. the red brick chips circle the pool (to the left) and the hubs created this vignette in front of the lattice that hides the pool pump/motor stuff. tres cool yes? the lotus thing is a fountain.

*we are thinking about taking the kids here for an overnight trip the weekend of our anniversary (oct. 17).

*is it weird that i think adam from mythbusters is hot? (did you know that eel skin wallets are not made from eels but from hagfish? yeah, me neither)