baby mine

Baby mine, don't you cry.

Baby mine, dry your eyes.

Rest your head close to my heart,

never to part, baby of mine.

i don't remember exactly what i was doing at this time 10 years ago, probably sleeping. today is the day the boy, my baby was born. after the fiasco birth we enjoyed w/ the girl (and the emergency c-section that resulted) we opted for a scheduled c-section w/ the boy. he was born at 11:21 a.m. today, which is also my favorite grandma's bday. we told her in the spring that we were having another baby, she was excited, but she died before he was born.

today the boy enters double digits. where have the last 10 years gone? yesterday he was getting his first kiss from my beagle (who's been buried in the backyard for a few yrs now).

he is such an enigma at times. as a baby/toddler he was very shy. he stuck close to me and the hubs, didn't really like strangers, didn't really like other people holding him (unlike the girl who would go to anyone). now they have completely changed places. the boy is, on the surface, extroverted. he is friendly and social and caring. he thinks about other people. he is thoughtful.

but underneath? he still plays things close to the chest. he does not complain, he does not spill his guts about what's on his mind, at least not all at once. although, oddly enough, he's not good at keeping a secret. he is loving and cuddly and also quick to anger and hard.

his artistic abilities amaze me and make me jealous. he has such raw talent. he is tenacious, obsessive even. he has a one track mind. he throws himself wholeheartedly into things. he is funny and thrives on praise and admiration.

i love him so, this little baby boy that stole my heart.

design challenged

i need blog design help. i've looked through hundreds of the free templates available and i like bits and pieces of some but i wish i knew how to build my own.

what i'd really love is a header that allowed me to have 2-4 spots for pics that i could switch out whenever i want.

does anyone know how to make one of those?? can anyone tell me how (in plain, untech, terms) to do this?

too little too late?

my mom called yesterday and asked if the girl could come home w/ her after my nephew's bday party on saturday to work on a craft project. the girl loves craft projects. she also asked if the girl could spend the night. i told her i'd talk to the hubs and the girl and get back w/ her.

this is her making an effort toward my child. i will not prevent it, but i also will not make the girl go if she doesn't want to.

i asked the girl. she's so much like the hubs. she was suspicious at first.

her: why? why does she want me to come over?

me: she has some craft project that involves sewing that she wants you to help her w/. she was all secretive to me about the project.

her: well, i don't want to spend the night but i need to know more about the project. does she even know how to sew?

i explained to the girl that the decision was completely hers to make and i would not be hurt/offended/bothered either way, because she does worry about stuff like that. she decided she'd do the project but not spend the night.

then she and the hubs had to take a trip to verizon cos the girl's phone is on the fritz. yes, it is only a couple months old. the hubs informed me of this discussion they had about this weekend.

the girl doesn't want to go at all. he told her what the project would be (because when he and my mom had their talk a few weeks ago she told him) and she said that sounded boring. fair enough. the hubs pointed out that my mom is making an effort. the girl said, she's just making an effort since you all had that talk (we had not told her about the talk, what it was about, etc. the kids just knew the hubs and my mom were going to lunch--granted, this is a once-in-a-lifetime thing). she's always doing stuff w/ n & c (2 of my sister's kids) and she only makes an effort to me, the boy and gameboy (my brother's son) a couple of times a year.

so, despite the fact that for the most part we've tried to hide our feelings and thoughts about all of this, the girl knows. i will not force her to have a relationship with my mom.

she then told the hubs that sometimes she pictures funerals. (I KNOW! it IS weird). she said that when she pictures mine, the hubs', my bro's or my sil's she will be sad and she knows everyone will be crying because we all all good people. it will be sad. but, when she pictures my parents' funerals she said she figures me, my bro and sister will be sad and crying, and n & c will be sad, but she figures she, the boy and gameboy will be sitting there texting or something.

so, what do i tell my mom? obviously not that the girl has pictured herself texting at her funeral.

the hubs says we should be the fall guys. tell her since i'll be out that night (going to sweet t's bachelorette party! whoot) that the hubs wants to spend time w/ the kids alone. i initially thought we should tell my mom flat out--hey, guess what, the girl doesn't want to spend time w/ you. this is you reaping what you sowed bitch. ok, i wouldn't say it like that, but, i'd let her know that the girl chooses not to be w/ her. the hubs doesn't agree w/ this.

ok, and i get that--not wanting the girl to shoulder the responsibility of the decision. because inevitably my mom would some how bring it up to the girl or hold it against the girl. but, i also know my mom. i'll make up an excuse for saturday. then she'll say well, can she come over sunday? or next weekend or the weekend after? she won't let it go. at some point she will make me quit giving her excuses and tell her the real reason.

i know this because 12 years ago when we were deciding who would take the girl if something happened to both of us we chose one of my aunt's and her husband (this has since changed and now my bro and sil would be the lucky winners of two precocious kids) instead of either of our parents. we told them both it was because of their age, though at the time they weren't that old. finally i got tired of coming up w/ excuses and we told them--uh, because dad is an alcoholic and you all are suck ass parents (i'm sure i said it nicer at the time). this of course devastated them and she shared that info w/ everyone, including my dad's mom. SHE was upset because she said it reflected on HER parenting. my dad was so pissed he didn't come to the girl's baptism. it was a cluster fuck. these are my parents.

when less is more

saturday the hubs and i celebrated 17 years of marriage. wow. for some reason 17 has impressed me more or hit me more than the anniversaries that have come before.

depending on the year and our financial and child situation we've done everything from have a date night to go to the beach (where we honeymooned) to no gifts to extravagant gifts.

this year we had a great day. we opted not to do gifts in light of...well, hell, i don't have a job and christmas is coming and then there was the whole debit card debacle (which is pretty much straightened out).

we took the kids to get pumpkins--we always get four--and then we carved them and roasted pumpkin seeds (the girl and i LOVE them). we went to dinner at my favorite restaurant and there was some nooky in there somewhere as well for good measure. we looked through our wedding album. i cried. on our honeymoon we wrote each other letters to be read on our first anniversary. we read those, along w/ our vows, and of course i bawled. so sweet. so tender.

sometimes on anniversaries or birthdays we get so wrapped up into making it an event, into finding that perfect gift that tells the other person how very much you love them, as if it's even possible to convey so much love w/ an object. we concentrate on those things so much that we actually forget to live in the moment and realize why we're together. it was good to savor the day and remember why i married the bad boy turned best friend turned boy friend turned lover turned husband.

paranoid much?

two separate incidents have happened recently that have made me paranoid.

first--a couple of days ago i got an email in my creative kerfuffle email box and i ignored it at first. something about a magazine and would i like to....i don't know, i skimmed it. when i did finally read it (i really thought it was spam) it was from an online magazine for women that wanted to sell me an ad to promote my blog on their web site. i wrote back (still thinking it was spam) and said i didn't really think my content was suitable for their readers---i mean i say fuck and douche canoe and talk about lots of....stuff. she wrote back and said she'd read some of my posts and thought her readership was a good fit. alas, i'm not spending money to promote my blog. it's private. it's only for you guys. and me. mostly for me.

second--about a week ago we got a letter from a heathcare provider saying that a server of theirs which housed some of my records had been hacked. they had since shut that server down etc. taken all the precautions on their end, etc. but i should contact the credit companies. when the hubs told me about the letter i have to be honest, i half listened and didn't think it was a huge concern. if someone wants to steal what little money i have, let them try. then, today, i had a voicemail from someone claiming to be from my bank's debit card fraud agency. i called the toll free number. the guy asked for my social. i said, uh, no, not to be rude but i don't even know that this is my bank, i'm not giving you that info. he said fine, go into your local branch or call the number on the back of your card. i called my local branch. the woman said she'd had another call like mine this week and that i needed to speak to their fraud guy--i left him a voicemail. then i dug out the letter that started this whole thing and found the info to call equifax. oddly enough, that automated system asked for my social, address and phone number. i gave it. crap. was the WHOLE thing a scam? the letter a fake? the equifax number a phony?

both of these things kind of freak me out a little.

holy hell. i bet the da vinci code is REAL and so is area 51 and johnson had kennedy killed. great.

HOLE.E.HELL--before i posted this i got another call and indeed it was my bank's debit card fraud department and some douche canoe in richmond, va has our debit card numbers and is going to town at walmart, target and cvs. just today. so, the cards are closed down and once all those charges post my bank will refund all the money. HOLE.E.HELL batman.