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the title is blank because...well, because i can't think of a good title. i have a really great post i need to write, but this isn't it. the great, positive, shiny happy post to come is about the girl and i taking a mother/daughter trip for a few days last week and how great it was.

several things prevented me from coming home and immediately dripping w/ happiness all over a blog post about it. i am in pain. physical pain. i do not know what in fuck i have done to my shoulder/back but i am in constant pain. it certainly didn't come from exercising. well, if i raise my hand over my head a certain way it doesn't hurt. if i put heat or pressure on it, it doesn't hurt. if i hold it a certain way and stick out my tongue and cross my eyes it doesn't hurt, well, sometimes, but sometimes i can do exactly that and it hurts anyway. i can still move it all around, rotate it, use it, etc. but otherwise, yeah, it fucking hurts.

after our splendiferous mother/daughter time the girl had a bit of a friend drama thing that led to her lying to me. when i confronted her about it she said she couldn't talk to me because when she does i try to make her see i understand by telling her a story from when i was her age. she said she could talk to the hubs because he's straight forward. nothing like feeling like you just got stabbed in the back after an awesome bonding time. s'ok. i'll get over it.

also? yeah, w/ the parent drama my mom tried to circumnavigate the whole fucking issue, sweep it under the rug like she's always done, by inviting the kids and i to lunch this week. i said nope, not until we resolve this. so far i still haven't heard from her.

i had a telephone interview today for some possible freelance work. omfg. it was horrible. it's my fault, i got cocky. i had already sent in my resume, writing samples, and had emailed w/ the woman prior. the interview today was not w/ her but someone else w/ the company, a guy i knew in my former two jobs. i felt the interview was sort of....i don't know...for show? because he knows me, knows my work, knew me at both previous jobs and knows i know how to do the writing they need me to do. he basically asked me what i'm doing now (uh, looking for work ass hat), what my hourly rate is, how i'd feel about the project (uh, i've been out of work for a year, i'd feel good about any project right about now) and then said it would be a few weeks before they made a decision. for fucking real????? omg. and when i say i got cocky, it was in my head that i did so. i thought this "interview" was just a formality and that i'd have a freelance gig in hand. and? the dude was trying desperately to be funny and asked me some sports-related question. something like, oh, and the most important question is--who are you rooting for in the final four? ummmm, dude, i don't do sports. i know i live in nc and that means i am supposed to be foaming at the mouth over this march madness crap, but really? i could not care less. of course i didn't say that. after telling him i don't watch sports he then asked me if i knew so and so--some big football guy from pittsburgh. hmmm, nope.

and i've been thinking that i bitch a lot here. there aren't a lot of happy happy joy posts lately. then i remembered that i started this for me. i was lucky enough to "meet" some great people who also blog, people i've come to feel connected to. and i figure if you're still reading, you get it. you realize that while i may lean toward the crazy side and that right now things are sucking big green donkey balls, at some point i will write something more entertaining or uplifting or positive.

while i am writing what might be the blogosphere's longest bitch, wtf is going on w/ LOST? for those of you who watch that is. omfg. there are 6 episodes left and i swear to the easter bunny that i have no more understanding of what's going on today than i did when i started watching this damn thing.

also on my tv radar are discovery's life series---the photography and filming on this are astounding but frankly i think the writing sucks balls. also, in plain sight on usa, starts back tonight. love that show. probably because the lead actor came from west wing and west wing characters show up on there from time to time, plus, i just like the story.

i will have pics to share soon. things are blooming, spring has sprung, and i will get out of this fucking funk.

he really is the best thing since sliced bread

i'm talking about the hubs.

he is the best fucking dad ever. i drove 20+ hours this weekend to make sure the boy could compete in his first karate competition.

knowing that the girl is devastated that she's missing her 7th grade trip this week he told me to book a hotel and take her to the beach for a couple of days, just the two of us. we leave thursday morning and come home saturday.

he is the best fucking hubs ever. he knows the turmoil i'm going through w/ my folks. he listens to me vent. he displays the right amount of anger and frustration and tells me all of the things he would do and say if i let him off his leash w/ them. this amuses and comforts me.

he called me today and told me he could get me something i want. i immediately thought weed, although i quit doing it a little while ago on the off chance that i'll get called in for a job interview and get drug tested, i said, uh, i'm on hiatus from that. he said no, something little and furry. a little puppy. oy vey. i said no. he wants to get me a puppy to cheer me up. we can't have another dog right now. we have two big dogs that require boarding if we all go out of town together. still, it was so sweet of him to think about it.

also? he fucking smells awesome when he leaves for work in the morning. i like hugging up on him and smelling him on me after he leaves.

if....

.....my adult daughter ever sends me an email telling me she and her family won't be coming to my house any more because the environment is toxic but that i can still visit my grandkids at her house, i would be on the phone calling her in a heartbeat.

......my granddaughter had mono and i knew she was missing her much-anticipated class trip this week i'd be calling her.

.......my grandson had just won 7 awards at an out-of-state-karate tournament i'd be calling him and not just writing way to go or something on his facebook.

don't get me wrong, i had a great time this weekend with the girl. friday night she and my SIL and i went to the movies and saw bounty hunter. saturday the girl and i went to the mall (which i loathe but know she loves) and had mexican food for dinner. the girl picked at her food. i asked if she didn't like it and she said she likes tacos at home but in general doesn't like mexican food. i asked why she didn't say so, we could have gone somewhere else. she said she knew i liked it and sometimes you make sacrifices for people you love. (yeah, WOW). sunday we took the dogs for their first visit to the dog park. they hated it. they were the biggest dogs there and yet they acted like big ole' chickens, not leaving our side for a minute. they were shy. they didn't want to interact w/ the other dogs. (i pointed out they were much like the girl in middle school, she just looked at me but didn't deny it). then we watched everyone's fine (w/ drew barrymore and robert de niro) which was totally depressing. the hubs and the boy got home around dinner time and then we started falling back into our normal patterns.

but always underneath, and especially when i go to sleep, there are these thoughts about my parents. i wish i could borrow someones parent and tell them my story and have them tell me if i'm crazy or over reacting or wrong. years ago, when i was very close to one of my aunts, i told her about what happened w/ my dad. she was sick, literally. she was astounded that my mom did nothing. and yet, after that, we drifted a part and she continued and solidified her close relationship w/ my mom. they talk every day. this same aunt used to be very close to the girl and yet she drifted from her as well. perhaps there is something else, but if you just look at things the way they happened, my aunt turned her back on us, despite everything she knew.

a matter of perspective

the girl and i have been on our own this weekend. i think the last time we were was a couple of years ago when she had a slumber party for her birthday and the hubs and boy went to a hotel for the night.

when i was working i traveled a lot, every other month it seemed, and being away from the hubs and kids was the norm. it's not the norm any more and feels weird. they're on their way home now---the boy is loaded down with SEVEN karate trophies! five first place, a second place and a third place. i cannot wait to hear all of the details and see the pictures. SEVEN. we thought he was good, but he's a big fish in a little pond here. but to go to a tournament and do so well---WOW.

spending all of this alone time w/ the girl has given me a new perspective on something. growing up an army brat and moving every three years made me want to be one of those people who lived in the same town and went to the same school with the same people from k-12. i thought that was idyllic. the grass is always greener.

the girl has been in the same school district since kindergarten. she has friends that she's known since then. however, periodically we go through a stage where she says she has no friends. that happened friday night after the movie. i could tell, both during the movie and afterwards, that something was bothering her. she was too quiet.

eventually i drug it out of her. seeing the people w/ boyfriends/girlfriends at the movies made her sad because everyone (it's always everyone) at school is dating except her. everyone has a boyfriend. boys don't like her. they tease her because she's smart. then the rest of the tale came out....she only has three friends. nobody else likes her, she's not in the cool kids clique. one girl who has been one of her "besties" for the last year or so joined cheerleading and apparently lost her brain in the process. not to dis on any of you who might have been cheerleaders growing up, but it sounds like this particular girl has embraced the stereotypical mean girl/cheerleader persona and my girl cannot understand it. this is the same girl who has spent the night at our house several times and who the girl has spent the night w/. she's being a cunt, a conceited cunt at that.

i longed for the hubs to be here to talk to her, sad as that may sound. he's so much better at this than i am. i got angry (w/ the kids who hurt her feelings) and frustrated w/ myself because i can't think of a plausible way to make her feel better and see things the way i see them.

it is hard as a 41 yr old to tell a 13 yr old that being popular isn't important. that the kids who poke fun at her for answering questions in class are probably students who are embarrassed because they can't.

the girl's lack of friends has been a theme running through her life since she started school. i know some of the problems do come from her...she is terribly shy and doesn't stand up for herself. she comes off as being aloof. i know this, i see this. i try to nudge her out of it, not push, not be obvious, but nudge. i also told her that while there might be some boys who were teasing her because that's what 7th grade boys do, there are also some boys that were teasing her because they like her. sadly i cannot distinguish which are which. i tried to make her understand that it is not the quantity of friends you have but the quality and if someone is only your friend when everyone else is busy or they constantly say things to make you feel bad, then they aren't your true friend. i also suggested she talk to one of her good friends about it. get a peer's perspective on the situation.

the thing is---unless the girl invites the friends she does have to do things like go to the movies or sleep over, nothing happens. rarely is she invited to a sleepover or to go to the movies w/ friends or whatever. i don't know how to get her in the loop. i know that where we live plays a certain part in it. we live in an older neighborhood w/ few (if any) kids. there is THE neighborhood near us. i'm sure every city has one--it's the younger neighborhood w/ the cookie cutter houses, bigger than starter homes, but still cookie cutter, and the mom's are stepford wives and the yards are small and the kids all play together and form a clique and date each other and exclude everyone else and....whew...ok, so you get the picture.

it is hard for this 41 year old who was never a popular kid, who wanted to be popular but who has gained some perspective since becoming an adult, to try to persuade her 13 year old that it's not important. i'm beginning to think that going to school w/ mostly the same people from k-12 isn't all i cracked it up to be. at least when i moved every three years there was a chance to start over, make new friends. i never changed, i was always the good girl nerd, but still, a change of venue wasn't always a bad thing.

girls just want to have fun

the boy and the hubs are on their way to PA for a karate tournament this weekend. the boy is doing so well in karate. i can't even begin to tell you how committed he is to it. it's his thing right now, and possibly for quite awhile. he goes to a class 5-6 days a week. he started in september and he's already a blue belt and he's in the black belt club. which, to me basically means he's REALLY into it and his goal is to get his black belt. and he gets to wear a blue uniform. anyway, this is his first competition and he's stoked. the girl and i stayed behind, partly to keep costs down (and so we didn't have to board the dogs) and partly because she's got the mono. (although, knock on wood, she's showing improvement and has gone to school the last two days.) when i talked to the hubs earlier (it's an 8 hour drive) they were in traffic in dc. the boy was excited to tell me they drove by the washington monument (that big pointy building he said), the lincoln memorial and the capitol building and the presidential copter flew over their car. they hope to be able to stop on the way home sunday and take some pictures.

that leaves the girl and i to our own devices this weekend. i had thought this would be a perfect excuse to have a little friends get together, but honestly not knowing what each day will bring w/ how the girl feels i just can't plan that far in advance. we have decided, last minute, to take in a movie this evening and the SIL is coming w/. we make a great trifecta and i can't wait until bossy butt gets older and we become a foursome : )

as soon as the girl got home from school she was antsy to get the girls' weekend going so we had to go to tarjay, cos her allowance was burning a hole in her pocket. she was overcome w/ excitement because there were 24 cent folders on clearance, and notebooks : ) that's my kid. she admitted to being a school supply hoarder.

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in other news---i took the cowardly way out and emailed my mom today. after last weekend's events i've yet to hear from my dad (not that i expected any differently) and my mom has emailed me each day to check on the girl. i am such a wuss. confrontation drives me nuts and i get my thoughts out better by writing them rather than speaking them anyway. so today i emailed her and basically said i didn't think they understood how serious the situation is. i said my kids will not be around my dad, at all. if she wants to see her grandkids she can come to our house. i did not try to be harsh or hateful, but i told her i'd put up w/ more than any kid ever needed to put up w/ from a parent and i wasn't doing that to my kids.

i am sure she has taken to her bed and will no doubt be sleeping/stressed/depressed all weekend. that is her motis operandi. poor me. my sister is also poised to speak w/ her about taking back custody of her two kids. (my parents have had temporary custody of two of my sister's kids for years partially because they all used to live w/ my folks and partially because of my sister's past emotional roller coaster rides).

that will be the third part of that trifecta--having major confrontations w/ each of your adult children in the the span of three weeks. you'd think that would give someone a clue about their relationships. you'd think one would stop and say, huh, something is totally fucked up here and maybe i need to fix it. though honestly, there are things that can't be fixed amid all of this. my mom will no doubt cry on her sisters' shoulders about how awful her life is, how she tries so hard to get along w/ her kids and they've turned their backs on her, how she's married to a drunk and her life sucks. i used to feel sorry for her. i don't any more. she's sat idly by and let much of what's wrong happen and then looks up, surprised, that her life is the way it is.

early morning sounds

there's the hum of the central heating unit...

...and the familiar deep snore from the back bedroom.

the sporadic gurgle of the coffee pot in the kitchen. i'm certain it's near to serving its last cup.

if i'm very quiet i can hear the wind chimes in the back yard and an occasional bird, though it's still a little before dawn and the birds aren't quite awake either.

there is the random licking noise coming from the couch as leah cleans her black-lab paw...

...and in bursts of energy that are out of place in this quiet time, jasper comes tearing through the room and then off again on his morning cat adventures.

i had the last word

those of you who've been reading this blog for awhile know that i don't have the greatest relationship w/ my parents. it is a .... pathetic relationship at best.

last weekend my brother sat down and had an adult, non-antagonistic discussion with them about communication in general and how their lack of communication w/ each other and their miscommunication w/ the rest of us lead to turmoil and most of the family drama we often find ourselves in. not that he asked for it, but i was proud of him. he didn't go in there w/ accusations or blame or anger, he just matter-of-factly said here are the problems and here's what we all need to do. my dad of course could not even nut up enough to accept any responsibility for any wrong doing, ever, for anything. couldn't even admit that there might be a communication problem. no surprise there.

i have been saying for awhile that i needed to sit down and have a talk w/ my mom. lay things out on the table. but of course i hadn't done that yet. my brother and the hubs, they are always the brave ones, not afraid of confronting my parents. i say it's because i don't care and that i don't need to confront them because i know they won't change and it doesn't matter enough to me to confront them. frankly, that's a lie and a cop out. somewhere inside me there is still a part that may be able to passively deal w/ my parents but not aggressively or physically deal with them.

that changed today. sometimes i guess when you don't have the courage or the ability to stand up for yourself, you find that courage and ability to stand up for your kids.

we went to my folks house for my dad's birthday. that in itself...well, frankly it just makes me crazy that i have to celebrate his birthday. they don't make a happy birthday you fucktard cards, and i felt that way before anything even happened. i made the mistake of telling my aunt the girl had mono. she's a nurse, i meant to talk to her about it, but, the conversation never got that far. my dad immediately said something he thought was funny, something about the girl kissing someone. then my uncle said something and i don't know what else was said. i said they could all kiss my ass, in a semi-teasing tone, and walked out of the room. later my dad, who rarely speaks to my kids anyway, teased the girl about it again.

when we got in the car to come home the girl immediately said to the hubs and i, you believe me don't you? you know i didn't kiss anyone right? then she started crying. 41 years of teasing and berating and stupid comments and much more came slamming into my head. the hubs was livid. if the girl had started crying at their house i'm fairly certain my dad would be in the hospital right now. when we got home the hubs ranted to me. he said it was over, we were done w/ them. i didn't say much. i still can't say much. i don't even know what to say. my dad is a piece of work. i suppose if you look at the comments by themselves they could be considered harmless. and i suppose if the comments were made in a teasing manner by someone she was closer to, like my brother or sister in law, someone who knows her and cares about her and jokes w/ her on a regular basis it would be different. or even if my dad was a real human being it would be different. but he's not and the bottom line is he made my baby cry.

so the hubs ranted/vented to me. we called my bro and sil and ranted and vented to them. the hubs and i stood in the kitchen and i said either he was making the call or i was. he said if he made the call we'd basically be finished w/ them.

i made the call. i half expected my dad to be in bed, it was after 8pm.

mom: hello?
me: hey, is dad still up?
mom: yes, why? are you ok?
me: no, not really. he made the girl cry tonight.
mom: what? why?
me: his mono comments. can i talk to him?
mom: yes
dad: yellow (he always fucking answers the phone like that)
me: i just wanted to let you know you made your granddaughter cry tonight.
dad: (chuckling and laughing) really? how?
me: by teasing her about the mono. she was very upset about it.
dad: really? well i wasn't the only one who said anything. (the defensiveness creeps into his voice)
me: well, she was upset. a kid should be able to count on their parents and their grandparents not to tease them. and i'll tell you this, you will not hurt my kids or treat them like you did us.
dad: (totally pissed off) oh really? feel better about getting that off your chest do you?
me: yeah. fuck you.
click. i hung up on him.

i can only imagine that after that he ranted and raved and my mom cried. she'll be burning up the phone lines to her sisters tomorrow or possibly try to call me.

all of these years i have kept things from crossing a certain line in my mind...never letting things get to that point of no return. for what? what would i really be losing if my parents were no longer part of my life? no drama? no guilt? i honestly cannot think of one positive thing that comes out of that house that flows into my family.

le sigh

ahhhhhhhh........can you feel me breathing a sigh of relief? yeah, well, that's because i got my blog roll back. i was lost. i wasn't going to tell you this, but i will because i know some of you could use a good laugh. so....when i was noodling around w/ the template i thought i screwed up and lost my blog roll. that's like losing a life line because i don't use any of the readers or other fancy techniques to get to your blogs, i use my blogroll. i dreaded the task of either going through a ton of bookmarks or comments etc. to get to you blogs so i could start the cutting and pasting of links and blah blah blah. so, just after i finished doing that 30 minutes ago, i scrolled down further on the template and guess what? yeah, there was my blog roll. lord. but, it did give me a chance to cut out people i don't read any more and add a few sites i'd been missing and even a few i hope to start reading. i'm so glad you're back on my right side. i will be around to catch up this weekend.

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and now for a grab bag of totally random stuff

1. a couple of weeks ago the boy started verbally compiling his bucket list. here are a few items on said list: see van morrison in concert and poop outside.

2. mono has hit in full force now. the girl missed school wed/thurs and half of today. i talked to her vice principal today because next week they have end of quarter testing (if she misses pieces and parts she can make them up, no biggie) and the week after that is the 7th grade class trip to the outer banks. as it stands right now i don't think the girl will be going, unless a miracle happens and she gets over mono quicker than anyone on the planet. we've talked a little about this. she's of course devastated, but i think still hoping she can go.

3. tomorrow we are to go to my parents' house to celebrate my dad's birthday. blech. dear dad--here's a topsy turvy tomato plant because you've never used anything else we've ever given you. movies?cds? never taken the wrapper off of. gift cards? never used. screw you asshole.

4. i am getting a bit paranoid. i have had a couple of leads on some freelance work. i've emailed or talked w/ people who led me to believe they were interested and then nothing. like i have the plague (or mono). oh, and for the record? i have yet to find a company that will pay me to blog. i know it seems like telecommuting would be something i could snap my fingers and do, but surprisingly, no. maybe in a big metro area or city or something, but not so much here.

5. i am reading stephen king's duma key and it rocks the casbah (i totally misspelled that didn't i?). seriously. i think after the dome and now this book i've fallen in love w/ him all over again.

6. the girl and i finished the 2000-piece puzzle two days ago. i will take and post pics this weekend. we are stoked. i have glued it. now to find a frame that will fit. it's huge.

7. my sil and niece (who's new nickname is bossy butt) and sister and baby nephew (6 mos old and he weighs 20 lbs and smiles all the time) came over for lunch yesterday. it was good to have company and to see my littlest family members. bossy butt makes me so happy just to be around. instead of move she says moose, as she's pushing you out of your chair.

8. the hubs. someone gave him a new cologne for christmas, i love smelling him in the morning. he's shaved off his winter beard and he's so smooth and yummy. next weekend he's driving to PA because the boy wants to go to a karate competition. the girl and i will stay home w/ the pets and the mono. when we discussed the possibility of the girl missing her school trip he suggested she and i go to the beach one weekend (and he and the boy would stay w/ the pets and hopefully no mono). he's so sweet. he's getting antsy for spring. antsy to plant stuff, flowers, roses. except he's wanting to put stuff in pots in case we end up losing the house. he's always thinking. even though we've been together for such a long time, he still rocks my world like no body's business.

9. since hotch wrote her post about spelling and breaking up w/ blogs i've been paranoid about my spelling and overall blog worthiness. sheesh.

dammit

i hate the way this blog looks. i was playing around w/ it and lost my blog list. fuck. and i hate how boring it is. i hate that i can't build a swanky cool blog. blech. ppppppppppphhhhhhhhhhhhhtttt! : P

through the fog

gal friday does this sometimes, describes her dreams, and before this one completely melts away i ...crap, it's fading.

the basic thing is that my friend april and i somehow managed to get parts in an incredible movie. i have no idea what the movie was about because it seems that after i read for my part i didn't have time to read the entire script before we got hired. april came up and asked me if i realized some of my lines required me to tell her her mother had died, and of course i had no idea i'd have to do that. (side note her mother did die in real life and no, i wasn't the one to tell her.)

we were whisked away to some secret location. i was excited thinking we would be shooting in australia or somewhere else as different, but april told me it would most likely be some where in the u.s. southwest. hmmm, maybe we were shooting a western?

we show up at the hotel, for some reason the hubs was with me and my parents and brother and sister, although they weren't actually my parents and my brother and sister were about 20 years younger than they actually are.

the morning of our first reading, or run through or take or whatever it's called, i was in a panic. we had gone to the cafeteria (i'm guessing) for breakfast and coming out of there we had to go down a huge escalator. i LOATHE big down escalators. they scare me. they freak me out. my friend april knows this and she went down first. the escalator morphed into scaffolding so i told april to bring me a chair and help me down. she said i needed to face my fears and jump. i panicked. and cried. i remember that feeling so vividly, that being scared and crying and hardly being able to breathe. but i jumped and it was over. then i was talking to the hubs about when we had to be on set and how far away was it and omg i didn't even unpack or know where my script was.

then the alarm went off and it was time to get the girl up. so weird.

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i have no doubt that the movie portion of this dream was influenced by the fact that i watched the awards last night. i never do that, really can't remember the last time i did it. maybe when i was a kid living at home and there were only three channels and the awards were a bigger deal than they are now? don't know. but, my kids started watching it, got to see half an hour of it and then i watched the whole damn thing.

admittedly i haven't seen a lot of the movies that were up for awards. we did see district 9 though and frankly i'm confused as to how it could be nominated for anything. but, then who am i?

i thought martin and baldwin did a fine job as hosts go. although i was shocked at the very end when they announced the winner for director and best picture and katherine bigelow was standing between them. baldwin smacked her ass like they'd just finished a football game! really. i rewound it to make sure i wasn't seeing things and he did. really? the woman has just been honored as best director (first time a woman's won) and her movie won best movie of the year and alec baldwin fanny smacked her.

really, i had no idea who she was before last night and i don't know a thing about james cameron other than he's got to be talented and rich since he made titanic and avatar and i'm sure other movies i can't remember, but they're exes. they sat near each other and all night they're movies were competing against each other for top honors. you know her winning best director and picture had to really, really feel especially good. (yes, i realize i'm making a lot of assumptions here).

i almost bawled (but also laughed out loud) when sandra bullock gave her acceptance speech. she's wonderful. i was hoping meryl streep would win, because honestly i think she's an incredible actress and can't believe she's never won.

clooney, the handsome devil, looked pissed off all night. i think that just might be his look though. and, while i do like watching him in movies, i'm not convinced he's the best actor anyway. i mean whatever movie he's in it's like he's always the same person. does that make any sense? w/ meryl streep, for example, i believed that she was julia child or karin von blixen (in my fave out of africa) or sophie in sophie's choice. there are a slew of others. actors who lose themselves in the character (and the character they play is always different from the last) always impress me more than the ones who play the same type of character all the time or who don't lose themselves in the role. i think this is why i like johnny depp too (aside, of course, from his hotness). he's always stretching himself in a role.

there was a poignant tribute to john hughes w/ actors who got their starts in his films; a montage of clips from people who died over the year (i didn't know ron silver had died) w/ james taylor playing in the background and then a very long dance segment which they could have done w/out and let the winners talk more. i always felt bad for the winners who had 2-3 or more people in their group and only one or two of them got to thank anyone. i did like the way they introduced the best actors/actresses by having someone they've worked w/ say nice things about them though. michelle pfeiffer's tribute to jeff bridges seemed the most heart-felt and sincere and you could see it really touched him. however, when he got up to accept his award the hubs and i wondered if he wasn't a bit tipsy.

i didn't watch the red carpet stuff so i have no idea what dresses got trashed or awed over but i'm always flabbergasted at that anyway. you know they've most likely spent a butt load on the dress (even if the designer gave it to them there was the expense to make it) all for one night. i doubt those dresses ever get worn again. on the other hand the guys can buy a tux and be done w/ it and wear it year after year. what a waste.

epstein's hanging out w/ us

...actually, epstein-barr, the virus that causes mono. the girl has mono. i took her to the dr monday for a strep test; negative but wait for the over night results. tuesday she went to school. wednesday back to the dr and the overnight strep test was negative too so lets draw blood and test for mono. thursday/friday she went to school and today they called and said yes, it's mono. wow. no medication to take for it it just has to run its course. it is not like the mono i thought it would be. she is not sleeping all the time or weak or anything like that. her symptoms are a sore throat and an occasional headache. no fever. no coughing. and no gym for a few weeks because mono swells your glands and spleen and if she got hit in the spleen right now it would be ugly. like medical emergency ugly. holy hell.

this is the first time the girl has had blood taken since she was a baby, when it happened daily and then twice a week for the first 1-2 years. hers was not an uneventful birth and when they put your 6 week old in the hospital for failure to thrive it's not fun. she had/has hypercalcemia. this required constant blood work, prednisone for years, ultrasounds of her kidneys (she has calcium deposits), endocrinologist visits, etc. she was about 2 before we were out of the woods and now she only needs an ultrasound of her kidneys every other year to make sure there are no changes. when she was a baby/toddler it was horrible to get her blood work done. one time in the hospital they almost got to the point where they were going draw blood from her head because she was so tiny and they couldn't get a good vein. the hubs was....heroic is really the word to describe him. he took her to her weekly blood lettings, i couldn't handle it. when she'd have a big appt. at the hospital and they'd do blood work we'd both go and more than once the hubs had to hold her down. she's scream at the top of her lungs and flail around. it was awful, just awful.

wednesday when the dr said he needed to draw blood i saw the panic in her eyes. but she was soooo very brave. i held her hand, she looked at me and while she didn't flinch or make a noise, there were quiet tears.